Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted. Now you're always happy. On the outside, that is.

I wish I was better at maintaining my garden.

Granted. Your garden now has the best-looking weeds on the block.

I wish the Winter Olympics would come back to the United States.

Granted, but they stay in the US which annoys other countries triggering World War 3.

I wish that this wish would not be corrupted.

Granted. The wish is for a swift kick in the butt.

I wish Reptilis Rex would come back.

Granted, but it suffers from a bad case of reboot-itis.

I wish to not be a loser.

You're not a loser, but only because you never bothered to try anything.

I wish Whoppers (the malt-flavored candy) tasted more like Whoppers (the Burger King hamburger).

Granted, but now everyone fucking hates you.

I wish I didn’t have such rampant body-image issues.

Granted, but as it turned out those body-image issues were for a good reason. You die six months later from a heart attack triggered by your obesity.

I wish for an infinite bottle of pills that would give anyone who consumes a pill perfect health.

Granted, the gravity from the infinitely massive bottle causes the universe to collapse into a black hole killing everyone in the universe.

I wish that I had every beneficial superpower ever.

Granted, but you can't control any of it. Have fun with super strength without any control, just don't try hugging someone you love.

I wish iHop never changed to iHob

edited 15th Jun '18 12:26:32 PM by Jaxfirebus

Granted. They change to uHob.

I wish my cow was full of milk.

All the milk overfills the cow so as to bleed out of it along with its intestines, leaving a horrid-looking mess behind.

I wish I was able to travel freely all over the world with no financial, security-related or other concerns.

You distance yourself from your friends and family as the obligations and lists of interesting places to visit piles up. You have no acquaintances and everywhere you go you feel drained. You desperately chase contention, awareness, actual happiness but all you find is fleeting pleasure that leaves you wracked with sadness the second it deserts you. You become jaded and angry and begin to deliberately place yourself in danger at the corners of the world, vacationing in the most deranged and crime-ridden cities possible, and it begins to rub off on you as your mind slowly collapses in on itself like a house with the foundations washed away. You become a Brazilian crime lord and die in a slovenly apartment in Cambodia, surrounded by the filth collected and housed there by your hoarding, deteriorating mind, Alzheimer’s and dementia conspiring to bring you to your knees. Alone.

I wish I could just take a nap. Please. I beg of you.

edited 18th Jun '18 6:10:16 AM by atiredonnie

Granted. You pull a Rip Van Winkle and wake up from your "nap" in a century.

I wish my sinuses didn't get clogged so easily.

Granted, you now have a dogs nose. The entire muzzle.

I wish I had more energy in the morning.

Granted. But no you have no energy at any other time in the day.

I wish for a pet cat.

Granted, You are given a wild panther as a pet. (There technically cats.)

I wish i could transform into a cat whenever i want.

Granted, but transforming into a cat is horrifyingly painful, so you prefer to stay human most of the time.

I wish that the person below me is transformed into a half-human, half-cat creature against their will. Mwahaha!

Granted, but i immediately claw your face clean off.

I wish for a turkey sandwich.

And your big mistake there is not wishing for a fresh turkey sandwich. Yours has been lying in the sun for a full week, with the expected horrible results following.

I wish it wasn't so hot.

edited 18th Jun '18 2:46:43 PM by atimnie

Granted. Unfortunately, the genie was unsure which meaning of hot you meant so you are now frozen solid and also incredibly unattractive.

I wish I had the ability to see into the future.

Granted. You know see the future so you're blind in the present and the future you see is completely random and useless to you. You usually just see the future of random particles in deep space.

I wish that I had more wishes.

Granted. Your additional wishes are only usable to wish for more wishes. This applies to all wishes you may accumulate after this wish, regardless of their origin.

I wish I always went to the toilet when my body tells me to.

Granted. Additionally, your body literally tells you to go to the bathroom, resulting in a literal case of Talking Out of Your Ass.

I wish for the ability to access an alternate universe, sleep a full 8 hours, and return to this universe after precisely one second has passed.

Granted, but that universe has wildly fluctuating temperatures (ranging from antarctic to volcanic), gravity several times higher than earth's, and is a vast white space.

I wish for perfect health.