Quotes / The Alcoholic

Anime and Manga

"Alcohol is one of mankind's friends. Can I abandon a friend?"

—Yang Wen-Li, Legend of the Galactic Heroes

Comic Books

Constantine: Who the fuck would let you run a pub?

Brendan: [lying on the floor, surrounded by empty glasses] I'm only mindin' it for Thick Davy, John. He's on his holidays. It's been a veritable triumph, but: I'm tellin' yeh, by simply doin' away wi' outmoded concepts like licensin' laws an' payin' for drink, I've created Heaven on Earth.

— Hellblazer: Son Of Man

"Well, I guess it all took a turn for the worse when the mother caught me fucking her husband in the kitchen. She threw a punch. I hit her back. Next thing you know, we're wrestling on a bouncy castle and some kid's having an asthma attack. I think the moral of this story is never pour vodka on your breakfast cereal when you run out of milk."

— Cordelia Moonstone, The Magic Order

Nick Fury: Vodka and orange? It's 10 AM, Tony.

Tony Stark: Not in Moscow, old boy. Cheers, by the way.

— The Ultimates

Fan Works

"I must drink beer. Beer is the mind killer. Beer brings the hangover that causes total obliteration. I will scull my beer. I will let it pass through me, till only urine remains!"

— Captain Proton and the Planet of Lesbians

In this business, you only asked "what'll it be?" and let the customer do the talking, and more importantly, the drinking. And it was in the drinking that this strange girl had begun really drawing attention.

She'd turned up about half an hour ago, sat down at the bar and immediately ordered a glass of Red Ribbon Brandy, then a shot of Old Tom Whiskey, then a tumbler of Chechnya Vodka. Eventually, she'd decided to actually make use of the cocktail menu, and ordered a Gin Rickey, followed by a Gin and Tonic, then gave up and asked for Moonbeam Absinthe – with a specific request to leave the bottle. Now, she was quite clearly pickled, but the fact that this slip of a thing was still capable of speaking coherently and remaining upright was nothing short of incredible.

— After The Burial

"Imagine it. An alcoholic at 17. And you really say you aren’t a failure?"

— The Inner Monologue of Shin Kurata, The Indescribable Moments of our Lives

Films - Live Action

"God, I'd give anything for a drink...my goddamn soul, for just a glass of beer..."

— Jack Torrance, The Shining

John Linden: What's the matter? Don't you drink?
Mary Henry: Not really.
John: Well, I do. And not only do I drink really, I really drink.

—Carnival of Souls

"You know how most cops like to go out for a drink after work? Well, I kept moving on up... to the drink BEFORE work, the drink DURING work, and finally the drink INSTEAD OF work. It got to be a real problem; nobody wanted to deal with it, least of all me. Before I knew it, I was down to cleaning empty shells off the firing range."

—Jake, The Punisher (1989)

"Give me a scotch, I'm starving."

—Tony Stark, Iron Man

Valkyrie: I've spent years, in a haze, trying to forget my past. Sakaar seemed like the best place to drink, and to forget... and to die, one day.
Thor: Well, I was thinking that you drink too much and it was probably gonna kill you.

—Thor: Ragnarok

Mrs. Spicer: Domestic personnel?

David: Mr. Tandy, who I've no doubt you know.

Mrs. Spicer: Ah, yes. An inebriate.

— No Kidding

Literature

Armitage: Where are we going?
Peg: An inn.
The Dog: Yes! Do Faeries have sherry? They must do, right? Booze is the first thing any intelligent species invents. Sherry must exist here.
Armitage: Why an inn?
Peg: That is where we will find the Queen's contact. He is an awful creature who drinks too much and he falls unconscious every night.
The Dog: Sounds awesome.

— Clockwork City, by Paul Crilley

His dipsomania had gained considerable ground since his last serious episode, and when he awoke, his first instinct was to open a beer and begin the measured process of filtering reality for the rest of the day. It was a fine art, and he'd read once that Italian fishermen had long since mastered it. They would drink steadily throughout the day, beginning as their boats set out to sea and their nets were cast, but always pacing themselves so not to reach the tipping point of total inebriation. It was not an easy discipline, since wine has a thirst all of its own, but Riaz followed the regime during daylight hours. It was only at twilight that he allowed himself to lose control entirely, and his thoughts turned to a certain story – or maybe it was a fable – written by F. Scott Fitzgerald in the 1920s of a dipso who had lost himself and climbed into the bottle for a couple of decades but who, after sobering up, found himself a total stranger in the New York he'd never actually left.

— Decay, by Mark Samuels

Above my bunk, Vinegar Irish is asleep and snoring in his bed. He won't see me leave the dormitory room. After drinking so much this evening - the cleaning liquid with the wet paint smell that I stole from the stores for him - he climbed into bed on his hands and knees with eyes looking at nothing in particular. Most mornings it takes me over twenty minutes to wake him for our work upstairs behind the reception desks. He drinks all day, can remember nothing, and needs his sleep. His face is purple with veins and his lumpy nose smells of bad yeast.

— Doll Hands, by Adam L G Nevill

Chelsie: How can you be so calm about this?
Amelia: Easy. I'm drunk. You should try it sometime. You clearly need a better coping mechanism.

— The Heartstrikers

Mrs Greenough sniffs and looks around the hall. "I can smell alcohol. Someone in this room has been drinking. We should find out who it is and make them swallow hot lead."

I am confident that the person who has been drinking alcohol is Mrs Greenough herself. Her breath smells of mint, but there is also the heady aroma of gin, cider, brandy, sherry, and petroleum.

— The Life Of A Teenage Body-Snatcher

Why are you drinking? - the little prince asked.
- In order to forget - replied the drunkard.
- To forget what? - inquired the little prince, who was already feeling sorry for him.
- To forget that I am ashamed - the drunkard confessed, hanging his head.
- Ashamed of what? - asked the little prince who wanted to help him.
- Ashamed of drinking! - concluded the drunkard, withdrawing into total silence.

— The Little Prince

When annoyed he was fond of saying, "God, it's amazing I'm not a dipsomaniac," and then correcting himself: "Oh, wait, that's right..." It had been funny the first time. Sort of.

At Brakebills, Eliot had started drinking at dinnertime, earlier on weekends, which was fine because all the upperclassmen drank at dinner, though not all of them bartered their desserts for extra glasses of wine the way Eliot did. In Manhattan, with no professors watching over them and no classes to be sober for, Eliot was rarely without a glass of something in his hand from one in the afternoon on. Usually it was something relatively innocuous, white wine or Campari or a big dilute tumbler of bourbon and soda clunking with ice. But still. Once when Eliot was nursing a stubborn cold, Quentin remarked lightly that maybe he should consider something more wholesome than a vodka-tonic with which to chase his plastic jigger of DayQuil.

"I'm sick, I'm not dead," Eliot snapped. And that was that.

— The Magicians

He hadn't believed he was an alcoholic, Jack thought as Al's telephone began ringing in his ear. The classes he had missed or taught unshaven, still reeking of last night martians. Not me, I can stop anytime. The nights he and Wendy had passed in separate beds. Listen, I'm fine. Mashed fenders. Sure I'm okay to drive. Tears she always shed in the bathroom. Cautious looks from his colleagues at any party where alcohol was served, even wine. The slowly dawning realization that he was being talked about.

— The Shining

Captain Billy Bones: Rum Jim. Fetch me rum.

Jim: I can't, Captain! I promised Dr. Livesy.

Captain Billy Bones: Oh, hang all doctors. Give me rum.

— Treasure Island

Live Action TV

Richie: What's in this?!

Eddie: Brandy!

Richie: Good!

Eddie: Meths, pernod, paintstripper, Mr. Sheen, brake fluid and Drambuie!

Richie: [sarcastically with an effeminate voice and camp gesture] Drambuie?! Oooh hoo-hoo ooooh!

Eddie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright! You've gotta put something in for the birds, haven't you?

Richie: [taking a whiff] Jesus! How are you alive?!

Eddie: I may very well not be!

— Bottom, "Hole"

"It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy."

— Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

"I'm just trying to make a living, you know, booze costs money. Usually."

— Jessica, Jessica Jones (2015)

"I think I have liver damage. Also, we're out of wine."

— Eliot, The Magicians (2016)

Randy: Mr. Lahey, is that you, or the liquor talking?
Lahey: Randy... I am the liquor.

— Trailer Park Boys

Music

And you know that I'll pick up every time you call, just thinking 'one more time'—Alcohol!

— Gogol Bordello, Alcohol

"I fought against the bottle, but I had to do it drunk."

— Leonard Cohen, "That Don't Make It Junk"

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad
Worst hangover that I ever had
It took six hamburgers and Scotch all night
Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right

— Dire Straits, "Heavy Fuel"

Take your Christmas lights down, ya lazy bum
I look across the street and I see your wreath
It reminds me of my old drunk uncle, Pete
Take the lampshade off, you're not funny
Barf up some turkey from your drunk yummy tummy
Try to play poker, but you can't read the cards
Lyin', cheatin', stealin', brain's working too hard
Drunk uncle Pete, can't stand on two feet
You're whiskey, you're a shot glass, you're a forty ounce
You're family

— Methods of Mayhem, "Drunk Uncle Pete"

I know that one less vodka cranberry tonight
And I could feed some foreign family for a fortnight
But I might just have one more
After all, what is vodka for?
Apart from making you wanna shag your best mate's wife
And dampening the guilt you feel about your perfect life

— Tim Minchin, Fuck The Poor

And look at me, your mum squatting pissed in a tube hole
At Tottenham Court Road, I just come out of The Ship
Talking to the most blonde I ever met
Shouting "Lager lager lager lager"
Shouting "Lager lager lager lager"
Shouting "Lager lager lager lager"
Shouting "Lager lager lager"
Shouting "Mega mega white thing mega mega
White thing mega mega white thing mega mega"
Shouting, "Lager lager lager lager
Mega mega white thing mega mega white thing"
So many things to see and do in the tube hole, true blonde
Going back to Romford, mega mega mega
Going back to Romford, hi mum, are you having fun?
And now are you on your way to a new tension and headache?

— Underworld, "Born Slippy .NUXX"

Good Morning Mimosa
Cocktails in the summer afternoon
Spent the evening hung over
Champagne for the night time blues

— blackbear, "Valley Girls"

Radio

Estate executor: Next, to my alcoholic brother...
Hedge: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!
Estate executor: To dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life...
Hedge: I'm covering up my head! (takes cover)
Estate executor: ...I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey...
Hedge: (raises head) ...really?
Estate executor: And a boot to the head!

— The Frantics, "Last Will and Temperament"

Tabletop Games

You wouldn't peg Trev as a Hermetic these days. Now he's more of a drunk veteran. He shows up at Perilous almost nightly, mumbling war stories to anybody who'll listen (and plenty who won't). He never dances, but makes up for it by drinking a lot.

— Mage: The Ascension - The Orphan's Survival Guide

Video Games

Alvin: You don't have to drown yourself in alcohol, Azzy. There are other ways.
Azzy: But this one's the— *hic* ...quickest way!
Alvin: No, Azzy. S-STOP! Just, STOP!
Azzy: Why should I?! I already t-told you it helps—
Alvin: Because it's going to KILL you!

—Annventure of a Lifetime

You'll die for interrupting my morning Tequila!

— Paulo Sanchez, Dead Man's Hand

"It has been brought to your attention that you're an alcoholic. And that it's a sickness. And it's killing you. You're crawling on your knees through life, your booze-filled belly dragging on the ground, your brain now fuzzy, now in overdrive, your hair sticking together with today's cold sweat and yesterday's vomit. Perhaps they’re right. Anything is better than this. Even bone-dry reality itself. Maybe you can quit?"

— Waste Land of Reality, Disco Elysium

"S/he needs alcohol to get through the working day."

— Every single dwarf's profile in Dwarf Fortress

I'm gonna... get another bottle of wine. [...] I wish I didn't have to...
(Obtained Bottle of Wine.)

— Arold Baker, in response to yet another family argument at the dinner table, Empty Head

Let that be a lesson to you, Larry. The cabbies of this town are notorious drunks. Never enter a cab carrying anything that's obviously alcohol!

— Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded if Larry takes a cab while alcohol is in his inventory, resulting in a Drunk Driver crash

"Is it too early to start drinking yet? That's a rhetorical question."

— Civilian, South Park: The Fractured but Whole

"Have ye heard aboot the Beer of the Month Club? Well, I joined the Beer All at Once Club."

— The Demoman, Team Fortress 2 Ring of Fired

"I don't drink anymore. 'Course I don't drink any less either."

— Male Dwarf joke, World of Warcraft

"Fetch me some Nemract Whiskey, my throat is sore from all this talking and accursed hot weather... hic! What do you mean there's no Nemract Whiskey left? Well my throat is still sore, so how about I recieve some rum you salty dog? WHAT? No rum either?! This is outrageous! Why's the rum always gone... I didn't drink it... or did I? Maybe I should stop drinking for a while..."

—Seaskipper Captain, Wynncraft

Webcomics

"99 bottles of vodka on the wall! 99 bottles of vodkaaaa! Shoopity doopity doopity doop!"

— Granin, "Let's Destroy The Shagohod!"

Web Original

"DRINK MORE BEER"

— Starstruck, Bronyism

"Have some whiskey, honey! Makes ya feel better!"

— Mother Grandma, from Liam Kyle Sullivan's "Kelly" shorts

Winter: [indignantly] He was drunk!
Glynda: He's always drunk!

— RWBY (on Qrow)

"See, fun fact about Officer Eiffel: Dougie Boy doesn't like to have a drink. Dougie Boy doesn't like to have two drinks, or four drinks, or six drinks. Doug likes to have twelve drinks. Fifteen drinks. But when Doug has a kid, he thinks it's time to go the full Robert Downey Jr.. He goes to meetings, gets cleaned up. And then one day - one bad day - he has one drink. One. Then it's showtime folks! The Doug Eiffel Limbo: How Low Will He Go?!"

— Doug Eiffel, Wolf 359

Western Animation

"I'm scared if I stop drinking all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me."

— Archer, Archer

Todd: Are you drunk?
BoJack: Todd, I weigh over 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk.
[camera pans out to reveal the room is filled with empty bottles and kegs]
BoJack: ...Yes.

— BoJack Horseman

"WHY DO YOU QUIT WORKING ON ME?! She always fools me, Orel. 'I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!' And she CHOKES me just like every other WHORE out there!"

— Clay, Moral Orel

"Oh God it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver Morty! It's the hardest working liver in the galaxy Morty! And now it has a hole in it."

— Rick, Rick and Morty

"To alcohol—the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"

— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Real Life

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.' 'Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right.

—Mitch Hedberg

"I told my buddy Richie, I said 'You know, it's true you have a disease and everything, but... I think you have the best one.' It's the only disease where you get to drink booze all the time. Now, I haven't read every medical journal, but I believe... it's the only disease where you get to constantly drink booze. As a matter of fact, that is the disease."

—Norm Macdonald

People who public with their newly found sobriety have an alarming tendency to relapse. Consider those pathetic celebrities who check into rehab and hold a press conference....People who tell everyone they've gone two weeks without a drink are on thin ice.

—Roger Ebert

An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards quicker than he can lower them.

— Robin Williams

It usually takes two liters of vodka just to make me feel warm inside.

—André the Giant

"But those passages of pointless linguistic pirouetting? The arguments that don’t track if you look beneath the bravura phrasing? Forgive the cliché: that was the booze talking."

— Katha Pollitt, on Christopher Hitchens

The middle classes are completely hammered already, and are the perfect group to go after as they are the least likely to notice. Most of them don’t plan on sobering up until the youngest has gone to university and they have plucked up enough courage to ask for a divorce. Until then, the sun will always be over the yardarm, the days a hungover blur, the evenings like a free bar at a tramp’s funeral, and the bank statements all shredded unopened.

—Frankie Boyle, "Frankie Boyle’s conference roundup: Labour’s haunted tennis ball and the Slytherin chancellor"

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