Quotes: Memetic Badass

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"When Brian Boitano was in the olympics,
Skating for the gold,
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blind fold
When Brian Boitano was in the alps,
Fighting grizzly bears,
He used his magical fire breath,
And saved the maidens fair
So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!"
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, "What Would Brian Botano Do?"

"Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat him like a star
'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR!"

I’ve taken enough grief about calling my goddamn car the goddamn Batmobile. I’m the goddamn Batman and I can call my goddamn car whatever the hell I want to call it.

Soldier 1: Who was that?
Soldier 2: Brock fuckin' Samson.
Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!
The Venture Bros., "Home Insecurity"

What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. Might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him. Any other questions?
Tony DiNozzo on Gibbs, NCIS

Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, My Immortal

If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!' Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! And then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor! Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth. And then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one! And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a 'Tzu'! (Unless it's a farm.)
The Soldier, Team Fortress 2, "Meet the Soldier"

Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you!
J.B., Pootie Tang

But back at the cave, Batman stopped everyone from arguing with one word.
Because Batman is... Batman.

They were dealing with something far more dangerous than me, Harry Dresden, who's battered old Volkswagon was currently in the city impound. They were dealing with the potential dark lord nightmare warlock they'd been busy fearing since I turned sixteen. They were dealing with the wizard who had faced the Heirs of Kemmler riding a zombie dinosaur, and emerged victorious from a fight that had flattened Morgan and Captain Luccio before they had even reached it. They were dealing with the man who had dropped a challenge to the entire Senior Council, and who had then actually showed, apparently willing to fight - on the shores of an entirely too creepy island in the middle of a freshwater sea.
Harry, The Dresden Files

What's the difference between Commander Shepard and a krogan? One is an unstoppable juggernaut of headbutting destruction and the other has four testicles.
Samantha Traynor, Mass Effect 3

This man... the essence of the sun! Strength... spirit... he surpasses all others!
Lordgenome, upon facing Banjou Haran in combat during Super Robot Wars Z2: Hakai-Hen.

It's just there's so many legends about that guy, I mean, I once heard he took on an entire Covenant battalion by himself. And rumor has it, he can't be killed. And my friend's cousin's neighbor told me he has laser eyes.
Church, describing Sergeant Johnson, Red vs. Blue

[Upon seeing the credit "Construction Coordinator: Rando Schmook"]
Mike Nelson: [snirks] It's the Amazing RANDO!
Tom Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
Crow T. Robot: [as Rando] Now, we've never met before, have we?

slowbeef: What the hell was that?
Diabetus: I don't know, but Billy kicks ass.
slowbeef: It's hard not to like Billy.

We like to imagine that as soon as Teddy returned to the U.S., he started breeding his own piranhas in an attempt to finally find an animal that could stand up to him in a fight. Like all other such attempts, this was doomed to failure from the start.
Rohan Ramakrishnan, Cracked, "The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts"

Comment: Give Jackie Chan a weapon - any weapon - and the fight just becomes unfair.
Response: It'd be unfair in the first place. YOU'RE FIGHTING AGAINST JACKIE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

That's right motherfuckers! Now you KNOW why I'm awesome! [Geno assumes Badass Armfold]
Geno, after taking out a horde of Zombies in one of the alternate endings to Bowser's Kingdom episode 666

Corey: And where might we find this Lucas?
NC: Within the twilight of a full moon. When the sky is dark and fire of stars PIERCES through the night! THAT is where you will find... Lucas.

James Bond has Rory Williams on speed dial.

In Groundhog Day, Bill Murray wonders aloud if he may be a god, and in Ghostbusters, we learn that if you're asked if you are, you say yes. I'm not saying Bill Murray is a god, but it would be foolish if, in looking into these legends, we didn't consider some more spiritually-minded options. So for now, if anyone asks, let's say “maybe.”

If Bill were a god, he'd be the living embodiment of the Cosmic Joker. Conceived of in the writings of Charles Fort, the Cosmic Joker is the omnipotent higher power responsible for unexplained phenomena, and for those random incidents of fate that leave you aghast and throwing up your hands, all purely for his or her own warped amusement...There's another strong Murray flavour in the Jungian 'Trickster' archetype. The Trickster figure is deeply rooted in the folklore and mythology of every culture; a cosmic jester, a wise fool, a mysterious, mischievous creature, fun-loving and rebellious, and unconstrained by the laws which bound normal men. Sound familiar?
Stuart Millard on Bill Murray, Smoke and Mirrors & Steven Seagal

Chris: So Lionel kidnaps Tess and straps her to a table in one last tribute to this show’s unceasing titillation, but even a bondaged Lutessa can’t compete with John Glover’s Final Form Hair and Beard.
David: He has a magnificent beard here, it absolutely matches the glory of his hair. It’s really nice to see that they didn’t welch on the glory of his mane for his final appearance.
Chris: It’s… I mean, I don’t even know how to describe it. “Majestic” and “Dominating” seem inadequate. Our words are too small for such a thing.
David: John Glover’s follicles are the true New Gods in the Smallville Universe. Everything they touch turns to myth.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Finale")

throwaawy: A meteor didn't cause the dinosaurs to go extinct. They saw the ginormous bugs they were living with and simply gave up on life, knowing Skitter was coming soon.
— A commenter on the protagonist of Worm

There is no theory of evolution. Only a list of creatures Pyrrha Nikos has allowed to live.
Pyrrha Nikos facts Tumblr

Mousewhisker is who's been there and done that.