Quotes / Implausible Deniability

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    anime and manga 

Karin: I don't see what the big deal is with ghosts. I don't even believe in them.
Yuzu: Karin, I don't get how you can say something like that. I thought you had the power to see spirits too.
Karin: I'm in permanent denial. Just seeing them doesn't make me believe in them.
Bleach

    fan fiction 

I was not expecting that to happen," the young man said simply, trying to justify the blood that soiled his clothes.

Halle: We have reasons to believe Kira is an exceptionally talented and highly skilled genius member of the Japanese NPA's Cybercrimes division.
(Everyone stares at Light.)
Light: Clearly, you must be talking about Matsuda.
At that precise moment, Matsuda's printer viciously ate ten sheets of paper at once, choked on them, and died.

Urahara shot a nervous glance at the door. "All right," he said, "there is maybe a possibility that I was the person who was previously in command of Twelfth, but I'd rather not admit to that because I was exiled and there were all sorts of death threats and other minor problems."

Phoenix ran his hand through his hair. "But everyone knows you are."

"Yes," Urahara said, "but that doesn't mean I have to admit to it."
Order in the Court, a Phoenix Wright / Bleach crossover fic

    film - live-action 

Cap. Louis Renault: What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick Blaine: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Renault: "The waters"? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed.

Peasant: Here's a corpse for ya.
"Corpse": I'M NOT DEAD!
Undertaker: What was that?
Peasant: Nothing, here's your ninepence.
"Corpse": I'M NOT DEAD!
Undertaker: He says he's not dead.
Peasant: Yes he is.
"Corpse": I FEEL FINE!
Peasant: (Shut it.)

Fred Randall: It wasn't me!
Bill Overbeck: What do you mean, 'it wasn't you'? We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!

Eminem: You just caught this bitch cheatin'!
While you at work, she's with some dude trying to get off?...
Dr. Dre: Wait, what if there's an explanation for this shit?
Eminem: What, she tripped, fell, landed on his dick?
Guilty Conscience

    live-action tv 

I'm asking you, please no!
It isn't right, it isn't fair!
There was no parking anywhere
I think that hydrant wasn't there
—"The Parking Ticket", Buffy the Vampire Slayer ("Once More with Feeling")

Felicity: If it's an "energy drink", why is it in a syringe?
Oliver: I ran out of sports bottles.
Diggle: Your BS stories are getting worse.
Oliver: I'm well aware.
Arrow episode twelve, "Vertigo"

It was a lie. And he lied even as he was telling us whether or not it was a lie.
Rob Brydon, Would I Lie to You?

Jake: Look at us. Just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
Capt. Holt: Yep, no story here.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Beach House

Stanley... That better be ME you're having sex with!
Karen Walker, Will and Grace

    podcasts 

Trish Hidge, from the mayor’s office, called a press conference today in which she stood in front of a large truck, painted in bright neon colors and decorated with flashing lights, and resolutely denied the truck’s existence. She continued this denial for several minutes, and through a lengthy round of questioning from the gathered reporters, although it should be noted that many of the questions took the form of just pointing at the truck and raising an eyebrow. Ms Hidge admitted afterwards that the conference was simply a workout for her denial skills, which she says she must keep sharp through constant practice, and which she also says do not exist.

    Stand-up comedy 

"R. Kelly's got a lot of balls. Talking about "it ain't me." Got a damn sex tape out — "It ain't me." Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed!"

    theatre 

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business. In storms my husband Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' the milkman," he says. He was crazy and he kept screamin', "you been screwin' the milkman."
He ran into my knife ten times.
Chicago, "The Cell Block Tango"

    webcomics 

Susan: My hair changed color. It happens!
Nanase: Hair doesn't just spontaneously change color!
Susan: I stand by my ridiculous claim.

    web original 

You'd think that a news anchor would be better at lying to the general public, but NO! Turns out Brian Williams is just as bad of a liar as my five-year-old is. "Well, see, I seem to have misremembered... it was so foggy... I guess I just got those helicopters mixed up with this mai tai I was sipping on a beach!" I expect more from my national news anchor. I expect him to deliver my lies with the kind of authorial gravitas that I need to believe a bunch of generalized horseshit. Trouble on Wall Street today! New worries over vaccines! And finally tonight, some good news from Afghanistan! Those are all lies of a sort... Brian Williams has probably delivered all of them expertly. And now he can't even properly lie about this.
Drew Magary, "Make It Stop"

To prove that his size had nothing to do with steroids, Hulk showed a picture of himself, supposedly at age 10, with his Little League baseball team. I don’t mean to cast doubt on Hogan’s claim, but does anyone else find it unusual that there are two other “ten-year-olds” on the team who are as tall as the coach? If this picture was legit, though, it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Hulkster didn’t get tall from using steroids. Take that, media!

Heather Mills has confessed that she’s pretty much blown through her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in less than two years. As soon as the money dropped into her checking account, Heather said she immediately handed it over to various charities. You know, because she’s like the Robin Hood of gold digging whores.
Michael K., "Heather Mills is as Broke as She Looks"

Poor, poor, pitiful Dr. Bob.

For those of you not familiar with him, I’m referring, of course, to Robert “Dr. Bob” Sears, MD, the antivaccine-sympathetic (or, more appropriately, antivaccine-pandering) pediatrician in Capistrano Beach, CA known for his Vaccine Book, a veritable font of antivaccine misinformation gussied up as a “reasonable” middle ground. Too bad it’s not.

In any case, in the wake of the Disneyland measles outbreak, Dr. Bob has found himself under a lot of criticism...Dr. Bob posted this update on the Disneyland measles outbreak on his Facebook page entitled “JUST HOW DEADLY IS MEASLES?” In it, Dr. Bob strives mightily to convince his readers that the measles is no big whoop.
Orac, "Poor, poor me, you stupid people"

    western animation 

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.

Rainbow Dash: What's with the croquet Mallet?
Rarity: What croquet Mallet?
Rainbow Dash: Uh, the one in your mouth?

    real life 

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.

First German: Oh Klaus! It's so good to see you again! How was it in the concentration camp?
Second German: Lovely. Breakfast in bed, our choice of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa, then sports, then a three course lunch. We had movies in the afternoon, and after dinner we milled around the courtyard with a smoke and a beer.
First German: Wow, I didn't know it was so nice. To think of the lies they spread about the places! When Mr. Meyer got out, he told me so many awful horror stories.
Second German: Mm. That's why he got sent back.
Popular joke in Nazi Germany


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