Tips&Hints RQ: Writing a sibling

Here's the issue - I'm an only child. This, while being a blessing, has deprived me of sibling interaction. Now I am aware of the cliche's, as well as the way the troupe goes, but I want to ask for a more...personal opinion.

What makes an awesome younger/older sibling?

An alternate reality, probably. Off the top of my head I can count four younger/older sibling relationships I got to witness first hand, and the dominant ingredient in none of them was one sibling thinking the other one is awesome. Here they are:

Pair 1: They rarely ever talk. They have similar interests, but since the family fell apart and the little sister went to a boarding school far away, their connection more or less disappeared. He did a lot for her back then so that she can even get away from their broken family in the first place, and they had a big falling-out when she started dating someone way too old for his taste and refused to stop, despite his insistence in trying to persuade her otherwise.

Pair 2: Their family has been through a lot of financial trouble. He's generally a disagreeable human being, though he's tried to improve, and she has OCD. He still lives with his parents and this creates a lot of tension between him, his parents and her; he resents her for being an example he's supposed to follow. There's no love lost between them.

Pair 3: Their nigh-identical demeanor, interests, attitude and character feel almost incestuous. They are never apart, they're each other's best friend in the world, but they also enable each other and keep each other away from ever changing or growing up. It's an open secret that one of them is very frustrated that no one even thinks of him as his own person.

Pair 4: He essentially had to raise her, in lieu of her single mother who was working two jobs to put food on the table and had no time to give them. His idea of how to do it was military-esque punishments and he generally had all the judgment of a 14-year-old in going about it. She will never forgive him for this, but she still believes they need to have a connection because family is more important than anything else. In spite of that, right now they are not speaking to each other because of a falling-out having to do with a favor he promised her and then took back when she didn't seem thankful enough about it to him. He thinks she's over-sensitive and has a huge sense of entitlement; she thinks he's a hypocrite without a shred of self-awareness.

As far as my personal experience goes, this kind of thing is what a sibling relationship is about. I really hope someone happens upon this thread who has happier stories for you.

edited 5th Feb '12 4:29:17 AM by TripleElation

Step 1: Fight over stupid things

Step 2: Say horrible things to each other

Step 3: Leave each other

Step 4: Act like nothing has happened and get along splendidly

This, though steps 2 and 3 are optional. Siblings can fight over absolutely anything. With your friends, you'd find it utterly stupid to get into a fight over some things. Not with your siblings.

Also, bargaining (and/or blame shifting). Chores always need to be done, and you will never be able to agree on who should do it. It doesn't matter who did that chore last time. There are always arguments for the other side. And the bargaining will surely last more than it would take one of you to just get the chore done, but that doesn't matter, I'm not going to do your work.

edited 5th Feb '12 8:41:21 AM by Dealan

Love, hate; frustration, satisfaction; cold-hearted assaults, warm support; distance and closeness... this is mix can be found with all siblings. It depends on the individual personalities of the siblings in question what the ratios are. That's basically it.

Even those who're quite distant will usually know which buttons to push to get any given result. Years of practice. The same years of practice means the other knows their buttons are being pushed, and can probably work out why. It can get... interesting.

Cliche as it may sound, Sibling Yin-Yang is definitely a real thing. Sometimes it's to the point where it's an enforced trope; in my case, one brother may revile something the other loves out of spite, and we're both willing to debate our sides/opinions at the drop of a hat.

See also: Boke and Tsukkomi Routine and Red Oni, Blue Oni.

Oh, and also, some siblings are great at figuring out what the other is saying.

You know, that thing with the thing?

The fishie thing?

Yeah! That thing!

How far apart are these siblings in age?

There'll also generally be unspoken but well-known (at least to the siblings) roles among the siblings, based on both personality and age. For instance, my older sister and I are two years apart; I was the "spokesperson", meaning that if we were making a joint decision, I'd be the one to voice the decision to whoever was asking.

If they're close, they'll probably be able to communicate non-verbally (understand the other's thoughts with only a glance, etc.), as well as doing what AHR mentioned above ().

From personal experience, ~1-3 years age difference = close (though this doesn't mean no fighting), play together, join together against the outside world, etc.; ~4-6 years age difference = lots and lots of arguing and not much else; ~7+ years = very little fighting, almost a bit more of a mentor relationship. Of course, the precise relationships are going to depend on the circumstances and personalities of those involved.

And they will always know whose toys are whose (or at least which toys are theirs and not theirs). Even if they're mingled in a group that anyone can play with anytime. Even if said intermingled group has been packed up and sat untouched for ten years. They still remember.

Yeah - mutually understood banter is a big part of a sibling's life. If you're brought up close enough together, that is. Even if you hate the other's guts, you'll know them inside and out if there is no more than 6 years either way.

You'll also know who is better to use (and how to use them) to get something out of your parents (uncles and aunts count, too) for any given situation. That is about the only time polar-opposite siblings will work well together. Some very ad hoc strategy decisions can take about 5 seconds with only minimal eye-contact.

Expect squabbling, however, if they actually get what they were after. Divvying up the spoils? Trigger!

My brother and I can decode our 'shorthand' messages and texts to each other. Practically nobody else can, as we don't use standard slang. What's worse, I can work out his passwords in next-to-no time. I very strongly suspect he can do the same for mine. Although, he's too nice to rub this fact in my face.

Oh, the joys of being older... I own no such compunctions. But, I love him - so, I've never actually hacked into anything of his. Just threatened to.

My only instance of Strange Minds Think Alike was with my sister.

We're ten years apart. We get along much, much better now that we don't live in the same house and she's old enough for me to regard her as a real person.

It also makes you really good at charades like games. the board game Cranium for instance, when my sister and I are partners, we always own.

Of course, that's just us. If we're partnered, our opponents are also partnered siblings, and someone has to lose...

Also goes for games like Taboo.

A sibling is someone who knows you better than you'd like, who you've probably annoyed enough that they'll use that knowledge, but who has those same weaknesses- the older one knows more, though. OR A sibling is someone who you've been friends with forever- oh, and they live in your house, who you have all those little inside jokse with, who understands you when nobody else knows what you're talking about.

Or, all of the above - often at the same time.

It depends pretty greatly on the type of home environment, the age difference, and the genders of the siblings.

At least in my personal experience as an older brother to a sister younger by about two years, my sister and I tend to have a close relationship, and we've never really fought a whole lot. As someone mentioned, most siblings probably have a lot of in-jokes.

I'm the youngest in my family, and my siblings are at least 10 years older than me. My brother is 12 years older; my sister, 10. I consider them as my surrogate parents, if anything, especially when our family broke up and my parents never met each other again.

edited 5th Feb '12 7:33:26 PM by judasmartel

Oh yeah, as other said, tons of in-jokes and memes that no one else knows about.

And since they know you pretty much better than anybody else, they know exactly where to hit you in order to have an effect. My brother used to be able to make me immediately shut up by saying some things, until I realised he was doing it and learned to ignore it.

Oh, and it also means they take more shit. Sometimes.

My sister is naturally pissy, I'm naturally rowdy.

She can be an outright bitch to me. I kinda just go with it. Back when we went to the same school, I'd judge on whether we would be talking on how she acted. She'd usually just lie on the kitchen floor in a tired manner. Sometimes I would make her a sandwich.

POINT IS, we act in ways that you just don't do with other people.

In my experience, the sibling relationship is a (hopefully) non-romantic version of Belligerent Sexual Tension. A good chunk their interaction time involves trolling each other, arguing over the slightest things, making veiled threats, making obvious threats, fighting for dominance, matching wits, figuratively butting heads, literally butting heads, and generally being dicks to each other. They say and do horrible things to each other all the time. And yet, by some miracle, this is what makes their bond strong. In the house, they fight each other, but on the road, they fight together.

My experience, on the other hand, had sibling relationships work in a similar vein to a military hierarchy. Of course, the parents are the bosses of the home, so the eldest sibling is often directly answerable to the parents. Meaning, all the younger siblings have to do whatever s/he says unless the parents say otherwise. On the flip side, however, the eldest sibling is responsible for hir younger siblings, to the extent that they would outgo marriage to help all hir siblings finish their education and take care of hir parents in their old age.

Thus, the eldest sibling is given the most responsibilities at home, as s/he's basically the parent to hir younger siblings when the parents are not around.

Yup - it's a known phenomenal noted in Psychological text books. Older siblings are often more prone to anxiety disorders (and trying to hide them) than the younger ones.

This is partially down to the fact their parents were relatively new to the parenting game when they were growing up, and some of their uncertainty was communicated in slightly contradictory training behaviour that the younger ones rarely get to see. And, partially down to the fact that they do have to bear responsibility for the younger ones.

However, there is a major perk to being the older one: a greater chance to have more parental input in the younger years (even if it is slightly neurotic). The greater the initial input, the better the cognitive development. And, you get the goods first, of course.

Having said that, middle and younger siblings have their own sets of issues/ perks.

Or, to paraphrase one exchange with my sister:

Her: Hey, [JHM], you know that guy with the hair?
Me: Which guy with the hair?
Her: You know, he has that... *gesture* hair.
Me: Oh, you mean [name]?
Her: Yeah, [name].
Me: He does that thing, right?
Her: Yeah, he does.