Quotes: In Name Only

    open/close all folders 

    Newspapers 

"Is this the first time a title has been remade, instead of a movie? And God Created Woman shares little with the 1956 Brigitte Bardot movie except for its name..."

    Web Original 

"They are adaptations, just not in the literal, pedestrian sense. I adapt essence. I've been told that Othello is a moorish captain, but in my mind he's a magical talking cello with a lisp. Who is right? Is there a right? For that matter, is there a left?"

Matt: Can we talk about how Judge Dredd at this point is totally indistinguishable from, say, the lead character from Demolition Man or Rex Cliffhanger, which I think was the Cliffhanger guy’s name? Everything that makes him Dredd, by appearance, is gone now.
Chris: It’s basically just Cobra 2 now.
—Matt Wilson and Chris Sims on Judge Dredd (1995)

"At this point I realize two things. One is this movie will ever end. The other is that this isn't a Tenchi movie. It's an art film using the Tenchi universe and characters as it's medium. The only people who could like this movie are people who like to think they have taste and culture. And they wear turtlenecks all the time. And Berets. The entire dynamics that made the series popular in the first place are thrown out of the window to tell a French story of love and loss. Gah!"

"The Patriot is “based” on the book The Last Canadian. I use quotes on based because it is based on the book in the same way Transformers is based on Les Misérables."
Miles Antwiler on The Patriot (1998)

"It's difficult to write a review about Dragonball Evolution without comparing it to its source material, mostly because Dragonball Evolution is to Dragonball and Dragonball Z what fish sticks are to chocolate."
slowzombie's Review on Dragonball Evolution

"We've already discussed the mysterious elimination of the Manhunter part of the Martian Manhunter. But it doesn't stop there! No, the next step is to not make him Martian at all. Per Goyer, 'We grow him in a petri dish...He's like in Area 51 or something...and we're doing biopsies on him and he gets out and he's really angry.' Now, we all know that there probably isn't life on Mars, but it's something people have believed in a long time. It has a lot of mythical and cultural power. H. G. Wells, C. S. Lewis, and Edgar Rice Burroughs all come to mind as people who have added to the stories and mythology of Mars. Sure, it's a dead planet now, but the thought that we once had neighbors is a great one.

Also, you know, MARTIAN. It's in his NAME. The proposed Martian Manhunter would not be Martian, nor a Manhunter. So maybe his name should just be Bob. Bob the Angry Green Guy with Superpowers. Basically the Hulk... This idea sucks worse than wearing earbuds while fighting vampires to get endorsement money. Yeah, I've seen
Blade: Trinity. Twice!"

"Ace is almost unrecognizable (both visually and in terms of her character), and McCoy’s Doctor is little better. Worse is the appearance of the Brigadier in the final episode, where he shows up in the following exchange of dialogue, which, I regret to inform you, I quote exactly:"

Brigadier: Enemy craft, you have the misfortune of being addressed by the Brigadier! Now get out of my solar system!

"At which point the incidental music switches to Dvorak’s 'New World Symphony,' although, frankly, I recommend thinking of it as 'My Humps' simply because it’s about the only entertainment that it’s possible to wring out of this atrocity. Even if this dialogue were well-written — and it isn’t — it would fly in the face of the entire basic premise of the Brigadier post-Pertwee era, who is manifestly not some sort of superhero who goes around identifying himself as the Brigadier as if nobody else in the military has ever attained the rank."

"Judging from the title and David Hasselhoff's fondness for not trying too hard, you'd think this show would be Baywatch, at night. Instead they took the extra step and made it Baywatch, only in a detective agency solving beach cases. But if you watch it in slow motion with the brightness turned down, yeah, it's Baywatch, at night."

"As much as I'd like to accept Clark's remark to Oliver in the graveyard — 'No one can push me or lead me anywhere. My whole life, I've been trying to fit into two different worlds and the truth is I don't belong to either one. I need to make my own path. Maybe that means letting go of both worlds.' — as a kind of metafictional comment on the series as a whole trying to balance its impulse to be Dawson's Creek with its (sorry, but weaker) impulse to be true to the source material, everything comes off as far too calculated (too much the pièce bien faite, or, well-made play) and therefore illogical... Darkseid has been vanquished by one blow into a puff of crows, proving that Darkseid, too, was but a mere, and ultimately flimsy, prop in all this."
Marc Pritchard on Smallville ("Finale")

"The first three years of this show in earnest, with some flawed concepts and a great deal of fluff, endeavored to tell the tale of a kid learning to be an adult in such a way that he would become a future hero. The high water mark was when Chloe blew up, Lionel went to jail, and Clark gave himself to his training.

Every. Single. Second. After. That. Was. Stretching.

They hit the reset button and went back. Chloe returned to life. Lionel got out of jail...And from then on, the show became not about this basic thread of story that (rightly) enthralled us. It became a story of how much longer they could stretch that story by exploiting the fan's need to enjoy fanservice and the things they KNOW.

Mikhail Mxyzptlk. Lois Lane in Smallville. Brainiac before Metropolis. This is where things began to go off the rails, and in retrospect, it's where the show stopped being about Clark's journey and started being a very dull drama that survived because people like you, and ME, yes, me, I am guilty as well, watched it in order to see if Mikhail was, indeed, like the Mxy we know and love.

He was not."

"For a show that had the name Highlander, it had almost nothing at all to do with immortals. The first half of the series was almost entirely rejected plots from NYPD Blue. Amanda’s flashbacks were rare and tangential when they did appear... Worst of all, when immortals did appear, they just sucked. We got none of the history we had with bad immortals from the previous series. We didn’t even get someone who could delightfully chew the scenery like Mario Van Peebles did as Kane in Highlander III. We got characters that were just as bland and incompetent as Nick was. One episode’s big villain is an immortal who has figured out a mathematical algorithm that takes all the immortals in the world and tells him who he needs to kill and in what order to become the last one. Yeah…there’s a guy whose big schtick is that he plays the fantasy football version of immortality. Forget the fact that no one can calculate how a swordfight to the death is going to turn out due to all the variables involved."

"Every single word in this title is a lie. There are no teenagers, no mutants, no ninjas, and no turtles. Well, there actually be may turtles — it's hard to tell."
Hardcore Gaming 101, on the Vietnamese bootleg iOS game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

"Hey, wait. You know what would have made it even more of a Wayne's World game? If you controlled a big hand. Both Wayne and Garth have hands. And faces too. Wait! They also both wear blue jeans, so you could control a pair of jeans that has to infiltrate a face warehouse to get their hands back! And if you collected the letters that spelled, "SCHWING," your pants would get a hard-on for a bonus 2000 "Party On!" Points. That would be a better game and keep in mind, I have no formal video game training."

    Web Video 

"So, Matthrew Broderick's wife Sarah Jessica Parker emerges from the water and starts smashing New York City, and then wacky hijinks happen with characters from Friends, and then, um, they discover that Godzilla has made small velociraptor eggs in Madison Square Garden, and they have a wacky scene where they mumble mumble."

I'm starting to acquire a foreboding sense of grief
For this increasingly-uncomfortable game they're calling "
Thief"
I'm after sprawling levels and organic thieving stunts
Not cutscenes and pre-animated moves beloved by cunts
Is this another stealing of a once-familiar name
To keep afloat the sinking ship of next-gen console games?
You've broken in and stolen one more thing that I adore
Well, call it what you like, but it'll never be
Thief 4

"(sniffs the air) H-hey, you guys smell that? (sniffs cartridge) Smells like something that starts with a "b". (sniff) And ends in "—trayal.""
Noah Antwiler on Ultima: Runes of Virtue

"I'm 'Alone', but I'm not in a 'Home.' I'm in some sort of botanical garden. Also, why is this taking place during summer? Did anyone on this—and I use this term loosely—"team of developers" watch the film before sitting down and making the game? I know they had to put it together in one whole weekend, but damn son. That is some serious commitment to being unfaithful to your source material!"

    Western Animation 

Lois: There is no talking penguin in The King and I!
Peter: There is in Peter Griffin Presents: The King and I!

Bart Simpson: Alan Moore! You wrote my favorite issues of Radioactive Man!
Alan Moore: Oh really? So you like that I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?