Joke thread

Confucius say, "man standing in front of car get tired."

Confucius say, "Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."

edited 15th Feb '16 2:21:44 PM by pwiegle

Confucius say, "Man who want date with hot nurse must first be patient."

Confucius say, "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."

Confucius say "Man who argue with cow on walls like train without wheels; very soon go nowhere.

I got a pretty nerdy joke that I made up right this minute.

Why don't hipsters like bleach?

It's basic.

"These hippos are lazy!" Tom said, hypocritically.

What do you call a bulletproof Velociraptor?

Kevlar girl…

lol

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Did you hear about the guy who broke his left arm and left leg? He is all right now.

Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

How do you get four suits for a dollar? You purchase a deck of cards.

Where do you find the world's largest diamond?

At a baseball field.

I hear Who plays there.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

You want champagne and real friends, or real pain and sham friends?

What do you say about a chimney repairman's rates?

They're going through the roof!

I hate diarrhea.

It's such a pain in the ass.

"Excuse me, sir, can you direct me to the home of Stravinsky?"

"Certainly! It's just to the right of Spring.

Oh you horrid cad. Good one.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?

You stay here I am going on a head.

edited 10th Mar '16 6:38:07 PM by TuefelHundenIV

I lost my job at the orange juice factory last week. I couldn't concentrate.

My job is literally to go around the country and crush discarded yet not empty cans of Pepsi. It's soda pressing.

I have to take umbridge with the Starfleet joke, since Picard has four ears - left ear, right ear, his engineer and last but not least, the final front ear.

Confucius he say "man who gets up early better than man hit on head with bamboo banjo"

many sayings of Confucius are still found today, inside Christmas crackers. This is why, when confucius was coming, people would run around flapping their arms like a duck. This state was named after Confucius and known as "confusion".

I posted some of that in the misquote historical figures thread. It is taken from the book "Peregrine Peabodys Completely Misleading History Of The World"

edited 12th Mar '16 5:09:26 PM by TheOneWhoTropes

Confucius say:

"Man who sit on hot stove, better off."

"Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu."

"Wife who puts husband in dog house, soon find him in cat house."

"With great power comes great electricity bill."

"Man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day."

"Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have shitty time."

"Man with head up his ass can't see for shit."

"Man who eats crackers in bed is bound to wake up feeling crummy."

THAT'S RACIST!!

Confucius was a Sage, which is a herb, so he was annoyed when people tried to use him to season their dinner.

Why do people drop butter?

The answer is, seeing a butterfly.