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Dan - appearance-Dark skin, black hair, business suit(with the buttons removed, the collar ripped off, and parts of sleeves ripped), patched up pants, socks Blank eyes notes Smart, weak, fast, breakable Weapons- revolver, kitchen knife

Setting-A world that is screwed up,but in a way unchanged(hard to explain).

Friends- The only person he had a CHANCE to talk to is An, a friendly redhaired redneck that uses a bat really well

Role- a main character, with details shrouded in mystery

Backstory/Personality-A person wanted for murders of important officials, Dan has a huge bounty for his head. In truth, not a lot of people know if he actually DID commit the murders, but that does not matter, for they are to busy drooling at the bounty. Despite all this, Dan manages to smile and walk away like nothing happened. Not a blank smile, a sleazy, mischievous, yet somewhat bored smile. Dan does not kill for fun, and always thinks before he acts. Too bad NO ONE seems to give him a chance to think, so he shoots anyways. In truth that bounty does not matter to him. It does not matter whether he dies or not, he just needs to stay alive for now because he has a goal. He's out to get someone, and nobody knows why. But it seems to be a child(who might not be what he seems). Only 3 major roadblocks affect him. Said prize, his friend An, who wants to know why, and a masked creature thing with 2 rusty swords.

He is technically a zombie. When a test subject of a secret unauthorized program died, he was struck by lightning right after. But he was not the same person, he became a totally different being in the same body.It has perks, but now he is ultra sensitive to pain. A normal cut would feel more painful to Dan than to a normal person. A bruise would feel like an open wound. A punch would feel like a tank ran over him. You get the idea. And despite all this, he does not whine, he never puts on a blank face(despite his blank eyes), and when life throws him a problem, he ignores it, and walks away. But if that fails, the answer is gun.

How he got wanted- The Organization agreed to set up a meeting with an important official. But after the place was set on fire by Dan(who was recently revived), lots of the people there died. A police officer just happened to pass by, and saw Dan holding the burnt corpse of the official. He ran away, but the officer was able to bring a picture and a body. At first it was hard to believe, but after a riot caused by the other subjects, and a sighting of Dan near the place, they had to believe it, and pinned Dan as the leader. And since the killstreak has risen over the years, it has only gotten worse.

edited 16th Oct '11 5:12:55 AM by eternalNoob

@Eternal Noob:

For starters, your setting bit is completely unhelpful. Also, is his friend's name really supposed to be An and not Anne?

The two biggest problems with the character himself though, are that the zombification via lightning strike is frankly really dumb, and the high pain sensitivity seems also really dumb considering how often this guy gets into fights - how would he have even survived one fight?

Dear guy in front of me

Sorry about the setting, i meant

A world that has not advanced in 20 years

Yes, it is An

And While lightning reviving a dead body is pretty DUMB, it's kind of like a homage to classic tales

Besides, doesn't the pain sensitivity make things a little interesting?

edited 20th Oct '11 5:15:59 AM by eternalNoob

I rather think it would mean that he can't even put his trousers on without screaming in pain. Your brain doesn't categorize things into "hurts" and "doesn't hurt" based on whether it's meant to hurt. If a punch actually, literally feels like getting hit by a train, I shudder to imagine what running feels like. If you want to give him a weakness, that's fine, but preferably something that isn't triggered by him sitting down too fast.

On the subject of An, misspelling a name by one letter doesn't make you look original; it makes you look like you can't spell. If you're going to do the My Nayme Is thing, you gotta do it whole hog so it looks like you spelled it that way on purpose.

Also:

There are some people with the name An

Character sheet

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Science Fiction military drama.
• Setting: Alternate History World War One

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Nikola Altomanovic (<— the c has an accent, but the forum software fucks it up if I leave it in).
• Race: White (Serbian)
• Age: Mid-30s (specifics unknown)
• Appearance: Middle height (5'10-6 foot), serious burn scares across body, trim, muscular build—evidence of a military career—and distinctly brown eyes.
• Desired role in story: Anti-Villain/Villain Protagonist

c) Relationship:

• Identity of and relationship with father: Minor nobility, mid-level military officer. Relationship was amicable, but distant.
• Identity of and relationship with mother: Mother died in child birth.
• Love interest: Wife, deceased.
• Enemies both major and minor: Respect for a slight few, sympathy for some, and abject hate and disdain for their leadership.

d) Character details:

• Character history: Nikola was a bright child, out-going and charismatic, and entered the Kingdom of Serbia's military as an establishment darling, with high hopes pinned on him by many. However, the Balkan War of 1914 came knocking much too soon, and Nikola, though he performed well, was not able to stop the massive military-industrial complex of the Austro-Hungarian Empire from steamrolling his country in only three short years. Afflicted with horrific wounds and losing all four of his limbs to amputation, Nikola attempted suicide when—finally—he learned of the death of his wife at the hands of Austro-Hungarian soldiers. Unable to carry out with this plan due to cowardice, his mind broke, and he spent a substantial amount of time in self-inflicted exile.
  • Upon the ignition of the Great War of 1921, he returned to the Balkans and harnessed what contacts and skills he had to begin a minor crime spree in the Austro-Hungarian-controlled Balkan States. Mysterious and attractive to the populace at large, Nikola soon amassed a large following, and became a major threat to the Austro-Hungarian Empire—itself under siege by the mighty Russian Empire—resulting in a cataclysmic conflict that ended in general chaos upon Nikola's death. In five short years, he brought himself up from a forgotten and broken fallen hero to a(n in)famous revolutionary, known as much for his brutality and ruthlessness as he was for his cunning planning skills and methodical stylishness in waging war.
• Skills and abilities: Skilled at marksmanship, increased strength and dexterity thanks to artificial limbs, and superior planning abilities.
• Personality: Hard and uncompromising, as well as ruthlessly efficient. Has the capacity for friendship and fellowship, but after his time in the Serbian Army he lost much of his compassion for his fellow man.
• Goal, dream and motivation: Revenge on anyone and everyone he can find in the upper echelons of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, as well as freedom for his people and the whole of the Balkans.
• First appearance: Attacking a meeting of several mid-level Austro-Hungarian noblemen and women, during which he succeeds in killing all of them and destroying the area they met in, all with one bullet and strategically placed explosives.
• Last appearance: Failed attempt to assassinate Emperor Franz Ferdinand of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and succumbing to a trap laid by the Austro-Hungarian Army.

e) Character trivia: His initial design was based on Rorschach, but has taken on elements from Slender Man and the fashion of the period.

edited 22nd Oct '11 8:45:55 PM by USAF713

Hrm, I want to give him a 9 but hearing he is based partially on Rorschach makes me hesitant as I am one of the few who does not actually like Rorschach in any way.

But I have quite a fondness for everthing else you mentioned and I rather like his sympathetic origins and the whole AU WW 1 feel. I think I am not so great at these reviews but that's my overall impression. I can give a follow-up if there's something specific you want responded to about the character.

And here's a character of mine that I think could use some work.

Character sheet

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Steampunk but in a Victorian-1930s setting with external combustion engines and electricity rather than steam. Also, there is magic and magitek.

• Setting: A city underground.

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Owen
• Race: White
• Age: 26
• Appearance: Light brown hair, brown eyes, sideburns. Average to thin weight without being particularly muscular. He's roughly 5'11". Wears brown waistcoat with white pinstripes, white button shirt usually with rolled sleeves, brown pants and work boots.
• Desired role in story: Reverse engineering weapons and other general purpose machines and designing new ones. Otherwise aiding the dissidant faction commonly called "technologists".

c) Relationship:

• Identity of and relationship with father: (deceased in a massive cave-in of their section of the city)
• Identity of and relationship with mother: (deceased i nthe same)
• Identity of and relationship with siblings: (none)
• Other relatives: (none living/known)
• Friends and acquaintance: Lillian, builds most of what Owen designs. Thomas, more or less raised him though their relationship isn't quite Father-son. Joel (pronounced Joe-elle), who functions as something between an informant on the activites of the city police and the base security guard. Nathaniel, provides paycheck. John, "that irritating, useless guy who's not quite useless enough to get rid of".
• Love interest: (none)
• Enemies both major and minor: Primarily the the city police and the sentinels. The "mayor" (god I need a better word) of the city and

d) Character details:

• Character history: Raised in Sector 7 of the city until erosion damage from the river running through the sector above (Sector 5) caused a collapse. While the above sector eventually the city constructed a new "flooring" (and by extension a new "roof" of Sector 7) and Sector 5 was rebuilt the new path of the river was deemed too difficult to reroute and the sector never saw reconstruction. This later provided a place for the technologist movement to take hold as it was largely uninhabited (except by the very determined) and largely unpoliced. The man who would come to lead the technologist movement provided resources to the survivors of the disaster of which Owen was one. He began to attempt to repay the kindness by providing parts salvages from excursions into the caverns outside the city bounds. As he got older he began studying texts on the old machines and combined with careful study of the machines he collected parts from he came to do a decent job with reverse engineering and designing machinery useful to the technologists. At this point Owen more less came to be accepted as simply another technologist by both those in the movement and the city security. He still lives in Sector 7 in one of the few buildings still above the flood waters.
• Skills and abilities: He knows machines pretty good and isn't bad with a pistol.
• Personality: Friendly to most and reasonably outgoing, a cautious sort though he does not mind taking risks as long as they seem necessary. Though proud of his mechanical skills he occasionally finds himself frustrated that he lacks skills that are considered of worth by the city at large.
• Goal, dream and motivation: Once when he was very young he heard a story about the founding of the city and what the founders hoped to achieve. The reality is a far cry from that and he wants to see if that original goal for the city is a possible reality.

edited 23rd Oct '11 1:49:21 PM by TheFedoraPirate

My opinion of Rorschach is complicated. I loved the character, but his morality was... hit-and-miss. He was definitely a sociopath, but an interesting one, and one who occasionally had good points. This character was born partially out of an idea of "how can I do someone like Rorschach, but with different motivations," and he ended up like if Rorschach and V got together and raised a kid.

Nah, that's alright, 'tis helpful in its own right.

Let's see...

Numeric Score: ~7-8/10

• Character personality: This depends entirely on whether he's intended to be the protagonist. As a main character, he works as-is, but he could be fleshed out a lot more—just going by what is here—if he's the protagonist.
• Character backstory: Makes sense. At least, from what I could infer given the background details.
• Setting appropriateness: Also makes sense, given the genre.
• Role appropriateness: Seems like he'd play the in-story function just fine; couldn't say from a narrative standpoint whether or not he works, because it depends on what he is.

Ah, I probably should have mentioned he is the main character, yes.

I am actually a bit dissatisfied with his personality myself, which is most definitely not a good sign. It's easier to write darker/more cynical characters (at least for me) or barring that a more traditoinal extrovert but I wanted him to be a positive character without being an outgoing character. But seems sort of mundane in practice. I'll probably continue to tweak that bit 'til it works.

Throwing mine in here very late, but I finally got it worked out.

Overall background:

• Genre: Military Fantasy
• Setting: Go watch the Lyrical Nanoha shows. More seriously, the setting is military but the society based on it is radically different from our own. They are not post-scarcity, but they're much closer to it then we are. They have Sufficiently Analyzed Magic to circumvent certain physical laws we've found troublesome, like mass or the lightspeed barrier. Most of the political and personal freedoms a North American or European would recognize are operative, but the government is dominated by the military and the Godzilla Threshold regarding personal and political freedoms is enshrined in law. Gender prejudice is nonexistent: talent as a mage does not discriminate, and thus women have been soldiers, cops, and other Earth-traditionally-male jobs for several hundred years. Gender demographics in the military (which also handles law enforcement) and the population at large are identical.
  • Mages changed the gender landscape because their raw power could not be ignored. Even a D-ranked mage is essentially a light armored vehicle in human form, proof against anything short of a shoulder-fired rocket, while C rankers up the ante on the sort of rockets and B-rankers can withstand more than one. Flight mages, A rank and up, begin to render conventional military forces useless; they are capable of supersonic flight, with A-rankers being essentially a flying main battle tank and AA or AAA-ranks matching jet aircraft loaded with bombs for destructive capability and beating out even heavily armored vehicles for protection. S rank mages were, until recently, the top of the food chain; able to erase towns in five minutes or less. Double-S qualifies you as a reusable tactical nuke, though such power is hard to focus into smaller tasks and mages of that level are exceedingly rare (the setting currently contains only one). Unofficially, there also entities treated as X rank; people with the power to challenge a combat starship and not to be fought with anything less than starship guns or nuclear weapons.
  • The Bureau's military differs from the canon primarily in focus; their training, competence, and abilities are spotlighted at every level; they are not only reactive but throw a punch at least as often as they counterstrike. A team of Navy flight mages forms at least a third of the setting; a small, elite group. The Bureau does not commit its heavies, Navy (Samuel) and Headquarters (canon characters) mages, without a specific objective to be accomplished. They are too few and too valuable to be spent on just patrols or garrison duty, and they know they are an elite.

Personal detail:

• Name: Samuel al-Faddil
• Race: Samuel's father is Earthborn, Arabic. (Saudi, in fact.) He takes strongly after him, though he is technically half-Arabic and half-Belkan.
• Age: Twenty-seven, nearly twenty-eight now.
• Appearance: Samuel is clearly of Arabic descent, with tanned skin and black hair. He appears quite exotic to the lighter-skinned and lighter-haired characters of Midchildan and Belkan ethnicity he stars in the story with, but to someone familiar with his racial type there is only one thing memorable about him: he has his mother's blue eyes. As a Navy mage he is to be found in uniform most often: armored boots, black pants, black shirt with long sleeves and high collar, topped by a black longcoat and short black overjacket both with silver trim. (Rank insignia and the like are deliberately omitted from the uniform in the field to make it harder for the enemy to figure out who to kill, while a Mage Team is small enough that such identification is unnecessary.)
• Desired role in story: Depends. He frequently, but not always, is in a leadership role. (He actually outranks many of the canon characters by quirk of the ranking system.) However he will be among the first to admit they're tougher and more capable than him, so his actual role is frequently supportive rather than out front.

Relationship:

• Identity of and relationship with father: Captain Muhammad al-Faddil, Officer In Charge, Naval Counterintelligence. A spook, to use the term of the art, and a good one. When the enemies of the Bureau are driven to check under their beds or in their closets, the Captain is who they are looking for. It has been this way for nearly fifteen years. Many people think Muhammad is deserving of an admiral's rank, but his reputation as the bogeyman makes his promotion too politically charged for him to be bothered pursuing: it gets in the way of real work. Samuel's relationship with his father is shaped by the distance imposed by their respective duties, but it remains strong. The two share similar views on a number of subjects, most notably the interplay between duty and honor.
• Identity of and relationship with mother: Captain Samantha al-Faddil (formerly Langsdorff). Of Belkan descent, Samuel's mother is tall, blonde, blue-eyed; she commands the cruiser Shaula as her second starship command. Samuel is closer to his mother, not because of a stronger basic relationship but because his mother's duties aren't as all-consuming as his father's and so he can communicate and interact with her more often.
• Identity of and relationship with siblings: Sister. Never named. New to the service as of the early days of the story, recently assigned to a Mage Team. More has not been heard of her, which most likely means she's still alive and uninjured despite the war.
• Other relatives: Uncle on his father's side, never named. Still lives on Earth and probably unaware of his brother's job or residence, and though he probably knows of his nephew he may not realize that it is his nephew. (Earth is completely unaware of the Bureau until halfway through the story: Samuel is part of the first embassy guard deployment, and looks/speaks Arabic like a Saudi native so he was shown off a bit to parts of the world which would feel better for that.) Works the oil fields at Sheyab on the Arabian Peninsula.
  • Admiral Stephan Langsdorff, grandfather on his mother's side. Though deceased, he casts a long shadow as one the Navy's founding fathers. He also entrusted Samuel with his personal Device (a Device being akin to both a magical BFG and a more normal mage's wand in the Nanohaverse, with a side order of a melee weapon usually), Steelheart, when Samuel enlisted in the Navy. He did this as a result of Samuel's decision to not trade on the family's connections but to win an officer's commission by his enlisted service.
• Friends and acquaintance: Bei (no first name given, ever), Senior Mage Specialist, Earthborn and Han Chinese. Bei is an old and trusted friend, once something of a mentor when Samuel was fresh from training and enlisted. He addresses Samuel with a familiarity not entirely appropriate for a senior enlisted to a commissioned officer, especially a Mage Commander, but this is something that both parties consider a right earned by past interaction and displayed competence. There have been hints that Bei was once a member of People's Republic of China's armed forces, the People's Liberation Army: if true, he almost certainly left the PLA in a fashion it would regard as criminal if not treasonous.
  • Several of the Wolkenritter (the friendly ten thousand year old AI combat constructs with a history of being mistreated and ordered to do terrible things when they are physically incapable of disobeying an order). Vita, the youngest (looking?) regards him as a friend, and in her manner has reacted to perceived dangers to him by warning others not to screw him over or she'll have to beat the crap out of them. Signum regards him as kind, and near-unique because of his both being aware of her history and not treating her as a monster of the worst sort. The others' opinions range from “worth knowing for his skills” to unknown.
• Love interest: None of yet. Minor sparks with the Bureau version of Signum, but they may never catch due to the colossal amount of baggage in play.
• Enemies both major and minor: The New Belkan Wolkenritter (the evil and probably insane ten thousand year old autonomous AI combat constructs with a history of doing terrible things because they enjoy it, the orders were incidental), in particular those Signums belonging to the Immortal Order, recognize him by sight though it's doubtful they know his name. Samuel's combination of sound tactics, unusual fighting style, and willingness to yell for help have resulted in his repeatedly freezing them in place long enough for other, more powerful people to show up and get rid of them. Worse yet, he killed one in a fair fight: one to one, blade to blade, and eye to eye. For a mortal and so far as they know unaugmented human to defeat a member of the Immortal Order in such a fashion is intolerable to them. This is compounded by the appearance that in previous fights he fought them at far less than his apparent skills, thus proving he does not regard them as serious threats. (He received Combat Cyborg enhancement between actions against them as a result of injuries sustained, but the New Belkans are not aware that Combat Cyborgs even exist and think he was holding back!) They will have satisfaction for these insults.

Character details:

• Character history: Samuel is a Time-Space Administrative Bureau Navy commander, with a specialty as a combat flight mage. The Navy enlists early, though not as early as some other branches, and Samuel got in as soon as he could, on his 12th birthday. Training took slightly longer than year, and he was assigned to his first combat posting two weeks after he turned 13. His first two tours were routine, but just before his 14th birthday Mage Team Sixty-Eight was shot to pieces with three dead and four injured during the Regian Intervention. Samuel was the only member of the team uninjured by the mission (though he had very little to do with the fact he got out unhurt). The experience impressed on him that personal concerns have no place on a battlefield, as his team leader's ego cost Commander Reinhard and Veteran Mage Specialist Rahl their lives. The team 2IC cracked up and ordered an assault that killed one more member and left two others permanently crippled. Samuel's best friend died in his arms. Samuel shouldered his burdens and moved on, but the experience is one that has never entirely left him. His service for the next four years was exemplary, and he was an easy choice for commissioning to lieutenant when he reached the minimum age of 18. He was in this position for several years. When his team responded to the breakout of berserk test designs from the Combat Construct Program on Ligeia, Samuel rallied an ad-hoc Navy and Ground Forces unit and lead them in the defense of the apartment complex that was housing civilian staff and dependents, saving several hundred lives and earning his promotion to Lieutenant Commander. He was a team 2IC for barely two years, being promoted to Commander and receiving Team Seventy for his first command two years ago.
  • Team Seventy has been an eventful posting. Samuel and his Team have done more than their fair share of the work lately. In the manner of the military, this means they have been given more than their fair share of the work to do. He has fought Combat Cyborgs and Rogue Wolkenritter and lived to tell, something very few people can claim. This has gained him the attention of many powerful people, not all of it welcome. Samuel does not entirely appreciate his command being used as the Navy's guinea pig for the employment of Combat Cyborgs or the fact Admiral Harlaown uses Team Seventy as his personal shotgun. Though Samuel is too well-disciplined to openly express such frustrations, Chrono Harlaown is aware of them and considers them justified. The Admiral simply doesn't think if he chose someone else they'd do better.
• Skills and abilities: Samuel is a flight mage ranked AA; worse yet, one of the Bureau's new Combat Cyborgs. To this he adds a sound understanding of leadership, a deep familiarity with the tactics and capabilities of flight mages, and the ability to think quickly and clearly under pressure. He also seems unusually resilient in the face of of mental shocks or trauma; how much of that is real and how much the mask of leadership isn't examined yet.
• Personality: Samuel is shaped by his service. He started early, after all, and plans to be still at it for at least another thirty years. His loyalties are to the Bureau, his people, and the mission orders, though the exact priority of these things shifts around a little based on circumstance. He is apparently indefatigable and will abandon a mission only when it is clear to him that lives will be wasted and nothing accomplished. There is seemingly no limit to the number of times he will get back up and throw himself into the fight again when knocked down. This appearance is a conscious choice if one looks closely enough: he is the commander, his behavior sets the tone. His actual feelings are not often seen, but he's somewhat more human than he appears. Though possessed of a friendly manner in general (though conscious of rank in settings where it applies; it has been noted he treats his team with a sort of semi-paternal affection rather than as friends) and a moral system most people in the setting would find generally admirable (though they'll disagree on at least one thing), he has two things that can be seen as serious vices.
  • The first is his (rather specific) contempt for the concept of honor. Samuel, like his father, regards honor as the excuse of those who would not give their all in the pursuit of their duties. While in the elder al-Faddil it manifests as readiness to subtlety and deception in the pursuit of the greater good, in Samuel this contempt shows as a total disregard for fighting fair. His full-contact style of fencing turns his short one-handed blade into an advantage, and opponents trained to more classical weapons-play often struggle to cope. He can also be shockingly brutal, showing no hesitation to employ his usual treatment of adults against opponents who are still preteens on more than one occasion, and eagerly embracing methods that will result in crippling injury like eye gouges or stabbing someone in the groin when it is allowed by the rules of engagement. There are no limits to how dirty and ruthless Samuel will fight if not restrained by the rules of engagement or a perception that his opponent is not a serious threat to himself or others.
  • The second is his ability to hate, and from that his willingness to kill. In a setting where execution is considered an utterly barbaric act, Samuel is one of its few proponents. He has carried a murderous grudge for thirteen years against the man who killed his best friend in Mage Team Sixty-Eight, a man Samuel has never even seen in person. Certain extended patterns of behavior, typically involving callous disregard for the lives of others, gleeful sadism, or a pathological need for death and violence, are considered by Samuel to remove the right to life and membership in the human race. He will gladly revoke both in person. Though his opinions are strongly held, he does not exercise them: the conflict between his duties and his personal feelings is to Samuel no conflict at all, and he will obey the laws of the Bureau, the mission orders, and the regulations of the Navy to the letter and usually in accordance with their spirit. Despite this his opinions are well-known and have caused friction with some of his seniors and some of the canon characters. When the war breaks out, Samuel is one of the few who is undisturbed by the switch to consistent use of lethal force. His ability to kill as a reasoned act, without apparent remorse, is considered worrying by a number of other characters.
• Goal, dream and motivation: Samuel is more or less where he wants to be, and would happily remain a Mage Team leader until his death. He has no interest in a Captaincy, believing that there are plenty of people who are qualified to command a starship, far fewer who are able and experienced at leading flight mages in combat. His view is not entirely incorrect. (Perversely, he's eventually given a temporary Captaincy, though not to command a starship.)
  • Samuel's motivations are simple. They are born from his family history of service, reinforced by the good treatment the Bureau gives flight mages, and finally cemented by the fact that the people he has had to deal with needed dealing with and the lives he has saved needed saving. The system is not perfect, but it is workable and worthy of whatever support he can give it.
• First appearance: Leading Mage Team 70 trying to contain a prison break on Diosid, shortly before Signum turns up to end it. “That's a Wolkenritter, Mage Specialist. Focus.”
• Last appearance: Speaking to Signum after returning successful from commanding Operation Downfall. “The faithful knight. To what do owe the honor, Dame Signum?”