F**king Crossover Ships, how do they ''work...''

The man in black and blue stood tall and proud before his gathered comrades.

"Brothers!" he finally shouted, loud and firm as ever. "After my latest soujourn to Mortal Kombat, your leader, Sub-Zero, has returned to retake the reigns of the Lin Kuei clan!"

The ninjas all cheered as a single man, a brief shout of acceptance for their returned master. Sub-Zero nodded sparsely at them, then reassumed his speech.

"However, changes will have to be made to our accomodations! After meeting a very special, brave and indomitable soul at Shang Tsung's domains, I have decided to take a consort!"

The ninjas seemed frozen all of a sudden, their normally stoic eyes widening mildly in shock.

"But, young Master—!" one of them began to interject.

"I know. However, rest assured this decision is for the ultimate good and greater glory of our clan. Next to my consort, no one will be able to stop us! Our jointed power will start a new era of never beforee seen glories for the Lin Kuei! Because—".

"MASTER! BEWARE!!"

Seven shurinken flew from totally different directions and all converged into the masked head of a red-clad figure who had just appeared behind Sub-Zero ready to pounce onto him. Sub-Zero gasped aloud as his attacker fell down at his feet, his head bleeding profusely.

And then, he yelled at his ninjas. "What have you done, fools?! Did you think I would allow anyone to ambush me like that if I did not wish so? You have just struck my consort down!"

The Lin Kuei forces did a collective double take.

Ignoring them, Sub-Zero crouched down next to the masked man's body, gently probing it with a hand. "Beloved? Talk to me, beloved. Are you feeling well?"

And then, much to the clan's surprise, their target jumped back to his feet, pulling a shurinken out of his forehead. "Well?! WELL??! Subby, your stupid Hand rejects just gave me the freakin' headache of the century!! And I only wanted to give you a hug!!!"

The stranger began to point a finger at random spots of the stunned audience. "It was you, wasn't it? And you! And you back there! Yes, you! I saw you! Trying to look aside now won't help you, Mister!"

"Please forgive them, Beloved. Most of them are young and don't know any better. The recent tournaments have decimated our elite ranks considerably..."

The nearest ninja to Sub-Zero stared at him in sheer disbelief. "Master, surely you jest...?"

"Comrade, a greater force than us, as powerful as fate itself, has brought us together" Sub-Zero sighed. "It is a very long, painful and intrincate story... painful above everything else... Maybe some day I will have enough time to explain it to you. After I fully figure everything out myself."

"Boy, I'm gonna have to knock some sense into you guys! By the way, Subby, maybe we should start the changes here with your nome de guerre. Below zero at the sack, ya ain't. Anyway, we're going to have to do something about those lame outfits. And you all should carry guns too. Hello! 21th Century calling! And after that, oh yeah, I had this wonderful idea we all should get into. I call it Capcom vs. Marvel vs. DC vs. Mortal Kombat, bayh-bee. We're gonna be RICHER!! Hey, is that guy at the back of the place commiting seppuku as I speak? Or is it harakiri? I never can tell those two apart. Oh, and you too? Hey, Subby! The guy next to the door has just made a whole red mess at your floor! Definitely, we'll have to discipline your Ginzu Boy Scouts better!"

Jon Arbuckle squirmed uneasily on his seat for the tenth time in the last five minutes. And yet, next to him, Doctor Liz's face still betrayed no emotion at all.

"Well, that was a truly... unexpected story of how did you two meet" she said with an even voice, taking a few notes just enough to make any sense out of the situation. "Now, I must say I am thankful for the effort you take in consulting this with us. Considering how easily could you simply take the animal and stomp us flat before departing...".

"Liz! Please don't give him ideas!" Jon squeeked.

"There is no need to fear" the metallic giant sitting before them gently petting the cat's head with a hand several times larger than it said as politely as before. "The Autobots respect all human and animal life. You have such a beautiful planet it even equals the glories of Cybertron, even if in a fully different way. And of course..." he seemed to hesitate for a moment. Jon almost could have sworn the machine was... bashful? "Your beloved housepet is no small part of this world's wonders. This is what I have come to you with this formal request. I understand it is a normal custom between you to ask for the closest relatives or tutors' agreement in a legal engagement".

Jon blinked cluelessly. "You mean this is legal?".

Liz elbowed him in the stomach. "Thank you, Mister Prime. We really mean it. Now, I'm sure you'll understand too, as Garfield's veterinarian, it's my duty to worry about my patient's health. I must say I'm somewhat concerned about the... possible internal damage to his anatomy in direct... intimate contact".

"She means we're afraid you'll split him up by half" Jon said. "At least, that's what I think she said. I prefer not to think too much about it".

"Oh, there is no need to concern yourselves about that either. In our relationship, I strictly play the role of..." He paused, looking for the word in his databanks. He cocked his head sligthly aside then to listen to some of Garfield's meowings. "Catcher? Thank you. Yes, 'catcher'. That is it".

"Whoa! I didn't need to know that much!!" Jon recoiled back.

"I did" Liz deadpaned. "Now, you'll need to bring him to my clinic at least twice a month. He'll try to resist with all his might, but don't let him to overrule you. His cardiac condition also needs to be watched over constantly. He's supposed to be on a strict diet regime, and hopefully you'll be better suited to enforcing it than Mr. Arbuckle here—".

Jon buried his head between his hands. "If I only had known I'd be getting into this when I bought him that day...".

Garfield reached with a paw to pat Jon's right shoulder, smiling. Look at it this way. You haven't lost a truck, you have gained a son-in-law...

Young Uchiha Sasuke starred around him at the bloody mess that was the Uchiha compound. All was silent. Nothing had been disturbed yet after Itachi's little spree. The Uchiha compound, for the first time Sasuke could remember, was almost absolutely empty. Empty and silent.

Sasuke blinked.

No, not quite silent….

---

There's a routine hidden somewhere in Konoha. It goes something like this:

"Sasuke-kun, can we go on a date?"

"No."

The speaker of the first part is ever changing, although the current holder of the title of the one who says it the most belongs to a pink-haired kunoichi, with a blonde flower-girl coming a close second.

The speaker of the second part, however, is always the same: a dark-eyed, dark-haired boy who was lipstick and eye-shadow away from being Goth, that's how dark he was.

His penchant for constantly, unerringly rejecting the advances of the fairer sex is so well-known in Konoha that some hopefuls of the less fair sex have begun to hope he was like them, but every time they asked, they got the same response. Sometimes accompanied by a left hook if they were being pushy.

No one knows why. All anyone does know is that, after the so-called Uchiha massacre, the youngest survivor of the clan was never interested in girls- or boys- ever again…

"Sasuke-" Haruno Sakura began.

"No," the dark-haired boy said.

"But you don't even know what I was going to say!"

"If it wasn't some variation of 'can we go on a date', 'walk me home' or 'can we train together', I'd be very surprised," Sasuke said dryly.

"You're mean, Sasuke-kun…"

Sasuke didn't reply. Instead, he kept on walking home, his heart pounding with anticipation. Would she come over today? Her visits weren't daily, but they were often and unpredictable enough to always leave him excited and expectant when he came home.

Arriving at his apartment, he took a quick look around, assuring that no fangirls had decided to follow him. They knew where he lived, but that was it. They hadn't been able to break in after he'd changed the locks.

Opening the door, he smiled, heart pounding faster and at the same time going light as he listened to the sounds of someone puttering around in his kitchen, of the smell of someone's perfume in the air. No, not really a perfume. It was her scent. Yes, that's what it was, her scent.

Heading towards the kitchen door he stopped and leaned against the door jab, a smile on his lips. She was beautiful. She was always beautiful, whenever she came to him, and he wasn't sure if it was for his benefit or if it came naturally to her.

She looked twelve. That didn't mean much. Last year she had looked eleven, and the year before that she'd looked ten. Either way, she always looked beautiful. Her skin was pale as snow, her hair was darker than a starless night. Today she was wearing a cute black sailor suit with a really mini skirt. It was all Sasuke could do not to try and take a peek.

"You just going to stand there, or are you going to help me make supper?" she said teasingly, not turning to look at him. He could hear the smile in her voice.

Moving away from the door, he hugged her from behind, kissing the back of her neck. "I'd just be in the way," he whispered, breathing into her ear, feeling as a shiver ran through her body. "You don't have to cook for me, you know. I've told you that."

"I know," she said airily, still cooking. "But I want to, silly! I've told you that."

"You're too good to me," he said, nuzzling her neck, which she helpfully bared for his attentions.

"Only because I love you, Sasuke-kun," she said. He shivered.

Taking her hands off the utensils, he turned her around, capturing her lips in his own, leaving dinner to take care of itself…

The food was still good, in case you were wondering.

The two lay on Sasuke's narrow bed, him trying not to fall off. She always got the side against the wall, but seldom made use of that fact. Never, really. She'd much rather cuddle. After almost four years of sleeping like this, he wouldn't have it any other way.

"So, how was your day?" she asked, lying on his bare chest. He usually wore something else to bed besides his boxers, but it hot that night, and even she had agreed he'd fry if he wore pajamas. The thought of not using the blanket never crossed their minds. They liked their blanket. It was… cozy.

"Same old, same old," he said, taking in the scent of her hair. Funeral roses. She always smelled like funeral roses. His arm wrapped casually around her waist. Despite the heat, she hadn't gotten out of her black nightgown. The fabric was so thin and so soft you'd think you'd be able to see though it, but that wasn't the case. She seldom took it off, although for special occasions- really special occasions, like his birthday, or holidays, or some days when he was just really, really lucky- he'd managed to convince her to ditch the thing and sleep in her underwear. During those times, he was surprised he got any sleep! "You?"

"Oh, you know, someone here, someone there," she said vaguely, waving her hand in a disinterested manner. Sasuke idly noted the direction she waved. Looks like there'd be one more body in the hospital morgue. "So seen any pretty girls lately?"

Her tone was teasing. She liked to tease him. It was one of her favorite things to do, besides collecting floppy hats.

He shrugged, feigning a nonchalant tone. "Well, that Haruno girl's been around lately. She's been offering to come up and check out my place…" he said, trailing off suggestively.

She raised an eyebrow, waiting.

"I told her to take a hike."

She giggled, shaking her head. "You really shouldn't lead those girls on," she said, tracing a finger across his sternum. Putting on a prim tone, she added, "It's just not proper."

"Aw, you know me," he drawled. "I don't like to be tied down to any one girl."

She mock pouted, which lasted all of a second as the two of them broke into giggles. He liked being tied down to one girl, and both of them knew it.

Getting her giggles in check, she cuddled closer, resting her cheek on the crook of his neck. "Alright, enough talk. You have to go to sleep, young man! It's a big day tommorow."

"Yes, ma'm," he said, sounding like a boy talking to his mother.

Giggling all over again, she kissed him on the cheek before putting her head right back where it was before. "Good night, Sasuke-kun," she said cheerily, if quietly.

Sighing, he put his other arm around her, pulling her closer. She didn't resist. Taking in the scent of her hair again- definitely funeral roses- he kissed her brow. "Good night… Death."

She was gone by the time he woke up. He found himself cuddling against one of his pillows. He didn't doubt she'd been there, though- the smell of roses still filled the room…

Chachamaru x Sari

"WHAT!" Ala Alba cried, staring at Evangeline. "Chachamaru went on a date?"

Evangeline stuck a finger in her ear. "Keep it down," she growled at them. "I don't want to lose my hearing to you people doing an Emiya Shiro impersonation."

"How did that happen?" Chisame demanded.

Evangeline eyed the hacker warily. "Why do you care?"

Chisame glared at the vampire. "It's a valid question. How the hell did she end up on a date that wasn't with Negi?"

Evangeline raised an eyebrow, looking amused. Chisame rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, we were all thinking it!"

Everyone else shuffled nervously, except for Haruna who was nodding knowingly and grinning wide in a way sharks had trademarked.

Hakase coughed. "Um, my doing. You see, Chachamaru wanted more varied social experiences, so I set her up with a specialized dating service."

Asuna tilted her head quizzically. "A dating service?"

Hakase nodded. "Have you heard of the Computerized Relationship Arrangement Coordination Company?"

Chisame stared at her in horror. "You sent Chachamaru with those lunatics on C.R.A.C.C.?"

Hakase blinked. "What?"

"HAKASE, YOU IDIOT!" Chisame cried. "Please tell me this at least wasn't a blind date?"

"Um…"

Chisame facepalmed. "Chachamaru is doomed."

...

"A most unforeseen rendezvous," Chachamaru said politely as she and her date sat outside at a rather pleasant café. The cool evening breeze ruffled through her long hair, dissipating her heat and assisting with her cooling system as she accepted the glowing drink her companion had offered her from a container. "Though I must say, this 'Energon' is quite refreshing. I apologize if I was not the sort of companionship you were expecting."

Her date, a rather attractive girl in a two-tone yellow dress, with dark skin, red hair and brilliant blue eyes, shrugged easily enough. "Eh, it's my own fault. I didn't fill in my own form properly. They didn't really have a box for 'girl-shaped super robot' though, so it's probably still mostly their fault."

"A distinct possibility," Chachamaru said. Her preparation for this information gathering mission had included extensive reading from various books she'd found among the Master's library, though she'd thought she'd be meeting with a male of the human species, not a female of a non-human one. One bit of advice in one of the cheaper books entitled "Easy Scoring by Barnabus Stinson" was for a man to always agree with a woman, so as to lubricate social interaction an assist in the goal of 'getting laid', whatever that was. The book had been vague. Chachamaru wasn't sure if the rule applied to her, as she wasn't male, but given the context of the situation, she supposed it would do for now. "Never the less, I hope to be able to provide you with a satisfactory evening."

The girl– technically still her 'date', she supposed– blinked at her. "You still want to go on?"

Chachamaru nodded. "I wish to understand more of human social interaction, especially the ritualized encounter known as a 'date'. If you are willing, we may still continue with one."

The girl looked at her in puzzlement, then shrugged. "Eh, what the heck. I did sign up because I was bored. Robot-girl on robot-girl date? Sure, why not? We can give it a shot. Name's Sari. Sari Sumdac. And you?"

"I am called Chachamaru," the tea-girl said. "Karakuri Chachamaru. A pleasure to meet you…"

They talked. Sari tried the burger, while Chachamaru tried more Energon. As they ate, they talked about the usual things…

"I used to be a lot smaller," Sari said, indicating a height with her hand. "But I got myself an upgrade, and here I am. You?"

"This is actually my first major upgrade," Chachamaru said. "My former shell was not as dermarealistic."

"Huh?" Sari said, confused.

"My skin didn't look real," Chachamaru simplified. "This was amended, along with my onboard weapons systems."

"OOH!" Sari said, eyes wide and interested. "What are you packing?"

"My forearms both contain a heat-lance blade and an energy blast weapon," Chachamaru said.

"Mine too!" Sari said happily. "Well, lightsaber tonfa, technically, and I haven't been able to get them to blast since I got them, but I only need a little more practice. And I still have my key…"

Chachamaru tilted her head sideways curiously. "Key?"

"Here, let me show you…"

...

"The back of your head? Are you sure?"

"Yes, it is my interface port for my own key. It is perfectly safe."

"Well, let's see… Hey, it fits! Gotta love Transforming technology. Now, let's just give it turn, and I can show you what–"

"AHH!"

"Chachamaru! Are you all right?-!"

"Y-yes!" Chachamaru panted. "Please, continue…"

"Um, okay. Now, we just turn–"

"Oh, yes!"

"Huh?"

"More! Turn it more! Give it to me!"

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Oh, yes! YES!-!-! SCREW IT IN! SCREW IT IN!"

...

Next week…

Hakase stared down at the readings in her hand, then looked up at the concerned pair of robot girls. "Well, congratulations are in order, I suppose. Chachamaru, you're pregnant."

"WHAT?" Sari cried. "How did that happen?"

"You tell me. What did you two do?"

"Well, I showed Chachamaru my key, and she let me put it in her… I screwed it around a couple of times… she really seemed to like it."

Hakase stared at the girl, then rounded on Chachamaru. "You let her screw you on the first date? And neither of you even thought to use some sort of interface protection? Chachamaru! I expected better of you!"

"I'm sorry, mother."

"Go to your tube, young lady, you're grounded!" Hakase turned to Sari. "As for you… we're going to have a little talk about you taking responsibility…"

...

A few months later…

"Congratulations!" Hakase cried, holding up the little half Techno-organic Transformer, half magic android alt. "It's an iPod!"

But I never read the Sandman. What's Death's characterization supposed to be?