Joke thread

I saw a man with a car parked very close to a tree, and his friend was sprawled on the hood. He said he was going to play a prank on his sister.

...Huh?

Guy was making it look like he'd hit his friend with the car.

Yeah, got that...just wondering if I was missing something. Guess I'm just overthinking it as usual.

Me and my brother play hardcore Scrabble games. At the end, someone's usually missing an i.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

(I stole it from Steven Wright, I admit.)

To riff on that, all those who believe in telepathy, change my mind.

And all those who believes me in Cannibalism Superpower can eat me.

Wait......

I tried to tell those kind of jokes once. Unfortunately, someone who believed in pyrokinesis delivered a pretty sick burn.

At least I can hope that those with a Green Thumb are rooting for me.

The guys with rock powers, they have at least solid principles.

Why don't Churches have wi-fi?

Because they don't want to have to compete with an invisible power that actually exists.

I thought they had Immaculate Reception.

I'm not the biggest fan of double entendre, but I try to slip one in wherever I can.

And now, for some serious satirical parody (Warning: Contains mild language)

From the assholes at BS (Badass Systems) comes a game so ridiculous, the hell starts before you even play! To begin, one must first purchase the game at retail for anywhere around $30-80! Then, they must create and activate a subscription account with numerous levels of quality charging different monthly prices!

Basic: The graphics and sound are at the their lowest quality. No reflections, no real shadows, NO MUSIC! for $10 a month!

Sort of Okay: The graphics are a little bit better, and the music you get is too damn quiet no matter how loud you turn it up. Glitchy reflections, unrealistic shaders all for $15 a month!

Alright I guess: The graphics are almost mid quality, the music is slightly audible but badly repetitive since you can only hear 5 songs out of the 60 song soundtrack! The reflections are distorted and unrealistic, and the shaders are half-assed! $20 a month!

Playable: The graphics are slightly above middle quality, the reflections are laggy but accurate and the shader almost works completely well! $30 a month! Also you get 15 songs out of the 60 song soundtrack

The Best You're Going to Get!: The graphics, shaders and reflections are at the highest setting, but are so damn advanced that unless you have the latest versions of today's computer models with heavily-customized hardware, you're going to crash at least twice a session! ALL FOR $50 a month!

And that's not all! Even though we provide the game with minor updates daily, anything major (Including stuff that fixes broken gameplay) is mandatory DLC that also costs money! What's that, you couldn't afford your subscription? WELL SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL YOUR HARD EARNED ITEMS AND PROGRESS YOU CHEAP BASTARD! We've been working hard to make sure to protect this awesome game that's butchered by shoddy business practices with the most powerful DRM money can bribe! If you so much as forget your password and make too many wrong attempts, your account will be deleted! Meaning that you need to buy the game and all DLC AGAIN Thought you could hack into our records? WELL THAT SPECIAL MANDATORY DRM WILL NOW BEGIN EATING AWAY RANDOM FILES OF YOUR HARD DRIVE! And since you dumbasses outright refuse to read our phonebook of a legal agreement and just click away, we can get away with actions of questionable legality! E—-I mean BS games, since you're too stupid to figure out that we own the entire market, the reviewers AND the playtesters! (Also, we make the legal text as small as font editors can allow, therefore avoiding any claims that we didn't warn you!)SERIOUSLY, YOU'D NEED AN ELECTRON MICROSCOPE TO READ THIS! What's that, claim that nobody would be stupid enough to buy this? Take a look in your bank account, YOU ALREADY DID!

Batman jokes, courtesy of Wondermark.

edited 1st Sep '14 12:35:02 PM by Noaqiyeum

The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

I cannot stand my job anymore. It's just ridiculous. All of my coworkers suck.

First, there's this supermodel wannabe. I mean, she's pretty hot, but she's an idiot. Like, literally retarded, it's that bad. Always fixing her hair, putting on makeup, that stuff. There's this other chick that's the opposite. She's like the smartest person on the planet. I dunno why she stays in this shit job. On a scale of one to ten, she is a zero. I doubt she ever showers, much less shaves. I'm also pretty sure she's a lesbian considering she moans like a bitch in heat whenever we drive by the hardware store.

But the worst part of it is the stoner. This guy is more than your average pothead. He is stoned all the time. He is stoned when he gets to work. He is stoned during work. He is probably stoned after work. And, not only that, he insists, insists, on bringing his damn dog everywhere. This huge Great Dane lumbering around the office, stoned on secondhand smoke, and it's even more annoying than his owner. Seriously, it never shuts up. This guy always has the munchies. We are constantly having to stop at burger king to get shit for him to eat, every single day.

Anyway, we drive around in this van and solve mysteries and shit.

First of all, the only good baby joke I've ever heard. What's the good thing about baby jokes? They never get old.

Okay, there's one joke we all call "the long joke". Lemme see if I get it together.

There's a lake. Next to that lake, there's a fly. The fly thinks "Imma fly over that lake." BUT! On that lake, there's a spider, who thinks: "Heh, what a smart fly. Thinks it's gonna fly across the lake, but I, I'm gonna catch it and eat it!" BUT! In the lake, there's a fish. The fish thinks: "Heh, what a smart spider. Thinks the fly's gonna fly across the lake, and then it's gonna catch it, but when it has the fly and is distracted, I'm gonna eat it!" BUT! Next to the lake, there's a bear. The bear thinks: "Heh, what a smart fish, thinks the fly is gonna fly across the lake and the spider's gonna catch the fly and it's gonna eat the spider, but then, I will take the opportunity and catch the fish!" BUT! Near the lake, there's a cabin, and in it is a hunter. The hunter thinks: "Heh, what a smart bear, thinks the fly's gonna fly across the lake, the spider's gonna eat the fly, the fish is gonna eat the spider, and it's gonna catch the fish, but I, I will shoot the bear!" BUT! In the cabin, there's a mouse, and it thinks: "Heh, that hunter's smart. Thinks the fly's gonna fly across the lake, the spider's gonna catch the fly, the fish is gonna eat the spider, the bear's gonna catch the fish and the hunter's gonna shoot the bear, but meanwhile, I'll steal the cheese!" BUT! Where there are mice, there are also cats, and the cat thinks: "What a smart mouse. Thinks the fly's gonna fly over the lake and the spider's gonna catch the fly, the fish is gonna eat the spider, the bear is gonna catch the fish, the hunter's gonna shoot the bear and the mouse is gonna steal the cheese, but I, I'll be there, and I'll eat the mouse!" Everyone has it planned out, and a moment later the fly's flying across the lake. The spider's ready and catches it, the fish eats the spider, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear. The cat is so startled by the loud noise that it jumps into the lake in shock. What do we learn from that? Long foreplay, wet pussy.

What do you call a dinosaur who falls into the river?

Wet!

So, a guy joined this order of monks, and he was really getting into it. He enjoyed the praying, and the guiding pilgrims, and all of that, but by far his favorite monk duty was copying their old books. These monks had a ton of old books detailing how they did things in their order, and they insisted on always making copies by hand. Anyway, after a while, our new monk realized that they were making all of their copies based on previous copies. Someone could have made a mistake years, decades, or even centuries ago, and they would be faithfully copying that mistake. He brought up his concern to the abbot, who granted him access to the ancient archive containing the original copy of their books. This archive hadn't been accessed in centuries. He spent quite a bit of time in there carefully going over every book for the slightest inconsistency. It took a long time because there were a ton of books. After a week, he finally emerged with a shocked look on his face. He shouted, "It says celebrate!"

edited 17th Sep '14 11:16:33 PM by CompletelyNormalGuy

So a duck walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

The duck doesn't respond because it's a duck.

edited 18th Sep '14 12:08:42 AM by the8thdigidestined

There was a man - we'll call him Bob - who decided to become a monk. He even took the vow of silence to get the whole experience. He lived at the monastery for five years and kept his vow. On the fifth year, the head monk spoke to him.
"You have dutifully upheld your vow of silence for five years. To commemorate your dedication, you may say two words. Which words shall you choose?"
"Hard bed."
"I'm very sorry about that. I'll see to it that the beds are better made." After that, Bob resumed his spiritual duties without saying a word for another five years. On the tenth one, the head monk said to him "You have successfully kept to your vow of silence for another five years. Once again, you may say two words on this day. Have you anything to say?"
"Cold food."
"I'm very sorry about that. I'll make sure the food is cooked better." Another five years passed, and Bob remained silent for all of them. Afterward, the head monk spoke to him again.
"It has been 15 years since you joined our order, and you have upheld your vow of silence admirably. You may say two words on this day. What say you?"
"I quit."
"I'm sorry to see you go, but to be honest, I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

So today I went into a little sandwich shop for lunch. I had ordered roast beef, and as was waiting, I started to notice some odd things. In the meat case was a ham that appeared to be.....melting. I had thought that there was a turkey breast on the slicer, but when I looked from another angle I could swear that it wasn't on the slicer, but floating next to it. Pepperoni was "hatching" from an egg. I mean, the sandwich was good, but I don't think I'll be going back to the Salvador Deli.