Joke thread

Ha!

A Spanish-speaking bandit held up a bank in Tucson. The sheriff and deputy chased him down. When they captured him, the sheriff, who couldn't speak Spanish, asked him where he'd hidden the money. "No sé nada," he replied.

The sheriff put a gun to the bandit's head and said to his bi-lingual deputy: "Tell him I'm going to blow his brains out if he doesn't tell us where that money is right now."

Upon receiving the translation, the bandit became very animated and replied, "¡Ya me acuerdo! Tienen que caminar tres cuadras hasta ese gran arbol: allí está el dinero."

The sheriff leaned forward. "Yeah? Well?"

The deputy shrugged and replied: "He says he wants to die like a man."

Heh heh heh.

I doooon't get it.

The interpreter is going to take the money-The bandit is saying "OH! I remember! it's three blocks and a left to the money!" Since the sheriff can't understand him the interpreter is going to have the sheriff off the bandit and then the interpreter will go grab the money later, with nobody the wiser!

That's clever.

A group of tourists goes on a guided tour of a rubber factory. First they see the floor dedicated to baby pacifiers, then the floor dedicated to condoms. One tourist notices that one in ten condoms is removed from the assembly line, goes through a separate machine, then gets put back with the rest. On asking, he is told that the machine pokes a hole in the condoms that go through it. After all, they've got to sell pacifiers somehow.

Oh my gosh, that's funny.

(lame joke that I came up with incoming)

If Jay-Z built a time machine, how much power would it require?

1.21 "Jigga What"s.

(you were warned)

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Penis.

I mean, father.

I mean, one!

You know, I changed the toilet's name from "the john" to "the jim".

It sounds better when you tell your friends that you woke up and went to the jim.

If you don't get it, say it out loud.

Bad joke incoming.

What did Santa Claus say after watching Gurren Lagann?

HO HO, FIGHT THE POWAH

Did you hear about the tourist who fell in the river while he was visiting Paris?

He was temporarily in Seine.

My family and friends laughed very hard when I told them this list at my party on Saturday. :)

Damn it, I'm 24 and that one just made me depressed.

I'm sorry. :(

A scientist is talking to God one day and says :Hey, God? We've invented this machine that can take dirt and make anything, so, uh, yeah, you can just step back and go watch cosmic football or whatever; we don't need you.". God replies "Well then. I'm not needed? Let's have a little competition; Whoever can make the more impressive something from nothing wins." The scientist agrees, and picks up a handful of dirt. God interjects saying Hey, get your own dirt!

Ten points for the Almighty.

OBSA

What?

In other things, glad y'all liked it.

Official Bacon Seal of Approval

There really deserves to be an emoticon for that.

What would it look like? A piece of Bacon giving a thumbs up? A seal entirely composed of Bacon?

I'm imagining something like a gold border surrounding a skull-and-crossbones, only the skull is a thumbs-up and the crossbones are bacon.