The Constructive Criticism Thread

You just have to refine your research somewhat. Focus less on Anime as a whole, and instead look closer towards the Isekai genre that makes up the core of the story.

Additionally, you say you're taking inspiration from Blazing Saddles, but that movie does things differently: many of the characters don't take themselves seriously (with even the sane ones providing a lot of humour) and doesn't have a myriad of characters from other movies, and the shout-outs there are are almost all played for humour (wheras you seem to be putting them in without jokes).

I've done housekeeping for the Con Crit Thread sandbox and placed a new entry in it. It's been roughly two or three weeks since the last critique on this thread, and it's time to move on to the next entry on the waitlist.

And now, for "Prodigious Paragons."

I see that I have critiqued this before (twice). I also see that you have attempted to follow my advice at several points, which has improved your story. Good job. There are still areas that need work, though. Because you seem to have addressed some of the simpler issues that I raised the last time, I am going to offer more complex and nuanced advice now.

1) Your opening scene still isn’t detailed enough. What does the spaceship look like? The Nebula? This is important because the opening scene determines whether or not anyone sticks with the story, or changes the channel to something else. And with science fiction, we need to know which set of aesthetic choices you are making. From the rest of the script, it comes across a little bit as “Star Trek for pre-teens”, so you need to describe the ship and the antagonist with that in mind. Those choices will then inform the animators regarding how to make anything else look, including the character designs and the interior scenes.

2) Your scene descriptions need work. For example:

“Orlando steers the cruiser nervously while Miranda hastily uses the control panel for assistance. There are sounds of blaster fire in the background.”

Some advice about script writing: you have to focus your descriptions on the visual, even more so than in prose writing. The script is intended to contain instructions to the animator, so that person can correctly illustrate what the audience sees. Here is a better, clearer set of animation instructions:

“Orlando gazes at a viewing screen and holds a steering mechanism in his hands in a nervous manner. The screen depicts the nebula seen in the opening. Miranda is sitting next to him in front of another control panel, working with the controls. She is very tense.

F/X: Sounds of blaster fire offscreen.

You see how that works? The very next sentence:

“Orlando uses the dashboard panel to project a holographic display. He opens a program by inputting the dashboard panel.”

Is frankly terrible. Does he push a button, move a lever, wave his hand over the panel? These are aesthetic choices that help set the overall tone for the work as a whole. But even more importantly, a holographic image of what? From his next action, it sounds like a computer desktop, but you don’t say that. The animator will hate you.

I’m not going to go paragraph by paragraph, I think you get the idea.

3) Now the dialogue, which seems awkward and clumsy. At points, I don’t understand what the characters are saying. For example:

“I’ve never expected our adventure in the Vast to turn unexpectedly dark.”

That’s kinda formal and clunky, but could easily be fixed by adding in an article or two: “I never expected our adventure in the Vast to turn this dark!”

Note that I have not merely corrected the grammar, I’ve added emotion. This dark (exclamation point) makes him sound worried, yet excited. He’s expressing feelings, so the audience can identify with him more.

Another example:

“Get it together, Miranda! We’re adventurers; we’re not meeting terrible fate in another world!”

I’m not sure what he is saying here: did he mean that they would meet their fate in another world, which makes the situation sound very epic and exciting; or that they would not meet their fate yet, which sounds brave and determined?

Again, notice that I am focusing on the feelings he is expressing, the actual facts of the situation are secondary.

In general, your script would benefit by being run through a grammar checker, or better yet a native English beta reader with editing skills (you can hire those online). But think very carefully about what the characters are feeling.

Which brings us to:

3) Characterization

I see that Orlando and Miranda, and esp. Miranda, have been further developed as separate characters. I now feel that Miranda has her own voice, and a personality trait that marks her as different from Orlando. That is very good. But in general, I still feel that these two characters are underdeveloped. I don’t know if you use character template sheets or not (it’s a good idea) but if I had to describe Orlando I would call him “heroic” and “decisive”, which is good so far as it goes. Miranda is clearly “sensitive” and “caring”, as evidenced by her crying in the middle of a battle. But she goes after her friends when they are in trouble, so she’s also “loyal”. Orlando doesn’t, which leaves him seeming a little “cold”. But for an introductory scene, not bad.

I also see that you added an entire new sequence of scenes, focused on Vivian and Lloyd. Before, they were just people in the background, but now that they have their own scenes we the audience need to get to know them. What are their distinguishing characteristics? How are they different from Orlando and Miranda, and from each other? You need to decide, and then incorporate that into their scenes, either in form of actions or dialogue.

By the way, there is a mistake in your scene sequence. At the top of page 6, Miranda exits the cockpit. Two scenes later, labeled “The Prodigious Cockpit”, Miranda puts on her exploration suit. She can’t do anything because she isn’t there. I think that’s a good decision, by the way, because it makes what happens to Miranda and the other two a mystery (I am assuming that they don’t really die and you bring them back later).

Finally, I want to offer some feedback on-

4) Scene Structure.

Sometimes we refer to a “tight plot”, which is a plot in which every detail furthers the plot somehow, however indirectly. “Tight writing” also applies to scene structure as well, esp. in scripts. A well written scene goes something like “Scene description sets up the action, something happens, the protagonist reacts to what happens, the character’s reaction causes something else to happen, the character reacts to that, and so on” until the scene is over. In other words, everything happens due to something that happened just before it.

Your second scene is pretty tight, but could be tighter. The scene plays out something like “Scary nebula attacks the ship, Vivian and Lloyd try to defend the ship, scary nebula attacks Vivian and Lloyd, Vivian and Lloyd crash into the ship, Miranda tries to go help them, Orlando attempts to escape the scary nebula by flying into a wormhole, abandoning his friends.”

That leaves a lot out, but in terms of details essential to the overall plot, that’s most of it. There’s a gap, though, in that Orlando trying to escape into the wormhole by initiating the sequence isn’t a direct result of anything that happened just before that. He could just as easily have taken this step earlier, or later. Ostensibly he does this because V and L have just crash landed in the docking bay, but it would be even tighter if Orlando was reacting to something that happened just then. Somebody acts, and he reacts. And fortunately you have something that you can use, which is Miranda attempting to leave the cockpit. If Orlando initiates the escape sequence in order to prevent Miranda from leaving the cockpit, by not giving her enough time, you have a very tight sequence of action and response. This picks up the pace, and creates more drama. He fails, of course, and later on, in another scene, this failure can have emotional consequences for him. It will likely affect how he reacts to friends and enemies in the future (so, it has an effect on the plot). It furthers his characterization, and presents emotional stakes that arise from decisions that the characters make in your story. That allows for a deeper, more meaningful narrative.

But it’s just some advice, so take it or leave it as you like.

All right, rather than going on to the rest of the script, I think that’s enough for now. If you like my advice regarding your first couple of scenes, then obviously you should apply it also to the rest of the scenes.

The story itself is rather good, and I hope you keep working on this. I look forward to reading the finished product, good luck with it.

@De Marquis:

About the dialogue:
It's still my weakest aspect yet. While writing dialogue has much improved compared to my earliest attempts in scriptwriting, that is The Cavern/Into the Dark Unknown, and the earlier drafts of Prodigious Paragons, it still needs improvement.

The reason why the dialogue is sometimes clunky, formal, stating-the-fact and overly loquacious because I was taught in writing essays, not creative writing. Plus, I stopped watching movies and animated series after a certain point to focus on essay writing.

About the scene descriptors:
Writing scene descriptions, especially the backgrounds and its associated objects, is limited because space that can be used for the plot is a premium and it's important to keep the script readable. As a result, I can only offer vague details in the form of a feeling.

As stated previously, I was trained in writing essays, not full-length scripts. I only learned scriptwriting by imitating excerpts of film scripts that I found and read off the Internet.

Good scriptwriting is harder than simple prose, I think.

Here is some simple, yet effective advice regarding writing dialogue.

Here's a bit that I think is esp. appropriate for your work:

"Give each character a unique voice (and keep them consistent)

If there is more than one character with a speaking role in your work, give each a unique voice. You can do this by varying their vocabulary, their speech’s pace and rhythm, and the way they tend to react to dialogue.

Keep each character’s voice consistent throughout the story by continuing to write them in the style you established. When you go back and proofread your work, check to make sure each character’s voice remains consistent—or, if it changed because of a perspective-shifting event in the story, make sure that this change fits into the narrative and makes sense. One way to do this is to read your dialogue aloud and listen to it. If something sounds off, revise it."

And here is a really good guide to writing scene descriptions in a screenplay. Best piece of advice?

"How do you write scene descriptions in a screenplay? You write scene descriptions in a script by explaining the location, action of the character, and the characteristics of the people of that scene in the most visual way possible."

And finally, I think you need help writing emotion effectively. Sometimes, your characters seem flat and superficial. The reason, I think, is because you don't action to express your characters emotions effectively. Each character should engage in different actions that are typical for them, because that expresses how they feel. This article will help you.

"How do you write emotions in a screenplay? Through character action. You write emotions in a script by writing in an action line, an action a character would take associated with said emotion."

I hope that some of this was helpful.

just to jump on the "unique voice" bit:

in film school, one of my professors told us to cover up the character names and have someone (or you, because scriptwriting is a lonely profession at times) read one dialogue aloud

can you immediately tell it's something a character would say and not what another char would? is it important and stands out from, say, some background character discussing something else?

it's better to have someone else read a character's lines but in general even you reading them aloud works

it also helps cut down on something that would sound, as the kids say, narmy

A critique of "Murmurs" coming up soon.

Ok, so the latest round of feedback on "Murmurs":

I think you have progressed to the point where overall general advice on the work as a whole is no longer required. You should take it as a sign of your improvement that I now feel ready to give feedback on a scene by scene basis. I can't do the entire 95 page script, of course, but I am willing to review the first dozen or so pages of it, which should be enough to give you an idea how to improve every scene. OK, here we go:

Page 2; Santhy’s Bedroom:

“Santhy walks to her personal washroom.” When she walks into the shower from her bedroom, this creates an additional, unnecessary scene. The shower itself is unnecessary. Just cut that part and combine the two bedroom scenes.

“She slightly recognizes the girl in the photograph.” Telling, not showing. We can’t visually see “slightly recognizes”. Describe the change in her facial expression. You don’t have to be super detailed, just some general guidance for the Director/Actress.

Page 3; Classroom:

Again, you need to describe the scene, incl. the students there (what are they doing? How do they look, sound like?).

Here you are introducing some new characters, including Leonard Ng, Melissa, and Pascal. In each case, they need identifying visual characteristics or mannerisms that give clues to their personality.

For example, Leonard seems uptight and authoritarian. His appearance and personal mannerisms should reflect that. White shirt buttoned to the collar, glasses with thick black rims, lips tightly pursed, like that. You should spend some time thinking about how he reads the poem (don't just have the students do it, you need to reveal some aspects of Ng's personality and this is the perfect opportunity to do so). I myself can think of at least two approaches: 1) Stiffly in a monotone, consistent with his appearance, or 2) Suddenly empassioned, hinting at a different personality underneath, and perhaps a secret. I personally prefer the second, but it's up to you, perhaps you can think of another way that appeals to you better. Whatever you decide, use the opportunity to develop Ng's character a little.

Pascal seems like a little twerp, yet neither girl calls him out on it. Later, we will see some evidence that Santhy and he are friends. A little bit of foreshadowing of that would be appropriate here.

You dont do much with Melissa except have her express her fear and anxiety, which is appropriate so far as it goes, but I think she needs a little personality. How she expresses her fear and anxiety should reflect on who she is as a person. So—in your mind, as the author, what kind of person is she? How can you use her mannerisms to express that?

Page 6; School Cafeteria:

Again, you need to describe the scene. Remember that you are giving instructions to the production team. They require some guidance. What does this space look like, sound like? Ask yourself how this helps set up the overall tone of the rest of the scene.

Now Pascal and Santhy are acting like friends—are they? If so, then he should act like it. A little bit of sensitivity toward her could help explain the basis of their relationship.

Reading a physical newspaper still seems out of place in a modern school. I get the drama of a newspaper slamming on a table, but a tablet would be more consistent with the time and place.

I like that you changed the girl’s dialogue to be more casual and young-adult, and that Pascal is more formal and objective as a character than they are, but if S and P are friends in some sense (and if they aren’t, why is he approaching her at lunch?), then he has to loosen up somewhat. Perhaps he can express some familiarity with S’s interests and feelings. “I know you like this kind of thing” in reference to the news article, and “Are you ok?” when she looks anxious.

Santhy needs to react a little more. She was assertive with Melissa (talking to her during class, and inviting her over to her house), to be consistent she need to be a little more assertive with Pascal. This will also make the scene a little longer and more interesting.

Page 7; Hallway: Several problems here.

Introducing Carol, the police detective. The audience doesn’t know this about her yet, but you need to provide some clues in her appearance. Female police officers in the US wear slacks, “Tuxedo” is the wrong word, I think you meant “Sport Coat” (the kind a man might wear with a tie), she might be wearing an off-white blouse or maybe a turtleneck under it, and you might want to give her a feminine touch, such as a pearl necklace or some such. She’s obviously wearing formal attire, yet with some individuality to it: a typical female professional.

Introducing Harris: no janitor could get away with what he does here. Just whistling alone could get him fired, let alone comments like that. That doesn’t mean that you can’t depict him doing these things, but the audience is going to want some reason why she doesn’t just turn him in. Perhaps she can respond with shame and embarrassment instead of anger and defiance. That would provide a motivation for her to keep his treatment a secret, and leave the audience with even more antipathy toward the character.

If you go this way, it will create a contrast to her more assertive behavior in earlier scenes with her friends. I think that’s a positive—it makes the harsh treatment she received from Harris seem even more harmful, to have such an effect on an otherwise vivacious young woman. Play it up.

Page 10; Kwok residence:

Who is Santhy introducing herself to? It doesn’t seem plausible that Melissa’s parents do not know who their daughter’s friends at school are, and the police officer has already met her (unless this is formal polite behavior, since they weren’t introduced. If so, you should make that clearer).

What follows this is an “exposition dump”, where a character describes things for the audience that the other characters in the scene should already know. It comes across as a bit clumsy here because I imagine that the audience will have guessed most of this already. Perhaps it would be a little smoother if Carol instructs Melissa to fill Santhy in. Then there is Santhy’s reaction to being told:

“My mind is just processing the events that transpired.”

Nope, not a natural response at all, esp. for a teenaged girl. “Oh my God, Melissa!” would be more in character. Santhy should be asking Melissa if she is ok. It would make more sense if it’s Santhy and Melissa who hold hands. The main reason to have Santhy in this scene is to help inform the audience regarding the advancing plot, but that’s not the only reason. We want an emotional reaction here, to create a feeling of drama and to help promote a rising sense of suspense later on. This is heavy stuff, and some character in the scene should express that, so the audience has someone to relate to. That character is Santhy. So play up her need to connect to and support her friend. Feel free to have Melissa cry in Santhy’s arms, with the sympathetic adults looking on.

Page 13; Flogging Room

Scene description! It makes a great deal of difference to the tone of this scene whether it takes place in a dark, dank space of shadows, or an antiseptic white hospital room with overhead florescent lighting, or some other aesthetic. Pick something and describe it.

I am assuming that we do not see the Assailant’s face, since that would give the reveal away, but you should still state that in the scene description.

Page 14; Santhy’s Bedroom

Too short, you need to do more with this scene. What you are doing here is making clear to the audience that there is some sort of connection between Santhy and Nancy. We need more of a reaction from Santhy. Perhaps she can finish the scene with some shocked monologue in front of a mirror, or something like that. Whatever approach you use, Santhy should express a combination of disbelief, belief, fear and optimism. “How do I help you?” would be a good line here.

Page 14; School Entrance/Sandwich Bar

I don’t know why this conversation is divided into two different locations. It will be easier for the audience to follow if it isn’t. You could pick to sidewalk in front of the school, or you can pick to sandwich shop, or some third location, but you should probably condense these two scenes into one.

Pascal, I see, is back to being an ass. I think it would be more consistent to have him express himself in a more sensitive way toward the end of the scene, as he prepares to hand Santhy the card (by the way, I find it intriguing that he apparently carries the business card of a therapist around with him). He may not believe her, but he can be nice about it. He thinks she needs help, and he wants her to get it. By the way, I don’t think there is any compelling reason to keep the card hidden from the audience. Revealing it at the end of the scene, as Santhy examines it, provides a nice sense of closure, and makes sense of Pascal’s actions.

I think that’s enough for now. I can’t review all 95 pages at this level of detail, and I’m starting to repeat myself enough that I think you can extrapolate the advice I’ve given so far to the rest of the work. Besides, this review is long enough already, and I’m getting tired.

In general this is a very strong work. The characterization is strong, the plot is reasonably tight, if a bit predictable, and the setting is detailed in a consistent way. I’m going to read the rest of it, even though I might not write up any more comments, it’s that engaging to read that I want to see the rest of it. I think you should keep working on this until you are satisfied with it. I wish you luck.

If you have questions about specific aspects or scenes in your script, please feel free to ask me here in the thread, or by PM.

I might go ahead and provide some more overall feedback at a later date, but I’m not sure right now when I will have the time for that.

Edited by DeMarquis on Jan 29th 2023 at 3:28:21 PM

Thanks for the feedback.

I reedited the few scenes based on your advice. The scenes should probably flow better now. Right now, I am working on another script, but I will revise on the Murmurs script for the time being if I hold the time.

For you, feel free to read more about the script. You'll notice major and heavy changes applied to the script during the re-write. If you have the time, post your feedback either on this forum or in the PMs.

Should I provide critique for the above, like "See if the above poster hooked you" before I submit anything to the feedback request list?

I'm asking because the two weeks is up and this might be super dead.

Edited by WorkingOnBeingGood on Aug 23rd 2023 at 9:09:30 AM

I think you should place an entry in the Con Crit sandbox first. Afterwards, feel free to critique the previous entry.

I can't access Murmurs. So I guess I'm off the hook?

I'll let you pass. Can I remove my entry from the Con Crit sandbox?

Lol, I just realized that is you.

Sure?

My submission was bad, so this is awkward.

https://smallpdf.com/file#s=a690b31f-8ec2-4658-8fa3-2e8a37d668a9 I wish to know if I have portrayed the 1979 Sydney Ghost Train fire sensitively enough, and to know if this is appropriate for tweens/teens.

I don't think this is the appropriate thread for your question. If you want to contribute to this thread, you should put in a critique of a work posted in the Con Crit sandbox.

Here we go with the script for "Anime Movie"

I will be the first to admit that I don't really get this. I'm not a hardcore fan of anime (I stopped watching it sometime in the '90's), so a lot of the references and shout outs are going right over my head. I can offer feedback in terms of your standard animated movie script, but if at various points I appear clueless, that's because I am.

Which seques directly to the first question: what audience is this movie intended for? If it's supposed to be a niche parody that only insiders would get, fair enough. If you are intending to market this for general audiences, that's something else.

I will not critique the entire script, because that is too much. Instead I will go far enough into it that most of my major points will be made (I read up to page 40).

So, script critique:

Page 1, Hilly Forest

Character Introduction: When you introduce a new character, include age (for children), a quick one to three word description of their appearance (unless their appearance is plot relevant, then we need more), and a very quick one to two sentence description of what they are doing. Here, we need a quick physical description of Akira, bearing in mind that outer appearance is expected to reflect inner character. That is, we only need to be informed of those physical characteristics that do, in fact, reflect what type of person he is going to be later in the story.

We also need a quick description of the setting, bearing in mind that the aesthetic characteristics are supposed to make a comment in some way on the theme of the work. A comedic setting looks one way, a horrific setting looks another way, a parody looks a third way, and so on. Here, we have a comedic parody, so the setting should be greatly exaggerated in a way that anime fans would recognize and sets the scene, but we have a problem. What purpose does opening in the forest serve in this context? Nothing plot relevant happens here, and no character spends any time in a forest or natural setting after this (so far as I know).

I suggest that you use this to create as stark a contrast with the following scene as possible. Akira goes from a peaceful naturalistic setting to a violent one in which his family has been killed. So play up the pastoral peacefulness as much as you can. Have him feed an animal or pet a rabbit or something.

Page 1, Akira's Homestead

Again, we need this scene to be as sappy as possible, to serve as a hyperbolic contrast with what follows. We need some cute, homey interaction among these family members before they are all violently killed. However, I have a problem with this entire opening set up. I think it moves too quickly, and has too little connection to what follows.

This scene cuts out in the middle of the fight and cuts to another character (Betty), who ends up following her kidnapped little brother into Anima World. Several scenes later, we cut to Kenny, the kidnapped brother, who becomes the point of view character for most of the rest of the script, excepting some scenes that focus on the antagonist, and some on his sister, who eventually meets up with Akira (so far as I can see, no explanation of what happened at the end of the fight scene is given).

Plot-wise, this is a mess. I can't tell who the hero is, I can't tell if the scenes of violent death are supposed to be funny or serious, and I can't tell if anything anyone does is supposed to matter. There are several characters who appear, interact with the scene's point of view character, and then die violently. Even in a parody, scenes in which a character dies or suffers harm should have some emotional impact, which won't happen unless we get to know a character first. An exception is when a random bystander dies in a funny way, but if that was the case here, I didn't get the joke. When random bystanders die in funny ways, they shouldn't do anything plot relevant first, because that makes them a more important character.

Here's an example—before Betty appears in Amine World, we are introduced to a character called Timmie, who is crossing the street while playing a game on his tablet. Suddenly, Betty falls to the ground, causing Timmie to be flung into a dumpster. That's all we ever see of him—so far as I know, he never comes back. Why is he in this story to begin with? His scene wasn't humorous enough to justify as a joke, and nothing plot relevant happens, yet he interacts (however briefly) with one of the main characters.

The entire script is like this. In one of Kenny's scenes, a character called Nanase appears apparently out of nowhere, and almost immediately dies an extremely violent and painful death. We weren't given enough time to get to know her, and therefore care about her death, and yet there also seems to be nothing especially funny about it (maybe I'm missing the joke). In another scene we see Velma from Scooby Doo apparently being beaten to death by someone named Kaito. She gets one line in before expiring. Why? What purpose is that serving within the story? The one line goes: "Jinkies! I won’t so smarmy and snarky like how David Zaslav mandated."

Now, I can tell that this is a reference to something, but I have no idea who Zaslay is. So either I'm too old and clueless to get the jokes in this script, or your brand of humor is too esoteric, or both. For all I know, the people you hang out with would find this hilarious, but I can't.

And you know what? That's fine. I may not be the right person to critique this, and if so, then you should find someone from your target demographic to be your beta reader. You would get more value out of that. But if your intention was to offer this for general audiences, I can say that most people won't find this appealing. The overall plot is interesting enough (eventually Kenny escapes on his own), but there are too many one scene characters and too much senseless violence to engage someone like me.

I'm not sure if a scene by scene critique would do any good here. I can see that I will just end up saying the same things over and over. You don't provide sufficient physical descriptions of the characters upon their introduction (we only find out that the primary antagonist has tentacles until he uses them to do something), characters enter a scene do something, leave, and never reappear with no apparent rhyme or reason, and what seem to be anime references are flying way over my head.

I need some feedback from you. What was your intent in writing this script? Who is it for, and what kind of story are you writing?

~De Marquis:

The script was written as an attempt to write a Genre Throwback to the parody genre such as Blazing Saddles, Airplane!, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Scary Movie, and Kung Pow! Enter the Fist, as spoofing terrible Live Action Adaptations of anime such as The Last Airbender and Dragonball Evolution.

The film, as envisioned, was aimed at a general audience. The film is supposed to be live-action, with actors dressed in costumes and acting out spoofs. The premise is relatively simple - "A young girl arrives in another world and fights her way to save her younger brother from aliens."

Yet somehow, the script was bloated and riddled with unfunny gags and excessive references. Additionally, you also pointed a few severe weaknesses in the script. I don't know what to do with this, because it would be easier to scrap the entire script for being unfilmmabe and unworkable.

Well, it's up to you. If you wanted to keep it, time for some massive editing. You might want to look at it as a training exercise—it would teach you a lot about writing tight scenes. But only you can decide how your time is best invested.

If you continue with it, be sure to submit the revised version here. I would like to see it.

~De Marquis:

Here is the revised version of the Anime Movie script - Anime Movie. I removed several lengthy segments that did not contribute to the plot as well scenes of senseless death and poorly-written jokes.

For Sugarp1e1 Just for the record, I read up your story, Contract, only up to the prologue and the first two chapters for the critique. This should provide a basis in improving your writing skills.

The prose is very standard and tolerable. Nothing too florid or too terse, just the right balance between them. However, I recommend you take general advice on writing, as I discovered certain elements of your writing that disrupts the narrative flow and immersion.

For example, in the prologue chapter, there's an instance of repeating the initial lines for two different sensory description. Repetition is fine when you need to emphasize things, but in this instance, the repetition of the initial lines feels unnecessary and clutters it. Here's an excerpt from the story (Repetition is bolded by me for reference):

I recommend rewording the paragraphs to eliminate repetition and make the sentence more flowing. Use this rewritten one as an example:

Can you read how the narrative flows more naturally than the one you written?

Another issue with the prose is the certain instances of loquacious exposition that eventually segues into a Wall of Text. It's very much an eyesore to read and makes the text look cluttered. This is not a good writing habit. Exposition should be succint and illustrates an idea to the reader.

Take this excerpt from chapter one for example:

The narrative does not need to go so far as how the character thinks of humans. The prose of this paragraph is too cluttered with too many sentences in one go without spacing.

Space the paragraph in half and remove words you think it's irrelevant to what the paragraph intends to say while you reword it. You'll see the difference. Take the rewritten version as an example:

Aside from the certain issues with the prose and only reading up to a certain point of the story, I think the story is very interesting and creative. The prologue needs to expand on the setting of the story, and the first two chapters effectively introduce the protagonist Diandra and the mysterious fantasy premise you novel is based on. Although I'm not a fan of fantasy fiction, so take some of my advice with a grain of salt.

Currently, I am looking over Adept's script for Legacy of Shadows.

I'm only on page 2, but I can already tell you that your transition is too abrupt. We need more setting establishment before fading to the boy. You need to provide enough time to establish a mood for an audience. I assume you are going for a contrast between the peaceful park/young woman and the weapon being fired at the end of the scene. This doesn't necessarily require a lot of rewriting: it might be as easy as describing aspects of the park or the woman that will appear "peaceful" or "happy", "tranquil", "relaxing" or what have you.

Also, describing the model of the weapon is inappropriate for script description, unless the model name is going to be revealed to the audience. Describe the appearance of the gun in terms of it's emotional aesthetics. Is it a big, dark, intimidating weapon or a light, slim, elegant weapon, or what is it?

Finally, is the audience meant to suspect that the sniper was killed? If so, then a cut to black might work well (even if, later, we discover that the sniper wasn't killed).

It's my first time trying to write an interesting opening scene. I've learned from you on how to write a captivating and effective opening sequence thanks to your advice on Murmurs. This evolution can be observed from the opening of the parody movie, Anime Movie. I'm glad you managed to point out what's so weak about the scene. I was wondering why it was so uninteresting to read.