Well, that was sad. You can tell how half-assed CWC is. The textwalls are so heavy, he's better off trying to write a light novel. Not that he would be any better at that.

["light"/"heavy" joke was removed by request of the author's brain]

edited 24th Aug '10 3:59:16 PM by WillyFourEyes

@Willy: Chris would never allow that. The only black characters in the entire comic so far, if I remember correctly, are B-Manajerk and South Park NPC ripoff Florence from Episode Nineteen. Still a hilarious prospect, though.

Speaking of, quick question for the two or three of you still reading the liveblog: How fast do you guys want the liveblog to go? Because I already have a five-part recap for all of Issue Nine ready, and writing up the last half of Episode Seventeen shouldn't take any time at all.

We can get this out of the way as quickly as possible and put this thing out of it's misery, or we can draw it out slow and painful style. So, what's the word?

edited 24th Aug '10 4:21:04 PM by Swingyshark

I don't mind the speed. As long as we can finish the liveblog I AM H...A...P...P...Y.

I could care less. Just do what's easiest for you.

I don't care either, but colour me impressed that you managed to make it through three episodes of this stuff, and that you still plan on doing more.

Alright, fair enough. Then tomorrow will be the Sonichu Superupdate. Episode 17-2 and all of Issue Nine. I've already got about half of Issue Ten done, but anything more threatens to make the update an overload.

I hope everybody is enjoying the liveblog so far. As much as one can enjoy anything involving Sonichu, anyway. I plan to see this through to completion, but it wouldn't be much of an LB if reading it was more tedious than entertaining.

edited 25th Aug '10 4:37:27 PM by Swingyshark

No, it's good stuff. Very readable. You even made me want to look up the actual comics in some cases to see if they were as bad as you made them sound.

They are. You're better off looking up the Audiobooks. At least they come with good music and MST

edited 25th Aug '10 5:26:44 PM by Daionusthe23rd

"She’s supposed to look ‘as cute as Sailor Mercury’, but since Blanca is still the hot dog in shorts she was last issue, I get the feeling Ami isn’t flattered by the comparison at all."

CWC drags my favorite childhood anime character into this mess?!* THAT'S IT! Anybody know how much a good silencer goes for?

• Don't judge me, I'm nowhere near as weird as CWC (thank God!).

Sonichu Liveblog Binge-

100% Complete.

Damn, it was painful reading the first couple of pages though.

Due to technical difficulties, the Sonichu Superupdate won't be up until Monday. Use the extra time to replenish your sanity levels, as Issue Nine is by far the worst thing I've ever read in my life.

I aplogize for the delay, but my computer is being very, very uncooperative, and the earliest I can get access to the update file is Monday.

edited 28th Aug '10 6:23:18 PM by Swingyshark

It's probably trying to process all of the crap it'd just eaten, like a gourmet at an all-you-can-eat steak BBQ.

Did anyone see the most recent (as of this post) episode of Futurama? It features Fry presenting a poorly-drawn comic starring an idealized superhero version of himself with Combo Platter Powers saving a girl that looks not unlike Leela. Does any of this sound familiar?

Unlike Chris, however, Fry actually listened to criticism.

And Fry can get laid.

Update time!

I had originally planned to stagger these into one or maybe two updates a day, so every update has introduction and ending commentary, which I'm leaving in to keep the blind read/stream of consciousness feel that was there when they were written.

So, without further ado, I present to you the actually-has-six-parts special that is the Sonichu Superupdate. And don't worry, it's all going to be spaced out into six posts.

Returning to TRUE AND HONEST chronological order, stuff Issue Nine down your facethroats for Maximum Enjoyment. It’s going to be long no matter what, since I have to slog through 100+ pages of this tripe and more than half a dozen new characters get introduced in his issue alone.

Issue Nine, Episode Nineteen: Date Ed, aka Dating Education. Better known as

Issue Nine, Episode Nineteen, Part One: Attack Of The Generic Recolors

When I said the meeting of villains back in Episode 16 was a clusterfuck, I hadn’t seen the cover art for Issue Nine, which utterly puts that meeting to shame in terms of how many characters were jammed together for one page. Anybody who’s ever appeared in Sonichu that isn’t Chris or a villain is here, attacking some faceless thing out of the frame. Even Jamsta and Lolisa have been shoved on the page, despite them being pretty high up on the list of utterly useless characters.

After the obligatory disclaimer page, we get a picture of the CWC Ville University, a building that shouldn’t even exist in CWC Ville since nobody there is smart enough to have ever attended a school of any sort. Wild and Punchy are there for their first day of Dating Education class. Do note that it’s the only class they’re taking, reinforcing what I’ve said above somewhat. Unless it’s a class that has to do with getting sweet, sweet china, nobody here would bother with school. Punchy is totally excited to learn and, maybe in a few months, actually impress Angelica with what he could learn. Wild seems like he’s just sort of going along for the ride, even though he signed up for the class way before Punchy did.

We’re then re-introduced to two new brain-dead additions to the cast, Simonla Rosechu and Zapina Rosechu. Unlike pretty much every other idiot on campus, Simonla actually attends regular classes there, or at least makes us assume that much. Zapina goes to a high school, even though she’s only fourteen, and apparently she pays Simonla to be her friend. How depressing. Why the hell is everybody either a Sonichu or a Rosechu, anyway? Pokemon was about variety, and even in Sonic, you hardly ever saw more than one character of any specific species. Just Chris being generally unoriginal, I guess.

We see Simonla thinking to herself about how she wants to get paired up with a great man and have a son named Reginald. How exciting. In the classroom, Wild and Punchy prepare for class in their own ways. Wild is too nervous and scared of how equal the gender ratio in the class is that he can’t even move his head. Punchy, on the other hand, is only thinking of how awesome he is and how he’ll so ace the class, wowing Angelica in the process. Their teacher then comes in and immediately starts flooding them all with an ocean of nonsense text and emoticons. She has an awesome name, though: Miss Jackaras. I guess she dates a cowboy or something, and keeps his hat on her desk for no given reason other than she might be slightly insane, judging by that vacant stare.

Miss Jackass Jackaras warns the kiddies not to touch your potential partner without asking first, since that’s rude, and asking is a gesture of kindness and respect. It’s also kinda creepy, but she leaves that note out. Teacher takes roll call, and we get introduced to even more poorly thought-out and/or borrowed characters, namely Layla Flaaffy, Ivy Nolastnamegiven, and Reginald Sneasel. Since when are Sneasels teal and yellow? Since never, that’s when, but nobody else in this story makes any sense, so it’s common enough, I guess. At least he’s not another Sonichu.

When the view pans out to show us the whole class, all the extras have actually been given slight features and coloring, a huge step up from such classics as the mass of circles or the Fencepost of People from Episode Eighteen. Unfortunately, it takes two steps back down, as most of them are ripoffs of South Park characters, like the Wendy and Cartman sitting in the front row and the blue-coat Kenny expy behind Simonla.

Right away, Reginald gets a crush on Layla, who is totally oblivious to him. Chris, who isn’t even in the damn class because he‘s trapped in the timehole, suddenly freezes, as he’s getting a vision of sorts. At the same time, new girl Ivy also freezes, seeing the same vision. It’s a horrible, nightmarish vision of them falling in love while Godjesus watches. What happened to his TRUE AND HONEST HEARTSWEET Sarah from the last episode? Y’know, that chick with the black boxes growing from her skull? The other girl Godjesus said for Chris to stalk fall in love with? Guess she died, or Chris forgot about her. Also worth noting is the lulzworthy picture of shirtless Chris waving his clown shirt around like a flag while Ivy clings to his arm, probably to stop him from waving his shirt around like a jackass. There’s also some nonsense about her restoring Chris’ internal clock. Is Chris a robot? Why does his internal clock need restoring? Maybe all his wandering in an inter-dimensional port-a-potty reset his hard drive or something.

The vision stops, and Ivy returns to reality, replete with cat scratches and a look of utter horror on her face at what she can never unsee: Her and Chris being heartsweets. Miss Jackaras dumps more text on her students, this time about how she’ll be handing out slips of paper with each student’s screen name and the screen name of their opposite-sex partner for the Instant Message portion of the class. Reginald, to his dismay, is paired up with the generic Florence Fisher, while Punchy’s partner is Layla. Wild and Simonla are partners, and Ivy is partnered with the Kenny expy George Phillip. She’s not going to look at her card, though, since she’s ‘holding out for Chris’. That poor, deluded woman.

Punchy tries to buy a cola in the vending machine after class, but due to how fucked up CWC Ville’s money is, he has the wrong type of quarter and must go drink-less. Lucky for him, Wild turns the corner and agrees to give him change, since he happens to have the right kind of quarter. All the while, Reginald is spying on them, plotting to foil Punchy’s attempts to win the heart of a girl he doesn’t even know and has no intentions of dating. At least, not until the next day, anyway. Punchy and Layla really hit it off, to the point where one conversation over IM makes him love her more than Angelica, whom he’s known almost his whole life. Reginald tells him some lies about Layla to deter him, but she disproves them all for Punchy.

Wild and Simonla get along well, too, with Simonla’s extremely short essay on their conversation showing that she is ‘loving every moment’ of their one IM chat. Reginald is totes depressed over Layla and Punchy connecting so quickly, to the point that he ignores his partner and makes her feel horrible. Outside, Wild wonders who his partner, the mysterious Dig Dugette, is. Conveniently enough, Simonla, Layla, and Zapina are all talking about the dating class while blatantly exposing each other’s usernames. The next day, Reginald tries to keep Punchy and Layla apart by flipping a switch to turn Punchy’s keyboard off just as Layla agrees to go on a date with Punchy. I’m going to ignore that there’s no on/off switch for a keyboard on the back of a computer tower and just roll with it.

Wild tells Layla that Punchy wants to go on the date, then turns around and exposes Simonla as his partner. The two hold hands and fall in love immediately, kicking dirt in the face of real relationships. Wild grabs Simonla and takes her to his treehouse. His treehouse in the city. She’s impressed by the fact that Wild builds his own stuff, much like she does. So impressed that her eyes wander to opposite sides of her head and her face freezes horrifically. Simonla then takes Wild to her house, which he enjoys, and Chris treats us to overhead shots of the floor plans for both their homes, as if we care.

That same day, back at CWC Ville University, Punchy and Layla meet outside for their date. Punchy sweeps Layla off on his motorcycle and whisks her away to... a Mc Donalds. How classy. The far right and far left panels with Layla by herself are almost decent, except she looks terrified of her salad in the right panel and Chris once again takes the phrase ‘stars in their eyes’ way too far in the left one. That, and Punchy’s ’Freedom Fry’-holding arm looks bizarre. Elsewhere, Reginald sulks while Angelica sneaks up on him. According to her, Florence told her Reginald needed a friend, so they talk.

Angelica gives him a valuable-ish lesson on catching a girl’s attention before someone else can, and Reginald just angsts about how Layla is a lost cause and how a pretty girl like Angelica would never want to go out with him. Angelica disagrees, telling him that she thinks he’s a nice guy, and for once, I actually have to concur. Reginald is actually pretty likable, compared to most everyone else on the cast. He invites Angelica to have dinner at his house, and the two have a sweet little moment where she holds his… claw-appendage-hand-thing. Again, another panel almost well-drawn, Angelica’s pointy fingers aside.

The view zooms out, and we see all three of our couples sitting in the exact same park not five feet away from each other. Wild and Simonla chatter about how much they love each other despite being of opposing types and having only known each other personally for, like, a day or so. Ivy, meanwhile, sits all by her lonesome on top of the CWC Ville Shopping Center, dutifully waiting for Chris as Godjesus has commanded her to.

God, we’re not even at the end of this episode yet. This shit goes on for a while. And even then, the start of Episode Twenty is four pages behind the halfway mark for this issue.

I need a break. Sonichu Squick Theatre will return after the break with whatever is left of Episode Nineteen and the start of Episode Twenty.

Welcome back to Sonichu. Please keep your arms and legs inside the liveblog at all times, lest you get dragged down into this hellhole, too.

Issue Nine, Episode Nineteen, Part Two: To Idiocy And Beyond

Where did we leave off? Oh, right. Everyone has fallen in love or something.

The next day in class, Rita Jackaras tells everybody that their teacher, her sister, died in an automobile accident. While not having a coherent grasp of the English language, Rita assures the class that she is capable of handing out exam papers and using the key to grade them, and that she’s so impressed with the successful ‘love-relationships’ that developed in class. The kiddos take their exams and everybody passes, as shown by the chart of each student’s percentile score arranged by their seating chart. Yawn. Next page is the dating exam, written by Chris himself for HONEST SONICHU AND ROSECHU FANS to put down their HONEST AND TRUE ANSWERS before looking at the answer key he put in the back of the comic.

BILLY MAYS pops up for no reason on the next page to talk about how he’s not the mayor of CWC Ville, Chris is. No, wait, secretart Allison Amber is, since Chris is playing in the timehole. Either way, BILLY MAYS totally supports Chris, CWC Ville, all of Virginia, and the Sonichu cast. I’m sure the real Billy Mays is turning over in his grave at this impostor in the Sonichu shirt ladling such heavy praise on Chris. BILLY MAYS reminds us not to disrespect Chris, and to respect him as much as we respect ourselves/our friends and family, which will never happen.

Almost a month passes next time we see our ‘heroes’. What are they doing now? Sleeping off some of that awkward Pokesex Chris is so fond of when they’re awakened by some weird ‘woosh’. Talk about light sleepers. Simonla is too busy sleeping to wonder about it, and Punchy is nursing a hangover and therefore doesn’t care, but everyone else is pretty worried about the scary sound of wind. By the way, good job staying HONEST AND TRUE to your religion, Angelica, what with all that pre-marital sex. What an angel.

As it turns out, that wind is not wind, but Silvana, Walter/Wes-Li and Chris’ evil twin in hedgehog form (who looks a lot like Punchy and Wild’s freakish lovechild after being drawn on with a Sharpie) patrolling the forest, city, and the mall. At Sonichu and Rosechu’s house, Sonichu stares up Rosechu’s skirt while she does laundry and sparkles so hard it would make a Twilight vampire jealous. She thinks something about how she loves being appreciated for both her mind and her body, which makes no sense as she didn’t say anything intelligent (and never has), and Sonichu was peeping up her dress instead of actually speaking to her. I seriously don’t think he cares about anything more than china, especially since all she thinks about is flowers, sex, and spending money on shopping sprees. Sonichu actually has something important to tell her, but he’d rather make out with her first, proving again that he doesn’t give a shit about her thoughts or opinion at all, just her china.

Eventually, Sonichu does begin telling Rosechu about how he was talking to some fans online, but some Sonichu fans who were homosexual came in and started talking. According to Sonichu, he and Chris pity homosexuals, but ‘respect them as equals and let them live peaceful lives’, as if Chris’ permission is needed for someone to live their life the way they want to. He also talks about how Chris appreciates and welcomes all fans of the series, no matter what their orientation, which is just more bullshit.

What pisses Sonichu off the most is everybody thinking that he’s gay, or that everyone in the series is gay, and that people misunderstand some things in the comic and take them out of context to make everybody look gay. Neither Sonichu nor Chris appreciates ‘being wrongfully mislabeled as homos’, as they fully support STAYING STRAIGHT (HE IS SERIOUS), and any thoughts to the contrary infuriates Sonichu. To make matters worse, he says, he was ‘wrongfully quoted’ in a college essay written by a homosexual promoting the acceptance of gays.

Since Sonichu is against everything that isn’t HONEST, TRUE, AND STRAIGHT, this is unacceptable to him. Only with the exceptions of the few noted individuals, everybody in and around CWC Ville promotes being straight. Wait, what exceptions? Chris never made any notes on any of his characters not STAYING STRAIGHT. Unless that feminine ‘-chan’ suffix in Magi-Chan’s name counts for anything, or his lusting after the chick with the pickle in her panties, but that’s hardly a ‘noted example’. Or did he mean the person who quoted him in the paper and the homosexual Sonichu fans?

And didn’t they just say, like, one page ago that they didn’t mind gay people, and actually felt bad for them? Now they’re just wrong people making sinful choices and daring to write papers on how they should be accepted and treated as equally as everybody else.

So enraged at the boldness of these homosexuals and their request for equality and their daring attempts at mislabeling him as gay, Sonichu actually starts smashing shit in the house, all the while screaming how he is straight and would rather have a sex-change operation than ever be a gay man-hedgehog-Pikachu-thing.

I tried to scream. Nothing came out but blood.

Once I regained my senses, I turned the page, only to be met with Rosechu as she turned the Sparkle Factor up to an eye-gouging 11. She tells Sonichu she’ll always be by his side to ‘fight the good fight’, and she’ll help him recover from his ‘hellish trial’ with their ‘shared heavenly true love’. Oh gods, just kill me already. I can’t take this HONEST AND TRUE romance gunk anymore.

Sonichu and Rosechu get ready to start sexing in the kitchen, but a bunch of explosions stop them. Somehow, Rosechu shrinks to about half her normal size when Sonichu picks her up and they run off together to save the day or someshit. Meanwhile, our favorite secretart, Allison, has gotten a class upgrade to Mayor, even going so far as to scratch off the ‘Vice’ in ‘Vice Mayor’ written on her nameplate. When she gets the call that the city is under attack from that group of villains from Episode 16, she deploys the police force, their Power Rangers—

Wait. Wait wait wait, what?

CWC Ville has Power Rangers?

No, really. THEY HAVE POWER RANGERS?

I actually cried a little at that. Thanks for never failing to beat the collective childhoods of your readership like a red-headed step-child, Chris.

There’s a few more pages before the start of Episode Twenty, but we’re going to break here. I need to regain some semblance of my sanity to even think of continuing. This segment is just too much.

So, next time, Episode Twenty. Will I rage to death? Possibly! Stay tuned to find out.

Alright, I lied. Let’s keep going with the last bit of Episode Nineteen.

Issue Nine, Episode Nineteen, Part Three: The Shortest Segment Ever

After that moment of I-don’t-want-to-know-what, Allison orders a pizza or something, because that’s what good mayors do in times of crisis. They make everybody else handle the problem while they kick back and eat spinach pizza. What sort of fatass has a pizza button on their desk anyway? The things these people let Chris get away with is amazing. A button linking him to their various nonsensical defense forces, that I can get. A button linking him to the nearest pizza parlor? Not so much. It only works when you want to order a spinach and cheese pizza, specifically. I can only guess there’s a whole different row of buttons for other pizzas, or other food in general. It’s Sonichu. Anything is possible, especially when it makes as impractical as possible. Logic and reasoning come here to die painful deaths.

The pizza delivery girl- nameless of course -is irritated she has to stop working and deliver a pizza to the mayor’s office right that second. Probably because she thinks Chris is still working and might try to grope her or something. Or maybe Allison likes to badtouch strangers, I really don’t know and don’t care anymore. She somehow happens to have the pizza Allison ordered despite just finding out about it, fine, whatever. The delivery girl jumps in her ridiculously oversized pizza van and speeds off towards the mayor’s office.

While all that’s going on, Punchy and Layla are beating up some random Jerkops. Or, Punchy is beating them up and Layla is just standing there looking worried, like any girl in Sonichu. Push comes to shove, though, when she almost gets hit with a breadstick, so she barfs a huge lightning bolt at the Jerkop, stopping him from hitting her. She’s worried she might have hit Punchy with the attack, but he assures her that he’s fine, meaning we can now segue into...

Episode Twenty: The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Idiocy

We start off with the most confusing scene in Sonichu to date: half of Punchy talking to Punchy while Punchy rides a motorcycle, while at the same time Punchy hugs Layla next to Punchy as Punchy rides a motorcycle and the bag goes over the head and the air stops and then the sweet, sweet darkness comes to take me to a world without Sonichu.

Worth noting is that, at the top of the page, the half-Punchy yells out, “Prower! Intercept and take down!” into what I can only guess is an earpiece we didn’t know about it. The baffling thing is that somebody replies, but we never see them or the take down he asked for. Who is Prower? It can’t be Tails, as there is no Tails-based character anywhere in the comic. So what the hell is going on here? It’s never explained.

Somewhere in the forest, Simonla, having burst all the blood vessels in her eyes, is digging under the Jerkop cars to make them crash. They all come out to fight them, but Wild uses his vines to tie them up and smash them all head-first into the ground behind him. A note from Chris tells us not to try this at home, but who the fuck can sprout vines from their arms to even think about trying this? Does Chris even think about what he’s saying before he says it? Hell no, or we wouldn’t be here. Simonla tells Wild not to rest, while at the same time using Signal Beam.

Reginald is slicing cars in half and punching what looks like a Transformer— wait, that is a Transformer. Sigh. Fucking Chris. So, Reginald defeats this half-assed ripoff of yet another beloved series with Angelica’s help. Our not-so-innocent angelchu then starts clipping airplanes in half. She also steals a move from Rouge, Heel Stomp, and with Reginald, they beat down all the evil planes, which somehow crash without ever touching the huge church below.

Meanwhile, Bubbles and Blake team up to fight off a whole troupe of the Transformer recolors, with Blake doing most of the work. There’s some nonsense mention of something being as ‘straight as a miracle bullet’, which I still don’t get, and Blake somehow makes the robot’s gun do a 180 so it shoots the ‘bot in the face. As is custom, he starts macking on his lady now that the battle is over instead of going to help everybody else.

Sonichu and Rosechu get ready to start fighting somewhere in the city. Rosechu, being the helpless girl she is, needs a sword to fight, but Sonichu is his own weapon. They spend one page beating stuff up before we get some shots of some different action at the shopping center. Patti has up a force field, Darkbind is punching shit, Zapina shocks stuff, and Jamsta and Lolisa get their obligatory cameo, sort of. You can barely see any of Jamsta, and both he and Lolisa look like they’re beating up babies. Zapina also looks like she’s electrocuting a bunch of Duplo people or something. Up in the air, Magi-Chan is using his psychic powers to drop planes into the ocean.

BUT SUDDENLY, SILVANA SHOWS UP. DUN DUN DUN.

So, let’s take a break here. Next time on It Came From The Sonichu, we see how this battle of supreme stupidity pans out.

I’m running out of quasi-intelligent opening lines, so let’s just cut right to the chase.

Issue Nine, Episode Twenty, Part Two: Why Is This Issue So Long?

When we stopped, Magi-Chan and Silvana were about to have an epic battle.

There’s a page of mostly text following. Magi-Chan tries to convince her Graduon is a liar, Silvana is an idiot and refuses to listen, blah blah blah restoring birth gender, blah blah denial, and now they kung fu fight. Except we don’t get to see it, since it suddenly cuts away to Slaweel talking to Walter about the magic dome over CWC Ville, which I assume is Patti’s barrier. Back to Sonichu, who is getting irritated at the Decepti-jerks, which I guess are the Transformer recolors, when Chris suddenly shows up in his lame car. The Transformers and Hasbro get another round of molesting, thanks to Chris’ ‘My other car is an Autobot’ bumper sticker. But wait, it only gets worse. Chris’ shitty car transforms into the Son-Chu Autobot, who mutilates an iconic Transformer catchphrase as it assembles more of it’s disgusting ilk. They beat stuff up and I’m so eager to get away from this part of the story.

Rosechu gets kidnapped by a Decepti-jerk, and like any good heroine, she screams for her man to save her useless pink ass. At the same time, one of the Decepti-jerks somehow sets a building on fire, and a black-and-flesh-colored blob (I think it’s a girl) throws some Pokeballs out a window when she realizes she’s trapped inside and can’t escape. The Pokeballs open, dropping Chloe Rosechu and Blaze Bob (Wait, really? That’s his name?) into the parking lot below. They smell the smoke and realize their apartment is on fire and their Trainer, Sarah, is nowhere to be seen before the whole building blows up with more fire or something. Chloe and Blaze Bob (No, seriously. That’s really his name?) find Sarah’s panda-ear headband on the ground and realize that she set them free so they wouldn’t die in the fire with her. They’re pretty generic characters, but it’s actually a pretty touching moment. That’s probably the only truly selfless act anyone has done in the comic to this point, and will probably be the last.

Chris sort of cheapens the moment by his memorial at the bottom, revealing that this Sarah is Panda Halo, and it’s also the same Sarah he said was his forever heartsweet a few episodes ago, meaning that by having her die now, he is cleaning house to make room for Ivy. She can’t just go on living like Chris let Patti live, because Chris already had a big to-do about them being TRUE AND HONEST heartsweets, even though he’s retconned that by making Ivy his new destined heartsweet.

This bitchy fireman ruins it as well, by walking over and yelling at Chloe and Blaze Bob for just standing there mourning their loss instead of fighting with the other hedgehogs. Chloe tries to tell her that they’re not from CWC Ville and are just visiting, and thus have no obligation to protect this shithole city, but Blaze Bob interrupts, thinking it would be a great way to honor Sarah’s memory by fighting the enemies that killed her. Another potentially emotional moment arises, but gets cut off when we suddenly switch back to Sonichu fighting more robots. A horrifying billboard asking for Chris to come back can be seen in the background, showing off a caricature of Chris someone drew for him.

Sonichu snaps the head off one Decepti-jerk, then stands around talking to it about Family Guy and You Tube. It takes another distressed call from Rosechu to remind him he has a girlfriend to save, which he attempts to do when Magi-Chan interrupts with a psychic transmission about the next enemy Sonichu is about to fight. Some random brown Sonichu pops up and threatens to ‘copycatly sieze claim of you hedgehogs’ and the city from Chris now that he’s gone. They fight, and when Sonichu knocks the guy out, he turns back into a human, who is then carted off in an ambulance. For some reason, they show him lying on a patch of grass in the middle of some concrete before flipping to Sonichu in the park.

It’s at the park that Sonichu not only finds the Decepti-jerk holding Rosechu hostage, but Giovanni, Robotnik, and Reldnahc. Giovanni demands that Sonichu pledge his loyalty and obedience to Reldnahc, and to make Reldnahc the mayor of CWC Ville. Oddly enough, Giovanni doesn’t seem to know if Reldnahc is his son or not, judging by the question mark in parentheses he put next to ‘my son’. Sonichu, of course, refuses. Giovanni tells him to rethink his choice, or the dame gets it, see? But he’s smashed in the face with a basketball, while at the same time, the robot’s hand gets cut off, freeing Rosechu. They look around, wondering who it was that saved her. Why, it’s none other than Darkbind and Bionic, of course.

Darkbind was just ‘leveling-up with experience’ when he heard the chaos caused by the robots and came to help. Seeing Rosechu and Sonichu in trouble, he and Bionic teamed up to take the robot down. Bionic, on the other hand, was just shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of bad guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in the neighborhood. Rosechu got in one little fight and they all got scared, so he teamed up with Darkbind and that was a terrible joke.

Reldnahc sits up, because I guess somewhere in the last page or so he fell down, and recognizes Bionic as the hedgehog who hit him with a basketball back in Episode Fourteen. He gets his revenge by hitting Bionic in the head with a Pokeball and ordering the Nidoking inside (who looks kinda like a short purple Godzilla) to attack. Bionic tries to hold him back, but fails. When it looks like he’s doomed to be crushed, Sonichu uses, of all things, Mud Slap. Nidoking is blinded and Bionic is free. Out of nowhere, Darkbind comes to Bionic’s aid, helpfully informing him that since Nidoking is a Poison Type, he’s weak to attacks of the Ground and Psychic Type. Is it just me, or are these two oddly chummy with each other?

Bionic... hits Nidoking with some macaroni and cheese or something. I’m not quite sure what that weird, stacked yellow-and-orange stuff is. It defeats him, though, and Reldnahc is forced to call his Pokemon back. He starts chanting some nonsense spell, then shoots a curse ball at Bionic. Bionic, basketball whiz that he is, catches the curse ball and plays with it while ‘whistlin’ Harlem’. I think Chris means that he’s whistling ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’, but who knows? I sure don’t.

Bionic throws the curse ball back at Reldnahc, who is hit with his own Curse of Embarrassment. As such, he pees his pants, and either his pants are ass-less (a reasonable possibility, knowing Reldnahc), or he poops so hard that it rips the seat of his pants and goes flying. He then Teleports away, while Giovanni (riding sidecar to Eggman) swears revenge.

With that fresh in our minds, let’s break. This goes on for a while, and I did say the updates would be shorter to spare eye-strain. Imagine if I did this whole episode in one entry. Actually, don’t. I don’t even want to think about all this shullbit longer than I have to.

Now, for the possibly thrilling conclusion of

Issue Nine, Episode Twenty, Part Three: The Ultimate Champions Of Ultimate Idiocy

We finally get to see what happened with Magi-Chan and Silvana, but only in a half-assed mini-summary of how he defeated her. Somehow, he used a ‘moon-lit memory’ to give her a headache. A headache defeated her? Silvana is the worst villain ever.

Back in the present, Megagi has shown up in a garish cheerleader outfit to do a cheer for the Lancers, whoever they are. Bionic just enjoys the show and Darkbind is nowhere to be seen. I wonder where he got off to? Magi-Chan sends Sonichu a telepathic message to go back to the mall, so they go back to the mall. On the way, Magi-Chan textdumps Sonichu and Rosechu. It’s all stuff about how so-and-so defeated Generic Enemy #1046 (although the fight against the huge B-Manajerk I’d actually like to see. DELICIOUS WOODEN BADGE FOR ALL.) and how they’re preparing to un-brainwash a lot of the Jerkops. Also, Ivy died in an elevator. Sonichu and Rosechu don’t even know Ivy, so why they’re crying, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the unusually detailed description of her hanging to death in an elevator shaft Magi-Chan is giving them.

By the time they get to the mall, everybody’s already forgotten about Ivy being dead. Slaweel and her amazing magic showerhead throw out some gibberish ‘magic words’ to take down the barrier, BUT WHAT’S THIS? Sonichu somehow got a flying broom and is chasing Slaweel? Uh, okay. If you say so. Using his super speed, Sonichu jumps off his broom and breaks Slaweel’s before she can even turn back around to see him do it. Graduon makes a magic floor-grid to catch her before she falls, but Sonichu jumps on it, too. Slaweel calls Sonichu a mouse, to which he replies, “I am a hedgehog, not a Sandshrew!” Not that she ever accused you of being a Sandshrew, but technically, you’re not a hedgehog either. You’re a hedge-mouse. Pikachu was an electric mouse, so she’s half right. Way to know your Pokemon, Chris.

Sonichu and Slaweel fight, while Rosechu watches from the ground. It’s about as interesting as watching paint dry, and within a page and a half, Sonichu has Slaweel gripping the edge of the platform and crying for help before she plummets to her death. Graduon won’t help her, since he finds her just as incompetent as everyone reading this comic, but Sonichu saves her. She lets him leave, since she’s tired and thinks she’s already done enough menacing for today, so she has Graduon take them home.

On the ground, Rosechu catches Sonichu, where he’s surprised to find everybody waiting at the shopping center for him. Rosechu wonders why he saved Slaweel instead of killing her, to which Sonichu replies that it’s Chris’ job to deal the final blow to Slaweel. Everybody just accepts this and goes to stand with their insignificant other. Everybody except Magi-Chan, that is; he just hovers in a thought bubble and looks irritated at everybody for being dumb enough to let their biggest villain escape so Chris can have his ego pumped up later.

All the Sonichus and Rosechus decide to help put the city back together, then ‘head home for dinner and 'Mary Poppins'’ with their children. Only, Sonichu and Rosechu are the only couple who have kids, and even that’s a shock, as they've never been mentioned before this point. Maybe everybody is going to watch the movie with Sonichu and Rosechu's kids? Creepy.

Epilogue time! Wild and Magi-Chan are floating together over some random forest, staring into a purple hula hoop. Magi-Chan tells Wild that now is the moment they can free Chris from the void of time, but they’ll need Wild’s Vine Whip to save him. Magi-Chan ties one of Wild’s vines around his waist, Wild ties one around a tree, then holds on to them both while Magi-Chan goes into the void to get Chris. After they pull him out, Chris spares us the recap by showing us him as Chris-Chan Sonichu finishing up a conversation with Wild and then running off to do who knows what in Tennessee.

The next page is the last one involving plot, and isn’t… too horrible, art-wise. But it’s mostly hand-written text from Chris about how from now on, he won’t be butting into the plot and making everything all about him. It’ll go back to being Sonichu’s story, as it should have been from the beginning. Chris will make good on it with his SOLEMN PROMISES AND DEEDS, but we’ve all heard that line before. Don’t hold your breath, folks. Blah blah the same fake advertisement from the last two issues, and then some random page confirming that, yes, Sonichu and Rosechu are married.

They were married in March of 2006, which doesn’t make much since, given that Rosechu would have only been 17 in March of 2006 if any of Chris’ birthday filler from Episode Eighteen is true, and thus can’t consent to marriage by herself. She also managed to have three kids in the two years they were married which, again, makes no sense at all unless Cerah and Christine are twins or something. Look at me, applying logic where there is none. The kids are all hideous little rugrats, though.

There’s a page showing a bigger version of the floor plans of Wild’s house, then another of Simonla’s house, and finally the answer key to Chris’ dating education quiz from Episode Nineteen. All the right answers are underlined in eye-searing neon magenta, and finally, we have Chi-Chian’s submitted answer to the essay question, which actually isn’t that bad. Still, it’s all posted with the impression that somebody out there actually gives a damn about any of this. Show of hands, who does? Nobody? Thought so.

Wrapping this whole epic clusterfuck up is a full-size picture of the caricature from the billboard on page 77. It’s even worse up close.

Two episodes. One issue. Six updates. I need to lie down.

Next time, we take the plunge into Issue 10 and see what fresh hell Chris has cooked up for us.

I was halfway through posting the updates when I realized I forgot to post the last half of Episode Seventeen beforehand. Whoops. It should be broken into two parts, but I don't feel like overloading the thread with yet another post.

Since Komodin so thoughtfully stared into the hellish, yiff-filled abyss that is the original opening to Episode Seventeen, I now present the not-so-exciting conclusion:

Issue Eight, Episode Seventeen, Part Two: Nudity And Pickles— Now With More Religion!

After the terrible sex scene, we rejoin Sonichu and Rosechu looking at stuff on the internet. Sonichu manhandles Rosechu’s tail while telling her about his dream that she obviously couldn’t care less about. She tells him to lay off the pawing, since there’s SRS TRUBBLE on the interbutts: 4-cent_garbage is dragging Chris’ name through the muck! How they’re doing that is by putting up porn drawings of people in the series that are so realistic that Sonichu can’t tell the difference between them and a photograph. Sonichu is about as smart as a tub of cottage cheese, though, so this should come as no surprise to anybody that he can‘t tell the difference.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a 4chan knockoff without pictures of Rosechu and her mighty pickle. The pictures infuriate Rosechu and her HEALTHY WOMAN PARTS, while Sonichu pusses out by puking repeatedly in the background. Once he’s done, there’s some garbage about Rosechu being the centerfold for ‘Poke Boy Magazine’, and since the pictures within can’t prove Rosechu is all woman, she’ll have to go down to 4-cent_garbage HQ herself and prove it in person. She’ll have to do it without her man, too, since he’s too woozy from projectile vomiting for three panels.

The way she decides to prove her womanhood is by stripping down to her underoos and taking pictures of herself in slutty poses. Because that’s what all women do to prove a point: Get naked and bend over things until people believe what we say. This goes on for about 5 or 6 pages, during which I prayed for death and did not receive it. Rosechu takes photos for half an hour before going back to the computer and seeing that about 10 images have been added. So what does she do? Get Bubbles and Angelica to help her, of course.

Mercifully, we never see any of that, as the next shot is of them outside the 4-cent_garbage building. Magi-Chan teleported them there, likely in the hopes that the trolls would eat them, and they’re on their way to meet a mysterious man, Jason. Chris slams what I assume is a random Gillian’s Island reference in an attempt to have us guess Jason’s name, and then Wild spends a whole page textdumping us with his life story, which nobody asked for or ever alluded to beforehand. He then uses Conversion to blend in with the background.

Conversion, which he learned in passing from a Porygon.

A move that only Porygons can use.

A move that doesn’t even let you blend in with shit, but mimics the Type of your opponent’s last move.

Has Chris ever even played a Pokemon game before? Because I stopped giving a shit about the little details years ago and can still remember that Porygons do not blend in with things, and no other Pokemon learns the Conversion skill, much less learning it ‘in passing’. He could have half-assed it with Kecleon’s Color Change, which would have made a hell of a lot more sense, but no. Fucking Chris.

Once inside the building, Rosechu comments that the décor ‘really sets the mood’. In what is probably the only semi-witty retort you’ll ever hear from Sonichu, he tells her that it does set the mood, if you live in a volcano. Zing! In Sonichu, this is what passes for comedy. They then come upon a shirtless, red-skinned devil at his computer. Sonichu decides to ask the guy where to go for their appointment, to which the devil replies that they need to go to the elevator and ride it to floor 66+6, or the 72nd floor, if they want to get technical and/or not sound like a cliché douchecanoe.

Pissed off at the devil’s snappishness, Sonichu bitches and moans while they wait for the elevator. In another moment of forced religious overtones, Rosechu reminds Sonichu of Joseph’s story and of how forgiveness is important. The color drains out of the scene as she does this, and a dove on a cross floats above her. Comforted by her lesson, Sonichu boards the elevator, where both he and Rosechu get attacked by the face-hunting cat. Meanwhile, logic-defying Wild is running around being invisible.

Sonichu and Rosechu, for some reason, stop on every single floor on the way up. Every time the doors open, a random 4chan parody or meme appears, which our idiot heroes don’t understand more often than not. Pedobear makes a few cameos, some pictures of Rosechu and her pickle get drawn, and Chris actually pops out of the timehole to punch a 4-cent_garbage employee in the face for drawing him sucking on the Drinking Straw of Fail. Instead of trying to pull their father-master out, Sonichu and Rosechu just cheer him on, then go up to the next floor. Now that I think about it, Chris says the straw was in a cup he got from a Get-Tar café. Since when did Target get cafés in their stores?

Wild finally manages to get up to the room with the crystal he’s been after this whole time, which is just sitting on a desk acting like a paperweight instead of being in the nearby safe, because villains are idiots. The two crystals Wild has override his nonsensical Conversion, and they also cut off his mental link with Magi-Chan, meaning that the now visible Wild has to get out of the building all by himself. Absorbing the crystal’s power into his arms, we leave him behind and rejoin Sonichu and Rosechu on floor 72. Here, they meet Jason, the eye-within-a-hood random villain from Episode Sixteen and his pet/accomplice, Kathleen. Jason has the most idiotic introduction speech ever. And why is he yelling everything?

“Visitors! Welcome to my heck! I am Jason, a 20-year-old troll who offers only slanderous mockeries!”

The detail! Does it matter how old he is? We already know he’s a troll; he lives in the 4chan knockoff building. And what do trolls do best? Mock people, obviously. Attention to detail is a good thing until it’s attention to irrelevant detail. Sadly, we’re in for much, much more irrelevant detail.

Sonichu and Rosechu nod at each other, then Sonichu launches into a Wall-O-Text in front of an American flag about how Jason is not only slandering Chris when he trolls them, but slandering all of America, the hopes and dreams of every American, love, unity, peace, ideas in general, colors, pickles, tacos, adjective, adverb, blah blah blah. Jason, telling Sonichu what I’m sure we’ve all been thinking, calls him a sap, then delivers the only cool speech you’ll ever see in Sonichu:

“I am a troll with no such beliefs. I know that we are born, then we die. I intend to make the most of my pitiful life by tormenting every person within my grasp until they all die from the shame and distress of their existence. The page will stay up; this meeting is over!”

It’s sad when the person the story wants you to hate is more likable than the entire cast of protagonists.

Sonichu doesn’t take kindly to Jason’s speech, so he attacks him. Jason reflects the attack, then lifts Sonichu with his mighty troll powers and throws him across the room. Rosechu catches him, convincing Sonichu to give up and go home, as there’s no reasoning with Jason and they should forgive him instead. We also get the first of many panty shots from Rosechu as they walk away. On the following page, Chris takes up half the page with a text wall about how Sonichus or Rosechus can hug each other from behind despite having spines there. Again, does anybody seriously care about any of this technical gibberish?

We get a few panels of Wild bouncing around, then it’s back to Sonichu and Rosechu again. Before they can reach the elevator, Jason hits Rosechu in the back of the head with a pickle, which she breaks in half. This makes Rosechu so furious that lava fills her eyes, and she emits fire so strongly, her skirt blows up, showing us her panties a second time. Commanding Sonichu to catch her clothes, Rosechu starts stripping until she’s just in her underoos again. Judging by the irrelevant tag sticking off her bra, either she’s a C cup or her bra has been entered into evidence somewhere. Unfortunately, pages 32-F and 32-G are missing, which is a bit of a let-down, as Rosechu’s Incredible Lioness form could have had potential if this wasn‘t Sonichu.

With a shout of, “I am woman, hear me roar!”, the Incredible Lioness latches on to Jason’s head, smothering him in china. She then claws his head open, bites the wound, and electrocutes him. Dark powers somehow keep him alive, but he seems to have enjoyed a rabid pink beast trying to suffocate him with her pelvis. Rosechu gets her clothes back on and the two finally leave, with Rosechu hoping she never gets that angry again. Wild gets out of the building at the exact same moment they do, and Magi-Chan teleports them back to CWC Ville. In the Mayor’s office, secretart Allison regrets leaving Hollywood for the shitty job she works now while Magi-Chan and Patti supervise the lazy Susan all the Sonichu balls are on. Wild gives his balls their power back, then gives them to Magi-Chan. Patti breaks the fourth wall, speaking directly at the screen and asking her master to come back soon, and the episode proper ends.

Then there’s the epilogue. Rosechu has invited Angelica, Bubbles, and Lolisa to come over and help her put on a striptease for women’s rights. Angelica says their Lord supports their peaceful protest, proving she learned nothing from the nuns that raised her. Bubbles doesn’t seem to care if they make a point or not, she’s just in it for the fun. I think she’s the frat girl of the group or something. She sure acts like it. Rosechu starts up some asinine chant, apparently under the belief that women still can’t vote. We’re then introduced to Simonla Rosechu, a Ground/Bug Type Rosechu with drill-hands Chris stole from somebody else. Then, something darts around the screen, leaving a yellow trail behind it. Turns out, it’s Zapina Rosechu, a half-bug Rosechu who ‘just turned 14-years cute’. For some reason, Chris put Rosechu and Zapina’s heights next to them when they meet, like it matters how tall they are.

Zapina wants to be a model in Rosechu’s striptease, but Rosechu tells her that the ‘dumb laws’ say she’s too young to strip in public. She offers then to use her tail as a spotlight for the show, and Lolisa thinks that’s a great idea. She says she’ll take responsibility for Zapina if anything goes wrong, so Rosechu lets the innocent little girl work lights for her stripperiffic show. Rosechu is more determined than ever to overpower the 4-cent_garbage trolls for women’s rights, and after a fake ad for the Knothole, the episode ends.

Oh god, those issues wer SO BAD.

How the hell can you read that crap?

Booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Also, I am delighted to note that one of the few things CWC is incapable of desecrating is Touhou. Not only due to the necessary means of acquiring a game (import or, more likely, torrent), but the sheer difficulty of the games guarantees he won't get past the first stage.

Daionus pretty much hit the mark. Booze, and lots of it. Having some interludes with decently-written comics between writing updates helps, too.

But speaking of Touhou, I just downloaded a copy of I Wanna Be The Shrine Maiden, a Touhou spin-off of the game that took Nintendo Hard to a new level, I Wanna Be The Guy. I haven't gotten the chance to play it yet, but I'm considering doing a liveblog of it in the near future.

I never got the appeal of Touhou in the first place. Please, enlighten me as to how a series of indie games with a cast consisting entirely of little girls showering each other with bullets garnered such a fanatical following.

But let's not derail the topic, shall we?

Reading the complete Sonichu works aloud over a Brown Note while sacrificing the Sonichu Medallion at a certain shrine will summon CWCthulhu, the physical manifestation of every atrocity Chris has committed.

edited 31st Aug '10 10:42:56 PM by Cysma