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Website: Acts of Gord

Gord is a local deity. Very local. He's a regular guy who owns a game store, and that makes him God over that store and its customers. Well, technically no one ever claim that Gord would be a god; it's just that the whole story of how he's running the store and deals with all kinds of moronic customers is written in the form of scripture. The nickname "Gord" helps as well.

Acts of Gord is an archive of true anecdotes about the Gamer's Edge Video Game shop in Penticton, British Columbia, Canada. Basically, this site is a mix of sarcastic storytelling and a Not Always Right focused on the rise and fall of a single retail establishment.

Acts of Gord provides examples of the following tropes:

  • Animation Age Ghetto: There is one section where this happens. Two children try to rent an anime named Ninja Scroll that, due to its nature, is not a "family film". So thus he has to allow the kids' dad to come in to rent the film and he complains about having to come in "just so they could rent a cartoon". Then he comes back and yells at Gord for renting pornography to his kids. invoked
  • Badass: The Gord, anytime he chases down thieves and other jackasses.
  • Bittersweet Ending: The end of the Apocalypse Book. Despite the victory, Gord hasn't returned to the game-retailer world since, leaving only what's written on the site. On the other hand, Gord seems to be very happy with his new life.
  • Bullying a Dragon: The FIFA kid, who learned the hard way that stealing from, then picking fights with, two guys who are twice your size (and adults) isn't a good idea.
  • Canada, Eh?: Mentions the Boxing Day sale.
  • Catch Phrase:
    • "Some people's children!"
    • "Door's to your left."
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Oddity — a parent on how the profanity in Grand Theft Auto is a bad thing.
  • Comically Missing the Point: "The Gord often wonders why people threaten to never come back after they've been told never to return."
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Gord towards pretty much every thief or jerkass that tries to take him on.
  • Dan Browned: Most of the "Proclamations," i.e., "Console Wars" section.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Take a guess.
  • Defeat Means Friendship: The Thief from Villainy ch. 3. Gord allowed him to pay (the exorbitantly marked up thief-bait price) for the game he stole, rather than press charges, and the Thief, impressed by Gord's mercy, evidently, became a regular (and proper) customer.
  • Do Wrong, Right: If you're going to steal games, at least steal good games!
  • Face Palm: Each page is illustrated with a facepalming Gord, each with a different complaint about stupid customers. See page illustration above for one example.
  • Freak Out!: Some customers seem to do this over the tiniest things.
  • Gave Up Too Soon: People reading the Acts of Gord seem to have a lot of trouble finding the last book, the Book of Apocalypse, when there is a link in the new words "The End..." on the sidebar of the last "non-hidden" chapter, which one immediately notices if they've been reading all the stories, especially if they've been looking at the sidebar facepalm quotes.
  • God: Gord
  • A Gord Am I: This is how the site is written.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Gord has to contend with this on a regular basis.
  • I Resemble That Remark: In Acts of Gord, Book of Annoyances, Chapter 23, a reporter asks Gord, the owner of a video game store, for a quote for the front page of the newspaper, pertaining to video game violence and its impact on society. Gord replies, "Video games don't make people more violent, and I'll kill anyone who disagrees." After a dramatic pause, the reporter replies that he doesn't think his editor can print that.
  • Only Sane Man: Gord and his coworkers seem to be this for the city of Penticton, judging by the huge amount of idiots/lunatics/criminals that come into the store.
  • The Quisling: The Guardian
  • Schmuck Bait:
    • On numerous occasions, Gord would price crappy games higher than they were worth, or place broken hardware in tantalizing places, just to see if someone would steal them.
    • Another favorite pastime of Gord's is to take old crappy games and tag them with a sign that says, "Hey, I suck! Buy me!" The author notes with amusement that any game the sign is placed on sells out within a couple of days.
    • The most obvious piece of bait was a completely inoperable PS1 complete with a note in place of the laser assembly mockingly "congratulating" would-be thieves on stealing broken PS1, which the employees "enshrined" in old PlayStation boxes just outside the store, with a little sign saying "Please don't steal me. You're being watched. -Mgnt." Only one person picked up the console, and quickly set it back down before running off.
    • Then there was the broken GameShark that he deliberately positioned to be an incredibly easy target for shoplifters - anyone who stole it and actually used it would get a blown out expansion port for their efforts. The next week saw a sudden influx in consoles needing repaired expansion ports, profit!
    • Another was planned involving a booby-trapped GoldenEye 007 cartridge that would destroy any N64 that tried to run it with a 50000 electric charge, but the screwdriver set the Gord needed to open it didn't arrive in time.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: The most common ending has the would-be customer/thief storm out of the store.
  • Second Place Is for Losers:
    "And the winner of the tournament won the controllers that were opened for the tournament (worth $80), and $20 in cash. Second place was a can of coke and an autographed picture of Gord. Third place was $20.
    The Gord likes to remind people that second place is just the first loser."
  • Shout-Out:
  • So Bad, It's Good: invoked Chronicles 37 gives us the game Fox Hunt which is so bad Gord has wrapped it in masking tape and written "WARNING: DO NOT PLAY" on it. A curious customer takes the game and plays it anyway, and has this reaction.
    "Gord, this game is so bad it's sweet! Why didn't you tell us about it earlier!"
  • Stealth Insult: Book of Annoyances, Chapter 3;
    Gord: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I subscribe to the theory of intellectual osmosis. As such, I must now cease our conversation and move away from you before my intelligence begins to drop. Good day.
The beauty of that is that another costumer had to explain to the guy what he meant.

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alternative title(s): Acts Of Gord
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