open/close all folders
Comedy
Michael McIntyre: Now, I should tell you that I'm married to a beautiful woman. She's out of my league. She's like properly... She's hot. And I know that she's out of my league because everybody who meets us, and meets her, tells us immediately. They can't help it. They just look at us and go... "Why?" They don't understand. She is a ten. She's a ten. No doubt about it, she's a ten. I am like, well... maybe with a diet and a... and a tan, and a... and a great... a great distance and a short-sighted affliction... and a low lighting, maybe a six. Or a five. I'm feeling it's a four from this reaction.
—Michael McIntyre: Showman
Comic Books
Beatriz da Costa / Fire: [watching a handsome worker hauling their stuff] What do you think Sue— a seven?
Sue Dibny: Him? Wake up and smell the Streisand— he's gay.
Fire: How do you known?
Sue: Well, for one thing he's been studying Max's butt the way you've been studying his.
Fire: I still think he's a seven. Maybe even an eight.
Sue: You don't actually rate men On a Scale from One to Ten, do you?
Fire: Of course I do.
Sue: Don't you think that's a tad juvenile? Not to mention sexist?
Fire: You're only saying that because you're married to a four.
Sue: Excuse me?
Fire: Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure Ralph has his endearing qualities—Most of which escape me at this moment—But you've got to admit—On the physical level—He's a four.
Sue: I'll have you know that my husband is loving, compassionate... he has a wonderful sense of humor, he—
Fire: He's a four.
Sue: He has flexible body parts!
Fire: [suddenly interested] Hmmmmm. But how well does he use them?
Sue: [hesitantly] How well does he—?
Fire: See? A definite four. Now Plastic Man! There is someone who knows how to—
Ralph Dibny / Elongated Man: [walks up behind them] Hey ladies — Whatcha doing?
Sue: [whisphering to herself] Oh my god... I'm married to a four!
Ralph: What'd you say sweetie?
Fire: [looking at another guy] Now there's an eight!
Ralph: You're not doing that thing where you rate men on a scale of one to ten, are you, Sue?
Fire: Oh. Does she do that?
Ralph: All the time. I'd be embarrassing... except she always tells me I'm a perfect ten!
Fire: [looking smugly at Sue] Perfect?
Sue: In his way.
Ralph: My wife, on the other hand, couldn't be rated—'Cause she's off the scale!
Sue: That's my hubby!
Ralph: [walking away] Well... gotta go talk to Max
Sue: He is a four—But I really love him.
Ralph: [from the distance] WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A FOUR?!
Fire: He heard you
Sue: Y'think?
Sue Dibny: Him? Wake up and smell the Streisand— he's gay.
Fire: How do you known?
Sue: Well, for one thing he's been studying Max's butt the way you've been studying his.
Fire: I still think he's a seven. Maybe even an eight.
Sue: You don't actually rate men On a Scale from One to Ten, do you?
Fire: Of course I do.
Sue: Don't you think that's a tad juvenile? Not to mention sexist?
Fire: You're only saying that because you're married to a four.
Sue: Excuse me?
Fire: Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure Ralph has his endearing qualities—Most of which escape me at this moment—But you've got to admit—On the physical level—He's a four.
Sue: I'll have you know that my husband is loving, compassionate... he has a wonderful sense of humor, he—
Fire: He's a four.
Sue: He has flexible body parts!
Fire: [suddenly interested] Hmmmmm. But how well does he use them?
Sue: [hesitantly] How well does he—?
Fire: See? A definite four. Now Plastic Man! There is someone who knows how to—
Ralph Dibny / Elongated Man: [walks up behind them] Hey ladies — Whatcha doing?
Sue: [whisphering to herself] Oh my god... I'm married to a four!
Ralph: What'd you say sweetie?
Fire: [looking at another guy] Now there's an eight!
Ralph: You're not doing that thing where you rate men on a scale of one to ten, are you, Sue?
Fire: Oh. Does she do that?
Ralph: All the time. I'd be embarrassing... except she always tells me I'm a perfect ten!
Fire: [looking smugly at Sue] Perfect?
Sue: In his way.
Ralph: My wife, on the other hand, couldn't be rated—'Cause she's off the scale!
Sue: That's my hubby!
Ralph: [walking away] Well... gotta go talk to Max
Sue: He is a four—But I really love him.
Ralph: [from the distance] WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A FOUR?!
Fire: He heard you
Sue: Y'think?
Films — Live-Action
Marc: Have you no respect for the hierarchy of beauty?
Robert: Anything's possible Marc.
Marc: Sure, like in the big scheme of things, anything is possible, but hello, this is America, Robert. There are rules we have to live by. We are talking time-honored traditions here. That's like fucking with the Constitution.
Robert: What's more American than that?
Marc: Look at him, what is he, he's an eight right?
Robert: No, he's not an eight, he's a ten!
Marc: He's not a ten.
Robert: Of course he's a ten!
Marc: Hair in Face easily has 12% body fat and you're calling him a ten?
Robert: He's a ten.
Marc: He shaves his legs.
Robert: So what, half of Chelsea shaves their legs, even the women.
Marc: I'd give him a nine, tops.
Robert: Okay. At the very least he's a nine.
Marc: So we're agreed.
Robert:Wait a minute, are you telling me that you don't think that I can get a nine?
Marc: I'm not saying that.
Robert: Uh-huh.
Marc: I'm not.
Robert: Anything's possible Marc.
Marc: Sure, like in the big scheme of things, anything is possible, but hello, this is America, Robert. There are rules we have to live by. We are talking time-honored traditions here. That's like fucking with the Constitution.
Robert: What's more American than that?
Marc: Look at him, what is he, he's an eight right?
Robert: No, he's not an eight, he's a ten!
Marc: He's not a ten.
Robert: Of course he's a ten!
Marc: Hair in Face easily has 12% body fat and you're calling him a ten?
Robert: He's a ten.
Marc: He shaves his legs.
Robert: So what, half of Chelsea shaves their legs, even the women.
Marc: I'd give him a nine, tops.
Robert: Okay. At the very least he's a nine.
Marc: So we're agreed.
Robert:Wait a minute, are you telling me that you don't think that I can get a nine?
Marc: I'm not saying that.
Robert: Uh-huh.
Marc: I'm not.
Carter: [after Miller talks about settling down with his girlfriend]] Problem is she's a six out of ten, man. Right, Sim?
Simon: Yeah, a six.
Carter: Six and a half. And I'm being generous there, mate.
Miller: You what?
Carter: If you're gonna tie the knot with someone make sure they're a 9 or a 3. A stunner or a complete shitter. If you fall in the middle you're fucked mate. It's never gonna work.
Miller: That's bollocks, man.
Carter: I'm talking bollocks, yeah? All right, we'll ask the others. [to Simon] Oi, text Clarkey. Ask her.
[switch to the other vehicle]
Clarke: Got a text from Carter. Wants us to score Miller's girlfriend out of 10.
Ivan: Don't know. I ain't slept with her.
Clarke: Oi! It's based on looks.
Ivan: Four and a half in a balaclava.
Haskins: What about you, Lewis?
Lewis: Don't know her.
Haskins: What about me, then? What would you rate me?
Lewis: Well, if it was prick size I'd give you a two, but since we're talking about faces... I'll give you a two.
Simon: Yeah, a six.
Carter: Six and a half. And I'm being generous there, mate.
Miller: You what?
Carter: If you're gonna tie the knot with someone make sure they're a 9 or a 3. A stunner or a complete shitter. If you fall in the middle you're fucked mate. It's never gonna work.
Miller: That's bollocks, man.
Carter: I'm talking bollocks, yeah? All right, we'll ask the others. [to Simon] Oi, text Clarkey. Ask her.
[switch to the other vehicle]
Clarke: Got a text from Carter. Wants us to score Miller's girlfriend out of 10.
Ivan: Don't know. I ain't slept with her.
Clarke: Oi! It's based on looks.
Ivan: Four and a half in a balaclava.
Haskins: What about you, Lewis?
Lewis: Don't know her.
Haskins: What about me, then? What would you rate me?
Lewis: Well, if it was prick size I'd give you a two, but since we're talking about faces... I'll give you a two.
Live-Action TV
Walter: Who are you?
Hodgins: I'm her husband.
Walter: Huh. Are you rich?
Hodgins: Okay, where did that come from?
Walter: On a Scale from One to Ten, she's an eleven.
Angela: Well, thank you, Mr. Sherman.
Walter: Yeah, you're a seven. So if you're rich it just explains the discrepancy.
Hodgins: I'm her husband.
Walter: Huh. Are you rich?
Hodgins: Okay, where did that come from?
Walter: On a Scale from One to Ten, she's an eleven.
Angela: Well, thank you, Mr. Sherman.
Walter: Yeah, you're a seven. So if you're rich it just explains the discrepancy.
Tootie: Blair gathers information on every guy at Langley and then she rates them.
Jo: Kind of like hamburger meat. Prime, choice, dog food. So why are you throwing out your files? I thought they worked for you.
Blair: From now on, I'm on a computer. They're faster and I can exchange information with women all over the world.
Jo: Other women rate men the way you do?
Blair: Well, of course not as accurately. I prefer going to three decimal places, but I can use the standard 1-10 in a pinch.
Natalie: I like that. A woman who's flexible in her shallowness.
Beverly: This sounds awfully complicated. Of course, when I was dating, they only had Roman numerals.
Blair: Actually, it's quite simple. I just look at the height, weight, kind of car they drive, financial status, family background...
Beverly: That's more than I knew about my husband when I divorced him.
Tootie: Blair, how would you like it if men sat around rating you?
Blair: I'd love it!
Tootie: But it's so de-humanizing!
Blair: Not when you're a 10.
Jo: If you're a 10, I'd hate to see a 1.
Blair: Then avoid mirrors.
Jo: Kind of like hamburger meat. Prime, choice, dog food. So why are you throwing out your files? I thought they worked for you.
Blair: From now on, I'm on a computer. They're faster and I can exchange information with women all over the world.
Jo: Other women rate men the way you do?
Blair: Well, of course not as accurately. I prefer going to three decimal places, but I can use the standard 1-10 in a pinch.
Natalie: I like that. A woman who's flexible in her shallowness.
Beverly: This sounds awfully complicated. Of course, when I was dating, they only had Roman numerals.
Blair: Actually, it's quite simple. I just look at the height, weight, kind of car they drive, financial status, family background...
Beverly: That's more than I knew about my husband when I divorced him.
Tootie: Blair, how would you like it if men sat around rating you?
Blair: I'd love it!
Tootie: But it's so de-humanizing!
Blair: Not when you're a 10.
Jo: If you're a 10, I'd hate to see a 1.
Blair: Then avoid mirrors.
Zoe: Last night, something happened between us.
Wade: Yeah, well, you had A-plus sex for your first time.
Zoe: What do you mean I had A-plus sex? You had it too! ...right?
Wade: Yeah, for me it was more... B? B-minus.
Zoe: What?
Wade: Yeah, well, you had A-plus sex for your first time.
Zoe: What do you mean I had A-plus sex? You had it too! ...right?
Wade: Yeah, for me it was more... B? B-minus.
Zoe: What?
Bruce: [points to a girl] She's a 6. [points to another girl] She is a 7. [points to Liz] She is an 8.
Tom: You're giving Maya's friend an 8? She's an 12.
Bruce: My scores are final, Tom! Maya's friend is an 8, and you are a 6.
Tom: Your scores are ridiculous.
Bruce: You just became a 5!
Tom: I protest your entire scoring system.
Bruce: Now you're a 4!
Cal: Don't worry, Tom. You're still a 6.
Bruce: Shut up, 5 and a half.
Tom: What are you?
Bruce: Numbers can't define me. I'm an eagle.
Tom: You're giving Maya's friend an 8? She's an 12.
Bruce: My scores are final, Tom! Maya's friend is an 8, and you are a 6.
Tom: Your scores are ridiculous.
Bruce: You just became a 5!
Tom: I protest your entire scoring system.
Bruce: Now you're a 4!
Cal: Don't worry, Tom. You're still a 6.
Bruce: Shut up, 5 and a half.
Tom: What are you?
Bruce: Numbers can't define me. I'm an eagle.
Sam: She's world-class, G!
Callen: Eh, national level, maybe. Regional, for sure.
Sam: She's an undisputed ten. Come on.
Callen: I didn't say she wasn't hot.
Sam: But she's not a ten?
Callen: A solid nine.
Sam: That magically appeared into your life without you making any effort!
Callen: So?
Sam: So that "no effort" thing should count for at least one point!
Callen: Eh, national level, maybe. Regional, for sure.
Sam: She's an undisputed ten. Come on.
Callen: I didn't say she wasn't hot.
Sam: But she's not a ten?
Callen: A solid nine.
Sam: That magically appeared into your life without you making any effort!
Callen: So?
Sam: So that "no effort" thing should count for at least one point!
Mateo: Amy, I'm gonna give you some gay man tough love right now. Okay, no tea, no shade... you're not a ten right now. It's not about your looks. You just have some major dings. You're over 30, you're divorced, you have a kid.
Amy: Cheyenne has a baby! Does that give her a ding?
Cheyenne: No, because I have a baby the way that Chrissy Teigen has a baby. You have an old baby, so that's a double ding.
Carol: Plus, you're probably really out of practice sex-wise.
Amy: Excuse me?
Mateo: And I'm guessing your downstairs is a jungle?
Tate: Mmm, retro. Nothing wrong with that.
Amy: No, it is a manicu- you know what? I am not gonna defend myself. This whole system of rating people is gross.
Carol: What's my number?
Mateo: Um, you're a four, Justine's a three.
Justine: But it's cool, 'cause I clean up on twos. Girl's trip!
Cheyenne: No, Sarah's a seven, Brett's an eight, Tate's a ten because he has a good job and abs.
Tate: That's correct, I'm the complete package.
Justine: Wait, what number is Amy? Are we tied?
Amy: God no!
Beat [everyone states at Amy awkwardly]
Amy: I'm sorry, that was not- no, I think you're beautiful. See! This whole system just sets us back.
Mateo: You're just a little bit higher than Justine.
Amy: A little higher?
Amy: Cheyenne has a baby! Does that give her a ding?
Cheyenne: No, because I have a baby the way that Chrissy Teigen has a baby. You have an old baby, so that's a double ding.
Carol: Plus, you're probably really out of practice sex-wise.
Amy: Excuse me?
Mateo: And I'm guessing your downstairs is a jungle?
Tate: Mmm, retro. Nothing wrong with that.
Amy: No, it is a manicu- you know what? I am not gonna defend myself. This whole system of rating people is gross.
Carol: What's my number?
Mateo: Um, you're a four, Justine's a three.
Justine: But it's cool, 'cause I clean up on twos. Girl's trip!
Cheyenne: No, Sarah's a seven, Brett's an eight, Tate's a ten because he has a good job and abs.
Tate: That's correct, I'm the complete package.
Justine: Wait, what number is Amy? Are we tied?
Amy: God no!
Beat [everyone states at Amy awkwardly]
Amy: I'm sorry, that was not- no, I think you're beautiful. See! This whole system just sets us back.
Mateo: You're just a little bit higher than Justine.
Amy: A little higher?
Andy: So tell me about this Ruby. What is she out of 10?
Errol: She's a 10!
Andy: All right, now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread. For instance, a two can never go out with an eight. That would be suicide.
Errol: So, what am I?
Andy: Well, you're skinny but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities. So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2. But I reckon, with a bit of styling, we can probably get you up to a 7.
Errol: What are you?
Andy: Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether. Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians. Present company included.
Errol: She's a 10!
Andy: All right, now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread. For instance, a two can never go out with an eight. That would be suicide.
Errol: So, what am I?
Andy: Well, you're skinny but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities. So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2. But I reckon, with a bit of styling, we can probably get you up to a 7.
Errol: What are you?
Andy: Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether. Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians. Present company included.
