Transgender Tropers, Aggregate!

Just got a call from school. My records are now changed. And they also tried to contact VCAA (Victorian Curriculum and Assessment Authority, the people who run the external examinations in Victoria) to change the details. They don't know if it's gone through or not, but I'm really surprised they went to that effort.

Mind if I join in?

I'm Mt F, 17 years old, and I will probably get to start HRT next summer. If I'm lucky, and the psychologist (also known as Gatekeeper Supreme) doesn't screw me over.

Hey, hey. Nice to meet you.

(I might be going on HRT next year too...)

26, otherwise in a similar situation.

Although I'm still waiting for an appointment in the first place.

Hi everybody. Does this group have room for non-binary people?

Absolutely not

Trash, I think you meant Joking Mode. Sarcasm Mode seems a bit... aggressive.

Oh, crackers! Okay, I guess I'll go. *Looks back sheepishly*

@blk: Yeah. I knew Sarcasm Mode wasn't right, but Humour Mode wasn't right either.

Hey, guys. I've been meaning to post here, but I, uh, haven't gotten around to it until now. I came out as transgender back in September and everything's been pretty much perfect. My family's very accepting (and the ones who aren't don't see me very often anyways) and I've been taking hormones since November because a very wonderful nurse practitioner explained to me about the magic of "Informed Consent," meaning I get to skip that stupid, stupid step where you have to "prove" to a psychiatrist that you're "really" transgender in a process that takes several months. So now I pass really well and I've been "she-ed" by strangers in public and oh yeah I have boobs now.

Everything's been perfect, and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I also have siblings, and here's the part I wanted to talk with someone about... I know there are siblings like the Wachowski sisters who have both come out as transgender at different times. I know there's not a negligible amount of credibility to the idea that genetics may be a factor, and so if I'm not cisgender, my siblings may also be genetically inclined to not be cisgender, either. I know that. But...

In the months since I came out, I've had not one but two siblings bring forth the possibility that they may also have gender dysphoria to some extent. Now, one of these siblings confided this fact to someone else, and then that someone else told me without asking for permission from my sibling and without me prompting them to. That's really none of my business, and I don't know the exact details anyways, and I'm sorry I found out the way I did. I know I get beyond upset when people tell others that I'm transgender without my explicit permission.

And then there's the second sibling, who confided in me that they might be genderfluid. If I'm being totally honest with myself, my gut reaction to learning that my siblings are questioning their gender identity is not one of happiness. It makes me angry. The way my sibling described their feelings to me didn't match up with my own experiences at all.

I guess there's this assumption that since I'm not cisgender, I must implicitly understand and empathize with all other non-cisgender people. But the truth is, I don't get what being "genderfluid" is like. I mean, I definitely went through a phase where my brain was like 'You're a girl... NO WAIT NO YOU'RE NOT I TAKE IT BACK!" but that was only out of fear. Nowadays, if someone suggested that I might one day wake up and decide, "Ehh, y'know, I'm just not feeling like a girl today," I would find it incredibly offensive. Once I started dressing as the correct gender, there was no going back.

So I didn't get it when my sibling said they were genderfluid, and I'm worried the fact that I didn't respond with overwhelming joy at the news might have upset them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mean about it. I didn't yell at them or anything. I just told them to go see a therapist like I did and to explore other possibilities to make sure they're certain they're genderfluid and not something else (They weren't 100% sure they were genderfluid, and I know I went through a phase where I thought I might be androgynous back in the day).

So that was the end of our conversation. I don't think they realized that I was angry about it (At least, I hope not). Maybe the fact that I'm mad is wrong or petty of me, but - and warning, I'm about to express what might be seen as an unpleasant opinion, and I want to reiterate that this is just how I impulsively feel in my gut and not what I believe is definitely true - the truth is, I'm not so sure either of my siblings really aren't cisgender. I think once I came out to our family and showed that they would be accepting about it, my siblings realized that the door was open for any family member to be non-cisgender. They don't have to go through the same emotional turmoil that I did when I first came out. They know it'd be okay.

So basically, my gut reaction is to be mad at my siblings for copying me and making a mockery of what I did and what it means to me. My possibly-genderfluid sibling happens to by my youngest sibling, who happens to be on Tumblr all the time and happens to be a melodramatic teenager and happens to have lots of non-cisgender / non-heterosexual friends. In fact, I'm under the impression that they've already come out to all of their friends, and that infuriates me because when I came out to my friend it was a big deal for me. It definitely wasn't fun or enjoyable to do, and it DEFINITELY wasn't the first thing I did before even seeing a therapist.

When I first came out to this sibling and explained to them that my end goal was to be able to pass, they didn't understand it. They asked why I didn't just tell every random passerby I was transgender and have a devil-may-care-attitude about it. They didn't get why I should be scared of EVERYBODY knowing I'm transgender. They didn't get that I Just Want to Be Normal. I don't want to turn heads when I walk down the street. I just want to be able to go to the mall or a restaurant or my college classes without making a big deal about it. That's why I haven't gone around to all the places I frequent on the internet saying, "Look at me, look at me, I'm transgender!" It's just not a big deal for me, personally. Or at least, I don't want it to be.

My sibling told me that they don't want to take hormones or make any physical changes to their body; they just want to dress in boy clothes sometimes and go by a boy name when they feel like it. They also casually mentioned that they wanted to tell everyone at their school that they were genderfluid (and presumably expect everyone to keep track of which gender they are and use the correct pronouns and boy/girl name at any given time). And then they told me that the one they had in mind was the name of their favorite character from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It took everything I had not to scream at them, "THIS ISN'T A GAME!"

And then there's that other sibling, the one I'm not supposed to know is questioning their gender identity. Swear to God, when I first came out to them, they were the biggest asshole to me. When I came out to my other older sibling, they just calmly asked, "Why?" out of genuine curiosity, and that's understandable. And when I came out to my best friend over the phone, he just said, "Okay," and then when he first saw me in person after that, he said, "You look good." THAT. That is all I want to hear. That was perfect.

But when I first came out to my other sibling, guess what the first thing out of their mouth was? "Ha! Does this mean you like shopping now?" Wow. Let's all stop and give a round of applause for the ASSHOLE COMEDIAN. They were constantly an asshole to me about it. When we all went to family therapy together, my other sibling complained that I was getting "special treatment" from people because I'm transgender. Yes, you're right, I DO get special treatment, SUCH AS BEING TERRIFIED OF USING PUBLIC RESTROOMS AND CONSTANTLY FEELING LIKE I'M UNDER SCRUTINY BY STRANGERS.

And now I'm overhearing that this same sibling is questioning their gender identity? Bull. Shit. They probably just want some "special treatment," too.

And what do you think's going to happen if my family suddenly gets two additional siblings claiming to be non-cisgender, but in a way that they can easily "take back" if they change their mind. I mean, if I ever decided to resume dressing and presenting myself as a guy (which, by the way, I never ever will), it's not like my boobs would just deflate all on their own.

How will my family see this? The acceptance they've shown to me has been a hard-won privilege. You can bet your ass the first thing every last one of my older family members asked when I came out to each of them was, "Are you suuuuuuuuuure?" I had to show them that, yes, I am sure. I made some very dramatic changes to my lifestyle very quickly because I wanted them to see that I'm dead serious about this. But the instant my siblings come out as well or even mention that they're questioning themselves, I'm worried my older relatives are just gonna go, "Oh, I see, this is just a fad kids these days are picking up. I'm sure they'll go back to normal once they've matured a bit."

And that's not an unfounded concern of mine. That's exactly what they all said when my younger sibling came out as pansexual to them. And they probably said it again when my older brother came out as bisexual. Until the day you introduce your future same-sex partner to them, I just don't think our relatives are ever going to take your orientation seriously.

...Sorry, I realize I'm getting pretty ramble-y. My point is, I was hit with all this from my siblings at once and I'm angry and upset and I just don't know how to deal with all the feelings I'm feeling.

edited 4th Apr '16 8:09:41 AM by thebandragoness

Holy shit. That shit sucks.

I don't know your siblings of course, so that's just guessing.

Thanks for responding, both of you. I really just needed to get a lot off my chest. I hope I don't sound too petulant or whiny. I've just been worrying about this for the last few days. It very well might be one of those problems that isn't actually a problem until my anxiety blows it out of proportion, though. I've been trying to work on that.

Overall, I've really been very happy with all the changes in my life. Rereading everything in my last post, I think maybe my concern isn't so much about what my siblings decide to do with their lives (which really isn't my business in the first place). It's more that I have a fear that I won't be taken seriously by my older family members unless my younger ones treat their gender identity as solemnly as I do (Of course, I've also greatly simplified the situation and left the details intentionally vague because I don't want to talk too much about my siblings' personal lives, but you get the idea).

You're right, Antiteilchen, people are different, and being genderfluid is not the same as being transgender, so it's only natural that my sibling and I don't share all the exact same views and feelings. And I also suspect that my other sibling was being an Armored Closet Gay (In fact, I've long thought they might be a furry, too). The problem with that is my sibling's behavior doesn't really endear me to them, even if I understand where it's coming from.

Anyways, I'm glad this at least gave me an excuse to start posting in this thread. In other news, I just walked my dog outside a few minutes ago and I passed as a woman to some random passerby who struck up a conversation. *does celebratory dance*

edited 4th Apr '16 3:31:07 PM by thebandragoness

huzzah! Go you!

I didn't know about this thread. The Identity thread just kind of died, and the LGBT thread in Yack Fest rarely stays on topic, so... Hello.

I'm agender (I think. Labels are confusing), currently physically male, and sort-of-but-not-quite gynosexual. Oh, and I've never mentioned any of this to anyone in meatspace.

Hi! I hear you. I never mentioned my gender identity to a soul for years until I finally talked to a therapist about it a couple months ago.

I really wish I came out sooner with mine (I realised I was transfeminine about 5-6 years ago in uni, but I didn't say anything until last year).

I've been waiting to see a gender therapist since August (the letter saying my GP referred me said what basically boiled down to "10-12 months or longer"). At this rate, I might not be able to start HRT until I'm 30.

If I imagine my ideal body, I see a perfectly androgynous person; even though I feel disconnected from my genitalia, I don't wish to alter them. I don't experience myself as a woman (even though I'm more comfortable with feminine identifiers like "wife"), but neither do I experience myself as a man. The best I can guess is that I'm agender or SOMEWHERE on the non-binary spectrum.

I've only recently accepted the idea, because I'm used to describing myself as "a feminine gay boy". I've only just started contemplating if I might want to pursue HRT.

I don't have the means to see a therapist at the moment, nor could I afford HRT if I was that far along in "the process".

The whole thing is just kind of... weird, to me. I don't have a single, "ideal body" or anything like that. I have aesthetic and practical preferences, but biological sex isn't really one of them. I like my current body, but I don't feel any real attachment to it, beyond maybe nostalgia.

I sort of feel like I'm missing something that other people might take for granted, and it's seems like this should bother me, but it just... doesn't..?

Exactly. If I have a gender, I don't feel it very intensely.

Yeah, I know that sorta feeling. Like, I generally just look at myself and like, don't recognize my meatsuit as myself. It doesn't really bother me; I can picture my ideal bod, but I don't really feel like I want to try hormones or anything permanent.

Also, whoever it was who used the phrase 'meatspace'? Awesome way to describe real life. I've been creeping out of the closet online in a way, like putting my pronouns and name on stuff I know people who I know in meatspace who don't already know won't find it. It helps a lot with the dysphoria, especially since I won't be able to do anything about my dysphoria otherwise until after college.

edited 6th Apr '16 8:49:40 PM by ClipboardFox22

I got called "he" by some stranger in public today. I don't think they were doing it on purpose to be mean, but still, ugh. If they don't look at me and immediately think I'm a girl, they must assume I'm the gayest dude ever. Are the makeup and the lipstick and the purse and the bra too subtle?

Well that's the thing, I don't really experience any gender dysphoria in the traditional sense. (Which admittedly makes me feel really awkward about discussing these things with people who do.)

This might be a stupid allegory, but for me, having a body is like owning a car. Let's say I drive a red bmw. I like my car, but I don't feel like a "red bmw person", and if I had to switch to a green Ford instead, it wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, if I had unlimited money, I'd probably own multiple cars of many different brands, or even design a few myself. I hope that makes sense.

Crosspost from the LGBT thread and the British Politics thread:

Petition to reduce wait times for transgender related treatments on the NHS.

I can confirm myself that they're insane (I was told 10-12 months or longer back in August; other clinics have waiting times of 2-3 years).

I implore any fellow Brits to sign it, and any non-Brits to pass it on to any Brits they might be aware of.

I don't think everyone with non-binary gender experiences dysphoria. I don't have a gender identity. I feel weird when I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like thinking about my own body. But I have never felt stress or anxiety over it.