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Quotes: In Name Only
Lois: There is no talking penguin in The King and I!
Peter: There is in Peter Griffin Presents: The King and I!

"I'm starting to acquire a foreboding sense of grief
For this increasingly-uncomfortable game they're calling "
Thief"
I'm after sprawling levels and organic thieving stunts
Not cutscenes and pre-animated moves beloved by cunts
Is this another stealing of a once-familiar name
To keep afloat the sinking ship of next-gen console games?
You've broken in and stolen one more thing that I adore
Well, call it what you like, but it'll never be
Thief 4"

"Batman: Return of the Joker is an essentially unplayable piece of dogshit released for the sole purpose of cashing in one last time for Sunsoft before the Batman license went to Konami. In it, you get Contra style powerups that allow you to machine gun fire Batterangs in increasingly complicated swirly patterns."

"They are adaptations, just not in the literal, pedestrian sense. I adapt essence. I've been told that Othello is a moorish captain, but in my mind he's a magical talking cello with a lisp. Who is right? Is there a right? For that matter, is there a left?"

"Is this the first time a title has been remade, instead of a movie? And God Created Woman shares little with the 1956 Brigitte Bardot movie except for its name..."

"Get ready for the big-screen adaptation of the best-selling novel, that's got everything you love about the title... and nothing else."

"So, Matthrew Broderick's wife Sarah Jessica Parker emerges from the water and starts smashing New York City, and then wacky hijinks happen with characters from Friends, and then, um, they discover that Godzilla has made small velociraptor eggs in Madison Square Garden, and they have a wacky scene where they mumble mumble."

Matt: Can we talk about how Judge Dredd at this point is totally indistinguishable from, say, the lead character from Demolition Man or Rex Cliffhanger, which I think was the Cliffhanger guy’s name? Everything that makes him Dredd, by appearance, is gone now.
Chris: It’s basically just Cobra 2 now.
Matt Wilson and Chris Sims on on Judge Dredd (1995)

"The Patriot is “based” on the book The Last Canadian. I use quotes on based because it is based on the book in the same way Transformers is based on Les Misérables."
Miles Antwiler on The Patriot (1998)

"It does really go against almost everything represented in the book, and thoroughly soils the title with its badness. It's got no jumping mechs— the trademark weapon of the Federaration's Mobile Infantry, the characters are all wrong, and so on... you have to realize that these fans were completely betrayed by this movie. You can't just steal a title from an established story and discard the story. You have to at least try and involve the source material here. These fans got hit with a bait-and-switch. It's like going into a movie called Moby-Dick and suddenly being blindsided with 90 minutes of David Arquette and Carrot Top chasing a whale around on jet skis, shouting their collect call telephone plan jingles at each other. You can name Arquette's character Queequeg if you like, you're still going to piss people off."

"Shyamalan's true achievement in this film is that he takes a thrilling cult TV series, Avatar: The Last Airbender , and he systematically leaches all the personality and soul out of it."
Charlie Jane Anders on The Last Airbender

"Every single word in this title is a lie. There are no teenagers, no mutants, no ninjas, and no turtles. Well, there actually be may turtles — it's hard to tell."
Hardcore Gaming 101, on the Vietnamese bootleg iOS game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

"Hey, wait. You know what would have made it even more of a Wayne's World game? If you controlled a big hand. Both Wayne and Garth have hands. And faces too. Wait! They also both wear blue jeans, so you could control a pair of jeans that has to infiltrate a face warehouse to get their hands back! And if you collected the letters that spelled, 'SCHWING,' your pants would get a hard-on for a bonus 2000 'Party On!' Points. That would be a better game and keep in mind, I have no formal video game training."

"I'm 'Alone', but I'm not in a 'Home.' I'm in some sort of botanical garden. Also, why is this taking place during summer? Did anyone on this—and I use this term loosely—"team of developers" watch the film before sitting down and making the game? I know they had to put it together in one whole weekend, but damn son. That is some serious commitment to being unfaithful to your source material!"

"We've already discussed the mysterious elimination of the Manhunter part of the Martian Manhunter. But it doesn't stop there! No, the next step is to not make him Martian at all. Per Goyer, 'We grow him in a petri dish...He's like in Area 51 or something...and we're doing biopsies on him and he gets out and he's really angry.' Now, we all know that there probably isn't life on Mars, but it's something people have believed in a long time. It has a lot of mythical and cultural power. H. G. Wells, C. S. Lewis, and Edgar Rice Burroughs all come to mind as people who have added to the stories and mythology of Mars. Sure, it's a dead planet now, but the thought that we once had neighbors is a great one.

Also, you know, MARTIAN. It's in his NAME. The proposed Martian Manhunter would not be Martian, nor a Manhunter. So maybe his name should just be Bob. Bob the Angry Green Guy with Superpowers. Basically the Hulk... This idea sucks worse than wearing earbuds while fighting vampires to get endorsement money. Yeah, I've seen
Blade: Trinity. Twice!"

"It’s a story with the names of the characters, and some of the major scenes, but the underlying narrative simply isn’t the story of Superman. It’s about a guy with an asshole father who got stuck in a podunk town and casually betrayed by every friend he made, including a superhuman who professed to be his best friend but constantly doubted him behind his back and lied to him to his face. When the show embraced that and stopped pretending it was about Superman, that was when the show was it its best. The themes it trades in aren’t the themes of the Superman myth. It’s about secrets and betrayals and f*** you dad. When the show lost its protagonist, Lex, then it became an empty shell that traded on rote pandering towards fans of scenes and characters we all recognize from other media."
Smallvillains on Smallville ("Finale")

"As much as I'd like to accept Clark's remark to Oliver in the graveyard — 'No one can push me or lead me anywhere. My whole life, I've been trying to fit into two different worlds and the truth is I don't belong to either one. I need to make my own path. Maybe that means letting go of both worlds.' — as a kind of metafictional comment on the series as a whole trying to balance its impulse to be Dawson's Creek with its (sorry, but weaker) impulse to be true to the source material, everything comes off as far too calculated (too much the pièce bien faite [or, well-made play]) and therefore illogical... Darkseid has been vanquished by one blow into a puff of crows, proving that Darkseid, too, was but a mere, and ultimately flimsy, prop in all this)."
Marc Pritchard on Smallville ("Finale")

"The first three years of this show in earnest, with some flawed concepts and a great deal of fluff, endeavored to tell the tale of a kid learning to be an adult in such a way that he would become a future hero... And from then on, the show became not about this basic thread of story that (rightly) enthralled us. It became a story of how much longer they could stretch that story by exploiting the fan's need to enjoy fanservice and the things they KNOW.

Mikhail Mxyzptlk. Lois Lane in Smallville. Brainiac before Metropolis. This is where things began to go off the rails, and in retrospect, it's where the show stopped being about Clark's journey and started being a very dull drama that survived because people like you, and ME, yes, me, I am guilty as well, watched it in order to see if Mikhail was, indeed, like the Mxy we know and love.

He was not."

"Judging from the title and David Hasselhoff's fondness for not trying too hard, you'd think this show would be Baywatch, at night. Instead they took the extra step and made it Baywatch, only in a detective agency solving beach cases. But if you watch it in slow motion with the brightness turned down, yeah, it's Baywatch, at night."

"For a show that had the name Highlander, it had almost nothing at all to do with immortals. The first half of the series was almost entirely rejected plots from NYPD Blue. Amanda’s flashbacks were rare and tangential when they did appear... Worst of all, when immortals did appear, they just sucked. We got none of the history we had with bad immortals from the previous series. We didn’t even get someone who could delightfully chew the scenery like Mario Van Peebles did as Kane in Highlander III. We got characters that were just as bland and incompetent as Nick was. One episode’s big villain is an immortal who has figured out a mathematical algorithm that takes all the immortals in the world and tells him who he needs to kill and in what order to become the last one. Yeah…there’s a guy whose big schtick is that he plays the fantasy football version of immortality. Forget the fact that no one can calculate how a swordfight to the death is going to turn out due to all the variables involved

"This little boy is Alex, not Kevin, Alex. He doesn't even know Kevin, that's because Kevin isn't in this movie. None of the original characters are in this movie. This is because nothing about this movie has anything to do with Home Alone. Despite the fact that it carries the name Home Alone. So, why is it called Home Alone? BECAUSE IT IS A GODDAMN HORRIBLE MOVIE!"

"Need I remind you that the APC and 1990s versions of Ren are NOT the same character?"
Duckyworth on Ren's portrayal in the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon episode, 'Ren Seeks Help' note 


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