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Quotes: Hypocritical Humor

Comics

"And look who it is... Sonic, Princess Sally, and that overweight walrus! Tsk! Tsk! How can anyone let himself get so obese?"
Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Sonic the Hedgehog issue #3

Lois: You did what? What ever possessed you to throw yourself out a window to get someone's attention?
Clark: The memory of you asking me that with a straight face will last a lifetime.
52

Wolverine: Okay, well, if you want to get technical...
X-Men

"Remember! Football develops initiative, leadership, and individuality! Now go out there and do exactly as I told you!
Archie Andrews, coaching a girls' football team in Archie, October 12, 1946

"Gentlemen, if there's one thing I hate more than the chinese, it's racism."
General Samuel Surrender, Achille Talon.

Fan Work

"No fair! Something so cute shouldn't have such a strong attack! Cheater!"

Film

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Louis: I am shocked, shocked, to find that gambling going on in here!
Emile: Your winnings, sir.
Louis: (sotto voce, to Emile) Thank you. Thank you very much. (shouting, to casino patrons) Everybody out!

''"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is The War Room!"
President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You're the vulgarian, you fuck!

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch.
Nigel Powers, Austin Powers: Goldmember

Brian: No, no, no, you don't understand. You've got to work it out for yourselves.
Followers: [chanting] Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves.
Brian: You're all individuals!
Followers: Yes, we're all individuals.
Brian: You're all different!
Followers: Yes, we are all different.

Officer: Worst of all, [Colt] is gun happy!
Colt: [points a gun in her face] Where do you get off saying that?!

Literature

"“The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.”

This column generated a large amount of mail from irate opera lovers who:
1. Pointed out that they are far more sophisticated, urbane, and cultured than I am, and
2. Used some really dirty words.
Dave Barry, "The Fat Lady Sings"

He didn't take it personally. He was a hired killer, after all. It would be pretty hypocritical to take a murder attempt personally, after everything he'd done. But that was no reason to let them live.
Tesseract, Skulduggery Pleasant : Mortal Coil

"It's so pervasive now, everywhere and al the time, day after day, stories that never conclude. Look at O.J. Simpson—there's nothing else on television all day long. Live." I confessed that I had become addicted to the pretrial hearings, and she confessed to some lawyerly interest in the case.
Hillary Clinton (attributed), Palimpsest

I doubt [Haruhi] even knows where Honduras is. Let's see, somewhere below Mexico, right?
Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya

"Those guys ripped off what we rightfully stole!"
Hamilton Holt, The 39 Clues

Men always seemed to think violence could solve anything. If she had had a stout stick, she would have thumped all three of them about the shoulders until they saw reason.
— Nynaeve al'Meara's thoughts, The Wheel of Time

Live-Action TV

"Jonathan Ross is the worst kind of nasty, gratuitous, insulting, viciously insensitive bully." said Piers Morgan... from his glass house!
Tom Baker, reading a quote on Have I Got News for You

Nigel Farage: I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians using all these expenses to better themselves. Disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?
Ian Hislop: It is absolutely disgraceful, Mister Kettle.

"So, they're just gonna sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show. What Jerks!"

Brennan: Kyle. I know you get everything you want by flaunting your superior intellect, but that won't work with me.
Aldridge: And why is that?
Brennan: Because I'm smarter than you are.
Bones

Kermit: And we promise we won't stoop to cheap 3D tricks.
Fozzie: Did someone say cheap 3D tricks?! (blows a party favor at the camera)

"Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient!"
Frasier Crane, Frasier

Clair: I've never seen [Rudy] so bossy!
Cliff: She is kind of pushy.
Clair: Well I don't like it. Call her in here!

"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at."
Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Misc

"I hate people who generalize. They're all idiots."
Anonymous

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

"It's so pervasive now, everywhere and all the time, day after day, stories that never conclude. Look at O.J. Simpson—there's nothing else on television all day long. Live." I confessed that I had become addicted to the pretrial hearings, and she confessed to some lawyerly interest in the case.
Hillary Clinton (attributed), Palimpsest

"People say I am ruthless. I am not ruthless. And if I find the man who is calling me ruthless, I shall destroy him."
Robert F. Kennedy

Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.
— unknown, attributed to multiple sources

"Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves."

Music

"...there are some people who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that!"
Tom Lehrer, in a foreword for "National Brotherhood Week"

"I'll judge you all and make damn sure that no one judges me!"
Jethro Tull, "Thick as a Brick"

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
— Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, "Thou Shalt Always Kill"

Professional Wrestling
Hunter: From 10 PM to 11 PM, we will only use the words ass, damn, hell, and bitch. We will never, however, use the words shit, fuck, goddamn, Jesus Christ, faggot or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now then, as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references.
Shawn: Ah, shit!
Hunter: Watch your fuckin' mouth!
Shawn: Well, fuck me!
Hunter: Goddamnit! (under his breath) Fuck!
D-Generation X's State of the Union promo

Stand-Up Comedy

"It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, 'if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt'."
Ed Byrne

Theatre

"I never swear. I detest this habit. What the devil do you mean?"
Henry Higgins, Pygmalion

In time I grew as rich as the Gurneys
An incubus then I thought her
So I threw over the rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage
And now if you please, I'm ready to try
This breach of promise of marriage.
The Learned Judge, Trial By Jury

Video Games

"That's a lie! I don't need a potion to be nice, and I'll pound anyone who says I do into mush!"

Marisa: A half-beast that can't morph without the full moon is just a human. Weak!
Alice: You DO know you're a human too, right?
Touhou Project: Imperishable Night

"DEMOCRACY IS NON NEGOTIABLE!"
Liberty Prime, Fallout3

"Awareness is the key to victory! Be sure you never let your guard dow-"*accidentally stabs his feet on his spear*"Owwowowwow!"
Jarvan IV, League of Legends

Web Original

Dear audience who might be inspired by me, unfortunately, to make videos because of my videos on the internet:
Please try and suss out the things which are not interesting and that should be edited out. I am aware that it is customary to try to show everything in a video game, or at the very least, as much as possible, but there is such a thing as knowing what to weed out, or the very least, accelerate. Sometimes, even when it's new content, it's better off accelerated. I know that a lot of you are pretty smart about this, but others.... aren't, for lack of a better word.
raocow, over unedited footage of life farming

Athens: The same reports are coming in from the vessel commanders throughout the fleet. As we expected, the organic units are proving very selfish. Even with the two courses laid clearly before them, they stubbornly choose futile efforts at self-preservation over the greater good.
Petey: The next engagements begin shortly. Athens, we need live telemetry feeds from all your systems - maybe we can learn something important.
Athens: Who says I'm going first? I'm the flagship. You go first.

"I'm on your side! How many of you do I have to kill before you understand that!?"

"It turns out that Maxwell Lord wanted to get rid of superheros and super villains, so that normal humans to rightfully retake the Earth. Because super-powered being are too powerful. And yet HE is a super-powered being!"
Linkara

"Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices the happier you will be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt?"

You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus! But I'll tell you the worst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-
*system error box pops up*

Hey, I'm upset about it too, but let's watch the fucking language.
Auto-Responder, Homestuck

The Nerd: Holy shit! *is blasted*
Super Mecha Death Christ: WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!!

"Those Spanish probably won't even eat [the chicken], just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev."

Western Animation

"Yeah, but I couldn't have done it without you guys. And I'll never desert my friends again! Now excuse me while I desert you to talk to Trixie."
Timmy Turner, The Fairly Oddparents

"Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!"
Robot Devil, Futurama

"Hey, I might have a high opinion of myself and a low opinion of everyone else, but that doesn't make me arrogant."

Mark Posubule: Forgive your debtors!
Clay Puppington: Forgive your trespassers!
Mark Posubule: You owe me a bottle of wine!
Clay Puppington: Get off my property!
Moral Orel, "The Lord's Prayer"

"(reading a ransom note) It from the martians! I know it them cause they no use good grammar."
Mr. Wong, Futurama

Beavis: "School sucks".
Principal McVicker: "You watch your mouth, you little pain-in-the-ass!"
Beavis and Butt-Head, "Speech Therapy"

"I am a woman of science. At least that's what my horoscope said."
Stacy Hirano, Phineas and Ferb

"That old birdcage? Poppycock! Elevators are for old people!"

Rat: "I'm thinking about pushing you off a tall cliff and filming what happens."
Pig: "What for?"
Rat: "'Cause then I can get on one of those 'shocking video' shows and be famous."
Pig: "But I could get hurt.
Rat: "There's no 'I' in 'team'

"I'll prove I'm a good guy even if I have to destroy this entire city and beat you to a pulp!"

"If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do."
The Goth Kids, South Park


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