Quotes / Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy


Fiction

Stormtrooper 1: "We could go to the shooting range."
Stormtrooper 2: "No need, I hit three out of twenty yesterday."
Stormtrooper 1: "That many?! It's a new base record!"
Stormtrooper 2: "I closed my eyes. It actually helped."

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Evil Overlord List, Item no. 56

Cleveland: They're shooting at us!
Peter: Good thing bad guys have such terrible shots!
Guard: (shooting in random directions) Man, these guys are elusive!
Family Guy, "Cool Hand Peter"

Martin Crane: A man's supposed to honor his agreements. Didn't you learn anything from that movie?
Frasier Crane: Yes, only that bullets are useless against a man who can kick really high.
Frasier

Brigadier: No casualties?
Turner: No, sir. All well. Fortunately Vaughn's jackboots couldn't... couldn't shoot a flying elephant.
Doctor Who, "The Invasion"

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. Vogons are the worst marksmen in the galaxy."

"Harry! You're alive! And you're a horrible shot!"
Lloyd Christmas, Dumb and Dumber

"And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise."

Beast Man uses one of Grayskull's high tech kill-you guns to blast at the fleeing He-Man, altogether forgetting the cardinal rule of cartoon villains: they've got the worst aim in the universe.

"I don't even really have to dodge. He just kind of misses."

"The great thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe just as long as you stand right in front of the target."
James May, Top Gear

Stormtrooper 1: Have we ever hit anyone with these guns?
Stormtrooper 2: I hit a bird once.
Family Guy, "Something Something Something Dark Side"

A fierce battle follows, during which about 1 in 10 shots fired actually hits something.

Lister: Why don't we meet anyone nice?
Cat: Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight?
Red Dwarf, "Quarantine"

"You missed! How could you miss?! He was three feet in front of you!"
Mushu (to Mulan, who hit exactly what she aimed at, Mulan

Lucky Luke: (a shot misses him and hits a cow) It's a shame to be such a lousy shot.
Jolly Jumper: You'll not hear me complain.
Lucky Luke, The Rivals of Painful Gulch

"Look, son, being a good shot, being quick with a pistol, that don't do no harm, but it don't mean much next to being cool-headed. A man who will keep his head and not get rattled under fire, like as not, he'll kill ya. It ain't so easy to shoot a man anyhow, especially if the son-of-a-bitch is shootin' back at you."
Little Bill Daggett, Unforgiven

Go-To-Guy: You realise we weren't trying to kill you. We were only trying to scare you into surrendering.
Smith: Well that's one way to explain why you can't shoot straight.

You will be terrible, when it comes to shooting you're just terrible
You'll shoot at 210 Gungans and not a single one will die
We'll get the last laugh on Palpatine's ass
By building him an army of guys
So terrible
am I!

"Sheena, this guy's aim's so bad, I'll be safer if he's targeting me!"
Kid Radd, Kid Radd

"Where do we get these guys, Stormtroopers 'R' Us?"
Revolver Ocelot, The Last Days of FOXHOUND

(Well, those turning around would see.... A dead storm trooper. Some how the fucker missed, at point blank, and nailed his teammate instead.)
Stormtroopers: Traitor!
(One of the stormtroopers shoots at the executioner. Also missing, and hitting his buddy. Causing the rest to look at him too. And one fires at him. And well... Yeah, this repeats, and starts up a chain reaction. Haken sighs.)
Haken: These guys are more dangerous to themselves than to us, hell they're more dangerous to themselves than we are.

"Oh, my God, I suck!"
Church, Red vs. Blue

Arius: Mr. Bennett, my soldiers are patriots.
Bennett: Your soldiers are nothing. Matrix and I could kill every one of them, in the blink of an eye. Remember that.

"Lonzak, you lummox!" cried Zarkendorf. "He's right in front of you how could you possibly miss? Didn't I send you to the Stormtrooper Academy on Kamino?"
Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space

"So is there a Decepticon school where they teach you how to miss?"

"My God. Do we just suck, or is this guy really that good?"
Mr Hertz, Shoot 'em Up

"If you were a lumberjack, the only thing safe in the forest would be the trees."

"He's more likely to hit me if I dodge."

On works

"You know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to 'miss'."

C-3PO: Oh no! Chewie, they're behind you!
Bill Corbet: And if you give them several hundred unimpeded shots they might, might, just get lucky and bounce one off a wall that might, and let me stress again might, actually do some damage... possibly.

"Gentlemen, fire - and miss an astounding percentage of your shots - at will."
Bill Corbett on the First Order Stormtroopers, RiffTrax of The Force Awakens

Like many Transformers, they brilliantly set their guns to shoot everything around the target, except the target. We feel that gave the opponent a fighting chance.
The Nostalgia Critic (as Optimus Prime) reviewing The Transformers

"Set your guns to not even close!"

I don't know, I just feel like we all have really great aim until the second we put on these helmets...

"Excellent shot, Mister Joe, except for the fact that you missed. Fire again!"

"And now we partake in the best part of any Arnold movie, when everyone in the entire world tries to hit this guy, and not one friggin' bullet touches him. STOP SHOOTING AT THE GROUND, YA MORONS!!!"

They expend most of their ammunition (and half their team) in a single firefight, and they don't hit a head once. Never mind basic survival, that's statistically impossible. They hit the walls, the roof, the floor, and destroy the "safety controls" on the experimental mega-zombie containment units littered about the room, which releases even more undead; they shoot so badly they actually increase the number of zombies.

"Bond uses Jinx's grappling line (which still hasn't been taken down) to get to the roof. He then uses it again to run down the roof and head for Graves' ice skimmer. As he gets in, Zao's henchmen keep missing, despite being about ten feet away and shooting at a mostly stationary target."

"...And then I fired again. And then I missed. And then I fired, and fired, and missed. I missed both times. And then I fired. And I missed. This went on for several hours. And then I fired. And then I missed. And then I was out of bullets. And then I got sad. And I had a Popsicle. And I passed out in the snow. And then I woke up. And then I reloaded. And then I fired. And then I missed. I missed again. I fired. I hit something. But it wasn't what I was going for, so I guess I missed. I passed out again. I had another Popsicle. I had a dream that I was firing at something—I missed."

Krennic: Ugh, I guess I'll have to go down there.
Trooper: Don't you have a million Stormtroopers?
Krennic: Yeah, but I can actually hit something! [storms away]
Trooper: [hangs head] What an asshole.


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