Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

^Really? I find the reverse to be more true. Though Dark Yagami's funny moments surpass My Immortal's.

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!

Kris: I think so too, but I was worried about mentioning it because what if Slowzombie just went "Hey, you're right, I shouldn't let myself get worked up over it?" Then where would we be.

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Having read the most recently posted chapter, it must be. I still kind of hope it's not though.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

Hehe, you'd be left without a narrator, and forced to read this mess and snark all by yourself, and that'd be horrible. But you know what, I really don't care if it's a Troll Fic or not. Sure, I think it actually is a honest attempt at writing a fic, however poor it might be, but I won't lie, I've had moments of either clarity or delusion, depending on your viewpoint, where I've wondered if the author is just consciously yanking our collective chains. Well, as I mentioned, it's personal now, so I'll snark as long as there's fic.

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It seems less precisely planned than My Immortal. I still think it's more likely to be real than MI.

I'm cranking up on the update frequency, mostly because I'm keen on finishing the chapters that are currently up before New Years, but also because I have a lot of free time nowadays, and also this is great writers block repellant.

Well, this chapter is called "Matsuda sees some stuff!" Gee, with such a fantastic fascinating title, I just don't know how I could not read this chapter. Oh well, the author notes: Matsuda is japanish and i aint mentioned him yet so here you GOOOOOOOOO! Oh, so Matsuda is all of a sudden Japanese? How do you suppose all of this could even work with the Death Note storyline? Of course, nothing else does, so I guess it's not worse than the rest. That's bad enough, though.

Anyway, our story begins in Tokyo, and the author helpfully chimes in with (its the big city of japan!) Ehm, yeah. Ok, fair enough, it is a big city in Japan, it's not wrong, it's just... yeah. Anyway, it turns out the whole of Japan is terrified because Dark's previous statement... just read it (he was accidentally TV at the time all over japan like lind taylor was the show) Ehm... ok, that'd be nice to mention when it actually happened, it'd also be nice if it happened to make any semblance of sense. Also, the grammar is starting to hurt, but at least I can understand what it's meant to say.

Well, Dark is now killing dudes. Not evil dudes, which I guess is slightly more morally ambiguous, and that's something. Well, Matsuda is not liking the situation: “OH NOO!” he giggled. “DARK IS GOOING TO KIIILLLLLL UUUUUSSSSS!” Wait, giggled? I'm getting a mental whiplash from trying to imagine how that's supposed to work. Of course, I can actually see a scene where a scared character giggling actually makes sense, but this isn't it. Well, his fears are justified, of course, since Dark teleports to Japan via Teleport Note, and apparently Matsuda sees this. So far, seeing is pretty much the only thing Matsuda has done, so I guess the chapter title is accurate.

What follows... ehm, I'm just not sure. Dead dudes where everywhere and dark had to kick them outta the way to get to the police bus thing so he could ram into the building without dying for some reason (AN: i didnt get that bit lol! Y did the dudes all die except soichiro? PLEASE TELL ME!) Ok... wait, stop, just... stop. So Dark copied Soichiro's strategy from the whole Second Kira situation, despite there being no actual reason for him to do so, even less a situation where it'd be necessary? Is Sayu!Shinigami out for blood, or did the author just feel like doing that stunt? I'm guessing we'll never know.

So, Dark crashes the buss into the wall. I'm guessing the wall of the police station, because it's the last location mentioned, but I fail to see why he did so, because immediately afterwards Dark goes to the "TV place," wow, this thing is steadily getting more incoherent. Dark goes to this place to broadcast a very important message. I will writ ‘EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT DRAK’ IN MY ROYAL DEATH NOTE UNLESS THE QUEEN OF THE SHINIGAMI CHALLENGE ME TO A DUAL!” So now he's threatening with omnicide and apparently gets his own name wrong. Classy.

Back in the Shinigami world, Sayu is now called Sa~Y'u. How in the world is that supposed to be pronounced? Is the ~ supposed to mean jazz hands or something? Well, Sayu Sa~y'u isn't going to let Dark have his way. “I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT HIM OR MY NAME ISNT SAYU YAGAMI WHICH ITS NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE NOW ITS sA~y’U ANIME AFTER I MARRED MISA IN MASACHEWSETS” Ok, what's with these "I will have to do X or my name isn't Y, except it isn't"-things. Is that supposed to be a joke? Am I supposed to feel amused? Well, I assure you I am not. Also, is the constant misspelling of Misa's last name supposed to be a result of Rouge Angles of Satin, or is there something more insidious at work here?

So, Sayu teleports herself to Tokyo, and Matsuda is yet again there to observe her doing so. Honestly, this could be cool if you saw it from Matsuda's viewpoint, or something like that, but come on, you're not doing anything with this Matsuda character, so why even include him? Well, Sayu gets naked for battle... You know what? I was going to continue with what actually happened, but a rant is forcing it's way out of my brainthingie, so I guess I got to ask: Why the flying fuck is Sayu getting naked for battle? What possible benefit can it have? except to allow the author to fantasize about naked Death Note characters, that is.

Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, Matsuda does see Sayu get naked. I'm sure glad the author found it in his heart to tell us this. Well, Dark jumps from the TV studio to ground level, but apparently he wrote his own name in the Life Note, so he survived. Hm, so the life note can also prevent death, hm, I'd be interested if I didn't hate the concept. Speaking of hating the concept, Dark delivers this gem: “TIME FOR THAT SHINIGAMI FIGHT I THOGHT WAS DUM EARLYER!” But... it's still stupid. If anything, the rapid decay of writing quality have made the idea stupider than it was back then. Oh, and it's also interesting how Dark, the Marty Stu nightmare, seems to refer to himself as if he was the author of this sorry mess. My suspicions are confirmed one by one.

So, the two fight. Sayu is loosing, but makes herself a better fighter with the Everything Note. Why she doesn't just make Dark's head explode with said Everything Note? I don't know. What I know, though, is that it takes two rounds of the aforementioned Everything Note buffing for her to be able to get the upper hand on Dark. How Dark became so awesome at whupping ass barehanded? Well, the same way he learned to kill ten people with one bullet, of course.

It seems that we find ourselves in a Kaiju-style battle, despite nothing actually implying Dark growing in size, because the collateral damage seems rather awe-inspiring. Matsudas car gets squashed, and for some reason, Sayu feels sorry for him. I'm hoping the fic's going somewhere with this. Well, it goes somewhere... I guess, as Matsuda gets a big police gun. He turned it to the biggest setting and a cop car jumped out and hit dark and explde. You know what, I'm not even going to contemplate what the Ry'leh that's supposed to mean, although I can see how it could make sense, somehow.

Anyway, Matsuda manages to... invoke the Chunky Salsa Rule on Dark with his "big police gun"? Well, you know what, that's actually good news. Ding dong the Dark is dead Sayu's reaction to this? “THANK YOU SAN MATSUDA (AN: japanish for saint matusda like francisco!) I WILL MAEK YOU MY WIF!” I'd comment on how Sayu, contrary to previous belief, is bisexual rather than lesbian, but that'd imply that I actually expected this fic to get even its own mangled characters straight.

It's worth it though, because Dark is... Sneaking away during all the confusion and steals the Everything Note. Ehm, so, did the author allow Dark to use the highly flawed and confusing prose of the fic to sneak away under? Are we approaching some meta-nightmare like House Of Leaves? Except it sucks, and House Of Leaves... well, doesn't. Anyway, Dark uses the Everything Note to become the Shinigami King again. Yay.

I'm contemplating just how much I need to rant about the story going in huge circles made out of fail, but it's rather pointless to highlight it any further. Blud materializes and notes that Dark has learned well. In fact, he has “LEARNED WELL LIKE A FOX WHO WENT TO SCHOL AND DID WELL AND THEN WENT TO COLLEGE” ... right. Just to make it better, Dark reacts like so, he did an awesome stand like fenicks right. Fenicks Right? Does he mean Phoenix Wright? Probably. Well, Blud tells him that Dark can't become king because Blud is. Of course, Dark won't have any of that, and Blud tells him that this means consequences. While ascending to heaven/wherever, Blud thanks L, who now states that he has to kill L.

The author takes us home with the following:REMEMBER GOD TOLD L TO KILL LIGHT. TURNS OUT...... HE WAS RIGHT. MORE NECKS TIME! I can just assure you that I can't wait.

edited 9th Dec '09 2:17:25 AM by slowzombie

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...The spotlight's on Matsuda now. Giggled?

And the police gun, well, Rule of Cool.

Unless it's Goggle Fox, I don't get it.

---

You're doing a fine job at this, Slowzombie.

You're looking for this person.

Nice job! You forgot the best part of the quote, though!: "“YOU HAVE LEANED WELL FROM ME!” he whispered like moldy bread. “LEARNED WELL LIKE A FOX WHO WENT TO SCHOL AND DID WELL AND THEN WENT TO COLLEGE”"

"I like them to talk nonsense. That's man's one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to truth! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes- and very likely a hundred and fourteen." - Razumikhin, Crime and Punishment

It's time to spend another little session in the dark with Dark. At this point, I'd rather spend a session [Uwe Boll Alone in the Dark]], if nothing else because it'd be over sooner. But hey. This chapter is titled "WHEN IT ALL CHANGES!" and our good friend the capslock returns, hiya capslock, how's the wife and children? Well, change isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I suspect, in this case, it just might be. No authors note, well, that's... oddly ominous, actually.

Light was skipping in the park. Then a snipe happened and now he dead. And that, my friends, is how you defuse a cliffhanger and makes it pointless. L seems... well, not at all bothered by killing his lover, or ex-lover. Sure, God told him to, but just a little drop of angst? Or is that whole homosexual L/Light thing functionally nonexistent now that Blud seems to have taken up the mantle of villain? I should stop trying to figure this stuff out. Anyway, Watari is with him, and he's as obnoxiously British as ever. Great. Anyway, the two go home to celebrate, but all is not well: But then L found a lif3e note and accidently writ Light in it.

COME ON! That's not a plot element, that's just pure idiocy. Granted, if you actually were smart about this, like playing it for laughs and the character who did this was a complete and utter moron, not say... well, the smartest man in america  ^*

. Honestly, it strikes me that my steadily increasing rages over the atrociously poor writing this fic displays every couple of paragraphs might start to feel old, but you know what? It's the only thing I can do. Every chapter, it's some new form of insanity, and it's always worse than the last time the author needed to move the plot, or create some plot, as the case is this time.

Let's just move on. Light finds himself in the park, not really knowing what's going on. He is, however, keen on revenge to... well, whoever killed him. He goes home to plan his revenge. He sniffed some flours and then ran to his evil base to plan. Here he had computers and lasers and a nuclear and an xbox 360. He put the pencil in the door and the bag of gas in his desk to double stop being seeing. Ehm, ok then, I'm not sure what the xbox has to do with anything, and bag of gas? Honestly, anyone want to help me with what the flying fuck that's supposed to mean?

Well, enough about that. Light comes up with a plan that apparently is so fantastic that absolutely no-one will be able to see it coming. His plan? To kill L, who he for some reason now knows killed him... right. "But slowzombie," you might say, "L's dead, how is the author going to handle that?" To that, I can do nothing but shake my head and refer to this sentence. I know L would be dead but imagine he isn’t except then thered be be no reason to work it out so i don’t know he came back with a time machine to guess how i dead i dunno its not my story. It is but i don’t care. Just... what? L isn't dead/a ghost now? And the author doesn't care about the continuity and storyline of his own story? Well that last part came totally out of left field. I think that's what the author is trying to say, but it sure isn't easy to say for sure.

The story then moves to Tomorrow. Right, well, the timeline of this thing is rapidly spinning out of control, so why the hell not. It turns out Light's genius plan is... throwing a knife at L. Ehm, ok, I guess it'll do as long as it works, right? Of course, it doesn't work, and L swears revenge or my name isn't L which, at this point, Light points out that it is not. Again with that. Oh well. Let's not dwell on that, because the narrative jumps again, to Heaven if that is heaven today or heaven tomorrow, we might never know. ark was making hell in heaven (GET IT! IM QUIET PROUD OF THAT ONE!) Gah. It strikes me that this is more of an order than an actual question... which makes it all that much worse, because I fail to see how there's anything to "get" here.

So, Dark runs around in heaven, lighting stuff on fire, punching dead people, and god can't stop him because Dark is the king of the Shinigami. Yes. You read that right. Dark is now more powerful than God. Of course this 'verses god was successfully intimidated by a guy with a knife, so that might not say much, but still. Then, Dark takes the highway to hell. And yes, that includes a (GET IT) just to close the deal. The highway to hell apparently ends up next to L's house, because Dark comes crashing out through the front gates. For some reason or other, Watari is dressed like a duck. That's actually a pretty entertaining mental image, but I'm hesitant to award any points for it.

Just as you thought this fic was as batshit insane as it could be, Light appears, and through an exchange so... well, I'm not going to quote it, but it ends with the two killing each other. Dark has this to say about it all. “I TRICKED YOU INTO KILLING EACH OTHER! I AM THE BEST EVIL DUDE EVER AND SUTLE AND ALSO A MAGNIFICENT BASTARD! (TAKE THAT TVTROPES!!!!!!)” Ok. I'm not following. How did he manipulate them in any way? This guy is about as much of a Magnificent Bastard as I'm a Casanova, also, as far as TakeThats go, that was pretty lame. What was that? "Oh hey, I used a term from your website. Take that!" Oh, and to make it all that much better, L and Light agrees before they died on the floor screaming in blood.

Also, in closing, the author notes that he doesn't know what'll happen next in the story yet. Apparently ending it is out of the question, but hey, maybe the next chapter will be better. I guess that's technically possible.

edited 10th Dec '09 6:37:13 AM by slowzombie

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I think the "bag of gas" refers to the petrol Light puts in his desk which will explode if anyone tries to find his Death Note (in a rather flagrant violation of Chekhov's Gun).

More importantly, though, I think you really have to know the latest chapter's author note:

SO I WAS GOOGLING MYSELF AND FOUN SOME SLOW ZOMBIE DUDE FROM THE TVTROPES WRITTING A BLOG ABOUT MY STORY! I NO YOU ARE BLIND DUDE WHICH IS A BUMMER BUT THAT’S STILL AWESOM!

Hey, that's half the fun. (The other half, of course, is that reading this liveblog is like being Perseus fighting Medusa, which makes you the shield of Athena, but with extra snark)

I think this is supposed to refer to that contraption that he used to protect the note, that would set it on fire if someone besides him opened it. In other words, he has the pencil in the door and the mechanism to incinerate the note—two ways to make sure no one finds out, hence "double stop being seeing". But that is pretty much the worst way to say that.

But, man, that Dark Yagami sure is a Magnificent Bastard. And he gave us the greatest Take That! of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Schrodinger'd: Wow. The fourth wall, it is breached! (The author's note continues: NOT LIKE NOT TEXTING ME BACK. YOU NO WHO YOU ARE. AND THAT PERSON WHO YOU ARE IS CHRISTIE.)

edited 10th Dec '09 6:55:33 AM by Haven

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Hm, he doesn't seem too bothered about it, despite the whole "not getting the concept of a blind run"-thing. I mean, am I not mean enough? Is it not obvious enough that I find this to be one of the worst things I've ever read, or is there just a bit too much tropespeak for it to be comprehensible to non-tropers?

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I think this fic is mostly just stream-of-consciousness.

One possibility is that it's a trollfic being written by a troper. (Just for the record, I didn't do it.) Another is just that the author isn't paying much attention and is an idiot.

Indeed it cracks me up.

Best snarking.

INT is knowing a tomato is a fruit. WIS is knowing it doesn't belong in a fruit salad. CHA is convincing people that it does.

You got us, Dark!

...this fic, just wow.

This sounds like something out of a wrong, wrong children's book.

Keep up the good work!

edited 10th Dec '09 9:19:58 AM by OuttaTheBLAM

You're looking for this person.

That quote sealed it for me: this is a trollfic.

SHIKI is dead.

Right. Our friend, the author, is cranking up the update schedule, so I guess I will too. This chapter is called "ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY WOOOO 0!" I'd keep the celebration in the author's notes, but eh. Speaking of which: Summer vaccination is over now ;_; apparently there’s a dude called ckira who is a kira but old or something? LETS LEARN HIS STORY! OMG THIS FIC IS ONE YEAR OLD AND FAMOUS WHICH MAKES IT LIKE A PROPER STORY. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES WHOS THE MAN ME!

"apparently there's a dude called ckira" Ehm... what? Is that supposed to be a canon character? Or is there yet another insane OC to make this mess even more of... well, a mess? I'm guessing for the second one, but your guess is as good as mine, dear reader. Anyway. Our story begins with this ckira, just how you pronounce his name is beyond me, waking up and going through his morning routine. A part of this is to have a shave cos he was old and had a beard except he shaved it. Wow, that sentence went nowhere boldly. He looked at the poster on his wall which was a girl and naked except for a underwear and sexy and then said “I need to kill some dudes today” and taked out his death note. His newspaper wasn’t working so he dint know who the evil dudes were! Again with the non-nude nudes, well, at least the except makes it... somewhat better. Also, non-functioning newspaper? Yeah, I've had that problem too, phoning the newspaper repairman is such a pain.

So, with a busted newspaper, what is this elderly Death Note killer to do? He gets dressed up for winter and goes to ask someone for people to kill. On the way there, he kills a guy in his car, and apparently he kills him so hard that both the guy and the car explodes. How he knew the guy's face and name? At this point, do you think even the author cares all that much? Anyway Ckira is getting jittery, so he moves on. Oh, but he misses the bus. Will this day of tribulation ever end? No worries though, because he... uses his death note to make another buss come his way, dooming one unlucky and, one assumes, innocent buss driver to death for his own convenience. Wow, I'm starting to hate this guy already, and yet again, it's not in the "your perfect villainy makes me hate you"-way either. Oh, and just for a little more nonsense: Next to him was the girl from the bus and she was a spy for L but noone knew it not even L. The girl from the bus? Would it kill you to give her a name? A spy not even her employer don't know about? Now that's just silly, not FLCL silly, just silly.

Well, the two talk, and Ckira accidentally lets it slip that he kills people with a death note. Honestly, this guy sucks, just plain sucks. It's a wonder the local police haven't picked him up and chucked him in the loony bin already, he's about as subtle as a two-by-four. If he's supposed to be a villain, he's not a very convincing one, but if he's supposed to be a hero-esque thing... well, he's one Moral Event Horizon down already. Anyway, the girl from the bus calls L with her "Magical phone" and lays down her evidence, including Ckira having a death note and dancing around the burnt-out wreck of a car of a Death Note victim. L's reaction: “It could be a coinsidense.” L said back munching on pixy sticks. “these things happen all the time.” Was this guy the smartest guy in America or not? It's fairly obvious. Not that it matters much, Ckira gets off the buss, and it explodes due to the Death Note useage. Does this guy own an Explosion Note, or what?

Oh, and Ckira kills a dude for his hat... why haven't this guy been caught already? Well, eventually he finds the shop that the cops ran... right. Our nameless friend from chapter four, the Desk Lady, greets him inside. Or rather, the author think it might be her, in his own words I think I don’t remember lol! Moving on before the sheer moronity sinks in, Ckira asks to get the names of some "evil dudes," and the "Ckira should be caught this many times" count goes *ding*. After some discussion, he gets a list of people who are evil. Whaddya know, the police files sort by alignment, how convenient.

And then... just read it: He pulled out his death note but put his finger over the word death so noone would know. He writ a dudes name down and he died in the jail in front of them. *ding* Somehow, the desk lady reacts to this, and so does... a cop with an afro, I'm guessing Shuichi. Either they are telepathic, or the police station in question have one of the most laughably counterintuitive layout I've ever seen. How does Ckira get out of this one, you might ask: That had nothing to do with me” said ckira and they believed him because he was a good liar and he threated to death note them if they dint. *ding, ding, motherfucking DING*. So, he says he didn't do it, suspicious all by itself, and then divulges the information that confirms that he is one of the few people who has the means to do it... I fail to imagine the lawyer who could get him out of a case like this with a "Not Guilty"-verdict . Except Manfred Von Karma, that is.

Well, they apparently let him go without further questioning, proving once again that everyone in the Dark Yagami 'verse is infected with a terminal case of The Stupid. We then cut to our intrepid heroine, the desk lady, who is minding her own business while walking home until a girl on fire jumped out and scarred her! Yeah, that's splendid. Turns out it's the girl from the buss, who apparently have been burning for quite a while. That doesn't stop her from... getting naked? I dunno, I'll just accept it and move on. The two talk and now, we might finally find out what their names are. I'm positively giddy with excitement. “I am the girl from the bus!” Yeah, no, let's just forget it, let's move on.

“I know that ckira dude is kira” the girl from the bus screamed as they started to sex. Ehm, ok, that made sense. Also, *ding*. So, while in the middle of the sweet throes of sex, the two discuss the fact that L doesn't seem to believe the girl from the buss, despite her having more than enough evidence. And what follows sounds more like a lolcat caption of some sort. “L has dead!” desk lady screamed as they stopped to sex. “Then who did I phone?????” It could be worse, she could have gone "THEN WHO WAS PHONE," except that would be... kind of funny.

An evil dude was holding a phone. He was lissening to desk lady and the girl from the bus sexing and was real happy for them and let them finish (GET IT????) Nothing... to... get! The evil dude's identity is shortly revealed, though, as he speaks in the most obnoxiously over-British manner you could possibly imagine. Gee, I wonder who this could be. Well, what follows is... well, the author confusing himself with his main character yet again. It's sort of a mess, but basically, it states that the "mystery dude," who proclaims himself the new L, (gee, I wonder who that might be) doesn't like British stuff, except for shandy, a British drink I've never heard of, but the author drones on about it for a good while longer than he uses to describe his actual characters. Splendid.

Well, our friend, the "mystery dude" goes to our previously mentioned nameless characters and has a threesome. Needless to say, he's so much better at it than the previous L, which is a bit of a Dude-ur-so-retarted-moment, since we all know the mere touch of Dark's humongous wang can cure any disease known by man, too bad he's too heterosexual to use it on the sick men in the world. One almost fears what actual sex with it involved could do. Well, surprise, surprise, our mysterious mega-stud turns out to be Dark. Beat still, my heart. And yes, it turns out Ckira is our villain, and for reasons I've already mentioned, I'm about as optimistic for this one as I'm for Uwe Boll's next project. I mean... come on, anyone with two brain cells to rub together would have caught this guy about 3.14 seconds after they started looking, he's about as threatening as an anemic kitten, no strike that, at least the kitten's got claws.

So Yeah... tune in next time for the thrilling continuation of this tale of suspense and wonder.

edited 11th Dec '09 2:08:26 PM by slowzombie

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Wow. The combined amount of fail in this sentence is hilarious.

SHIKI is dead.

I think Ckira is meant to be this guy. God knows how the author heard of him though.

Ah, that was illuminating, thank you Ducky. He can't have heard of anything else than his name and general appearance though. To be fair, it's about as in-character as any other character in this entire fic.

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Can't stop laughing.

INT is knowing a tomato is a fruit. WIS is knowing it doesn't belong in a fruit salad. CHA is convincing people that it does.

Actually that one is a Kanye West reference.

SHIKI is dead.

Ew, sexing with a lolcat?

You're looking for this person.

Oh, yeah, now that you mention it, it makes sense. Of course, I'd be embarassed for missing that, hadn't it been for the fact that I'm so proud I'm not Lovecraft-style insane by now.

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I think that's one of my favourite parts of this fic. It's just hysterical; there is no conceivable way L could have accidentally "writ" Light's name. How? HOW!? Although the mental image of Light skipping is perhaps even funnier.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger