Joke thread

I told my engineering professor that our big homework assignment was due the same day I have an exam in another class, and he changed the due date to a day sooner.

This is why I have truss problems.

The Prime Day fiasco is like the Fire Phone fiasco, except people had something to show for their disappointment with the Fire Phone.

This one may have been done already.

So a baby seal walks into a club...

So, I have a friend who speaks with a lisp: he pronounces his l's like w's.

It makes for very awkward moments when we go to LGBT events and he asks "Have I made myself clear?"

I told my psychiatrist that I feel like nobody pays attention to me. He then turned to me and said, "Oh, hey! When'd you get here?"

A man stole from the same clothing store three times. You could tell because he dressed better at each robbery.

a rabbi jumps put of a plane flying to denver, when asked why, he says,

"just because im jewish, doesnt mean im not allowed to get high from three things, altitude, adreneline, and trees!"

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible!"

"Who said that?!"

"Doc, ya gotta help me out. Every night, i think im a teepee, then a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, over and over and over again!"

"Here, take this stress medication: you're two tents!"

Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains!

"Pull yourself together, man!"

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a dog."

"Well then, have a seat, and we'll see what I can do."

"Oh no. I'm not allowed on the furniture."

warning; stupid humor ahead

"doctor, doctor, i've got a serious problem! i fart constantly, it never smells, it's always silent, but i can feel it happening. in fact, i've farted ten times since i entered the room!"

"well, here, take this for a month and get back to me"

ONE MONTH LATER

"doc, doc! the stuff you gave me was terrible! the farts are still silent but now they smell!"

"well, now that we've cleared up your nose, let's get your hearing checked out, shall we?"

edited 10th Aug '15 8:33:00 AM by ImmortalFaust

A bus passes by a house to inform them of an incoming flood and offers to take them to higher ground. The family refuses, stating that God will save them. The bus goes on its way.

The flood arrives and the family is forced to climb to the roof. A boat passes, again offering to save the family. Again they refuse, claiming God will save them. The boat heads to higher ground.

The floodwaters rise even higher, forcing the family to climb even higher. A helicopter offers to save them, and they again refuse.

As the family is nearly consumed by the rising waters, they pray for God to save them. He replies "I sent you a bus, a boat & a helicopter. What more do you want?".

When we were just recently going into space, NASA realized their pens wouldn't work in zero-g situations. So they spent a few billions dollars trying to make a pen that would work not only in zero-g, but also in the freezing cold, the blistering heat, and in places with low air pressure. The Soviets used a pencil.

edited 15th Aug '15 2:00:05 PM by WilliamRadarStorm

If anyone was wondering, that is a joke (and not actually true as sometimes claimed).

Well, it is true... it just leaves out the fact that the Soviets switched to ballpoint pens pretty quickly too, because graphite dust is a flammable semiconductor. :P

How do you make fish jerky?

You give the fish too much coffee.

How to make self-smoking salmon: offer them a packet of cigarettes for every waterfall they pass.

What is Britain's most powerful band?

Parliament.

edited 29th Aug '15 10:31:58 AM by WilliamRadarStorm

How did Jared Fogle start and end his career?

Trying to get into smaller pants.

Too soon?

Three blondes are trying to escape an island. They find a bottle and rub it, revealing a genie inside. The genie says, "I'll grant you each one wish."

The first blonde says, "I want to be 10% smarter." The genie turns her into a redhead. Using her newfound wits, she builds a raft and sails away.

The second blonde says, "I want to be 50% smarter." The genie turns her into a brunette. She uses her newly-upgraded skills to build an airplane and fly away.

The third blonde says, "I want to be 100% smarter." The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Sort of crosses the line twice, that one.

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!

Actually, I'm not sure

He hasn't opened it yet

How does Harry Potter get to work?

Walking.

JK! Rolling.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.