Quotes: The War on Straw


"When first I became one of the New Anarchists I tried all kinds of respectable disguises. I dressed up as a bishop. I read up all about bishops in our anarchist pamphlets, in Superstition the Vampire and Priests of Prey. I certainly understood from them that bishops are strange and terrible old men keeping a cruel secret from mankind. I was misinformed. When on my first appearing in episcopal gaiters in a drawing-room I cried out in a voice of thunder, 'Down! down! presumptuous human reason!' they found out in some way that I was not a bishop at all. I was nabbed at once. Then I made up as a millionaire; but I defended Capital with so much intelligence that a fool could see that I was quite poor. Then I tried being a major. Now I am a humanitarian myself, but I have, I hope, enough intellectual breadth to understand the position of those who, like Nietzsche, admire violence — the proud, mad war of Nature and all that, you know. I threw myself into the major. I drew my sword and waved it constantly. I called out 'Blood!' abstractedly, like a man calling for wine. I often said, 'Let the weak perish; it is the Law.' Well, well, it seems majors don't do this. I was nabbed again."
Gregory, explaining his failed attempts to go undercover, The Man Who Was Thursday.

The man would walk right past her. He'd be alert, but not that alert. A slash would be better than a stab. Yes, a good swipe at head height would be...
...some mother's son, some sister's brother, some lad who'd followed the drum for a shilling and his first new suit. If only she'd been trained, if only she'd had a few weeks stabbing straw men until she could believe that all men were made of straw...
Polly Oliver, Monstrous Regiment


Granny: I am the humble and reasonable personification of the artist. I am humble and articulate on topics I have a basic grasp of.
Granny: Whoa, you need to relax! I'm obviously right because I am calm in this matter and thusly smarter than you.
Granny: Oh! Those poor SJW LGBTBBQJIDFWXYZ activists are so misguided!
—Ben Garrison parody

Web Original

"A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"

"Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
—Anonymous Copypasta

"Oh yeah, keep religion far, far away from wrestling. You’d think it would just be common sense, just like it is common sense to keep church and state separate. While there is often debate on exactly how separate they should be, the fact is that here in America, everyone pretty much has the right to worship whatever god they want, so long as they aren’t hanging up kidnapped victims on homemade crosses or cutting them open and extracting blood. Both of which, we’d like to note, have happened in pro wrestling’s version of religion."

"Essential Viewing: Kurt and Courtney. I like documentaries that are IN NO WAY objective."

"Zucker doesn't stop at Moore/Malone for pointed mockery; Carol also tackles loathsome American poxes such as college educations (the damn hippies are indoctrinating your kids, people!), exercising constitutional rights, and questioning leadership. The horror. The ACLU also gets a spanking (imagined as zombies enabling terrorists)."

"In the post Civil War Universe, Tony Stark, the leader on the side of government registration of known superheroes, was portrayed as kind of a giant prick, as was every hero on the registration side, regardless of whether or not they actually had a point. Meanwhile all the heroes on the side of those against hero registration were painted as cool rebels."

"Libertarians believe that the one-dimensional scale of the political "left-right" is insufficient to describe the many philosophies held by the general public. They introduced the Nolan Chart, which measures two dimensions of political opinion instead, conveniently placing themselves at the top, opposite Hitler."

"Bullshit! Using such tactics to “restore trust” in the vaccine program is akin to showing flaming car crashes and dead victims in order to “restore trust’ in automobile safety."

"Fox News is not a news channel, nor is it even really a propaganda channel. What it is is terrible professional wrestling. I mean, the black and white framing, with good guys and bad guys who you are telegraphed to cheer or boo depending on what faction they belong to. Moves that are so telegraphed, they can be used to call for mayday. Random taunting and trash talking of enemies. Random repeating of catchphrases and 'hit words of the day'. And let’s not even get started on the random “bikini babes” or the professional fembots. It’s like WWE’s slower, dumber cousin."

Real Life

"…in science as elsewhere, we fight for and against not men and things as they are, but for and against the caricatures we make of them."
Joseph Schumpeter, History of Economic Analysis, p. 86.