I'm starting to acquire a foreboding sense of grief
For this increasingly-uncomfortable game they're calling "Thief"
I'm after sprawling levels and organic thieving stunts
Not cutscenes and pre-animated moves beloved by cunts
Is this another stealing of a once-familiar name
To keep afloat the sinking ship of next-gen console games?
You've broken in and stolen one more thing that I adore
Well, call it what you like, but it'll never be
adaptations, just not in the literal, pedestrian sense. I adapt essence. I've been told that Othello
is a moorish captain, but in my mind he's a magical talking cello with a lisp. Who is right? Is
there a right? For that matter, is there a left
Is this the first time a title has been remade, instead of a movie? And God Created Woman
shares little with the 1956 Brigitte Bardot movie except for its name...
So, Matthrew Broderick's wife Sarah Jessica Parker
emerges from the water and starts smashing New York City, and then wacky hijinks happen with characters from Friends, and then, um, they discover that Godzilla has made small velociraptor eggs in Madison Square Garden, and they have a wacky scene where they mumble mumble
Can we talk about how Judge Dredd at this point is totally indistinguishable from, say, the lead character from Demolition Man
or Rex Cliffhanger, which I think was the Cliffhanger
guyís name? Everything that makes him Dredd, by appearance, is gone now. Chris:
Itís basically just Cobra 2
At this point I realize two things. One is this movie will ever end
. The other is that this isn't a Tenchi
movie. It's an art film using the Tenchi
universe and characters as it's medium. The only people who could like this movie are people who like to think they have taste and culture. And they wear turtlenecks all the time. And Berets.
The entire dynamics that made the series popular in the first place are thrown out of the window to tell a French story of love and loss. Gah!
It does really go against almost everything represented in the book, and thoroughly soils the title with its badness
. It's got no jumping mechs— the trademark weapon of the Federation's Mobile Infantry, the characters are all wrong, and so on... you have to realize that these fans were completely betrayed by this movie. You can't just steal a title from an established story and discard the story. You have to at least try and involve the source material here. These fans got hit with a bait-and-switch. It's like going into a movie called Moby Dick
and suddenly being blindsided with 90 minutes of David Arquette and Carrot Top chasing a whale around on jet skis, shouting their collect call telephone plan jingles
at each other. You can name Arquette's character Queequeg if you like, you're still going to piss people off.
It's difficult to write a review about Dragonball Evolution
without comparing it to its source material, mostly because Dragonball Evolution
is to Dragonball
and Dragonball Z
what fish sticks are to chocolate.
We've already discussed the mysterious elimination of the Manhunter part of the Martian Manhunter
. But it doesn't stop there! No, the next step is to not make him Martian at all. Per Goyer, 'We grow him in a petri dish...He's like in Area 51 or something...and we're doing biopsies on him and he gets out and he's really angry.' Now, we all know that there probably isn't life on Mars, but it's something people have believed in a long time. It has a lot of mythical and cultural power. H. G. Wells
, C. S. Lewis
, and Edgar Rice Burroughs
all come to mind as people who have added to the stories and mythology of Mars. Sure, it's a dead planet now, but the thought that we once had neighbors is a great one.
Also, you know, MARTIAN. It's in his NAME. The proposed Martian Manhunter would not be Martian, nor a Manhunter. So maybe his name should just be Bob. Bob the Angry Green Guy with Superpowers. Basically the Hulk
... This idea sucks worse than wearing earbuds while fighting vampires to get endorsement money.
Yeah, I've seen Blade: Trinity
Ace is almost unrecognizable (both visually and in terms of her character), and McCoyís
Doctor is little better. Worse is the appearance of the Brigadier
in the final episode, where he shows up in the following exchange of dialogue, which, I regret to inform you, I quote exactly: Brigadier
: Enemy craft, you have the misfortune of being addressed by the Brigadier! Now get out of my solar system!
At which point the incidental music switches to Dvorakís 'New World Symphony,' although, frankly, I recommend thinking of it as 'My Humps
' simply because itís about the only entertainment that itís possible to wring out of this atrocity. Even if this dialogue were well-written — and it isnít — it would fly in the face of the entire basic premise of the Brigadier post-Pertwee era
, who is manifestly not some sort of superhero
who goes around identifying himself as the Brigadier as if nobody else in the military has ever attained the rank.
As much as I'd like to accept Clark's remark to Oliver in the graveyard — 'No one can push me or lead me anywhere. My whole life, I've been trying to fit into two different worlds and the truth is I don't belong to either one. I need to make my own path. Maybe that means letting go of both worlds.
' — as a kind of metafictional comment
on the series as a whole trying to balance its impulse to be Dawson's Creek
with its (sorry, but weaker) impulse to be true to the source material, everything comes off as far too calculated (too much the piŤce bien faite
, or, well-made play
) and therefore illogical... Darkseid
has been vanquished by one blow into a puff of crows
, proving that Darkseid, too, was but a mere, and ultimately flimsy, prop in all this.
The first three years of this show in earnest, with some flawed concepts and a great deal of fluff, endeavored to tell the tale of a kid learning to be an adult in such a way that he would become a future hero. The high water mark was when Chloe blew up, Lionel went to jail, and Clark gave himself to his training.
Every. Single. Second. After. That. Was. Stretching.
They hit the reset button
and went back. Chloe returned to life. Lionel got out of jail...And from then on, the show became not about this basic thread of story that (rightly) enthralled us. It became a story of how much longer they could stretch that story by exploiting the fan's need to enjoy fanservice and the things they KNOW.
Mikhail Mxyzptlk. Lois Lane in Smallville. Brainiac before Metropolis. This is where things began to go off the rails, and in retrospect, it's where the show stopped being about Clark's journey and started being a very dull drama
that survived because people like you, and ME, yes, me, I am guilty as well, watched it in order to see if Mikhail was, indeed, like the Mxy we know and love. He was not.
Judging from the title and David Hasselhoff's fondness for not trying too hard, you'd think this show would be Baywatch
, at night
. Instead they took the extra step and made it Baywatch
, only in a detective agency solving beach cases. But if you watch it in slow motion
with the brightness turned down, yeah, it's Baywatch
, at night.
For a show that had the name Highlander
, it had almost nothing at all to do with immortals. The first half of the series was almost entirely rejected plots from NYPD Blue
. Amandaís flashbacks were rare and tangential when they did appear... Worst of all, when immortals did appear, they just sucked. We got none of the history we had with bad immortals from the previous series. We didnít even get someone who could delightfully chew the scenery like Mario Van Peebles did as Kane in Highlander III
. We got characters that were just as bland and incompetent as Nick was. One episodeís big villain is an immortal who has figured out a mathematical algorithm
that takes all the immortals in the world and tells him who he needs to kill and in what order to become the last one. YeahÖthereís a guy whose big schtick is that he plays the fantasy football version of immortality. Forget the fact that no one can calculate how a swordfight to the death is going to turn out
due to all the variables involved.
Every single word in this title is a lie. There are no teenagers, no mutants, no ninjas, and no turtles. Well, there actually be may turtles — it's hard to tell
"Hey, wait. You know what would have made it even more of a Wayne's World
'' game? If you controlled a big hand. Both Wayne and Garth have hands. And faces too. Wait! They also both wear blue jeans, so you could control a pair of jeans that has to infiltrate a face warehouse to get their hands back! And if you collected the letters that spelled, 'SCHWING,' your pants would get a hard-on for a bonus 2000 'Party On!' Points. That would be a better game and keep in mind, I have no formal video game training.
I'm 'Alone', but I'm not in a 'Home.' I'm in some sort of botanical garden
. Also, why is this taking place during summer?
Did anyone on this—and I use this term loosely—"team of developers
" watch the film
before sitting down and making the game? I know they had to put it together in one whole weekend
, but damn
son. That is some serious commitment to being unfaithful to your source material!