Joke thread

A man pays for three crows.

He was arrested.

I assume he was arrested for a murder?

After 11 years of being bullied, I'm going to find some things to distract my attackers. They'll fit over their mouths.

Yup!

I don't get it :V

It's to shut them up. Permanently. It was better in my head.

edited 19th Mar '13 5:49:20 PM by Landorkus

It both failed and succeeded as a gag.

Theeeeere we go.

So I heard some kid was suspended for masturbating in French class. I guess touching your oui-oui is a non-non.

Ever since my city legalised recreational weed, the illegal usage of recreational weed has decreased 100%.

If something can regenerate a part of its body, it is good to have it as an ally. Unless it's a level 1 Audino.

edited 24th Mar '13 1:55:17 PM by Landorkus

Homestuck cosplay tip: Use liquid mercury as grey paint and set with talcum powder.

EDIT: Okay, I'll fix it.

Don't blame the arrogant Catholic priest.

It was his...

...altar ego.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

From Anne Wheaton's Twitter feed.

Happy?

edited 27th Mar '13 3:12:02 PM by resetlocksley

That needs a before the second sentence and a YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! after it.

My apologies if this joke or one similar to it has already been posted.

In Ancient Greece, Socrates sat on a stool, pondering the mysteries of life. His train of thought, however, was derailed when one of his students ran up to him.

"Socrates! Master Socrates!" he exclaimed. "I have important news about Diogenes! He-"

"Wait, student," the wise teacher said. "Before you tell me this, are you positive that this news is true?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Wait. When you tell me this, will it make me happy?"

"Not at all, master, but-"

"Ah ah ah. Is this information absolutely essential for me to know?"

"I suppose it isn't, but-"

"Let me speak, student. If this news is not essential to know, not entertaining, and above all, not true, can you call it important news?"

The student sighed and replied, "No, master."

"Very well then," he replied with a smug smile on his face. "Since it is not important news, I do not need to know it. Begone, then." And with that, the student shuffled away.

And that's why Socrates never found out Diogenes was sleeping with his wife.

One night, I was taking a walk, and I happened to pass by an abandoned hospital. Suddenly, I heard a mysterious voice continuously saying "13...13...13...". I thought it was just the wind and kept walking. Then it spoke again: "13...13...13..." I was curious, and went up to a hole in the wall, where I could hear the voice. I looked into the hole, and I got poked in the eye. Then the voice started saying "14...14...14..."

• Your mom is so fat that when she sits down she has Area of Effect damage.

• What do you call two people fighting over a loan? Mortgage Kombat

• I had a rooster to wake me up in the morning every day, but he was always late by an hour. He kept cocking it up

• What does a doorknob tell a floor tile? Nothing. They can't speak. They're not even sentient

...props for my new favorite Your Mom joke, X.

When Zecora's concoction messed up, she was turned into a well-endowed anthropomorphic version of herself. One could say that she needed a z-bra.

• how was copper wire discovered two Jews fighting over a penny.

-> Bob: Spell the word "me".

-> Alice: M-E.

-> Bob: You forgot the "d"!

-> Alice: There's no "d" in "me"!

-> Bob: Not yet there isn't.

edited 4th Apr '13 11:45:20 AM by Landorkus

@Landorkus: Please explain

Bob implies he's about to put his dick in Alice.

Ohhh.

Archeologists have found the remains of what they think to be the oldest lost Native American tribe. The Wherewasi

What do 16 sodium atoms and Batman have in common? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na