Quotes / Hypocritical Heartwarming

"Nobody sucks the life from my penguins except me!"
The Ice King, Adventure Time

Otter: He can't do that to our pledges!
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.

(heavy arguing between Touya and Shindou, Shindou storms off)
Customer: That Shindou really needs to learn his place. A mere first dan shouldn't argue against the young master.
Akira: (enraged) No matter how good you are, you're a first dan when you start off. Don't look down upon Shindou just because he's a first-dan! (strides away indignantly)
Hikaru no Go

Kei: Why did you help me back there?
Yui: Because the only one allowed to make fun of you is me!

Janis: This is Damian. He's almost too gay to function.
Damian: (outraged) Too gay to function?
Janis: It's only okay when I say that!
Mean Girls when Cady repeats the above to Damian.

Kyousuke: I hate hearing someone other than me badmouthing her!
Oreimo after Kirino mocks Manami.

Alice: Nobody touches my PROPERTY! And Oz is my manservant - therefore, he is my property!

Cox: All I remember is we were both making fun of our kids, and bam, he stuck me with Ted.
Jordan: No, you made fun of your kid, he made fun of his kid ... and then you made fun of his kid.

Wolverine: Cyclops might be a jerk, but he's our jerk!
Secret Wars response to Hawkeye.

Even she, when she was with her sharpest tongue, had called him Loki Cowardson more often than not, drawing a chuckle from Fandral and a bemused head shake from Volstagg each time she had done so. Thor often told her to save her bite for the battlefield in such moments - for he was always as quick to shield his brother as he was to jab his own taunts. But, such was the way of siblings.
Narration, "Steel in Your Hand, a Thor fanfic

No one takes the piss out of Light apart from me.

We earn the right to pick on Greendale every day by going there. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet, and nobody craps in it but us.
Jeff Winger, Community ("Basic Rocket Science")

No one beats up on Odie but me!
Garfield, June 12, 1981

Poor Odie. He faces a life of torture, neglect and degradation... Hey, nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!

"Neither personally nor auctorially did I feel sorry for Nixon during the days of Watergate and his resignation. After all, he was simply acting out his Big Loser nature and, in the process, he turned being a Big Loser into a perfect triumph by managing to lose the presidency in a way bigger and more original than anyone else had ever lost it before. That takes gumption. No, I only began to feel sorry for him when the late, much-dreaded Fawn M. Brodie, a certifiable fool, wrote one of her pseudo-psychobiographies of him and plowed him under as if he were a mere Thomas Jefferson in pursuit of mulatto nymphets. Enough is enough, I said to myself; do not inflict this Freudian horseshit on Nixon—my Nixon."

"If we were fighting, get out of the room. But if we were teamed up against a common target, we were lethal. Our first time on his show, Howard Stern never knew what hit him. He picked on one of us, and we were both at his throat."
Roger Ebert on Gene Siskel

"...And lemme tell you something, Rams Twitter: You don't get TWO hashtag mottos. You can't #DefendOurTurf and be #SackCity. Pick one. Both mottos are outright lies anyway. You play in the EJ Dome. No one defends the EJ Dome. An asteroid shower could hit the area, and that Dome would be the last place people would fortify."
Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: St. Louis Rams"

"It's not that we don't fight, butt heads, and generally piss each other off. We do. Like any sibling relationship. No, it's this. If you or anyone else ever hurts my sister, I will rip your intestines out, fashion a noose from them, and hang you from them while repeatedly punching you in your now-exposed kidneys."

Cristian was still the same old jerk/hero of an older brother, teasing her mercilessly about her taste in girls but then beating the crap out of anyone who gave her crap for being gay including cousin Romero.

"You're a guest of the MacKenzie. We can insult you, but God help any other man that does."
Murtagh Fraser, Outlander

"You may think Gary is a bit of a cock actually, he is a bit of a cock, but he's my cock. "
Andy, The World's End

"Even though [Hori] teases Prez all the time, she gets angry when someone says bad things about him. I don't get Childhood Friends."
Miyamura, Horimiya