This topic reminds me of the the best wiki page ever created.
edited 30th Aug '09 9:54:44 PM by Wicked223
You can't even write racist abuse in excrement on somebody's car without the politically correct brigade jumping down your throat!
vigilantly taxonomish
Embrace the mindscrew
That page did not induce tears. FAIL.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
DUMB
This paragraph is long. The accordion is expanding. This book must be one of the Discordian Accordions spoken of in the Principia.
So. The as-yet unnamed superhero does normal getting ready things. Washes his face (seeing his old face in the mirror, remember that he is three score and zero), brushes his hair. Retirement is only a few years away. He also remembers "a certain hypodermic needle", and this one time in band camp in Catskills with his first wife, a chick named Sandra. Back when they had clean air up there. See these Berserker nanite robots came down and well, it's a long story. But Nameless never stopped morning Sandra. Aw.
"Bombing and homicide. What a meshuganah world." There goes all my sympathy for the guy, he's part of the conspiracy that rules the world! How the hell am I supposed to feel sympathy for a Jew, Shea and/or Wilson?! Clearly they haven't been thinking this through. Well, maybe he'll do something awesome though, like when he's fighting Vodin of the Red Five he'll order all the water in whatever city this is (superheroes are always in cities) shut down. Because Vodin is the Man of Water, of course.
Apparently, at some point you could drive around New York City (probably) at 3 AM and there wouldn't be traffic jams. Now I haven't been there in a while, but this is stretching my Suspension of Disbelief.
Trucks that were banned in the daytime make all their deliveries now - oh, right, this is a bit after 2:30 AM, it escaped me.
"Everybody was supposed to pretend the pollution went away before dawn." This could mean any number of things. Perhaps the nanites are solar-powered, and at night they can't spew more bile, so the forces of nature sweep the pollution to less fortunate places, like South Dakota? Who knows. I guess I'll have to keep reading to solve this mystery.
He remembers his Grandfather, another Yiddisher Yid Yiddinator Jew, a wise fellow who's probably dead or 120, who told him that they were doing it to the Indians and now they're doing it to themselves. The fuck is this shit? A Green Aesop? What happened to this explosion business?! I wanna see a damned superhero fight! Ugh.
Anyway, "he" is apparently named "Saul", unless Gramps is having been lied. The First King of Israel. So I guess he heads the Conspiracy Of Jews What Run The World (COJWRTW, it's pronounceable in Hebrew). And he's a superhero? What a weird book.
Gramps seemed like a cynical old man to Saul, and now Saul seems like a cynical old man to others. "Is there any pattern or sense in any of it?" Yes, you jackass, old Jewish men are always cynical! Someone's not up to date on their stereotypes. How embarrassing.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
Discordian AccordionsI see what you did there. What you did there. I see it.
edited 31st Aug '09 9:07:34 AM by Zudak
Goddess damn, this is entertaining. Need to pick up my copy again, I think.
Ewige blumenkraft!
the dice are loaded, the deck is stacked, the game itself will hold you back
DUMB
, finally realizing the true nature of his existence, Hagbard then
—[//URB-LOC-C44
/ovrw44.002543.a:
*443353.4444444.444444.444
————— —-s]— ]—
thrombus]] ]]
The scene of the explosion is a gingerbread house, built in the Gothic style. You know what I mean, lots of arches, buttresses (lol butts lol), turret emplacements, that sort of thing. Like Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum. Everybody's seen that film, yeah? Except that it exploded. Hence "bombing". Now let's get to the "homicide".
Oh, but this is only the lobby. No explosion here. After being hit with a mysterious smell, Saul is told by a patrolman (bless our troops) that the explosion took out the seventeenth * floor and a bit of the eighteenth. Now, let's be neutral here, "eighteenth" could refer to anything. Window? Ceiling? Localized wormhole? We'll have to keep reading to find out.
The smell is caused by the fact that every fish tank in the first floor pet store broke, killing all the fish. Why is there a pet store in an office building, which by the way is what this building is? Who knows. Maybe John Galt, no doubt the president of this little operation, eats raw kittens for breakfast.
"Barney Muldoon, an old friend with the look and mannerisms of a Hollywood cop," comes out of the shadows using his shadowmancy. He's head of the bomb squad. Trivia: If you've ever played Half Life 2, you know that the Combine are named after the Combine. What you may not know is that Mr. Muldoon is Barney the Security Guard's namesake. Be sure to add that to the Wikipedia article. I am nothing if not a reliable source.
'"Your baby, Barney?" I asked casually.' I have no idea what this means. Maybe he meant "causally".
Oh, what is this? What a rip. Apparently Saul the Superhero only got called in because some moron saw a mannequin burning on the 18th floor (we still don't know if it was destroyed or what, remember), thought it was an immolating corpse, and called in the Homicide Squad. Dick. That's his name, see. Philip K. Dick.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
(weaving)
DUMB
Are you implying that I'm lying about being a liar? Now that's just ridiculous. You know me; would I lie to you?
"(Wait: George Dorn is screaming....)"
Looks like Barney Muldoon is narrating now. Saul's face is inscrutable, as the poker players know. It's also Talmudic, which from what I understand means that it prevents you from eating unleavened bread on certain days. I wonder how that works? Maybe Saul has some form of mind control? More research is required.
Barney also knows about Rebecca, and if he were Saul (which he was just a minute ago, in a way, metaphorically, metafictionally) he'd certainly want to get back to her.
Oh - and Barney can look down on Saul, so evidently he's short. Saul I mean. Wouldn't make much sense for it to be the other way around, ha, unless they had some kind of complex mirror setup. But why would they have that in an office building? Perhaps John Galt is short? That puts an interesting spin on things!
To keep Saul from leaving after the revelation of the uselessness of the call, he says: "There might be something in it for you, though." Crack?!
Saul, being an old and I guess somewhat cliché police officer, merely fills his pipe and says "Oh?". Now I'm imagining a sixty-year old police officer superhero blowing bubbles out of his pipe. Oh? Bubble bubble bubble.
Hm. Somebody is missing. He's been missing for three days, this person Barney tells Saul about. What... what does that have to do with anything, Barney...? Oh, time travel, duh.
Well, the place that got bombed was a magazine called Confrontation. Left-wing outfit. Did you know that Lord Omar wrote for something like that? It was called Factsheet Five
, and I suppose that it was actually kind of meta, but anyway his column was titled "Possibly Subversive Flower Arrangements". Like the Five Point Palm Exploding Lotus Technique. You know. Like that. So Confrontation is a martial arts leftist rag.
The editor of this magazine, one Joseph Malik, disappeared three days ago. So why did you tell us about time travel then?! This makes no f'in sense. Anyway, this is Saul's problem, because apparently in nineteenth-century Europe it's uncommon to drop out of sight and then have your office bombed. I had no idea. Oh, minor detail: Malik has some dogs in a no-pets apartment and his neighbors are complaining, that's why his landlord tried and failed to get in contact with him. "Malik", see? He's running a dogfight organization, mark my words. Bastard. At least he had the decency to get a Meaningful Name.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
(weaving)
You know me; would I lie to you? 
Hexachordal Combinatorial
Yes, Tzetze lies, though he is very good at denying it.
Ecstasy is Sustained Intensity
Tzetze, what the fuck.
ʇı pɐǝɹ ı uǝɥʍ lɐǝɹɹns sıɥʇ ʇ,usɐʍ ʞooq ǝɥʇ
DUMB
I need to get through this faster if I want to finish by the end of the b'ak'tun.
So according to Barney - or "the patrolman" now, mind switch? - the most worrying thing here (if you ask him) is the Egyptian mouth-breeders.
"The what?"
See, if you don't collect fish people do that? then you wouldn't know, but the pet store mentioned earlier had a ton of rare tropical fish. Which are now all dead. It's pretty hard to get the E m-b nowadays, what with the tariff, and now they're all dead. Maybe they were secretly sapient and Howard wanted them to die. Less competition.
"Mouth-breeder?" Wait, no, "the patrolman" is a nother guy, 'cause Barney said that. Oh well. They're called that because they keep their young in their mouths just after birth. Will nature's wonders never cease?
Muldoon thinks that it's inspiring that they have so many college graduates on the force these days. He's right of course, 'else they'd be fucked when the Egyptian mouth-breeders rose up.
A detective named Dan Pricefixer (I refuse to believe that this is a real name) comes out of the elevator with a metal box, full of uranium. "I think this is important, Barney." Well no shit.
The box in question had been blown partly open, and he looked inside. It was full of interoffice memos about bishop-tits. And/or stranger things. Written on uranium leaf.
As they decide where to sit down and read them, the patrolman reiterates the value of Egyptian mouth-breeders. Clearly they've gotten to him.
"It's rough for all nationalities, man or fish," Barney says, apparently copying Saul's speech patterns. I guess. Saul hasn't mentioned fish at all so I'm not sure. I don't think the E m-b have gotten to them. Anyway, they go off, leaving the patrolman distressed.
His name is James Patrick Hennessy and he's been on the Force three years. He doesn't come back into this story at all. He had a five-year-old retarded son whom he loved helplessly; you see a thousand faces like his on the street every day and never guess how well thy are carrying their tragedies... and George Dorn, who once wanted to shoot him, is still screaming...This signifies that I will like this book.
The rest are in the cafeteria now. They've gone from Emo Gothic to the plastic of cafeterias. The transition was "trippy" due to the LSD sprinklers.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
Oh hey, I just realised where we see a glimpse of Hennessey later; George Dorn is having a flashback when he had to initiate himself into Morituri, and the ritual included shooting a random cop, but when he was taking aim, he had a sudden vision of the cop's retarded son, and just backed off.
DUMB
You can't tell me about the future, Jethro. That's spoilers and spoilers are evil. Eeeeevil.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
(weaving)
rrrrrrrrr
Just tell us when you get to the giant golden apple.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Embrace the mindscrew
Uh Huh. Interesting.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
:eztezT@ It's not much of a spoiler, and what I told you had little plot significance.
(weaving)
Does this book even have a plot?
SHIKI is dead.
DUMB
Some stuff about hair. It's alive. Unimportant.
They look over the memos.
ILLUMINATI PROJECT: MEMO #1
J.M.: Now, this is from Violence, Jacques Ellul (Seabury Press, New York, 1969). The "Illuminated Ones" were founded by Joachim of Floris in the 11th century, and equality, but later under the leadership of Fra Dolcino in the 15th century they became violent, plundered the rich and announced the imminent reign of the spirit. Former day Jehovah's Witnesses, then. In 1507 they were vanquished by the Bishop of Vercueil.
P.S. According to the National Review, William Buckley and "his cronies" believe Joachim responsible for libertarianism, socialism, and communism. Waffler. Anyway, they're angry 'cuz he's trying to immanentize the Eschaton, which happens this year remember. That's continuity, dawg. Oh, and there's some Aquinas involved. I don't remember if I like him or not; is he the Just War guy?
ILLUMINATI PROJECT: MEMO #2
J.M.: As far as I can tell, the next source, A History of Secret Societies by Akron Daraul, does not exist. Akron Daraul does have some presence in MySpace Music, however.
This guy sez that the Illuminati actually originated in the Ishmaelian sect of Islam (still in the 1000s), also known as the Order of Assassins. They were vanquished in the 13th century, came back peacefuller, and survived as the Ismaili.
Buuuut in the sixteenth century, in Afghanistan (boy do a lot of insurgents get their start in that hellhole) the Illuminated Ones, or Roshinaya, decided that they were gonna kick it old skool and so went back to the older, deadlier tactics. Then they got wiped out by an alliance of the Moguls and Persians. Hm. Neither of them have much influence today. Coincidence?!
"The beginning of the seventeenth century saw the foundation of the Illuminated Ones of Spain—the Allumbrados, condemned by an edict of the Grand Inquisition in 1623. In 1654, the 'illuminated' Guerinets cane into public notice in France." They're like the bastards that won't die.
More interestingly it seems, the Bavarian Illuminati was founded on May Day 1776 in Ingolstadt, Bavaria, by Adam Weishaupt, an ex-Jesuit. Weird, I thought that you didn't so much "quit" the Jesuits as "get tortured to death by" the Jesuits. Maybe I'm thinking of some other Jesuits. They were surpressed by the Bavarian Gov'men in 1785. Any similarities to Central Asian are purely coincidental. The Illuminati do not exist today.
"This is beginning to look big. Why are we keeping the details from George? —Pat" Oh, you know, no reason.
ILLUMINATI PROJECT: MEMO #3
J.M.:Bla bla bla boring encyclopedia entry, although it mentions contact with the Masons. Presumably for contract work. And again with the "banned in 1785".
Saul thinks that J.M. is Joseph Malik. Gee, ya think? Too bad about being evil and bombing his bud, though.
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
I thought the events around the memos were the weakest part of the book, but the memos are great, they are partially based on real conspiracy nut mail the two writers recieved when they worked for playboy.
Embrace the mindscrew
Understanding Illuminatus through Tzetze is like trying to understand a Miro through a colored fisheye kaleidoscope while high.
edited 2nd Sep '09 11:38:16 AM by Zyxzy
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
It's a good thing that I don't require such trivialities, then.I bow in supplication to Solstace's infinitely superior reply.
edited 30th Aug '09 9:48:59 PM by Tzetze
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.