Quotes / Screw You, Elves!

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     Film - Live-Action 

Elves? What help has ever come from elves?
Thorin Oakenshield, King of Erebor, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I will not stand down before any elf! Much less this faithless woodland sprite! He wishes nothing but ill upon my people! If he chooses to stand between me and my kin, I'll split his pretty head open! See if he's still smirking then!
Dáin Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Lily: I am such an idiot. It's so simple: The Borg hurt you, and now you're gonna hurt them back.
Picard: In my time, people don't succumb to revenge, we have a more evolved sensibility...
Lily: BULLSHIT! I saw the look on your face on the holodeck. You were almost enjoying it.
Picard: How dare you...
Lily: Oh, come on, Captain, you're not the first man to get a thrill out of killing somebody. I see it all the time.
Picard: GET OUT!
Lily: Or what!? You'll kill me, like you killed Ensign Lynch?
Lily: You didn't even try! Where was your "evolved sensibility" then?!


You call yourself some kind of goddess and you know nothing, madam, nothing. What don't die can't live. What don't live can't change. What don't change can't learn. The smallest creature that dies in the grass knows more than you. You're right. I'm older. You've lived longer than me. but I'm older'n you. And better than you. And, madam, that ain't hard.

And the elves, bah! All they can do is sit in their forest and wait to be conquered.
Murtagh Morzansson, Eldest

Ulia: Aaaaah... their age, their beauty, and their nobility unsettles you?
Miliana: No - their utter lack of achievement! You know, if I were eight hundred years old, I think I'd do more with my time than sitting about on my derriere singing tra-la-la-lally.

Elminster: Then perhaps ye would be kind enough to tell them something for me. Tell them the council would do well to recall how many friends the elves truly have among men - lest they chase them all off with their boneheadedness!"
Angharradh: I couldn't possibly-
Elminster: Ye could and ye shall. And be quick about it, before I make a caryatid of ye!
Laeral: I suggest you hurry. You know how rash and impatient we humans can be.

[Cally] herself went on Mendy's list of people to expect unbalanced things from, about the time she started skipping away down the hall singing like some manic, killer child, "I get to kill a Darhel, I get to kill a Darhel."

     Live-Action TV 

Sinclair: One man's lunatic is another's true seeker.
Garibaldi: You've been hanging around Delenn too much.

Dax: Frankly, he's more than a little arrogant, Benjamin.
Sisko: (struggling not to laugh) Is he?
Dax: Okay, for a Trill, that's to be expected. Check.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Playing God"

There's nothing worse than addressing a room full of pointy-eared blowhards.
Dr. Lewis Zimmerman, Star Trek: Voyager, "Life Line"

     Tabletop Games 

No wonder you have to hit them over the head with a battleship squadron before they take you seriously.
Vilani, Traveller: Intersteller Wars

An oath from an eldar means less than nothing. It is a promise of betrayal.

The eldar were warriors, aesthetes, pirates, philosophers and killers. But most of all, they were liars.
Commander Sarpedon of the Soul Drinkers, Warhammer 40,000

     Video Games 

Player Character: Elves have strange powers.
Sten: Being easily conquered does not constitute a "power."

You know what Orzammar is? It's cramped tunnels, filled with nug-shit and body-odor. And every person there thinks he's better than you because his great-great-great grandfather made a water-clock or something?!

Terath: You do not belong here, shemlen.
Snarky!Hawke: What about my... Dear Maker! Where did my self-righteousness and pointy ears go?
Terath: Why you... you... Shemlen!

I love nailing asari. So ageless and superior - then you get them, and they squeal like schoolgirls.
Gianna Parisini, Mass Effect 2

Aldaris: And who is this human, Tassadar?
Raynor: The name's James Raynor, pal. And I won't be talked down to by anybody - not even a Protoss.
Aldaris: Your taste in companions grows ever more inexplicable...

Alright, listen to me you knife-eared piece of shit! If you go any further with your piss stained pubic hair you call a wig, I'm gonna wreck your shit so hard you won't even be able to walk with your limp dick! I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your shaven perfect little ass that your breath is gonna smell like shoe polish, then I'm gonna take that little red anal bead on your belt, and push it in your face! I'm gonna flagellate you with my fucking beard! I'm gonna build you a pair of of runic mechanical balls, and use surgical precision to sew them to your groin where your manhood ought to be just so that I can kick them with my iron fucking feet, you twat!
A dwarf, Warhammer: Ravandils Quest


Red Mage: Oh, it's good to see civilization again.
Thief: Civilization? No. This is a collection of shanties built by monkeys. Establish a stable, unified society with ten thousand years of beautiful culture, and then we'll talk.
Red Mage: Y'know, I've always been meaning to ask you something. If you elves are so great, why is your technology on par with humans even though you had a nine thousand year head start?
(Beat Panel)
Thief: It's. (beat) That's how we like it.
Red Mage: And how unified can elf society be if there was that outcast clan? They were fighting a shadow war to dissolve your kingdom.
Black Mage: One of them poisoned your dad.
Red Mage: In fact, wasn't the throne nearly usurped by them had it not been for our extremely non-elfy intervention?
Thief: No more questions. The answers would only further confuse your simple minds.

DM: You find yourselves in Lothlórien, the home of elvendom on Earth. Here there is no weariness or sign of decay.
Merry: Bah. It's just a bunch of people who won't share their trees with us.
Boromir: Not only does this place not have an inn, it doesn't even have houses. They all live in trees.
Aragorn: No shops or blacksmith either!
Boromir: Is this how they greet adventurers? "Welcome noble champions, feel free to sleep on our dirt, here are some pointy sticks." No shops, no sidequests, the people are snooty and we're sleeping on the ground underneath their spectacular treetop city of lights and music. These are the magical elves? These guys are jerks.
Aragorn: You know what I'm thinking?
Boromir: Only you can promote forest fires?
Aragorn: Exactly.
DM of the Rings, "Fire Safety"

Hey, you know what really gets under my skin? Proverbially, of course? A century of wizards looking down their damn noses at me. Energy Drain! I know people think I'm stupid. Because I'm not a wizard. Because I get bored easily. Because I have no interest in strategy or tactics or contingency planning. Energy Drain! But see, I've learned a lot over the years since I died. A lot more than I learned during my life. And now I see that planning doesn't matter. Strategy doesn't matter. Only two things matter: Force in as great a concentration as you can manage, and style. And in a pinch, style can slide. Energy Drain! In any battle, there's always a level of force against which no tactics can succeed. For example, all I need to do is keep smacking you with Energy Drains, and soon you won't be able to cast any of your fancy spells at all. Energy Drain! Because yes, I am a sorceror - and this magic is in my bones, not cribbed off of "Magic for Dummies." And I can keep casting the same friggin' spell at you until you roll over and die. You can have your finely-crafted watch - give me the sledgehammer to the face any day. ENERGY DRAIN!

Vaarsuvius: While I respect your clear mental discipline, I will not allow you to injure my allies.
Laurin: Don't tell me what I'm "allowed" to do, elf. You people up there in your lush forest while the rest of us have to fight for scraps - you can shove your false respect, because you don't know anything about me!

The Foss: We merely use these crude vessels to interact with subcreatures such as you!
Vexxarr: Subcreatures, eh?
Foss: What is... er... that thing?
Vexxarr: Behold a sand wedge. I use it to interface with irritants such as you.

     Web Original 

Everyone agrees that the thought of spending 70 years with Tuvok gives them a headache and an upset stomach. Tuvok is so boring that even when dealing with a mutiny he is lecturing Paris on procedures. I wonder what part of the manual those particular regulations are in.
Doc Oho on Star Trek: Voyager, "Worst Case Scenario"

     Real Life 

Don't start me on Elves. My perennial bugbear. Elves are basically "What If Aryans were right about there being a master race?" Fucking Elves