I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair.

Incompetence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death.

I'm drowning and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils.

My job has convinced me that life is a stale joke with no punchline.

I long for the cold comfort of the grave.

Dilbert: Before I worked here I wasn't called a thief or a liar.

Carol: You can't get that kind of training in school.

Why does it seem like most of the decisions in my workplace were made by drunken lemurs?

Jack: I don't do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do them for the good of the show.
Liz: Well, I'm the one who always has to clean up the mess afterwards.
Jack: That's why my job is way better than yours.

Nathan Explosion: You know we get really really excited about really bad ideas when we're drunk. And it's your job to talk us out of them...
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember—
Pickles: So? Big deal, those threats aren't new!
Charles Foster Ofdensen: ...noted.

The King shits, and the Hand wipes.