Quotes: Sex Is Evil

film - live-action

Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and DIE!
Coach Carr, Mean Girls

The penis is evil! The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was.

Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private hell.
Joe Friday, Dragnet (1987)

live-action tv

For such an intellectually superior race Vulcans have a remarkably Victorian attitude to sex.
The Doctor, Star Trek: Voyager ("Blood Fever")

newspaper comics

Moral Majority: The Moral Majority is supporting a Congressional Amendment against sex.
Woman: But where will babies come from?
Moral Majority: The stork.
Woman: The stork doesn't bring babies. Sex brings babies.
Moral Majority: Don't be duped by the evolutionists. Sex brings moral decay. Sex brings communism, pornography and immigrant hordes. PRAISE THE STORK!
Woman: Storkism. It's time has come.
Jules Fieffer political cartoon

video games

Guest: My girlfriend Rachael and I have been together for a long time and, ahh, she wants to take it to the next level.
Nurse Bob: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa. How long have you been dating?
Guest: We've been dating for eight years.
Nurse Bob: Listen to me a minute: SEX IS NOT A NATURAL ACT!
Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, GTA Radio''

web original

Dalton isnít helped by other factors surrounding the production. Apparently, as a result of the AIDS scare in the eighties, it was felt that a promiscuous Bond didnít send the right message. Nevermind the fact that he killed people for a living or the fact that he drinks like a fish, itís the promiscuity you need to worry about. Thereís something telling in the way that the only females who Bond flirts with (outside Moneypenny, the pre-credits girl and the Bond girl) produce guns and threaten to kill him — thereís no subtext hidden there about how the lifestyle could kill you.

Shatner popularized the idea of an explorer who fucks his way across the universe, a mantle later taken up by lesser Star Trek characters and thoroughly avoided by the entire useless, sexless cast of the dung pile called Star Trek: Voyager, despite its inclusion of Jeri Ryan wearing nothing but paint.

Frankly Harry has needed a bad girl to rip his uniform off and have her wicked way with him for over five years so this corruption of his character is long overdue. Unfortunately rather than making a man out of him it seems to have the reverse effect and rather than standing up for his rights he now sounds like a petulant, sulking child. It's hardly a swing in his favour. As soon as he has had his end away he starts agonising over violating regulations.
Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "The Disease"

In a medium that often struggles with its perception by the general public as being nothing but juvenile fantasies for boys with no social skills, having two high-profile comics where female reproductive organs were literally used as traps isnít really helping anyone.
ComicsAlliance, "The 5 Worst Comics of 2010"

The conservatives had their chance with Clinton's blow job, and they totally blew it with their self righteous indignation over harmless consensual sex.
Don Hopkins, game developer

Sex Education from the Bible — Probably the only sex-ed book that contains more references to Satan than to semen. A must-read for aspiring misogynists and writers of religious-themed erotica.

Itís hard not to suspect that he isnít really thinking of the children. Maybe he was when he suggested that sex education is ďa Trojan horse inside the schoolsĒ, and by receiving such education ďtheyíre going to start talking about threesomes, and theyíre going to be talking about everything thatís okay.Ē He didnít actually explain whose Trojan horse it was, but you can all guess, I suppose.
The Encyclopedia of American Loons on Keith Ablow

If you take away spanking and fisting and calling someone a 'filthy little crumpet', what else is left for you to do? Shake hands before delivering an efficient and dignified blowjob? And what happens if a lady is having sex and she accidentally female ejaculates? Will they have to start over, or can they just clean that up later in editing?
DListed, "Some Pearl-Clutching Prudes In The UK Just Banned A Whole Bunch Of Fun Sex Acts From British Porn"

web video

Yahtzee: This is the scene that made the game so controversial, cause look: It's a cock! 4 glorious pixels of cock! An entire Tetris piece of cock!
Gabriel: "4GloriousPixelsOfCock" is my eHarmony name.
Let's Play Dreamweb

Men don't love women, Mace is unmarried, Palpatine don't got a wife... In fact, the only person who's married is Jimmy Smitts!

western animation

Premarital sex turns straight people gay and gays into Mexicans. We all go down a notch!
[much later]
...and, if you have sex, you're automatically in Al Qaeda.
Peter Griffin and Jerry Kirkwood, Family Guy, "Prick Up Your Ears"

Steve: So you're saying I should never have sex until I'm married?
Stan: Yes, or angels will kill you.

I guess what they say is true: sex kills.
Junie Harper, King of the Hill

Spilling your seed wastefully is a sin. But it's also a sin to procreate in odd, exciting ways. Men and women have only one holy position and that's called the missionary position.
Clay Puppington, Moral Orel, "God's Chef"

real life

Young people should NOT sow their wild oats! Sowing your wild oats will only create an unquenchable appetite. Once you've been DESENSITIZED to the sinfulness of sexual sins, then you WILL likely struggle with it for the rest of your life.

Playboy just wants to liberate women to behave like pigs, have sex without consequences, prance about naked, and abort children.
Ann Coulter, How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)

When I spoke at Carleton College, I told the young people: "Unless they were a virgin on their wedding day, anyone who preaches abstinence to you is a hypocrite." Two weeks later, Ann Coulter showed up at the same school, and one of the students raised his hand and asked her whether she'd been a virgin! It made the papers—and made me laugh. You know what Coulter did? Attacked the kid and changed the subject.
Jesse Ventura, Don't Start the Revolution Without Me! (2008)

In order for a ruling class to rule, there must be arbitrary prohibitions. Of all prohibitions, sexual taboo is the most useful because sex involves everyone.

A woman, the only one who was able to project the glowingly innocent sexuality of a being from some planet uncorrrupted by guilt-who found herself regarded and ballyhooed as a vulgar symbol of obscenity- and who still had the courage to declare "We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it's a pity that so many people despise and crush this natural gift."

"Press conference yielded the usual crop of daftness. I've been asked if I related personally to Carrington's tortured relationship with sex and replied that no, not really, I'd had a very pleasant time since I was fifteen. This elicited very disapproving copy from the Brits... No wonder people think don't have sex in England."
Emma Thompson, Bringing Jane Austen's Novel to Film