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* In the ''Series/DoomPatrol2019'' episode "[[Recap/DoomPatrol2019S2E07DumbPatrol Dumb Patrol]]", Cliff Steele rants about how he's going to get even with Niles Caulder for ejecting him from his spacecraft after he crash-lands on Earth and makes a long walk home. He states that he's going to shoot Caulder into space, find his body, tear his head off and crap down his neckhole. After remembering that it's impossible for him to defecate since he's a brain in a robot body, Cliff then decides that he'll find a Great Dane with giardia and have the dog defecate down the Chief's neckhole for him.
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-->'''Dalia:''' You know what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I'm your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. ''(sips her drink)''The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
to:
-->'''Dalia:''' You know what’s what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I'm your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. ''(sips her drink)''The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
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* In one episode of ''Series/{{Castle}}'', a character is a murder suspect after leaving a lengthy, elaborate and rather creative answering machine message enumerating all the things he'd like to do to the victim, including: "strangle him with his own intestines", "force feed him his toes", "paralyze him with a clawhammer and cover him with ants", "nail him to the ceiling by his feet and pinata the hell out of him", and yes, "stab him with a rusty spoon".
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* In one episode of ''Series/{{Castle}}'', ''Series/{{Castle|2009}}'', a character is a murder suspect after leaving a lengthy, elaborate and rather creative answering machine message enumerating all the things he'd like to do to the victim, including: "strangle him with his own intestines", "force feed him his toes", "paralyze him with a clawhammer and cover him with ants", "nail him to the ceiling by his feet and pinata the hell out of him", and yes, "stab him with a rusty spoon".
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** And a not-so-serious example from [[Recap/DoctorWhoS17E2CityOfDeath City of Death]]":
to:
** And a not-so-serious example from [[Recap/DoctorWhoS17E2CityOfDeath "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS17E2CityOfDeath City of Death]]":
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-->'''Doctor:''' Drop your weapons, or I'll kill him, ''with this jelly baby''. Though the implied threat here is due to it being a reference to an earlier season: rather than that a jelly baby could actually be used to inflict harm. Also the person being threatened doesn't know precisely what a jelly baby is: only that the last time the Doctor showed up with one, bad things happened.
to:
-->'''Doctor:''' Drop your weapons, or I'll kill him, ''with this jelly baby''. Though
**Though the implied threat here is due to it being a reference to an earlierseason: season, rather than that a jelly baby could actually be used to inflict harm. Also the person being threatened doesn't know precisely what a jelly baby is: only that the last time the Doctor showed up with one, bad things happened.
**Though the implied threat here is due to it being a reference to an earlier
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* Russian arms dealer Igor got this gem in the Danish Christmas show ''Jul på Vesterbro'':
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!
to:
* Igor, the Russian arms dealer Igor dealer, got this gem of a threat in the Danish Christmas show ''Jul på Vesterbro'':
''Series/ChristmasOnVesterbro'':
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freezeit, it solid, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze
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* In ''Series/{{Supernatural}}'' the over-protective Dean throws around some creative threats at a ghost that threatens his not-so-little brother:
--> "That ghost is dead. I'm gonna to rip its lungs out! Well, you know what I mean ..."
--> "That ghost is dead. I'm gonna to rip its lungs out! Well, you know what I mean ..."
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** April is good at this. Obviously.
-->'''April:''' Ben told you to finish the website, and if you don't do it, I swear to God, I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street, right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around. Do you understand me?
-->'''Ellis:''' Y-yes?
-->'''April:''' [Kisses Ellis nose, then slaps his face.] ''Do it''. [He does.]
-->'''April:''' Ben told you to finish the website, and if you don't do it, I swear to God, I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street, right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around. Do you understand me?
-->'''Ellis:''' Y-yes?
-->'''April:''' [Kisses Ellis nose, then slaps his face.] ''Do it''. [He does.]
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Nerd is now a redirect to an index per TRS decision
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** The was another one where [[{{Nerd}} Mc]][[TheWoobie Gee]] wanted his car repaired in a hurry and on the phone the mechanic said (infered) why should I rush? [=McGee=] replies [[BadassBoast because I put away killers for a living]].
to:
** The was another one where [[{{Nerd}} Mc]][[TheWoobie Gee]] [[TheWoobie McGee]] wanted his car repaired in a hurry and on the phone the mechanic said (infered) why should I rush? [=McGee=] replies [[BadassBoast because I put away killers for a living]].
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** The hosts of recurring sketch ''Reality Check'', Tovah [=McQueen=] and Belma Buttons, are also quite fond of insulting each other this way when complimenting each other’s cooking. Some examples:
-->This is so good I oughta get over there and pop your boobie with a car jack!
-->This is so good I oughta snatch your liver through your ass!
-->This is so good I oughta split your spine open with a box cutter!
-->This is so good I oughta get over there and pop your boobie with a car jack!
-->This is so good I oughta snatch your liver through your ass!
-->This is so good I oughta split your spine open with a box cutter!
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Adding one example.
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* In ''Series/{{Chespirito}}'', whenever Chompiras did or said something stupid, his partner would just slap him, but then threaten that next time he will do something really contrived and bizarre as punishment, like twisting his navel with a fork or stuff his nostrils with breadcrumbs.
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* ''Series/BabylonFive'':
** When Ivanova is telling off some civilian scientists who disobeyed her orders while on a mission and almost got themselves killed, she incorporates this into one of her numerous funny moments:
---> "On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. [[BlasphemousBoast Ivanova is God]]. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will ''personally rip your lungs out!'' Babylon Control out. [''to herself''] Civilians. [''[[AsideGlance glances upward]]''] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
** Garibaldi to Alfred Bester when they're working together on a drug case:
--->'''Bester:''' If I had my talent working, I could have warned you when he was coming.\\
'''Michael Garibaldi:''' And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play piñata. I still think we should've gone straight to G'kar.\\
'''Bester:''' ''(talks about the case, then)'' A piñata, huh? [[InsultBackfire So, you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children? Thank you! That makes me feel much better about our relationship.]] ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny Garibaldi visibly struggles not to laugh]])''
** There is also Sheridan's way of dealing with Alfred Bester, who is trying to apprehend a harmless rogue telepath on Babylon 5 at a time when Babylon 5 is openly in rebellion against the government that employs Bester.
---> "You could do that. And I could nail your head to the table, set you on fire and feed your charred remains to the Pak'ma'ra. But we live in an imperfect world."
* Moriarty, in [[Recap/SherlockS02E01AScandalInBelgravia the first episode of the second season]] of ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', says, "I will turn you into shoes!"
** Well, first he'll find you and skin you, then he'll make you into shoes.
* ''Series/{{Firefly}}''. When Mal is late returning from a job, Jayne make his point to the rest of the crew about why he himself should be in charge:
--->You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here.
** On a more serious note, there's the fate of the crew if the psychotic Reavers have their way.
--->'''Zoe:''' If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
* ''Franchise/{{Buffyverse}}'':
** Buffy once threatened to wear someone's ribcage as a hat. This being Buffy, the recepient of this threat promptly [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] it with "Hello to the imagery."
** In "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS4E7TheInitiative The Initiative]]", Willow told Riley, "[[IfYouEverDoAnythingToHurtHer If you hurt her]], I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend."
** Dawn also had one in "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS7E2BeneathYou Beneath You]]":
--->'''Dawn:''' I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you will wake up on fire.
** Kakistos in "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS3E3FaithHopeAndTrick Faith, Hope and Trick]]": "I'm going to rip her spine from her body, and I'm going to eat her heart, and suck the marrow from her bones."
** Lilah Morgan had imagination too. From "[[Recap/AngelS02E04Untouched Untouched]]":
--->'''Lilah:''' One more excuse from you and I am gonna bury you alive next to my house so I can hear you screaming.
*** Lilah also once threatened to rip off a guy's skin and staple it back on inside-out.
** The MonsterOfTheWeek would often get in on the act: in "[[Recap/AngelS05E14SmileTime Smile Time]]", lead villain Polo hollers at Angel, "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
** Illyria broke out these occasionally.
--> '''Illyria:''' I will shred my adversaries! Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewling, mutilated faces!
* Among lesser examples in ''Series/{{Sharpe}}'', in "[[Recap/SharpeS2E1SharpesCompany Sharpe's Company]]", Sgt. Patrick Harper and Sgt. Obadiah Hakeswill, who has tried to set a soldier up for undeserved punishment and is carrying a spontoon (a type of lance), have this hushed exchange:
-->'''Harper:''' You do that to one of my boys again, Obadiah, and I'll shove that pointy thing you're carrying up your arse until it picks your nose.
-->'''Hakeswill:''' Be quick, Paddy, for you is next.
* In the Disney crossover special [[Series/WizardsOfWaverlyPlace Wizards]] on [[Series/TheSuiteLifeOnDeck Deck]] with Series/HannahMontana, Alex threatens Max that if he tells Justin that it was her that put dye in the hot tub, she would pound on him so hard, he'd be sneezing out of his belly button. Max then comments that that would be very awkward around allergy season.
* A survivor in the future episode of ''Series/{{Dollhouse}}'', explains to a potential threat "I will shoot you very hard!"
* ''Series/{{Blackadder}}'':
** There was a bizarre one in "[[Recap/BlackadderS2E6Chains Chains]]" that was conducted in mime, that involved being dunked upside down in a vat of warm marmalade and having your goolies cut off with a scythe.
** Also, in "[[Recap/BlackadderS3E2InkAndIncapability Ink and Incapability]]", Mr. E. Blackadder issued this: "Baldrick, believe me; eternity in the company of Beelzebub -- and all his hellish instruments of torment -- will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me [[NoodleImplements and this pencil]]."
*** "If you do not start making sense, the pointed bony thing with five toes inside my boot will soon connect quite sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers."
** From "[[Recap/BlackadderS3E6DuelAndDuality Duel and Duality]]": "Baldrick, does it ''have'' to be this way? Our [[BlatantLies valued friendship]] ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid while wearing an extremely heavy hat?"
** Also in the first series, death by snails.
** In the first series:
---> '''Edmund''': Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?
---> '''Percy''': Sometimes, yes.
---> '''Edmund''': (holds up a dagger) Well, I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity!
** In ''Blackadder II'''s "[[Recap/BlackadderS2E3Potato Potato]]", Edmund tells Baldrick to leave before "I cut off your head, scoop out the insides and give it to your mother as a vase."
* A rare serious example (well, [[LargeHam sort of]]) from ''Series/DoctorWho'':
-->'''Baines:''' We'll blast them into dust, then fuse the dust into glass, then shatter them all over again!
** The villainous Irongron from the Third Doctor story "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS11E1TheTimeWarrior The Time Warrior]]" gave us this absolute gem:
-->'''Irongron:''' I'll chop him up so fine, not even a sparrow will fill its beak!
** And a not-so-serious example from [[Recap/DoctorWhoS17E2CityOfDeath City of Death]]":
-->'''Doctor:''' If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures.
-->'''Duggan:''' Yeah, like what?
-->'''Doctor:''' I'm going to ask you not to.
** And this from "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS14E4TheFaceOfEvil The Face of Evil]]":
-->'''Doctor:''' Drop your weapons, or I'll kill him, ''with this jelly baby''. Though the implied threat here is due to it being a reference to an earlier season: rather than that a jelly baby could actually be used to inflict harm. Also the person being threatened doesn't know precisely what a jelly baby is: only that the last time the Doctor showed up with one, bad things happened.
** Also - the Eleventh Doctor's "Colonel Runaway" speech in [[Recap/DoctorWhoS32E7AGoodManGoesToWar "A Good Man Goes to War"]] is extremely similar in spirit to Dread Pirate Westley's "To the Pain" in ''The Princess Bride''.
* In ''Series/NeverMindTheBuzzcocks'', host Simon Amstell described Noel Fielding's style of comedy as "just throwing out weird words":
-->'''Noel Fielding:''' Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow...
-->'''Simon Amstell:''' With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
-->'''Noel Fielding:''' No, with a motorbike made of jealousy.
* In ''Series/MyNameIsEarl'', Earl is stuck in confinement with another prisoner who wants to kill him. His threats become increasingly more pathetic (but also more imaginative) after a while.
-->'''Glen:''' I'm gonna wear you like a puppet, on my fist, and then get into a punch-fight '''WITH A MAN MADE OF RAZOR BLADES!'''
* ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'' has this one, said in a remarkably kind voice:
-->'''Dr. Cox:''' Listen, Super Girl: I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
* Used twice in during the ''Series/{{Seinfeld}}'' episode "The Good Samaritan", once by George's girlfriend's husband when he finds out about their affair and once by Jerry's girlfriend when he threatens to tell someone about her hit and run.
-->'''Michael:''' He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
-->'''Angela:''' Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
-->'''Jerry:''' Let me rephra-
-->'''Angela:''' I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in)
-->'''Jerry:''' Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
-->'''Angela:''' I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!
-->'''Jerry:''' Well I think I get the gist of it.
** Used naturally by Newman in another episode:
--->'''Newman:''' All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come -- oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld -- your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
** This could be considered Newman's finest moment in the entire series.
*** Not only that, he follows through on it, [[PassThePopcorn bringing popcorn]] to [[ItWasHisSled the trial]] in [[DownerEnding the final episode]].
** Also, "All right, you go ahead and keep it secret, but you remember this: when you control the mail, you control... information!"
** Then there's the time George tries to return a book that's been flagged in the database after he takes it into the bathroom. "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't leap over this counter and punch you in the brain."
* ''Series/TheHoneymooners'': Four simple words: '''[[MemeticMutation TO THE MOON, ALICE!]]'''
* On ''Series/HogansHeroes'', Major Hochstetter and General Burkhalter would often threaten to have Colonel Klink "court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front". The absurdity was pointed out in this exchange:
-->'''Burkhalter:''' Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front.
-->'''Klink:''' But General Burkhalter, you can't do all of those to me!
-->'''Burkhalter:''' Try me.
** So long as the firing squad doesn't shoot to kill, it's doable.
* This is the primary RunningGag of Coach Hines, a recurring character from ''Series/MadTV''.
* ''Series/{{MASH}}'' had a few.
** In one episode, Charles Emerson Winchester III had a good one:
-->I want him drawn and quartered, and then I want the pieces arrested!
** Hawkeye is responsible for this gem:
-->I'll break his leg, set it and break it again.
** Thanks to the heavy-on-dialogue humor of the show, this happens fairly often:
-->Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!
-->You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on [=MacArthur=]'s oatmeal.
** In the third episode of Season 6, "Last Laugh", when Margaret is angry and desperate to speak to her husband:
-->'''Radar''': Oh, sorry ma'am. Colonel's orders, no personal calls until after 1700 hours.
-->'''Margaret''': How would you like to be up to your knees in floor?
* Earl Sinclair's [[MeaningfulName B.P.]] Richfield in ''Series/{{Dinosaurs}}'' seemed to be rather fond of this trope.
--> "If you tell anyone, I'll rip out your spinal cord to play '''jump rope with'''!"
* ''Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus'' has the Spanish Inquisition punish with a "Comfy Chair".
** In another episode, highwayman Dennis Moore would start with a genuine threat, then get lost in qualifying it to be perfectly accurate.
--->"You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day... well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week... or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week..."
** In the "Piranha Brothers" sketch, several characters report about how Dinsdale Piranha would do horrible things. One man recounts how Dinsdale chained him to the back of a tank, dragged him to his hideout, slit his nostrils open, sawed his leg off, pulled his liver out and then nailed his head to the floor. After that, the man would go back to apologize to Dinsdale every week, and then Dinsdale would nail his head to the floor again. Dinsdale's brother Doug, on the other hand, [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment was much worse]]. He used ''sarcasm''.
* Averted in the horror series ''Series/AmericanGothic1995''. Sheriff Buck's girlfriend falls victim to a mysterious illness and is being treated by the local doctor, one of the few people not intimidated by him.
-->'''Buck:''' You better cure her or I'll...
-->'''Doctor:''' Or you'll what?
-->'''Buck:''' (threateningly) I'll think of something.
* Malcolm Tucker and Jamie of ''Series/TheThickOfIt'' are the masters of this. Hell, as the series' page says, this trope is pretty much Jamie's ''job''. One of his finest moments: "I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll plug some some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist. Then, every time I hear something that I don't like -- which will be every time that something comes on -- I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls." This, by the way, is in response to somebody [[BerserkButton making fun of Al Jolson]].
** Something that the comparatively balanced Scot does say, to a minister with a nervous blink, is: "Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it."
** "You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking [[CountryMatters CUNT]] and I will tear your fuckin' skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling ''Bohemian'' fucking ''Rhapsody'', right? Now [[DeathGlare get out of my fucking sight...]]"
** Malcolm and Jamie continue to excel at this in the film ''Film/InTheLoop''; "Shut it, ''Film/LoveActually''! Do you want me to hole-punch your face!?"
** "You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas."
** The US remake ''Series/{{Veep}}'' obviously gets into it as well.
-->'''Ben:''' You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your DEAD FUCKING EYEBALLS!
* ''Series/RedDwarf'' does this a lot.
** Especially Lister in "[[Recap/RedDwarfSeasonIIIPolymorph Polymorph]]":
--->'''Lister:''' I'm gonna rip out his wind-pipe and beat him to death with the tonsil end!\\
'''Lister:''' I'm gonna shove my fist so far down his gob, I'll be able to pull the label off his underpants!
** This, from "[[Recap/RedDwarfSeasonVIGunmenOfTheApocalypse Gunmen of the Apocalypse]]":
--->'''Death:''' We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew.
** The line "If you get yourself killed I'll never speak to you again!" is used by Kristine Kochanski on Lister, who's about to go blow himself up to save his friends from the Epideme virus. Naturally Lister just grins and walks out the door.
* On ''Series/TheMentalist'', Patrick Jane states, while still smiling and in a bantering tone of voice that when he finds "Red John", he will "cut him open and watch him die slowly".
* ''Series/BlackBooks'':
** There's a great example when Bernard Black shouts down the phone "I'll pull out your eyeballs and stuff them in my ears so I can't hear your screams as I headbutt you down to a fine paste!"
** This is actually from the bonus feature "Bernard's Letter" in which Bernard writes an angry response to a publisher who has rejected him "I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden violent death."
** A PokeThePoodle comes when Manny asks what Bernard's going to do about the builders next door: "I will... ''drink heavily and shout at you!''"
** "I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps!"
* ''Series/TheDailyShow'' dedicated an entire segment a few months after 9/11 to coming up with really creative ways to kill UsefulNotes/OsamaBinLaden. Creator/StephenColbert suggested that he should be wanted, not dead or alive, but dead ''and'' alive, via being cloned repeatedly so they could kill the clones.
** And then there was [[NoodleIncident something involving oatmeal]].
** [[Series/TheRachelMaddowShow Rachel Maddow]] feels she is [[http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-april-13-2010/rachel-maddow fully capable]] of killing Osama bin Laden with a spoon.
* In ''Series/{{Entourage}}'', Ari Gold threatened to "choke [somebody] out with a strap-on." And given what we know about his character, he TOTALLY would.
* ''Series/{{Cheers}}'': Lilith tells Carla she will "snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint." Another time, Carla when takes a job as a waitress and is forced to sing to a patron in front of the guys, she makes what seems like a very non-idle threat when she informs that that if they tell anyone she will rip their still beating hearts out of their chests and take a bite out of them.
* In ''Series/{{Friends}}'', Joey went with Monica to confront a food critic who gave her a bad review. When the critic refuses to try another sample of her sauce Joey deadpans, "Either ''eat'' it, or be ''in'' it."
* [[BadassIsraeli Ziva]] of ''Series/{{NCIS}}'' is prone to these with [[ChivalrousPervert Tony]] -- on one occasion she says she is seriously considering killing him with a spoon, and on another she threatens to kill him in eighteen different ways with a paperclip. One can only imagine...
** The was another one where [[{{Nerd}} Mc]][[TheWoobie Gee]] wanted his car repaired in a hurry and on the phone the mechanic said (infered) why should I rush? [=McGee=] replies [[BadassBoast because I put away killers for a living]].
* In ''Series/TheWestWing'', White House counsel Lionel Tribbey enters Leo's office shouting "I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!"
** More from ''Series/TheWestWing'':
--->'''Bruno:''' We will work hard. We will work well. We will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will, quite simply, be dead.
** C.J. catches Josh posting as himself on an online forum, and threatens him with:
--->'''C.J.:''' I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass... What?\\
'''Josh:''' Well... technically, I outrank you.\\
'''C.J.:''' ''So far up your ass''!
** There's also this threat by a Republican Senator.
--->'''Republican Senator:''' You told him: they take on finance campaign reform, I roll out a legislative agenda that will make his boss sit down and cry? [...] I'm gonna reach down [Josh's] throat and take out his lungs with an ice-cream scoop.
::: Turns out Josh is rather unimpressed, leading to one of his many CMOF.
** Leo gets in on the action when CJ arranges for a presidential photo op with a goat:
--->'''Leo:''' If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, [[ReptilesAreAbhorrent I'm hiding snakes in your car]].\\
'''C.J.:''' Come on, don't say that! Not even as a joke!\\
'''Leo:''' You're never gonna know where they are or if you got them all out. Gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment.
** In a first season episode, Mandy threatens to kill someone with her shoes.
* ''Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir'' had a memorable moment with Uncle Phil [[LockedInARoom Trapped In An Elevator]], trying to borrow a {{jerkass}}'s cellphone to reach Aunt Viv (who is in labour at the moment):
-->'''Philip:''' ''[to Will]'' Will, calm down. Now I've trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation. Okay? Observe.\\
''[Philip walks up to the man]''\\
'''Philip:''' Sir?\\
''[grabs the man by the lapels]''\\
'''Philip:''' Gimme that ''damn phone'' or I'm gonna rip your liver out and eat it '''raw'''.
* From ''Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia'': "I...am going to smack everyone... into tiny, little pieces."
* Russian arms dealer Igor got this gem in the Danish Christmas show ''Jul på Vesterbro'':
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!
* ''Series/{{Glee}}'':
-->'''Sue:''' I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I'll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
* [[RunningGag Over the course of one episode]] of ''Series/JeevesAndWooster'', Roderick Spode threatens to break Bertie's "rotten spine in [three, four, five, '''SIX'''] places!"
* From the ''Series/FawltyTowers'' episode "[[Recap/FawltyTowersS2E1CommunicationProblems Communication Problems]]":
-->'''Sybil:''' If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil.
-->'''Basil:''' You'll have to sew them back on first!
** Manuel 'helps' Basil get out of a predicament, only getting him in deeper. Basil snarls "I'm going to sell you to a ''vivisectionist!''" - Manuel grins and gives him the 'thumbs-up'.
* Red Forman from ''Series/That70sShow'' similar to Team Fortress's Soldier below, makes a variety of different threats of shoving his foot up someone's ass and occasionally making them wear their ass as a hat.
* On ''Series/HowIMetYourMother'':
-->'''Lily:''' Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.\\
'''Barney:''' Wait, my eyes or my testicles?\\
'''Lily:''' One of each!
* ''Series/FatherTed'': Bishop Brennan, on the phone to Father Ted:
-->'''Bishop Brennan:''' If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms.
* A ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' sketch has Norfolk (played by Phil Hartman) explaining to Anne Boleyn that her method of execution depends on whether or not she agrees to divorce Henry VIII:
-->'''Anne Boleyn:''' What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope?\\
'''Norfolk:''' In that case, you shall be drawn and quartered by four strong horses. Then their quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four frogs. Then the quartering would stop, and the mincing would begin.
* ''Series/GreenWing'':
-->'''Angela:''' I have a hypothetical question.\\
'''Sue White:''' I have a hole punch. Let's not get bigheaded.
* In the pilot episode of ''Series/{{Leverage}}'', Eliot threatens to "beat Dubinich so hard that even the people who ''look'' like him are gonna bleed." He settles for taking down his company instead.
* In an episode of ''Series/WillAndGrace'', after Jack says something stupid, Will threatens to rip his heart out... through his foot.
* In ''Series/{{Suburgatory}}'' Dalia makes a bizarre revenge threat that gets wildly speculative and specific.
-->'''Dalia:''' You know what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I'm your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. ''(sips her drink)''The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
* ''Series/DowntonAbbey'' has Lord Grantham giving a pretty good one to [[spoiler:Branson when giving him and Sybil his blessing]]:
--> [[IfYouEverDoAnythingToHurtHer If you hurt her]], I will personally have you torn apart by wild dogs.
* ''Series/{{Parks and Recreation}}''
-->'''Leslie:''' The only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
-->'''Ben:''' Good Lord.
* In ''Series/LostGirl'', when Bo and Lauren are starting to get together, Kenzi makes it plain she hasn't forgotten how hurt Bo was after learning their last time turned out to be Lauren manipulating her:
-->'''Kenzi:''' She really likes you. So, if you hurt my friend again, one day in the future, anthropologists will find your skeleton in an unmarked grave with a massive, massive life-ending blow to your head by a totally awesome chick that rhymes with "frenzy". Okay?
* ''Series/Kingdom2007'': Lyle and Peter having pints in the pub. Lyle, being flippant, calls Peter "P.K."
-->'''Peter:''' Although everything you just said makes no sense whatsoever, I do find myself inclined to agree with it. Though call me "P.K." again and I'll [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal pull your pancreas out with a pair of pliers]].
* ''Series/GameOfThrones'':
** When Catelyn Stark hears the news of her husband's death, she goes to an imprisoned Jaime Lannister and threatens to cut off his head, pack it in a box and send it to his sister.
** Sandor "The Hound" Clegane had a couple in "Blackwater":
*** "If any of these flaming fucking arrows come near me, I'll strangle you with your own guts."
*** "Any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his fucking corpse!"
** Many threats are of the Freudian variety:
*** When she suspects he might be a FakeDefector, [[FieryRedhead Ygritte]] tells Jon Snow, "Don't ever betray me...because I'll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it round me neck."
*** "I'm going to open your lord from balls to brains and see what Starks are made of."
*** Shagga son of Dolf is so fond of threatening to cut off Tyrion's manhood and feed it to the goats that it's subverted before we even hear it.
** Tormund declares that if Jon has lied he will pull Jon's guts out through his throat.
* From ''Series/UnbreakableKimmySchmidt'':
-->'''Gretchen:''' I'd like to cut off his butt and make him eat it and then ask him how he plans to poop it!
* In one episode of ''Series/{{Castle}}'', a character is a murder suspect after leaving a lengthy, elaborate and rather creative answering machine message enumerating all the things he'd like to do to the victim, including: "strangle him with his own intestines", "force feed him his toes", "paralyze him with a clawhammer and cover him with ants", "nail him to the ceiling by his feet and pinata the hell out of him", and yes, "stab him with a rusty spoon".
* ''Series/BlakesSeven''. In "[[Recap/BlakesSevenS2E11Gambit Gambit]]", [[BigBad Supreme Commander Servalan]] of the Terran Federation negotiates with Krantor, the criminal overlord of [[ViceCity Freedom City]]. Once free of each other's presence, both parties make their true feelings known.
** Servalan re Krantor: "When the Federation finally cleans out this cesspit, I shall have that vulpine degenerate eviscerated with a small and very blunt knife."
** Krantor re Servalan: "One of these days, Toise, I am going to have Supreme Commander high-and-mighty Servalan ravaged until she does not know what month she's in!"
* ''Series/JessicaJones2015'':
-->'''Jessica:''' You're talking to me, or I'm pulling your spine out through your ear. [[SuperStrength You know I can.]]
* In ''Series/{{Letterkenny}}'', Squirrely Dan is a little upset about interruptions at the Adult Spelling Bee:
--> "As sure as Grandma's got gout, if I hear one fuckin' heckle, I will staple your tongue to your taint so you can watch me kick your ass!"
** Shoresy goes into excruciating detail over how hard he fucked Jonesy and Reilly's moms and how much they liked it.
---> "Fuck you, Jonesy, your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish. Threw off the [=pH=] levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit."
* ''Series/TheThinBlueLine'': "If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat you'll be blowing bullets out of your backside!"
* In the ''Series/BroadCity'' episode "St. Marks," Abbi shouts after a man who stole her bag, "When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out your disgusting little ball sack until you fucking throw up your own dick!"
* On ''Series/TopGear'', Jeremy Clarkson could get creative when talking about something that annoyed him.
--> "Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea [a 20-mile set of roadworks and speed cameras on the M1 in Leicestershire], go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just--" ''(mimes punching someone)'' "'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube."
----
** When Ivanova is telling off some civilian scientists who disobeyed her orders while on a mission and almost got themselves killed, she incorporates this into one of her numerous funny moments:
---> "On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. [[BlasphemousBoast Ivanova is God]]. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will ''personally rip your lungs out!'' Babylon Control out. [''to herself''] Civilians. [''[[AsideGlance glances upward]]''] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
** Garibaldi to Alfred Bester when they're working together on a drug case:
--->'''Bester:''' If I had my talent working, I could have warned you when he was coming.\\
'''Michael Garibaldi:''' And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play piñata. I still think we should've gone straight to G'kar.\\
'''Bester:''' ''(talks about the case, then)'' A piñata, huh? [[InsultBackfire So, you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children? Thank you! That makes me feel much better about our relationship.]] ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny Garibaldi visibly struggles not to laugh]])''
** There is also Sheridan's way of dealing with Alfred Bester, who is trying to apprehend a harmless rogue telepath on Babylon 5 at a time when Babylon 5 is openly in rebellion against the government that employs Bester.
---> "You could do that. And I could nail your head to the table, set you on fire and feed your charred remains to the Pak'ma'ra. But we live in an imperfect world."
* Moriarty, in [[Recap/SherlockS02E01AScandalInBelgravia the first episode of the second season]] of ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', says, "I will turn you into shoes!"
** Well, first he'll find you and skin you, then he'll make you into shoes.
* ''Series/{{Firefly}}''. When Mal is late returning from a job, Jayne make his point to the rest of the crew about why he himself should be in charge:
--->You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here.
** On a more serious note, there's the fate of the crew if the psychotic Reavers have their way.
--->'''Zoe:''' If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
* ''Franchise/{{Buffyverse}}'':
** Buffy once threatened to wear someone's ribcage as a hat. This being Buffy, the recepient of this threat promptly [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] it with "Hello to the imagery."
** In "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS4E7TheInitiative The Initiative]]", Willow told Riley, "[[IfYouEverDoAnythingToHurtHer If you hurt her]], I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend."
** Dawn also had one in "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS7E2BeneathYou Beneath You]]":
--->'''Dawn:''' I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you will wake up on fire.
** Kakistos in "[[Recap/BuffyTheVampireSlayerS3E3FaithHopeAndTrick Faith, Hope and Trick]]": "I'm going to rip her spine from her body, and I'm going to eat her heart, and suck the marrow from her bones."
** Lilah Morgan had imagination too. From "[[Recap/AngelS02E04Untouched Untouched]]":
--->'''Lilah:''' One more excuse from you and I am gonna bury you alive next to my house so I can hear you screaming.
*** Lilah also once threatened to rip off a guy's skin and staple it back on inside-out.
** The MonsterOfTheWeek would often get in on the act: in "[[Recap/AngelS05E14SmileTime Smile Time]]", lead villain Polo hollers at Angel, "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
** Illyria broke out these occasionally.
--> '''Illyria:''' I will shred my adversaries! Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewling, mutilated faces!
* Among lesser examples in ''Series/{{Sharpe}}'', in "[[Recap/SharpeS2E1SharpesCompany Sharpe's Company]]", Sgt. Patrick Harper and Sgt. Obadiah Hakeswill, who has tried to set a soldier up for undeserved punishment and is carrying a spontoon (a type of lance), have this hushed exchange:
-->'''Harper:''' You do that to one of my boys again, Obadiah, and I'll shove that pointy thing you're carrying up your arse until it picks your nose.
-->'''Hakeswill:''' Be quick, Paddy, for you is next.
* In the Disney crossover special [[Series/WizardsOfWaverlyPlace Wizards]] on [[Series/TheSuiteLifeOnDeck Deck]] with Series/HannahMontana, Alex threatens Max that if he tells Justin that it was her that put dye in the hot tub, she would pound on him so hard, he'd be sneezing out of his belly button. Max then comments that that would be very awkward around allergy season.
* A survivor in the future episode of ''Series/{{Dollhouse}}'', explains to a potential threat "I will shoot you very hard!"
* ''Series/{{Blackadder}}'':
** There was a bizarre one in "[[Recap/BlackadderS2E6Chains Chains]]" that was conducted in mime, that involved being dunked upside down in a vat of warm marmalade and having your goolies cut off with a scythe.
** Also, in "[[Recap/BlackadderS3E2InkAndIncapability Ink and Incapability]]", Mr. E. Blackadder issued this: "Baldrick, believe me; eternity in the company of Beelzebub -- and all his hellish instruments of torment -- will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me [[NoodleImplements and this pencil]]."
*** "If you do not start making sense, the pointed bony thing with five toes inside my boot will soon connect quite sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers."
** From "[[Recap/BlackadderS3E6DuelAndDuality Duel and Duality]]": "Baldrick, does it ''have'' to be this way? Our [[BlatantLies valued friendship]] ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid while wearing an extremely heavy hat?"
** Also in the first series, death by snails.
** In the first series:
---> '''Edmund''': Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?
---> '''Percy''': Sometimes, yes.
---> '''Edmund''': (holds up a dagger) Well, I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity!
** In ''Blackadder II'''s "[[Recap/BlackadderS2E3Potato Potato]]", Edmund tells Baldrick to leave before "I cut off your head, scoop out the insides and give it to your mother as a vase."
* A rare serious example (well, [[LargeHam sort of]]) from ''Series/DoctorWho'':
-->'''Baines:''' We'll blast them into dust, then fuse the dust into glass, then shatter them all over again!
** The villainous Irongron from the Third Doctor story "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS11E1TheTimeWarrior The Time Warrior]]" gave us this absolute gem:
-->'''Irongron:''' I'll chop him up so fine, not even a sparrow will fill its beak!
** And a not-so-serious example from [[Recap/DoctorWhoS17E2CityOfDeath City of Death]]":
-->'''Doctor:''' If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures.
-->'''Duggan:''' Yeah, like what?
-->'''Doctor:''' I'm going to ask you not to.
** And this from "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS14E4TheFaceOfEvil The Face of Evil]]":
-->'''Doctor:''' Drop your weapons, or I'll kill him, ''with this jelly baby''. Though the implied threat here is due to it being a reference to an earlier season: rather than that a jelly baby could actually be used to inflict harm. Also the person being threatened doesn't know precisely what a jelly baby is: only that the last time the Doctor showed up with one, bad things happened.
** Also - the Eleventh Doctor's "Colonel Runaway" speech in [[Recap/DoctorWhoS32E7AGoodManGoesToWar "A Good Man Goes to War"]] is extremely similar in spirit to Dread Pirate Westley's "To the Pain" in ''The Princess Bride''.
* In ''Series/NeverMindTheBuzzcocks'', host Simon Amstell described Noel Fielding's style of comedy as "just throwing out weird words":
-->'''Noel Fielding:''' Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow...
-->'''Simon Amstell:''' With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
-->'''Noel Fielding:''' No, with a motorbike made of jealousy.
* In ''Series/MyNameIsEarl'', Earl is stuck in confinement with another prisoner who wants to kill him. His threats become increasingly more pathetic (but also more imaginative) after a while.
-->'''Glen:''' I'm gonna wear you like a puppet, on my fist, and then get into a punch-fight '''WITH A MAN MADE OF RAZOR BLADES!'''
* ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'' has this one, said in a remarkably kind voice:
-->'''Dr. Cox:''' Listen, Super Girl: I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
* Used twice in during the ''Series/{{Seinfeld}}'' episode "The Good Samaritan", once by George's girlfriend's husband when he finds out about their affair and once by Jerry's girlfriend when he threatens to tell someone about her hit and run.
-->'''Michael:''' He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
-->'''Angela:''' Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
-->'''Jerry:''' Let me rephra-
-->'''Angela:''' I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in)
-->'''Jerry:''' Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
-->'''Angela:''' I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!
-->'''Jerry:''' Well I think I get the gist of it.
** Used naturally by Newman in another episode:
--->'''Newman:''' All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come -- oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld -- your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
** This could be considered Newman's finest moment in the entire series.
*** Not only that, he follows through on it, [[PassThePopcorn bringing popcorn]] to [[ItWasHisSled the trial]] in [[DownerEnding the final episode]].
** Also, "All right, you go ahead and keep it secret, but you remember this: when you control the mail, you control... information!"
** Then there's the time George tries to return a book that's been flagged in the database after he takes it into the bathroom. "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't leap over this counter and punch you in the brain."
* ''Series/TheHoneymooners'': Four simple words: '''[[MemeticMutation TO THE MOON, ALICE!]]'''
* On ''Series/HogansHeroes'', Major Hochstetter and General Burkhalter would often threaten to have Colonel Klink "court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front". The absurdity was pointed out in this exchange:
-->'''Burkhalter:''' Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front.
-->'''Klink:''' But General Burkhalter, you can't do all of those to me!
-->'''Burkhalter:''' Try me.
** So long as the firing squad doesn't shoot to kill, it's doable.
* This is the primary RunningGag of Coach Hines, a recurring character from ''Series/MadTV''.
* ''Series/{{MASH}}'' had a few.
** In one episode, Charles Emerson Winchester III had a good one:
-->I want him drawn and quartered, and then I want the pieces arrested!
** Hawkeye is responsible for this gem:
-->I'll break his leg, set it and break it again.
** Thanks to the heavy-on-dialogue humor of the show, this happens fairly often:
-->Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!
-->You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on [=MacArthur=]'s oatmeal.
** In the third episode of Season 6, "Last Laugh", when Margaret is angry and desperate to speak to her husband:
-->'''Radar''': Oh, sorry ma'am. Colonel's orders, no personal calls until after 1700 hours.
-->'''Margaret''': How would you like to be up to your knees in floor?
* Earl Sinclair's [[MeaningfulName B.P.]] Richfield in ''Series/{{Dinosaurs}}'' seemed to be rather fond of this trope.
--> "If you tell anyone, I'll rip out your spinal cord to play '''jump rope with'''!"
* ''Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus'' has the Spanish Inquisition punish with a "Comfy Chair".
** In another episode, highwayman Dennis Moore would start with a genuine threat, then get lost in qualifying it to be perfectly accurate.
--->"You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day... well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week... or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week..."
** In the "Piranha Brothers" sketch, several characters report about how Dinsdale Piranha would do horrible things. One man recounts how Dinsdale chained him to the back of a tank, dragged him to his hideout, slit his nostrils open, sawed his leg off, pulled his liver out and then nailed his head to the floor. After that, the man would go back to apologize to Dinsdale every week, and then Dinsdale would nail his head to the floor again. Dinsdale's brother Doug, on the other hand, [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment was much worse]]. He used ''sarcasm''.
* Averted in the horror series ''Series/AmericanGothic1995''. Sheriff Buck's girlfriend falls victim to a mysterious illness and is being treated by the local doctor, one of the few people not intimidated by him.
-->'''Buck:''' You better cure her or I'll...
-->'''Doctor:''' Or you'll what?
-->'''Buck:''' (threateningly) I'll think of something.
* Malcolm Tucker and Jamie of ''Series/TheThickOfIt'' are the masters of this. Hell, as the series' page says, this trope is pretty much Jamie's ''job''. One of his finest moments: "I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll plug some some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist. Then, every time I hear something that I don't like -- which will be every time that something comes on -- I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls." This, by the way, is in response to somebody [[BerserkButton making fun of Al Jolson]].
** Something that the comparatively balanced Scot does say, to a minister with a nervous blink, is: "Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it."
** "You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking [[CountryMatters CUNT]] and I will tear your fuckin' skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling ''Bohemian'' fucking ''Rhapsody'', right? Now [[DeathGlare get out of my fucking sight...]]"
** Malcolm and Jamie continue to excel at this in the film ''Film/InTheLoop''; "Shut it, ''Film/LoveActually''! Do you want me to hole-punch your face!?"
** "You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas."
** The US remake ''Series/{{Veep}}'' obviously gets into it as well.
-->'''Ben:''' You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your DEAD FUCKING EYEBALLS!
* ''Series/RedDwarf'' does this a lot.
** Especially Lister in "[[Recap/RedDwarfSeasonIIIPolymorph Polymorph]]":
--->'''Lister:''' I'm gonna rip out his wind-pipe and beat him to death with the tonsil end!\\
'''Lister:''' I'm gonna shove my fist so far down his gob, I'll be able to pull the label off his underpants!
** This, from "[[Recap/RedDwarfSeasonVIGunmenOfTheApocalypse Gunmen of the Apocalypse]]":
--->'''Death:''' We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew.
** The line "If you get yourself killed I'll never speak to you again!" is used by Kristine Kochanski on Lister, who's about to go blow himself up to save his friends from the Epideme virus. Naturally Lister just grins and walks out the door.
* On ''Series/TheMentalist'', Patrick Jane states, while still smiling and in a bantering tone of voice that when he finds "Red John", he will "cut him open and watch him die slowly".
* ''Series/BlackBooks'':
** There's a great example when Bernard Black shouts down the phone "I'll pull out your eyeballs and stuff them in my ears so I can't hear your screams as I headbutt you down to a fine paste!"
** This is actually from the bonus feature "Bernard's Letter" in which Bernard writes an angry response to a publisher who has rejected him "I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden violent death."
** A PokeThePoodle comes when Manny asks what Bernard's going to do about the builders next door: "I will... ''drink heavily and shout at you!''"
** "I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps!"
* ''Series/TheDailyShow'' dedicated an entire segment a few months after 9/11 to coming up with really creative ways to kill UsefulNotes/OsamaBinLaden. Creator/StephenColbert suggested that he should be wanted, not dead or alive, but dead ''and'' alive, via being cloned repeatedly so they could kill the clones.
** And then there was [[NoodleIncident something involving oatmeal]].
** [[Series/TheRachelMaddowShow Rachel Maddow]] feels she is [[http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-april-13-2010/rachel-maddow fully capable]] of killing Osama bin Laden with a spoon.
* In ''Series/{{Entourage}}'', Ari Gold threatened to "choke [somebody] out with a strap-on." And given what we know about his character, he TOTALLY would.
* ''Series/{{Cheers}}'': Lilith tells Carla she will "snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint." Another time, Carla when takes a job as a waitress and is forced to sing to a patron in front of the guys, she makes what seems like a very non-idle threat when she informs that that if they tell anyone she will rip their still beating hearts out of their chests and take a bite out of them.
* In ''Series/{{Friends}}'', Joey went with Monica to confront a food critic who gave her a bad review. When the critic refuses to try another sample of her sauce Joey deadpans, "Either ''eat'' it, or be ''in'' it."
* [[BadassIsraeli Ziva]] of ''Series/{{NCIS}}'' is prone to these with [[ChivalrousPervert Tony]] -- on one occasion she says she is seriously considering killing him with a spoon, and on another she threatens to kill him in eighteen different ways with a paperclip. One can only imagine...
** The was another one where [[{{Nerd}} Mc]][[TheWoobie Gee]] wanted his car repaired in a hurry and on the phone the mechanic said (infered) why should I rush? [=McGee=] replies [[BadassBoast because I put away killers for a living]].
* In ''Series/TheWestWing'', White House counsel Lionel Tribbey enters Leo's office shouting "I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!"
** More from ''Series/TheWestWing'':
--->'''Bruno:''' We will work hard. We will work well. We will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will, quite simply, be dead.
** C.J. catches Josh posting as himself on an online forum, and threatens him with:
--->'''C.J.:''' I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass... What?\\
'''Josh:''' Well... technically, I outrank you.\\
'''C.J.:''' ''So far up your ass''!
** There's also this threat by a Republican Senator.
--->'''Republican Senator:''' You told him: they take on finance campaign reform, I roll out a legislative agenda that will make his boss sit down and cry? [...] I'm gonna reach down [Josh's] throat and take out his lungs with an ice-cream scoop.
::: Turns out Josh is rather unimpressed, leading to one of his many CMOF.
** Leo gets in on the action when CJ arranges for a presidential photo op with a goat:
--->'''Leo:''' If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, [[ReptilesAreAbhorrent I'm hiding snakes in your car]].\\
'''C.J.:''' Come on, don't say that! Not even as a joke!\\
'''Leo:''' You're never gonna know where they are or if you got them all out. Gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment.
** In a first season episode, Mandy threatens to kill someone with her shoes.
* ''Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir'' had a memorable moment with Uncle Phil [[LockedInARoom Trapped In An Elevator]], trying to borrow a {{jerkass}}'s cellphone to reach Aunt Viv (who is in labour at the moment):
-->'''Philip:''' ''[to Will]'' Will, calm down. Now I've trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation. Okay? Observe.\\
''[Philip walks up to the man]''\\
'''Philip:''' Sir?\\
''[grabs the man by the lapels]''\\
'''Philip:''' Gimme that ''damn phone'' or I'm gonna rip your liver out and eat it '''raw'''.
* From ''Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia'': "I...am going to smack everyone... into tiny, little pieces."
* Russian arms dealer Igor got this gem in the Danish Christmas show ''Jul på Vesterbro'':
-->'''Igor:''' I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!
* ''Series/{{Glee}}'':
-->'''Sue:''' I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I'll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
* [[RunningGag Over the course of one episode]] of ''Series/JeevesAndWooster'', Roderick Spode threatens to break Bertie's "rotten spine in [three, four, five, '''SIX'''] places!"
* From the ''Series/FawltyTowers'' episode "[[Recap/FawltyTowersS2E1CommunicationProblems Communication Problems]]":
-->'''Sybil:''' If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil.
-->'''Basil:''' You'll have to sew them back on first!
** Manuel 'helps' Basil get out of a predicament, only getting him in deeper. Basil snarls "I'm going to sell you to a ''vivisectionist!''" - Manuel grins and gives him the 'thumbs-up'.
* Red Forman from ''Series/That70sShow'' similar to Team Fortress's Soldier below, makes a variety of different threats of shoving his foot up someone's ass and occasionally making them wear their ass as a hat.
* On ''Series/HowIMetYourMother'':
-->'''Lily:''' Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.\\
'''Barney:''' Wait, my eyes or my testicles?\\
'''Lily:''' One of each!
* ''Series/FatherTed'': Bishop Brennan, on the phone to Father Ted:
-->'''Bishop Brennan:''' If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms.
* A ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' sketch has Norfolk (played by Phil Hartman) explaining to Anne Boleyn that her method of execution depends on whether or not she agrees to divorce Henry VIII:
-->'''Anne Boleyn:''' What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope?\\
'''Norfolk:''' In that case, you shall be drawn and quartered by four strong horses. Then their quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four frogs. Then the quartering would stop, and the mincing would begin.
* ''Series/GreenWing'':
-->'''Angela:''' I have a hypothetical question.\\
'''Sue White:''' I have a hole punch. Let's not get bigheaded.
* In the pilot episode of ''Series/{{Leverage}}'', Eliot threatens to "beat Dubinich so hard that even the people who ''look'' like him are gonna bleed." He settles for taking down his company instead.
* In an episode of ''Series/WillAndGrace'', after Jack says something stupid, Will threatens to rip his heart out... through his foot.
* In ''Series/{{Suburgatory}}'' Dalia makes a bizarre revenge threat that gets wildly speculative and specific.
-->'''Dalia:''' You know what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I'm your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. ''(sips her drink)''The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
* ''Series/DowntonAbbey'' has Lord Grantham giving a pretty good one to [[spoiler:Branson when giving him and Sybil his blessing]]:
--> [[IfYouEverDoAnythingToHurtHer If you hurt her]], I will personally have you torn apart by wild dogs.
* ''Series/{{Parks and Recreation}}''
-->'''Leslie:''' The only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
-->'''Ben:''' Good Lord.
* In ''Series/LostGirl'', when Bo and Lauren are starting to get together, Kenzi makes it plain she hasn't forgotten how hurt Bo was after learning their last time turned out to be Lauren manipulating her:
-->'''Kenzi:''' She really likes you. So, if you hurt my friend again, one day in the future, anthropologists will find your skeleton in an unmarked grave with a massive, massive life-ending blow to your head by a totally awesome chick that rhymes with "frenzy". Okay?
* ''Series/Kingdom2007'': Lyle and Peter having pints in the pub. Lyle, being flippant, calls Peter "P.K."
-->'''Peter:''' Although everything you just said makes no sense whatsoever, I do find myself inclined to agree with it. Though call me "P.K." again and I'll [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal pull your pancreas out with a pair of pliers]].
* ''Series/GameOfThrones'':
** When Catelyn Stark hears the news of her husband's death, she goes to an imprisoned Jaime Lannister and threatens to cut off his head, pack it in a box and send it to his sister.
** Sandor "The Hound" Clegane had a couple in "Blackwater":
*** "If any of these flaming fucking arrows come near me, I'll strangle you with your own guts."
*** "Any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his fucking corpse!"
** Many threats are of the Freudian variety:
*** When she suspects he might be a FakeDefector, [[FieryRedhead Ygritte]] tells Jon Snow, "Don't ever betray me...because I'll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it round me neck."
*** "I'm going to open your lord from balls to brains and see what Starks are made of."
*** Shagga son of Dolf is so fond of threatening to cut off Tyrion's manhood and feed it to the goats that it's subverted before we even hear it.
** Tormund declares that if Jon has lied he will pull Jon's guts out through his throat.
* From ''Series/UnbreakableKimmySchmidt'':
-->'''Gretchen:''' I'd like to cut off his butt and make him eat it and then ask him how he plans to poop it!
* In one episode of ''Series/{{Castle}}'', a character is a murder suspect after leaving a lengthy, elaborate and rather creative answering machine message enumerating all the things he'd like to do to the victim, including: "strangle him with his own intestines", "force feed him his toes", "paralyze him with a clawhammer and cover him with ants", "nail him to the ceiling by his feet and pinata the hell out of him", and yes, "stab him with a rusty spoon".
* ''Series/BlakesSeven''. In "[[Recap/BlakesSevenS2E11Gambit Gambit]]", [[BigBad Supreme Commander Servalan]] of the Terran Federation negotiates with Krantor, the criminal overlord of [[ViceCity Freedom City]]. Once free of each other's presence, both parties make their true feelings known.
** Servalan re Krantor: "When the Federation finally cleans out this cesspit, I shall have that vulpine degenerate eviscerated with a small and very blunt knife."
** Krantor re Servalan: "One of these days, Toise, I am going to have Supreme Commander high-and-mighty Servalan ravaged until she does not know what month she's in!"
* ''Series/JessicaJones2015'':
-->'''Jessica:''' You're talking to me, or I'm pulling your spine out through your ear. [[SuperStrength You know I can.]]
* In ''Series/{{Letterkenny}}'', Squirrely Dan is a little upset about interruptions at the Adult Spelling Bee:
--> "As sure as Grandma's got gout, if I hear one fuckin' heckle, I will staple your tongue to your taint so you can watch me kick your ass!"
** Shoresy goes into excruciating detail over how hard he fucked Jonesy and Reilly's moms and how much they liked it.
---> "Fuck you, Jonesy, your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish. Threw off the [=pH=] levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit."
* ''Series/TheThinBlueLine'': "If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat you'll be blowing bullets out of your backside!"
* In the ''Series/BroadCity'' episode "St. Marks," Abbi shouts after a man who stole her bag, "When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out your disgusting little ball sack until you fucking throw up your own dick!"
* On ''Series/TopGear'', Jeremy Clarkson could get creative when talking about something that annoyed him.
--> "Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea [a 20-mile set of roadworks and speed cameras on the M1 in Leicestershire], go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just--" ''(mimes punching someone)'' "'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube."
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