Fiction
Nicholas Angel: YOU! When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker: Uh... 8th of May, nineteen....sixty...nine.
Angel: You're 37.
Underage Drinker: Yeah?
Angel: Get Out!.
Underage Drinker: Uh... 8th of May, nineteen....sixty...nine.
Angel: You're 37.
Underage Drinker: Yeah?
Angel: Get Out!.
The NF are far too stupid for that. They could stick a sawed-off shotgun up me arse, pull the trigger two times and still miss.
—Gene Hunt, Life on Mars (2006)
Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the perfect crime: girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime.
Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period.
—Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad
Y'know, you assume that criminals are gonna be smarter than they are. I dunno...
—Jimmy McGill, Better Call Saul
Sonny: Now you gotta understand something. If we leave the country, there's no going back here. You know what I mean? There's no going back, so if there's anybody you wanna talk to, you wanna say goodbye to, do it now.
Sal: No.
Sonny: Is there any special country you wanna go to?
Sal: Wyoming.
Sal: No.
Sonny: Is there any special country you wanna go to?
Sal: Wyoming.
Charlie: This is great — just great! Now we don't know where the goddamn stuff is.
Wesley: He told us it's 'in the Buick.'
Charlie: We don't know which Buick, do we?
Wesley: Well, why'd you shoot him?
Charlie: I HAD to shoot him! It was the only decent thing to do after you scalped him!
Wesley: He told us it's 'in the Buick.'
Charlie: We don't know which Buick, do we?
Wesley: Well, why'd you shoot him?
Charlie: I HAD to shoot him! It was the only decent thing to do after you scalped him!
Olivia: So shoot me. I forgot to get rid of the bullets.
Gregory: Unfortunately, 'darling,' they don't do it that way any longer; they use lethal injection!
Gregory: Unfortunately, 'darling,' they don't do it that way any longer; they use lethal injection!
Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter. You come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer? Alarm bells are ringing, Willie!
Willie: We need fertilizer, Winston.
Winston: We also need a cash register. This money's got to be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Oh, and if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer, could you just be a little more subtle?
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist! That's what I mean, Willie.
Willie: We need fertilizer, Winston.
Winston: We also need a cash register. This money's got to be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Oh, and if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer, could you just be a little more subtle?
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist! That's what I mean, Willie.
Gary the Scouser: Shotguns? As in guns that fire shots?
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation, then. That's right, guns that fire shot. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There'll be a load of old guns, that's all I want. Everything else, outside the cabinet, you can keep. It's yours.
Gary: Oh, thank you very much. There better be something there for us.
Barry: It's a fucking stately house. Of course there'll be something there.
Dean the Scouser: Like what?
Barry: Like fucking antiques.
Dean: Antiques? What the fook do we know about antiques? We rob post offices.
Gary: We steal cars.
Dean: What the fook do we know about antiques, mate?
Barry: If it looks old, it's expensive. So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
Gary: So, who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?
Barry: You're doing it for me, is all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary: I see. One of those "on a need to know basis" things, is it? Like one of those James Bond films.
Barry: Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.... Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done, ta-ta. (as he walks away, under his breath) Fuckin' northern monkeys!
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation, then. That's right, guns that fire shot. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There'll be a load of old guns, that's all I want. Everything else, outside the cabinet, you can keep. It's yours.
Gary: Oh, thank you very much. There better be something there for us.
Barry: It's a fucking stately house. Of course there'll be something there.
Dean the Scouser: Like what?
Barry: Like fucking antiques.
Dean: Antiques? What the fook do we know about antiques? We rob post offices.
Gary: We steal cars.
Dean: What the fook do we know about antiques, mate?
Barry: If it looks old, it's expensive. So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
Gary: So, who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?
Barry: You're doing it for me, is all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary: I see. One of those "on a need to know basis" things, is it? Like one of those James Bond films.
Barry: Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.... Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done, ta-ta. (as he walks away, under his breath) Fuckin' northern monkeys!
Most criminals are kind of dumb, which is why they're criminals. If they weren't criminals, they'd be doing something else to screw up people's lives, like running elections in Florida. The fact that Torrans had tried to hold up a gas station armed with only a pool ball in a sock indicated that he wasn't about to step up to the majors just yet. I'd heard rumors that he'd developed a taste for smack and OxyContin in recent months, and nothing will scramble a man's intelligence faster than the old "hillbilly heroin."
Jake: So, again, your alibi is: a mysterious stranger handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it, robbed the store... and then hid the gun in your underpants.
Suspect: Well, yeah, if you say it like that, it don't sound believable!
Suspect: Well, yeah, if you say it like that, it don't sound believable!
Spongebob: Alright, put the money in the bag! PUT IT IN!!
Teller: You're facing the wrong way, sir.
Spongebob: Bahahahaha! ALRIGHT, GIMME THE MONEY!!
Teller: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
Spongebob: Oh. Savings.
Norrington: No additional shot nor powder, a compass that doesn't point north... [checks his sword] And I half expected it to be made of wood. You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.
Trevor: That checks cashed place? I went in, took 'em for eight grand, walked out.
Michael: It was a bit more complicated than that, though. Wasn't it, T?
Trevor: Maybe I knew the guy, maybe he ID'd me.
Michael: Maybe you did sixth months.
Trevor: Maybe I was out in four. And that, children, is why we don't leave witnesses.
Michael: That, children, is why you don't rob people that you KNOW!
Michael: It was a bit more complicated than that, though. Wasn't it, T?
Trevor: Maybe I knew the guy, maybe he ID'd me.
Michael: Maybe you did sixth months.
Trevor: Maybe I was out in four. And that, children, is why we don't leave witnesses.
Michael: That, children, is why you don't rob people that you KNOW!
Ryder: Give up the money! This a raid!
Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: Ryder! Not this again!
Ryder: It ain't me, fool!
Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!
CJ: Shit, you crazy! Let's get up outta here!
Ryder: Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!
(As Ryder insults CJ, the employee grabs a shotgun and shoots at the two.)
Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: This pizza parlor's no pushover!
Luke: It's by the grace of God that we don't have three people burned up in a house fire, yeah, but it's also by the grace of God that this guy apparently didn't even pass the third grade to realize how stupid all of this is, and thinking he'd get away with it...
Nash: It's like the motherfuckers think they're, like, the protagonists in a fuckin' edgelord film.
Luke: Right? They think "oh well, I've seen this in video games and other stuff too, it can't be that hard to do in real life."
—What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, 12/4/17
, on an especially dimwitted arsonist
, on an especially dimwitted arsonistLeader: Smokestack, got a couple notes for ya. How about next week when we try this robbery again, we don't go running screaming towards the bank from 8 blocks away. For two reasons. 1, it draws attention to ourselves. What was it you were yelling again?
Smokestack: Put your hands up, Bank.
Leader: Right, yes. That draws attention. And 2, we all see you get tired and you have to steal a couple blocks away from the bank to catch your breath. Right? Okay, Train Bike, maybe lets not bring our guitar to the robbery next week?
Train Bike:(gestures you got it)
Leader: Good. Flatbaby, who the f**k were all those people?
Flatbaby: I had some friends visiting from outta town.
Leader: Okay, well don't bring them to the robbery! I can't believe I have to remind you about this, but what we're doing isn't exactly legal.
Smokestack: Put your hands up, Bank.
Leader: Right, yes. That draws attention. And 2, we all see you get tired and you have to steal a couple blocks away from the bank to catch your breath. Right? Okay, Train Bike, maybe lets not bring our guitar to the robbery next week?
Train Bike:(gestures you got it)
Leader: Good. Flatbaby, who the f**k were all those people?
Flatbaby: I had some friends visiting from outta town.
Leader: Okay, well don't bring them to the robbery! I can't believe I have to remind you about this, but what we're doing isn't exactly legal.
—Whitest Kids U Know, Robbery.
They attempted to steal on a busy street in the Neiborhood... didn't hide their faces at all... plus the car wouldn't be in their name since they stole it, so they wouldn't be able to sell it anyway. I'm amazed at how lousy they are.
—Tachibana describing Akamatsu and Hiiragi who tried to steal his car in Etra chan saw it!
describing Akamatsu and Hiiragi who tried to steal his car in Etra chan saw it!Real Life
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree appeared to be the robber's first try, due to his lack of a previous record of violence AND his terminally stupid choices, as follows:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms - a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter having coffee before work.
Upon entering the premises, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, covered by several customers who also drew their guns, thereby removing the confused criminal from the gene pool.
No one else was hurt.
Liddy never actually broke into the Watergate, but directed the operation from across the street. The rest of the plumbers were discovered as that CIA training failed them — one of them had left the tape they used to keep a lock open on the door and it was discovered by the security guard.
—Rational Wiki on G. Gordon Liddy
Mike Danton, born Mike Jefferson, played hockey for the St. Louis Blues until 2004, when he tried to hire a police dispatcher to kill his agent. He probably couldn't have masterminded his own capture any better if he broke into a police station to film himself having sex with a rape kit.
It's worth noting that his first response to the news site that labeled him a pimp was to threaten to "come down there and slap the shit out everyone I see", which we admit doesn't at all sound like something a pimp would say.
That dumb scam artist spends years helping her even-dumber husband file phony forms and hiding cash, then tries to tip-toe out away from the scene of the crime by accepting a plea agreement, then ends up with a one-way ticket to the big house and starts blaming her lawyers for not explaining what a plea agreement was. I bet her lawyers could have tried explaining that shit using finger puppets and a song set to the tune of fucking Frère Jacques, and that delusional twat still wouldn’t be able to understand.
—Michael K., "Teresa Giudice Blames Her Lawyers For Getting 15 Months In Jail"
, "Teresa Giudice Blames Her Lawyers For Getting 15 Months In Jail"By the way, the old clip of Joe Niekro trying to get away with scuffing baseballs remains a masterpiece of high comedy. I love that he thought he could get away with doing this on television, with people all around him, and his dopey emery board lying there in full view of everyone on the field of play. Only a baseball player would think that was a great plan. "No one will ever know!"
—Drew Magary, "Sports Crimes Ranked"
, "Sports Crimes Ranked"Never once in the at least two dozen times I had watched Hudson Hawk did it occur to me that these supposed master thieves are actually the worst thieves to have ever thieved. If you're planning a heist and a fellow thief says you should all get some watches, and then you suggest singing a jaunty tune instead, they're taking away your thieves guild card, along with your guild health plan.
Let's recap: The studio you were going to rob was an undercover police operation, and you accidentally called the police you were about to rob, and it was while you were actively discussing robbing them. Life really doesn't want you guys to be criminals.
So, if I'm found innocent, does that mean I get to keep the stuff I took?
—Accused Thief in Court, Not Always Legal
This will be the last expedition imagined by Bob Dalton: the simultaneous attack of two banks the same day. What our gangsters don't know is they of course have been recognized despite their fake beards by those who lived with them during several years. [...] The bank clerk tells them: "the safe's timer doesn't open before 9:45." You obviously think it's a trickery, the safe wasn't even locked. [...] Did you ever see this, bandits standing there and placidly waiting for the safe's official opening? [The delay won by the clerk's wit allowed the Coffeyville's citizen to organize a counterattack which stopped surrounded the banks, cut the gang's retreat, and eventually killed or wounded its members, putting an end to the robbery.]
[...] [The Dalton brothers] never tried, to be imaginative or inventive in any of their robberies. The only time they tried to be imaginative was the Coffeyville bank robbery, and you know the result: a completely failed double-attack which put an end to their deplorable exploits, which is quite meaningful, because a banker which manages to buy precious time by convincing one of the Daltons, the one who was supposed to be the smartest of them, and who is wearing a fake beard which is falling while he nicely waits for the opening of the safe, who manages to convince him he has to wait for a timer to access the bank's treasure, it's a bit too much. And you have to imagine the three guys who are there, in the bank, quietly waiting to be opened the safe!
: the simultaneous attack of two banks the same day. What our gangsters don't know is they of course have been recognized despite their fake beards by those who lived with them during several years. [...] The bank clerk tells them: "the safe's timer doesn't open before 9:45." You obviously think it's a trickery, the safe wasn't even locked. [...] Did you ever see this, bandits standing there and placidly waiting for the safe's official opening? [The delay won by the clerk's wit allowed the Coffeyville's citizen to organize a counterattack which stopped surrounded the banks, cut the gang's retreat, and eventually killed or wounded its members, putting an end to the robbery.][...] [The Dalton brothers] never tried, to be imaginative or inventive in any of their robberies. The only time they tried to be imaginative was the Coffeyville bank robbery, and you know the result: a completely failed double-attack which put an end to their deplorable exploits, which is quite meaningful, because a banker which manages to buy precious time by convincing one of the Daltons, the one who was supposed to be the smartest of them, and who is wearing a fake beard which is falling while he nicely waits for the opening of the safe, who manages to convince him he has to wait for a timer to access the bank's treasure, it's a bit too much. And you have to imagine the three guys who are there, in the bank, quietly waiting to be opened the safe!
—Franck Ferrand raconte, "Les véritables Dalton"note
As a drug dealer, shadh1 was really really bad at his job. One of the key performance indicators is an ability to stay off the radar of law enforcement authorities, who are obliged to arrest and prosecute people who sell drugs to other people when they find out it's happening.
Shadh1 failed miserably at the whole stealth thing. He allowed customers to pass on his phone number to complete strangers for the purposes of ordering drugs, kept every single incriminating text message ever sent or received and left all the paraphernalia that screams 'drug dealer' strewn around his house. He ordered drugs to his home address and his own name from countries from which mail is known to be more heavily scrutinised. When twelve pieces of mail went missing, he just kept ordering more – to the same name and the same address – without stopping to wonder what happened to the ones that never showed. He created a vendor account on the most famous online black market in the world, choosing an unusual username – the only other place it could be found was on his BMW's numberplate.
So it wasn't altogether surprising that he got busted 6 months into his new career.
Shadh1 failed miserably at the whole stealth thing. He allowed customers to pass on his phone number to complete strangers for the purposes of ordering drugs, kept every single incriminating text message ever sent or received and left all the paraphernalia that screams 'drug dealer' strewn around his house. He ordered drugs to his home address and his own name from countries from which mail is known to be more heavily scrutinised. When twelve pieces of mail went missing, he just kept ordering more – to the same name and the same address – without stopping to wonder what happened to the ones that never showed. He created a vendor account on the most famous online black market in the world, choosing an unusual username – the only other place it could be found was on his BMW's numberplate.
So it wasn't altogether surprising that he got busted 6 months into his new career.
— Eileen Ormsby, Shadh1 - penalised for not propping up Aussie organised crime?
