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A weekly column on [[http://www.sparknotes.com SparkNotes]] in which columnist Dan Bergstein reads the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' series for the first time and summarizes it, chapter by chapter, in a hilarious manner. Dan constantly bashes the Cullens (except for Emmett) for never doing anything useful and Bella for being so selfish and whiny, while he thinks the werewolves are so awesome that he really wants to be one (he still hasn't found the right muscle to flex for that to happen, though). After finishing ''Breaking Dawn'', he started ''Literature/HarryPotter''.
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A weekly column on [[http://www.sparknotes.com SparkNotes]] in which columnist Dan Bergstein reads the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' ''[[Literature/TheTwilightSaga Twilight]]'' series for the first time and summarizes it, chapter by chapter, in a hilarious manner. Dan constantly bashes the Cullens (except for Emmett) for never doing anything useful and Bella for being so selfish and whiny, while he thinks the werewolves are so awesome that he really wants to be one (he still hasn't found the right muscle to flex for that to happen, though). After finishing ''Breaking Dawn'', he started ''Literature/HarryPotter''.
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** Take a drink every time the Vulturi Massacre comes up.
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** Take a drink every time the Vulturi Volturi Massacre comes up.
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trope in-universe only
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* AwesomeMcCoolname: Optimus Beyonce. That is all.
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[[http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page/ It can be read here]].
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* MeetMyGoodFriendsLeftyAndRighty: Emmett calls his arms "The Pain Train". They depart every hour, on the hour, because that's what's up.
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Added DiffLines:
A weekly column on [[http://www.sparknotes.com SparkNotes]] in which columnist Dan Bergstein reads the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' series for the first time and summarizes it, chapter by chapter, in a hilarious manner. Dan constantly bashes the Cullens (except for Emmett) for never doing anything useful and Bella for being so selfish and whiny, while he thinks the werewolves are so awesome that he really wants to be one (he still hasn't found the right muscle to flex for that to happen, though). After finishing ''Breaking Dawn'', he started ''Literature/HarryPotter''.
[[http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page/ It can be read here]].
Compare with ''Blog/MarkReadsTwilight''.
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!!Tropes:
* AlternativeCharacterInterpretation: Invoked by Dan, when he suggests that Bella might have brain tumors because that would explain her life-threatening clumsiness and Edward's inability to read her mind.
* AmbiguouslyGay: Marcus can come off as this.
* AwesomeMcCoolname: Optimus Beyonce. That is all.
* ButtMonkey: Marcus, with his useless power of seeing relationships, is treated like this.
* CargoShip: Invoked when Dan wonders if Marcus's relationship-sensing power includes seeing how much you love a certain type of food.
* CloudCuckoolander: Dan. He often goes off-topic, thinks that he can become a werewolf if he can flex the right muscle... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
* DreamingTheTruth: Lampshaded as lazy storytelling.
* DrinkingGame: Here are the rules--
** Take a drink every time you see the word "hate."
** Take a drink every time Dan mentions jetpacks.
** Take a drink for the sarcasm hand.
** Take a drink every time there is a call-back to a joke from a previous post.
** Take a drink every time Dan's resolve to finish the series is shaken.
** Take a drink whenever Dan defends his heterosexuality.
** Take a drink for every time Dan randomly mentions Quil and his toddler girlfriend.
** Take a drink every time the Vulturi Massacre comes up.
** Finish your drink any time Dan praises Bella or a member of the Cullen family besides Emmett.
** Finish your drink for a rage-quit.
* {{Fictionary}}: Dan-Latin. It's "similar to English, except you replace all the G's with P's and all the N's with the color yellow. And when you write it out, you dot the I's with very tiny pictures of a man walking a dog."
* GRatedSex: Treats Bella and Edward's face-touching as this.
* HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday: Dan retreats to this after every time he finds himself describing Jacob's impressive physique (in great detail).
--> Jacob returns to his naked human form, with his warm skin stretching and moving like an ocean of pure sex, the muscle just above his thigh calling out to you as the cool forest air makes tiny droplets of dew appear on his abs, abs that look like six tiny scoops of coffee ice cream that you just can't help but…um. I was just kidding about all that. I swear. Sarcasm hand! Sarcasm hand! See? I was kidding. Sarcasm hand! Girls are great because they are attractive and female.
* HeroicBSOD: His reaction to Breaking Dawn Chapter 18.
* {{Metaphorgotten}}: From the first article: "Sorry, but people in glass houses shouldn't pose questions about outdated names."
* {{MST}}: The whole point of the blog.
* OnceAnEpisode: His "Predictions" section. They are never right. But they are where he brings up many of his [[RunningGag Running Gags]]. Highlights include Quil's girlfriend (done enough that characters lampshade it), Emmett, Mike Newton in the first two books, Emmett, Alice's inconsistent powers, and Emmett. He seemed to take it seriously early on. By about Twilight Chapter 5 he gave it up for RuleOfFunny.
* OurWerewolvesAreDifferent: According to Dan, the werewolves should have jetpacks.
* PlotHole: Dan notices them and proceeds to criticize them in a humorous way.
* RevengeByProxy: Points out Victoria's reason to target Bella makes little sense, as Edward didn't kill James.
* RuleOfCool: Let's just say that if Dan wrote Twilight, it would have jetpacking werewolves, vampire trucks, MoreDakka, and awesome action scenes.
* RunningGag: Quite a few:
** The Sarcasm Hand
** Quil's one-liner comments about his girlfriend.
** Marcus (giggle)
** The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a cool teacher who took a trip to Italy and promised her students she would tell them all about it, and bring back souvenirs for them. She left them with a substitute who gives tests and downgrades the students for right answers. Now the sub IS the real teacher.
** Jetpacking werewolves.
** Emmett's hobbies and weapons, which run on RuleOfCool. Stilt-swords, anyone?
* SensitiveGuyAndManlyMan: Dan's perception of Edward and Jacob, respectively.
** He doesn't seem to take the news of Jacob's girlfriend as much in stride.
* UnusualEuphemism: When Jacob refers to vampires as "The Cold Ones," Dan notes that people love to use spooky-sounding synonyms for vampires. He then makes up a few of his own, including "Pretty Night Things That Bite," which he uses a few times later on.
** And when he notes how Meyer tries to avoid using the word 'sex', he comes up with his own euphemism for it: 'special hug'.
* WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway: Dan makes fun of Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie for having the powers of compassion, love, and tenacity, respectively.
** He also giggles every time he mentions Marcus, who has the ability...to see relationships.
----
[[http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page/ It can be read here]].
Compare with ''Blog/MarkReadsTwilight''.
----
!!Tropes:
* AlternativeCharacterInterpretation: Invoked by Dan, when he suggests that Bella might have brain tumors because that would explain her life-threatening clumsiness and Edward's inability to read her mind.
* AmbiguouslyGay: Marcus can come off as this.
* AwesomeMcCoolname: Optimus Beyonce. That is all.
* ButtMonkey: Marcus, with his useless power of seeing relationships, is treated like this.
* CargoShip: Invoked when Dan wonders if Marcus's relationship-sensing power includes seeing how much you love a certain type of food.
* CloudCuckoolander: Dan. He often goes off-topic, thinks that he can become a werewolf if he can flex the right muscle... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
* DreamingTheTruth: Lampshaded as lazy storytelling.
* DrinkingGame: Here are the rules--
** Take a drink every time you see the word "hate."
** Take a drink every time Dan mentions jetpacks.
** Take a drink for the sarcasm hand.
** Take a drink every time there is a call-back to a joke from a previous post.
** Take a drink every time Dan's resolve to finish the series is shaken.
** Take a drink whenever Dan defends his heterosexuality.
** Take a drink for every time Dan randomly mentions Quil and his toddler girlfriend.
** Take a drink every time the Vulturi Massacre comes up.
** Finish your drink any time Dan praises Bella or a member of the Cullen family besides Emmett.
** Finish your drink for a rage-quit.
* {{Fictionary}}: Dan-Latin. It's "similar to English, except you replace all the G's with P's and all the N's with the color yellow. And when you write it out, you dot the I's with very tiny pictures of a man walking a dog."
* GRatedSex: Treats Bella and Edward's face-touching as this.
* HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday: Dan retreats to this after every time he finds himself describing Jacob's impressive physique (in great detail).
--> Jacob returns to his naked human form, with his warm skin stretching and moving like an ocean of pure sex, the muscle just above his thigh calling out to you as the cool forest air makes tiny droplets of dew appear on his abs, abs that look like six tiny scoops of coffee ice cream that you just can't help but…um. I was just kidding about all that. I swear. Sarcasm hand! Sarcasm hand! See? I was kidding. Sarcasm hand! Girls are great because they are attractive and female.
* HeroicBSOD: His reaction to Breaking Dawn Chapter 18.
* {{Metaphorgotten}}: From the first article: "Sorry, but people in glass houses shouldn't pose questions about outdated names."
* {{MST}}: The whole point of the blog.
* OnceAnEpisode: His "Predictions" section. They are never right. But they are where he brings up many of his [[RunningGag Running Gags]]. Highlights include Quil's girlfriend (done enough that characters lampshade it), Emmett, Mike Newton in the first two books, Emmett, Alice's inconsistent powers, and Emmett. He seemed to take it seriously early on. By about Twilight Chapter 5 he gave it up for RuleOfFunny.
* OurWerewolvesAreDifferent: According to Dan, the werewolves should have jetpacks.
* PlotHole: Dan notices them and proceeds to criticize them in a humorous way.
* RevengeByProxy: Points out Victoria's reason to target Bella makes little sense, as Edward didn't kill James.
* RuleOfCool: Let's just say that if Dan wrote Twilight, it would have jetpacking werewolves, vampire trucks, MoreDakka, and awesome action scenes.
* RunningGag: Quite a few:
** The Sarcasm Hand
** Quil's one-liner comments about his girlfriend.
** Marcus (giggle)
** The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a cool teacher who took a trip to Italy and promised her students she would tell them all about it, and bring back souvenirs for them. She left them with a substitute who gives tests and downgrades the students for right answers. Now the sub IS the real teacher.
** Jetpacking werewolves.
** Emmett's hobbies and weapons, which run on RuleOfCool. Stilt-swords, anyone?
* SensitiveGuyAndManlyMan: Dan's perception of Edward and Jacob, respectively.
** He doesn't seem to take the news of Jacob's girlfriend as much in stride.
* UnusualEuphemism: When Jacob refers to vampires as "The Cold Ones," Dan notes that people love to use spooky-sounding synonyms for vampires. He then makes up a few of his own, including "Pretty Night Things That Bite," which he uses a few times later on.
** And when he notes how Meyer tries to avoid using the word 'sex', he comes up with his own euphemism for it: 'special hug'.
* WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway: Dan makes fun of Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie for having the powers of compassion, love, and tenacity, respectively.
** He also giggles every time he mentions Marcus, who has the ability...to see relationships.
----
