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Comic Strips
Jon: This is my uncle, "Tough Bob." He once had surgery with no anesthetic!
Garfield: That is tough!
Jon: Soon after, they changed his name to "Screaming Bob".
Garfield: That is tough!
Jon: Soon after, they changed his name to "Screaming Bob".
— Garfield
Film — Animation
Miles: [handed a 0/100 scored test] A zero? Wha, a few more of those, you’d probably have to kick me outta here, huh? Maybe I’m just not right for this school.
Teacher: If a person wearing a blindfold picked the answers on a true-false quiz at random, do you know what score they would get?
Miles: 50%?
Teacher: That's right! And the only way to get all the answers wrong is to know which answers are right. [changes grade to 100 as Miles nods in defeat] You're trying to quit. And I'm not gonna let you.
Teacher: If a person wearing a blindfold picked the answers on a true-false quiz at random, do you know what score they would get?
Miles: 50%?
Teacher: That's right! And the only way to get all the answers wrong is to know which answers are right. [changes grade to 100 as Miles nods in defeat] You're trying to quit. And I'm not gonna let you.
Film — Live Action
"You can bake cookies in a tree, but you can imagine it's dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during dry season."
— Papa Elf, Elf
Van Dough: What is all of this crap?
Regina Rich: These are our treasured possessions!
Van Dough: But where's the gold... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money! [points his gun at them] Where is the money?
Richard Rich Sr: In banks! Where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Regina Rich: These are our treasured possessions!
Van Dough: But where's the gold... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money! [points his gun at them] Where is the money?
Richard Rich Sr: In banks! Where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Live-Action TV
"If you saw a movie that was like real life you'd be like 'What the hell was that movie about? It was really all over the place!'
Life doesn't make narrative sense."
Life doesn't make narrative sense."
— Josh Groban, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, "The End of the Movie"
Video Games
"And so Luis enjoyed the freedom of outer space on Luis Day. Until he ran out of oxygen... THE END."
You come charging down the aisle, running at the shooter full speed!
You're going to clobber this asshole and be the big hero!
You're going to save so many lives.
You're going to tackle him to the ground and bash his head in!
It's going to be just like in the movies!!
You make it about five feet before the shooter spots you and shoots you dead.
You're going to clobber this asshole and be the big hero!
You're going to save so many lives.
You're going to tackle him to the ground and bash his head in!
It's going to be just like in the movies!!
You make it about five feet before the shooter spots you and shoots you dead.
"Shit sounds cool, right? The power to control time. Immortality. Destiny. Well let me tell ya, this job sucks. There's no pay, no weekends, and your shift lasts forever."
— Kabal, Mortal Kombat 11
Webcomics
Luckily, I spot an endangered eagle as I fall towards the earth!
Saxton Hale: Aha! I can use this noble creature to glide safely to the ground!
This turns out not to be the case! Instead, my weight causes the eagle to plummet also.
Saxton Hale: Aha! I can use this noble creature to glide safely to the ground!
This turns out not to be the case! Instead, my weight causes the eagle to plummet also.
Web Video
Appsro: You know what I think did it? I picked up a little fish and I shot that little fish into my base.
Neebs: Why would you do that?!
Appsro: Because it's a little fish! I wouldn't expect a little damn fish to completely damage the hull of my base!
Neebs: It's a Propulsion Cannon!
Appsro: I KNOW! But it's a little fish!
Neebs: It's got the word "Propulsion" in it!
Appsro: Yeah, but the fish should hit the damn base and just explode! The base is made of, like, metal and fuckin' alloy! The fish is, like, an organic thing! It should just burst!
Neebs: When there's a tornado, like, a piece of straw can go through a barn.
Appsro: Yes, but, I mean, it's not shooting it that fast.
Neebs: It's a Propulsion Cannon!
Appsro: YEAH, BUT IT DOESN'T SHOOT IT THAT FAST!!!
Neebs: Why would you do that?!
Appsro: Because it's a little fish! I wouldn't expect a little damn fish to completely damage the hull of my base!
Neebs: It's a Propulsion Cannon!
Appsro: I KNOW! But it's a little fish!
Neebs: It's got the word "Propulsion" in it!
Appsro: Yeah, but the fish should hit the damn base and just explode! The base is made of, like, metal and fuckin' alloy! The fish is, like, an organic thing! It should just burst!
Neebs: When there's a tornado, like, a piece of straw can go through a barn.
Appsro: Yes, but, I mean, it's not shooting it that fast.
Neebs: It's a Propulsion Cannon!
Appsro: YEAH, BUT IT DOESN'T SHOOT IT THAT FAST!!!
— Neebs Gaming, Subnautica #9
Western Animation
Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Mayor Adam West: Oh my.
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor Adam West: I see.
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Mayor Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly!
Mayor Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
Mayor Adam West: Oh my.
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor Adam West: I see.
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Mayor Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly!
Mayor Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
"Aaaaaaah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaah!!"
— Peter Griffin injuring himself while trying to dive into a giant room full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck, Family Guy, "Lottery Fever"
(A knock on the door.)
Joe: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Burbeck. Do you have a daughter named Jennifer, who is currently smeared across Highway 9?
Peter: Joe, it's us.
Joe: Oh, sorry. That's next stop. Peter, your son was lurking outside a classmate's window with this boom box playing Peter Gabriel. He's being charged with felony stalking.
Chris: I also tried to use science to make a sex slave from a magazine photo.
Lois: Oh this is horrifying!
Joe: Actually, it's the '80s.
Lois: What?
Joe: Well, it appears that someone has exposed your son to the very problematic teen films of the 1980s.
Joe: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Burbeck. Do you have a daughter named Jennifer, who is currently smeared across Highway 9?
Peter: Joe, it's us.
Joe: Oh, sorry. That's next stop. Peter, your son was lurking outside a classmate's window with this boom box playing Peter Gabriel. He's being charged with felony stalking.
Chris: I also tried to use science to make a sex slave from a magazine photo.
Lois: Oh this is horrifying!
Joe: Actually, it's the '80s.
Lois: What?
Joe: Well, it appears that someone has exposed your son to the very problematic teen films of the 1980s.
— Family Guy, "80's Guy"
Reagan Ridley: Hey Dad, I did an experiment! By carefully exposing my turtles to select doses of radiation, I've begun transforming them into a radical tubular crime fighting team! Like on TV!
Rand Ridley: Sweetie, that is so inventive and the cutest little experiment ever.
Reagan: Are you... proud of me?
Rand: HA! Are you kidding? You just gave those turtles cancer! [laughs]
Reagan: What?
Rand: Yeah! What were you thinking? You just Chernobyl'ed their insides into turtle soup!
Reagan: Even Mipsy? [Mipsy vomits]
Rand: Especially Mipsy! Mipsy is gonna die, honey! Oh ho, gosh! What a cute idea! Stupid, but cute! [Reagan tears up as Rand pulls out a pistol] Okay kid, let's go put down your turtles together. [cocks pistol]
Rand Ridley: Sweetie, that is so inventive and the cutest little experiment ever.
Reagan: Are you... proud of me?
Rand: HA! Are you kidding? You just gave those turtles cancer! [laughs]
Reagan: What?
Rand: Yeah! What were you thinking? You just Chernobyl'ed their insides into turtle soup!
Reagan: Even Mipsy? [Mipsy vomits]
Rand: Especially Mipsy! Mipsy is gonna die, honey! Oh ho, gosh! What a cute idea! Stupid, but cute! [Reagan tears up as Rand pulls out a pistol] Okay kid, let's go put down your turtles together. [cocks pistol]
(Bart is in the park, playing three games of chess at the same time against three opponents.)
Bystander: Hey, that little boy is playing three games at once!
Opponent 1: Checkmate.
Opponent 2: Checkmate.
Opponent 3: Checkmate.
Bart: Dang.
Bystander: Hey, that little boy is playing three games at once!
Opponent 1: Checkmate.
Opponent 2: Checkmate.
Opponent 3: Checkmate.
Bart: Dang.
