Quotes: Hypocritical Humor
"And look who it is... Sonic, Princess Sally, and that overweight walrus! Tsk! Tsk! How can anyone let himself get so obese?"
Lois: You did what? What ever possessed you to throw yourself out a window to get someone's attention?
: The memory of you asking me
that with a straight face will last a lifetime
Okay, well, if you want to get technical...
"Remember! Football develops initiative, leadership, and individuality! Now go out there and do exactly as I told you!
— Archie Andrews
, coaching a girls' football team in Archie
, October 12, 1946
"Gentlemen, if there's one thing I hate more than the chinese, it's racism."
"No fair! Something so cute shouldn't have such a strong attack! Cheater!"
: How can you close me up? On what grounds? Louis
: I am shocked, shocked
, to find that gambling is going on in here! Emile
: (handing him a stack of bills)
Your winnings, sir. Louis
: Oh thank you very much. (shouting to casino patrons)
Everybody out at once!
''"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is The War Room
Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
: You're the vulgarian, you fuck!
There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch.
Brian: No, no, no, you don't understand. You've got to work it out for yourselves.
Followers: [chanting] Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves.
Brian: You're all individuals!
Followers: Yes, we're all individuals.
Brian: You're all different!
: Yes, we are all different.
: [points a gun in her face] Where do you get off saying that?!
He's a common, ignorant slob! He don't even speak good English. Juror #11: Doesn't
even speak good English.
"“The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.”
This column generated a large amount of mail from irate opera lovers who:
1. Pointed out that they are far more sophisticated, urbane, and cultured than I am, and
2. Used some really dirty words.
He didn't take it personally. He was a hired killer, after all. It would be pretty hypocritical to take a murder attempt personally, after everything he'd done. But that was no reason to let them live.
"It's so pervasive now, everywhere and al the time, day after day, stories that never conclude. Look at O.J. Simpson—there's nothing else on television all day long. Live." I confessed that I had become addicted to the pretrial hearings, and she confessed to some lawyerly interest in the case.
I doubt [Haruhi] even knows where
. Let's see, somewhere below Mexico, right?
"Those guys ripped off what we rightfully stole!"
Men always seemed to think violence could solve anything. If she had had a stout stick, she would have thumped all three of them about the shoulders until they saw reason.
"Jonathan Ross is the worst kind of nasty, gratuitous, insulting, viciously insensitive bully." said Piers Morgan... from his glass house!
Nigel Farage: I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians using all these expenses to better themselves. Disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?
It is absolutely disgraceful, Mister Kettle.
"So, they're just gonna sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show. What Jerks!"
Brennan: Kyle. I know you get everything you want by flaunting your superior intellect, but that won't work with me.
Aldridge: And why is that?
: Because I'm smarter than you are.
Kermit: And we promise we won't stoop to cheap 3D tricks.
Did someone say cheap 3D tricks
?! (blows a party favor at the camera)
"Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient!"
Clair: I've never seen [Rudy] so bossy!
Cliff: She is kind of pushy.
: Well I don't like it. Call her in here!
"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."
"It's so pervasive now, everywhere and all the time, day after day, stories that never conclude. Look at O.J. Simpson—there's nothing else on television all day long. Live." I confessed that I had become addicted to the pretrial hearings, and she confessed to some lawyerly interest in the case.
"People say I am ruthless. I am not ruthless. And if I find the man who is calling me ruthless, I shall destroy him."
— Robert F. Kennedy
"Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves."
"...there are some people who do not love their fellow human beings, and I
hate people like that!"
— Tom Lehrer
, in a foreword for "National Brotherhood Week"
"I'll judge you all and make damn sure that no one judges me!"
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music Professional Wrestling
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
— Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, "Thou Shalt Always Kill"
: From 10 PM to 11 PM, we will only use the words ass, damn, hell, and bitch. We will never
, however, use the words shit, fuck, goddamn, Jesus Christ
, faggot or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now then, as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references. Shawn
: Ah, shit! Hunter
: Watch your fuckin' mouth! Shawn
: Well, fuck me! Hunter
: Goddamnit! (under his breath
"It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, 'if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt'."
"I never swear. I detest this habit. What the devil do you mean?"
In time I grew as rich as the Gurneys Video Games
An incubus then I thought her
So I threw over the rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage
And now if you please, I'm ready to try
This breach of promise of marriage.
"That's a lie! I don't need a potion to be nice, and I'll pound anyone who says I do into mush!"
Marisa: A half-beast that can't morph without the full moon is just a human. Weak!
: You DO know you're a human too, right?
— Touhou Project: Imperishable Night
"DEMOCRACY IS NON NEGOTIABLE!"
Genocider Jill, Ultimate Murderous Fiend: Shut your murdering mouth, murderer!
Yasuhiro Hagakure, Ultimate ClairvoyantWeb Animation
: Who're you
calling a murderer!?
"I'm not bossy! Don't say things like that!"
: The same reports are coming in from the vessel commanders throughout the fleet. As we expected, the organic units are proving very selfish. Even with the two courses laid clearly before them, they stubbornly choose futile efforts at self-preservation over the greater good. Petey
: The next engagements begin shortly. Athens, we need live telemetry feeds from all your systems - maybe we can learn something important. Athens
: Who says I'm going first? I'm the flagship. You
Hey, I'm upset about it too, but let's watch the fucking language.
Dear audience who might be inspired by me, unfortunately, to make videos because of my videos on the internet:
Please try and suss out the things which are not interesting and that should be edited out. I am aware that it is customary to try to show everything in a video game, or at the very least, as much as possible, but there is such a thing as knowing what to weed out, or the very least, accelerate. Sometimes, even when it's new content, it's better off accelerated. I know that a lot of you are pretty smart about this, but others.... aren't, for lack of a better word.
"I'm on your side! How many of you do I have to kill before you understand that!?"
"It turns out that Maxwell Lord wanted to get rid of superheros and super villains, so that normal humans to rightfully retake the Earth. Because super-powered being are too powerful. And yet HE is a super-powered being!"
"Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices the happier you will be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt?"
You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus! But I'll tell you the worst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab- [system error box pops up]
The Nerd: Holy shit! *is blasted*
Super Mecha Death Christ
: WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!!
"Those Spanish probably won't even eat [the chicken], just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev."
"I love it when Geoff is mad at everyone for pissing around, then he goes and blows everything up."
"Yeah, but I couldn't have done it without you guys. And I'll never desert my friends again! Now excuse me while I desert you to talk to Trixie."
"Hey, I might have a high opinion of myself and a low opinion of everyone else, but that doesn't make me arrogant."
Mark Posubule: Forgive your debtors!
Clay Puppington: Forgive your trespassers!
Mark Posubule: You owe me a bottle of wine!
: Get off my property!
Beavis: "School sucks".
: "You watch your mouth, you little pain-in-the-ass!"
"I am a woman of science. At least that's what my horoscope said."
"That old birdcage? Poppycock! Elevators are for old people!"
Rat: "I'm thinking about pushing you off a tall cliff and filming what happens."
Pig: "What for?"
Rat: "'Cause then I can get on one of those 'shocking video' shows and be famous."
Pig: "But I could get hurt.
: "There's no 'I' in 'team'
"If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do."
"I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Marked research shows that people see you as something of an ogre." Mr. Burns:
"I ought to club them and eat their bones!"