... So I'm Bunnie.
I'm a troper with a weird and offbeat sense of humor. You could say that it's a good thing I'm a bunny: if I was a cat, my cause of death would be curiosity by now.
I'm the type of person who will see something that could be dangerous, and proceed to poke it with a stick. So if you decide to go on an adventure to find some Lovecraftian monster, don't bring me.
I'm a daydreamer and a bit absentminded, so I hope you'll forgive me if I mess something up, though I'll try my best not to.
I've also got a mustache, a monocle, a top hat and an ebil black cape. I also apparently own an international eeeebil company.
I'm Director and Founder of Ebil Carrot Co. Directions for applications can be found in the appropriate folder below. Feel free to apply! Ebil Carrot Co. needs
... Oh, yeah, and by the way, I'm a girl, if you still haven't figured it out.
Welcome! I see that you are interested in applying for a position at Ebil Carrot Co. We hope that you find everything you need in the below sections, under pain of being subjected to significant property loss via Carrotinator.
Welcome To Ebil Carrot Co.
Hello there, potential evil slave — err, worker! Welcome to Ebil Carrot Co. We make it our number one duty to give customers only the best quality evil we can provide, including top-class fear for their lives.
To achieve this, there are several important things we have to keep in mind!
Ebil Carrot Co. is funded through strictly illegal ventures, to uphold the moral integrity, vision and mission of our company. We hire some of the best in the illegal financing business!
We guarantee that most of our high-quality, over-priced equipment come from only the best stores in the black market! Have our assurance that there is pocket-picking, swindling and embezzlement, all here at Ebil Carrot Co.!
Ebil Carrot Co. aims for equality among all races, sexes, and religions/non-religions! One of our visions is "Transparency and democracy." That is why we've got the best management policy around!
It's simple and easy to understand: all you have to do is listen to our good dictator, Bunnie! Failure to follow orders may result in a slow and painful death.
We'd also love to hear your feedback! Any complaints against the administrative policy can be filed straight into the incinerator.
The Great Almighty Dictator
Artist's rendition of our dear founder.
The Great Almighty Dictator of Ebil Carrot Co., also known by ignorant, unassuming mortals as "Bunnie
", is strictly to be referred to only as "miss" or "sir". No other terms of respect are to be tolerated, and failure to adhere to this policy shall be met with termination by defenestration.
She shall be treated with the utmost respect to highlight her species' superiority to you humans
. A carrot shall be willingly donated to her every first Friday of the month.
This is mandatory company policy and is not to be questioned, under threat of a visit to the company cafeteria.
Are you seriously reading this section? You're fired. Kindly turn yourself in at the next Termination Booth. Thank you.
But if you really must ask (and if you are smart, dishonest and cunning enough to lie about reading this part), we don't need a legal team. Legal teams are for suckers. We've got deadly weapons. Who the hell needs legal teams?
(That aside, as a future employee, you are obligated to report the presence of an OSHA inspector, or any other well-meaning public safety officer to your supervisor for immediate removal.)
Now, while it is important for business to have ample funds, a good legal team and superb management, there's one just more asset we're counting on:
You — yes, you, we've got cameras all around your house — are the worst instrument we can achieve this goal with! Seriously. Squishy humans? Hah! Who needs that
inferior species? But we need workers if we want to qualify as a legal establishment recognized by the government. (Of course, we don't need to be a strictly
legal establishment, but let's be pragmatic here: it always helps to avoid inquiries and legal fees.)
No, what we're actually counting on is our good dictator's evil machine, the Carrotinator. All you need to do is fear it, make others fear it, and give it a good reason to be feared, and you're all set. This makes the Carrotinator our number one asset, and even if it wasn't, it surely would be a greater asset than you. Haha!
First off, a note from our supremely superior leader:
The Carrotinator is an ebil death ray that is currently pointed at your quaint little house. Tremble in fear, mortal, lest you taste its almighty wrath.
Perhaps if you willingly and wholeheartedly applied for employment at my company, you may be spared.
~The Great Almighty Dictator
Alright then! Now that the pleasantries are over with, let us describe the Carrotinator!
Remember, no unauthorized employees are to touch the Carrotinator
, under pain of banishment into a hostile, alternate dimension. Keep that in mind, and you should be safe! Remember, at Ebil Carrot Co., employee safety is just under our number one priority!
Disclaimer: Generous rounding may have been applied to make figures seem more palatable. Of course that was dishonest and makes us scoundrels - what else is new?
Terms and Conditions of Employment
Despite the uselessness of hiring worthless human rascals, Ebil Carrot Co. needs YOU!
By choosing to apply, you hereby surrender all your deity-given rights (or born rights, if you don't have a deity).
Here is a list of requirements for applying for employment:
- You will need to Get Known.
- An all-consuming fear of the Carrotinator and its mighty Carrotinating powers.
- A great and deep respect for our founder and dictator Bunnie.
- A talent for evil, or a penchant for mischief and chaos.
- A semblance of competence (this one is particularly hard to achieve).
- A minumum donation of one (1) carrot.
Great job! So you've posted an (optional) application in the "Le Vandalisms" folder below. What now?
Add your name and title, following the format, below! Feel free to leave a comment next to your name, or under the name of another! We here at Ebil Carrot Co. support freedom of speech, as long as it contributes to further chaos at no cost to us.
- The Great Almighty Dictator: Bunnie
We hope you enjoy your working experience here at Ebil Carrot Co.! You'd better, under pain of excruciating pain! Haha.
~The Ebil Carrot Co. HR Team