I am really the only person here with NO friends?

OK, so you've seen me here before. And I'm back again.

And I want to finally sort this out. I have a problem, and I need help. Not from experts, but from you. All I want from some of you is for you guys to confirm this to me once and for all.

I want to know:

Am I really the only person here with absolutely no friends (outside family)? Am I the only person who cannot relate to people, who is too shy to talk to people unless spoken to first, who is too terrified to share my interests with real people, who is too insecure that I'll be made fun of and judged as weird and childish if I tell people what I like?

My self-esteem has dropped to an all-time-low. I have no friends and no way to make them. And as I've said before, all of you guys seem so monumentally confident and happy. You talk and discuss without a care in the world. You act like everything's dandy. And yet, some of you have the interests I have, like Pokemon. I cannot tell people I like Pokemon. I'm scared they will think I'm childish. Yet, so many people can! Just look at how many people online are okay with it! Where the hell are you people?!

I mean... are you different people in life? Are you common folk? Do you act, look, talk differently? Because in person, I act normally and maturely, like normal folk. I AM a mature person. Yet online I am able to share my nerdy and weird interests, just not with real people, I'm too shy to do so. Thus, I am never able to know if people like what I like. Asking someone if they like Pokemon sounds absolutely mortifying. I don't want to be judged as a weird nerd. It's happened in the past, in school, I've been bullied and I've never met ANYONE else who is my age and still likes Pokemon.

So why are others okay with it, and instantly make friends? Why are you guys so confident, so secure in your tastes, so unafraid of people thinking you're weird or a nerd for liking weird and nerdy things? Am I really alone in this? Or can anyone else relate?

edited 19th Jul '15 9:21:18 AM by TT454

Takes years to build up the kind of confidence to overcome that. Believe me, I know that struggle.

Doesn't help if you're a misanthrope like I was/kinda still am, though.

From the sounds of it, you might have social anxiety, or some other social disorder. For advice, look up some and their symptoms and decide if you want to get a diagnosis from a professional. (I'm not one, fyi)

I have anxiety, and I'm an introvert so I don't have many friends either. I do have a select few people who I am comfortable talking with about my interests. Believe me, they're out there. But I have some issues with thinking people will get annoyed with me, hate me, and such, and I still struggle with problems like it. I've been having issues with having no friends I can hang out with in real life because I have different interests from them. But the thing is, there are weird nerdy people everywhere, I just haven't met them yet or known of them.

People nerd out on the internet because we are faceless (unless you like posting a bunch of selfies) and everyone is a stranger to you- but they have similar interests with you. (There area a lot of douches in real life, and they are on the internet too)

Hell, I have interests I don't talk about here, but elsewhere to certain people, because at least they can have a sustained conversation with me.

I think some of us are confident, but some just seem that way because we are comfortable here. I tend to get nervous myself because in the past I had a terrible experience on a forum and I've been afraid to open up online since.

(Also, Pokemon is really popular, and I think it's safe to assume a large portion of nerdy people have played it or are fans, me included.)

Electronic-tragedy... you just described my exact problem.

If I meet a brand new new person my age, and I say "Hey, I like Pokemon, do you?" I'm scared I will be...

-Asked questions. -Patronised. -Looked down upon. -Considered weird, nerdy, immature, obsessed... -Thought of as unintelligent, or reliant on childish things to get through life.

The thing is, I am a nerd, I'm just not proud of it, and I'm as not as big as a nerd as other people. But I don't want people to get the wrong idea of me. I have a strange mixture of interests that make me feel as though I cannot fit anywhere. :(

I also have low self-esteem as I said. I was a late developer, behind everyone at school. I never became streetwise, could never strike up conversations myself, and was always treated as a little child by virtually everyone. "Oh, hi Tom! Awwww he's so cute." >:(

edited 19th Jul '15 9:45:41 AM by TT454

I guess it's just a flaw we both have, honestly. Like Odd said, it's probably confidence I'll have to build up. It's just based on "Why should I care what people think?" But I DO care, perhaps too much. Again, it's probably a way my anxiety manifests itself.

...But I'm an optimist too, so I have the strength to hopefully build up confidence. I'm trying, so that counts.

Yes, some people will judge, but most really don't care. Some will think Pokemon is childish and look down on you for it, but at least you know to stay away from them and they''re not your kind of people. Don't try to dwell on the people who hate. Find people who do care about you and your interests. It's easier said than done, but it's doable.

I want to go to college at a more artsy school (there a are a couple good ones that I'm able to be accepted for), so I can be surrounded by people who are OK with being a nerd (and are creative people, as I am). I'll have to soldier through not having IRL people who I can nerd out with, but I have something to look forward to.

The thing is, people here don't have not a care in the world. Even if it looks that way. A lot of us have a lot of issues, mental illnesses, real life problems and social interaction difficulties, and quite a few started out in the same place, i used to be too scared to talk to people online and it evolved gradually, so...

yeah We end up projecting an image of being happy all the time, yeah, but honestly no one is like that all the time, but it kinda helps people cope to talk about interests and ignore the bad things

edited 19th Jul '15 10:04:27 AM by ElectricNova

I see your point, ET. The thing is, I'm just not confident enough. I'm an introvert like you. I love being by myself. But if I'm by myself for too long I feel lonely, depressed and invisible to everyone but my family.

The only person who I'm able to speak to my interests is about is my younger brother. But even then, he doesn't talk to me that much and prefers to be by himself (he has autism). We do, however, play video games together.

This is also why I hate it when people quote that C.S. Lewis quote. "When I become a man, I put away childish things - the fear of childish and the desire to be very grown up".

While it is true that one should be able to like whatever they like, it implies that the fear of being perceived as a childish is itself childish. Did Lewis simply not realise that some people have social anxiety and don't want to mention the geeky things they like? Is it really so immature to fear that others will perceive you as the sweaty manchild stereotype for mentioning that your favourite video game is Spyro The Dragon 3?

And by the way, I know there are people worse off than me. I know there are people who can't even talk to anybody and need medication. I can talk to most people quite easily, I just can't make friends with people, and though there are people with worse social anxiety, I still feel down about it.

I have to go out somewhere for now... I'll be back later.

By the way, Electric Nova. You're British. It's nice to know that someone else from this country once faced the same problem as I am facing. In fact, it's often somewhat bizarre seeing a British person online outside of Facebook or Twitter (which are both extraordinarily popular websites for us Brits). For some reason I think everyone online is automatically American. It's weird, I know. :/

@Title: Not really :P I barely have friends, and I'm pretty sure majority of people here find me annoying and think I'm trying too much to be snarky when I'm actually not and am just failing with my social skills

Oh, ET. You remind me so much of me at a younger age. Honestly, therapy has legitimately helped me overcome a good deal of my anxiety, so you might wanna think about looking into that.

Aside from that, maybe try looking into clubs that suit your interests—you can be assured to be able to speak more freely there. As long as there's a comfortable atmosphere there, it should at least lessen some of the stress.

Also, watch Watamote as a "what not to do."

That is really good advice. I suffer from the same problem, but I belong to a D&D group and a robotics club. Makes talking about nerdy stuff less of a crapshoot.

I tried looking up clubs once, as I am fond of music (the nerdiest genre, progressive rock) and all I found was nightclubs. :(

By the way thank you for understanding everyone, it's really nice. I actually remember opening a similar thread to this sometime last year, but it got instantly moved to some other part of this forum and I couldn't locate it. I'm glad the same hasn't happened to this thread.

Perhaps I should become more active on this forum. Before, apart from the odd thread (like that thread where I talked about why I'm not a fan of Toy Story 3) I haven't said much on this forum, and I want to say more rather than keep vanishing.

...you didn't have nerdy friends in school? I still keep in touch with mine, since fifteen years!

Nope, I had only acquaintances. No actual long-lasting friends. :(

In terms of being a nerd, while I am, I've never been proud of it. The problem is, I do not want to associate myself with what is now very popularly known as fandom, of which nerds form a large part of. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I truly believe that there are way more negative aspects to fandoms then positives. The sheer number of fandoms that have become rotten over time is almost limitless. This makes it even more difficult to say I enjoy video games like Pokemon, because Pokemon fans are known for their violent, childish feuding over which monsters and generations are best with no end to it. Not that all fans are like that, I'm certainly not, but it seems that most are when entire comment sections on You Tube are packed with these arguments. Then there's those awful, childish fandom wars which just never end, arguably the worst being Harry Potter vs. Twilight (and to be honest, I think HP fans arefar worse in this regard, as they attack fans of the latter mercilessly. The fans just cannot get along).

Well, 'fan' is short for 'fanatic' and that does tend to hint at a certainly level of insanity.

Additionally: Prog is awesome.

I know this sounds like heresy to nerdy types, but if you're trying to make friends, keep the pokemon stuff to yourself. People do judge each other (we have to, nothing would get done otherwise) so let them judge you on your personality before chucking in a weird hobby that might put them off.

I mean, it was only last year that I found out a guy I've known since we were both learning to fly likes model railways almost as much as I do.

edited 21st Jul '15 2:45:42 AM by InverurieJones

I know what it feels like. I hardly ever post because I almost always come to hate or be embarrassed by whatever I've written just minutes after submitting it, not just here but any forum. I have no idea how to share my interests without looking silly, so I rarely do so, and I'm generally an all-around loner. I hate it, and I have no idea how to change it.

I also share your indifference or distaste for fandoms, which is also why I never involve myself in them, for any franchise whatsoever. Talking about it with some friends, sure, that's great, but not with hundreds or thousands of strangers.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm pretty lost too. I hope you're doing better.

Fandoms are literally the worst.

"if you're trying to make friends, keep the pokemon stuff to yourself."

Eh? Honestly, even among non-nerdy friends, I haven't generally seen interest in Pokémon as being that off-putting of a thing. I mean, aside from that one guy I know who's super into competitive battling, but there's other reasons people don't like him.

It depends on the crowd, I suppose, but I'd say it's probably like being a 40K player: wait until they like you, then mention it. That makes it more likely to regard it as something one of their friends does instead of altering their view of you in keeping with whatever their mental image is of people who like that.

It is a pretty nerd interest and pretty unusual in adults, so best to play safe and not have it be the one thing people remember about you after the first meeting.

edited 23rd Jul '15 9:38:30 AM by InverurieJones

I always point to my dad when thinking about whether my lack of close friends makes me weird. My dad's quite well-adjusted (definitely more normal than i am, he watches sports and i don't) but really hasn't had any friends since i was about 10 years old when he drifted away from his old high school buddies. Some people just don't have them.

In my case, even though i've become more social, i still like to decide my own schedule and not just do whatever my friends are doing, which makes it harder to form deeper bonds, and this is something that most adults go through because their obligations make it less likely to have a close circle of friends, their friends will usually be friends of convenience, like "parents of my child's friends" or "coworkers."

Although clubs and activities can short-circuit this in short order, which makes it a little different for nerds because our clubs will be people like here on TVT, though modern websites like meetup help to get people together with irl interests.

edited 23rd Jul '15 9:58:14 AM by Ogodei

I mean, there's something to be said of tactfulness, but that seems rather paranoid. I've always felt that if someone is going to outright reject you because of your interests, they're not gonna be a worthwhile friend anyway.

Well, I kinda have a similar thing going on with me, except I do have some friends, but even with them I get the feeling that there's Always Someone Better than me. I don't like revealing what I'm really interested in (Nintendo games) because there's a strong chance that people will look down on me for it.