Taking babies away from their families and raising them to never care about anybody makes you, and them, good and well-adjusted people. Only bad and crazy people worry about their mothers and want to get married.
Why clone slaves? Send a boy to assassinate his father (who you told actually killed his father)and you still get to go to transparent-blue-heaven.
Falling in love automatically turns headstrong, capable Action Girls into whiny, demure damsels. Just look at Padme (and Leia, to a much lesser extent).
Mentor a young boy who never knew his father, watched his mother die in his arms and whose upbringing in general was marred in tragedy? He'll turn into a monster out of desperation. Mentor a young boy who knew both his parents, never had to watch either die and whose upbringing in general was fairly privileged? He'll turn into a monster because it's edgy. Don't mentor young boys.
If you so much as try to prevent your loved ones from dying, then not only will you descend into villainy, but your wife will die anyway (because of you, no less!), your friends (including your mentor) will either die or suffer horribly, your children and any romantic partners they have will suffer, your grandkids will turn evil partially because they find your evil deeds cool and partially due to being influenced by a cult and billions will have their lives wrecked or worse. You're best off just letting your loved ones die.
Killing is wrong...unless you're the one doing it. Same with Mind Rape on petty drug dealers and mooks so you can drink your alcohol in peace.
Keep people in the military from developing long-term relationships, it could always lead to The Dark Side by way of Love Makes You Evil. Casual sexual affairs are okay, though!
Being conscripted in infancy to become operatives for the political elite and prop up a corrupt, failing state is okay. A life of being trained how to kill from the time you can walk, dragged through natural and unnatural disasters, crime scenes, and sentient rights abuses (and having the look the other way on most of the suffering because you have to prop up the state, not care for the people) won't cause any trouble. Having to kill or be killed from your early teens, racking up at least a three digit body count by the time you're twenty (someone actually did the math on Ahsoka), and using the life energy of the universe as a weapon...THAT'S all well and good and serving the Light. But wanting something more emotionally intimate than than "work friends," aloof mentors who play dirty tricks on you (and you should apologize if you get upset over something like them faking their death),or a trip to the brothel (which is a-ok! Sex is fine but Attachment Bad!) is what's going to send you into frying kittens and cutting down schoolkids...
The Phantom Menace
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side, and the dark side is evil. So, if you've ever been afraid or angry, you're a Complete Monster!
Cutting off all contact between young children and their parents (and anyone else who loves them) makes them grow up into excellent police/judges.
If something horrible is going on in a remote, self-governed area, then your job as knights of justice and peace is irrelevant; it's not your problem if it's not your government.
A good hearted peasant offers you her help? Sure, go and eat her food, crash on her sofa, and take her only child to groom into your fabled living weapon. Just don't do anything to help her because SHE isn't important.
The most compassionate course of action for a nine year old boy rescued from human trafficking is to leave his mom with the traffickers, haul him away from everyone and everything he knows, lock him in a room with a dozen creepy old men who interrogate him for hours, and then scold him as evil for daring to admit he's scared, homesick, and worried for mom. He needs to be properly stoic and let go of his mom on command if he's to be your ultimate anti-Sith killer, after all!
Need someone to rule your world? Elect fourteen-year-old girls and call them queens! Find a dozen other fourteen-year-old girls as assassination bait!
There's nothing immoral or stupid about bringing a nine-year-old boy into a war-zone. He may even win the battle for you by complete accident.
Attack of the Clones
If you're worried about your mother and try to save her life, she'll die as soon as she sees you.
Keeping promises to your parents causes genocide.
Illegally produced armies that consist of millions of clones are always a good thing.
Don't ask questions or look a gift slave army in the mouth. Just use them against your enemies without debate or attempt to negotiate a peace.
The best way to let a guy know you don't want a relationship with him is to show a lot of skin and spend tons of time alone with him in scenic locales and in darkened rooms lit by fireplaces.
Chicks don't mind if you've slaughtered a village before and have the occasional megalomaniacal rant as long as you're hot.
Sand is bad because "it's coarse, rough, irritating, and it gets everywhere".
Remember kids, a healthy relationship is the one where the man buys his wife like a cheap appliance. It's the relationship where the woman has the wealth and autonomy to choose her mate that's unhealthy.
Revenge of the Sith
Don't try to save the people you love from dying, because Love Makes You Evil!
If you suspect a loved one might be potentially fatally ill, consider that there is a midpoint between doing nothing and sacrificing your moral code, your religion, democracy, and all of your friends to make her immortal.
If someone you love dies, you are required to be happy that they're dead, to not miss them, not mourn them. If you shed even a single tear, you're a Sith.
If your best friend is in horrific agony (say, just had three of his limbs amputated and set on fire), it is considered evil and dishonorable to give him a Mercy Kill. The correct thing to do is to just walk away on your friend as he lies there in unimaginable pain.
Only Sith deal in extremes. Unless you're a Jedi saying that particular sentence, which happens to be an extreme generalization of both Siths and people who deal in extremes, then it is okay.
Problems with romance? It's not your fault. It is EVERYONE ELSE'S. The only logical course of action is to KILL THEM ALL!
If at first you fail, retreat into an obscure swamp and pretend to be senile until you find someone young to do the hard stuff for you.
Any dark-skinned official in power is obviously going to be assassinated sooner or later.
Men guilty of starting horrific wars deserve trials. Toddlers should be exterminated.
Suddenly and completely abandoning a large portion of one's own personal moral code to arrest someone is perfectly OK if it means the "right thing" must be done. Even if the remote possibility of a third option might exist.
If you're giving up a girl up for adoption, make sure the adopted parents are literally royalty. If they're a boy, however, a life of hard farm labor is good enough for him. Either way, though, make sure that the adoptive parents can't help them with their natural talents.
Rogue One
If your cause is righteous, you can lie, sabotage and even kill your allies... exactly like the enemies you're fighting against. It's not like the movie will call you out.
Someone's taking the credit for the deadly WMD you built? Suck it up or get choked by Darth Vader.
You can perfectly cross a battlefield with bullets flying everywhere unharmed if you believe in a mystical concept that few know is really true.
If someone makes a mistake on a complex project, it's never an innocent error. It must be intentional sabotage.
A New Hope
Drug smugglers are perfectly trustworthy and, if they hang around heroes long enough (a day or two) eventually become heroic.
Every young man should aspire to be a terrorist when he grows up. Even better if he commits mass murder by destroying a military installation.
If you want to get accurate information on a terrorist group, torture first, then threaten to blow up their homeland, and then actually do blow it up before confirming that the information is correct, thus ensuring their future cooperation.
These aren't the droids we're looking for.
The deaths of Owen and Beru:
It's okay to postpone doing The Right Thing until you have nothing else better to do. Want to go Fight The Good Fight, but Uncle needs you to help around the farm? No prob, whatevs, just wait for the cosmic calendar to realign itself to your timetable.
Phrased another way: No important person has ever had to make a difficult choice between their career/the greater good and spending max time with their family; they all had the latter problem removed for them at the exact right time, in the exact right way to further motivate them towards career/the greater good.
If you do not fight against evil—ALL evil, EVERYWHERE—immediately, it will come to your house and kill the only family you've ever known. So get on that.
Your uncle is trying to keep you from the war despite you being The Chosen One who can end things and bring peace everywhere? Even if he simply wants to keep you safe, he is still in the wrong for doing so. If he gets killed? His death should be considered sad and unjust...but you should still get over it after a short while and consider yourself liberated, because now you can help fight the good fight.
Women must always show sympathy for men, even when they're going through much greater pain, and can't expect sympathy back.
The Empire Strikes Back
You can do something without trying, so feel free to put in as little effort into doing things as you want.
Sure, delay a soldier who has been tasked to carry out a solo mission. Wither his patience away until he snaps, then you've got the right to say that he or she has no patience and thus does not deserve your help.
You MUST successfully lift and toss around a object the size of an F-16 with nothing but your mind on your first try. And if you can't, either you're a loser or your mind is giving in to doubt and doubt also leads to "bad things."
If someone who's trying to kill you tells you that he's your father without any sort of evidence to back it up, take his word for it. It's not like he might be trying to mess with your head or anything.
You need to develop a supernatural power that allows you to "search your feelings" to magically know whether a statement is true just in case someone who's trying to kill you says he's your father.
If a mass-murderer who has just been enjoying himself beating the stuffing out of you and cutting off one of your hands informs you that he is your biological father, once you get over the shock you should immediately start hatching a plan to try to redeem him, because there are no such things as Abusive Parents or a Moral Event Horizon so long as they are a blood relative.
Return of the Jedi
It doesn't matter how evil he is, your father is still your father. Even if you've only met him twice.
Your biological father is way more important than your aunt and uncle, the people who actually raised you your whole life. If they get brutally murdered, never mention them again.
If you've been in charge of an evil empire responsible for genocide and oppression, personally committed murder including that of children and the elite galactic police (i.e. Jedi), and lead a campaign of terror and tyranny against a large portion of the galaxy, all will be forgiven and forgotten with a quick seeing of the light at the end by killing your evil boss to rescue your own child.
The death of a single proud tribal teddy bear is far more horrific and worth focusing on than the destruction of a fully occupied ginormous medical frigate.
If you have successfully manipulated your target into doing exactly what you want and they are in the process of doing it, be sure to interrupt them to tell them that they are doing what you want. After all, it is only fair to give them a heads up about that fact.
The Force Awakens
On the run from a terrorist organization? Don't worry, enough implausible coincidences will occur within a short period of time that will work to your advantage with minimum effort on your part.
Fanboys are not only uniformly Man Children, but they are almost always psychopaths.
You're better off letting your child be evil and leave them be if they fall. Trying to persuade your kid to come back to you will just get you killed.
The Last Jedi
If your subordinate refuses a direct recall order, do not send it on the wing's general channel. That would be cheating.
Refusing a recall order just because your forces are already irretrievably committed to the attack and will be massacred if they attempt to withdraw means you're arrogant and rash. Issuing said order marks you as compassionate and wise.
If you are suddenly thrust into command unexpectedly in a high-stress situation, make sure not to reassure your people by explaining your plan. In fact, do your best to convince them that you have no plan whatsoever and are blindly leading them to their deaths.
If you are fighting for democracy, make sure to treat people you outrank with utter contempt and demand absolute unquestioning obedience from them.
Related, if one of your subordinate officers is getting insubordinate to the point where he is openly questioning your authority, the best course of action is to simply ignore him and hope that he goes away. Maybe throw in some snarky comments to let people know you're still in charge. Actually nipping the problem in the bud by either throwing him in the brig or including him and the rest of your officer team in on your plan just seems rash. After all, it's not like he could persuade any of your staff to mutiny, sabotage your plans, or heaven forbid, that any of your other staff might feel the same way as he does. As they say in Office Space, these kinds of things just work themselves out naturally without you having to do anything at all.
If you've based your entire life on the philosophy laid out in ancient books you own and are trying to teach it to others, make sure to never actually read those books. After all, page turners they were not.
There are no downsides to openly assassinating your fascist overlord. They'll even give you his position.
You should risk life and limb to redeem your child-murdering father even when he outright tells you he's not worth saving. On the other hand, your nephew, whose only real crime was being a mopey millennial, should definitely be killed if he starts having bad dreams.
Always have an escape plan in case you and the resistance movement that you lead are hopelessly outgunned and being pursued by your enemy. Yes, retreating to a hangar on a salt planet that nobody has checked up in 30 years and which you know nothing about, including whether or not it even has a back door, counts as a "plan". Keep this "plan" secret because you may have to shoot anyone who finds out how half-baked it is. Your pro-democracy movement is, after all, not actually a democracy and it is best to keep secrets and just expect your pro-democracy activists to trust you. People who are willing to fight for democracy just love secretive, autocratic leaders and cannot possibly have any worthwhile ideas of their own to contribute.
If your entire crew mutinies after you try the above it means the person they chose to follow is a brash loose canon and does not reflect poorly on your leadership abilities or decisions in any way.
The Rise of Skywalker
Did you fight a trained evil space wizard two movies ago without any training yourself? You'll defeat him without breaking a sweat. Begin training after you already proved that you're more powerful than the evil space wizard? He'll finally defeat you in a fair fight. Training just makes you weaker.
Don't worry about natural hazards like quicksand. Falling into it might lead you exactly where you need to go.
If your decade-spanning plan relies on manipulating someone into doing something in the heat of the moment, make sure you interrupt them doing it to explain that fact. Bonus points if this exact action has gotten you killed previously.
If you spent most of your life committing evil acts, all you need to do is feel bad about it, do one or two good deeds, then die.
The best way to honor a dead family is to bury their weapons on a planet that every single one of them hated. Bonus points if you bury them in sand and one of them doesn't like sand. But only bury the blue ones, not the green one. Green sucks.
There is nothing more important than having a last name. You cannot have only one name. If you really don't like your family name, you have to get a new one.
