Quotes / Horrible Hollywood

Blogs

Having lived in Los Angeles for nearly three months, I can assure you that panel two’s◊ depiction of a Hollywood producer is 100% accurate.

—The Comics Curmudgeon

In a recent interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Jennifer Aniston lamented that the movie industry is "becoming about TikTok and Instagram", claiming that many actors are hired primarily because of their follower count. With decades of experience as an actress, she no doubt remembers the good old days when casting was based on nepotism and sexual favors.

— Tam the Man

Films — Animated

"When most people think of L.A., they think of the bright lights and glamor of Hollywood. But those lights cast dark shadows. Shadows that hide even darker secrets."

—Jim Corrigan, DC Showcase: The Spectre

"Sometimes, there isn't a hell of a lot of satisfaction in my job. It's hard watching talented, beautiful people throw their lives away for nothing... But this is a town where fame and fortune too easily bring out the worst in people. "

—Jim Corrigan, DC Showcase: The Spectre

Films — Live-Action

Celeste: [accepting an award] Oh, there's so many people to thank! First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...
Ariel: (Bitch!)
David: (Hag!)
Montana:: (I hate her so much!)

—Soapdish

Music

All around, people lookin' half-dead
Walkin' on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head

—Lovin' Spoonful, "Summer in the City"

Live-Action TV

"MOVIES, MOVIES!
WOW THEY ROCK!”
Well once they did,
But listen kids:
It's all a big crock!
Now it's market trends, fickle friends and hollywood baloney
Believe me Neil, you're better off polishing your Tony

—Jack Black, 87th Academy Awards (shortly before Anna Kendrick throws a shoe at him)

"I'm a fucking talk show host, okay? I'm all fucked up."

—Larry, The Larry Sanders Show ("Putting the 'Gay' Back in Litigation")

Theatre

The usual crowd. The traveling compliment show. Everyone thrilled with everyone's success; positively orgasmic at anyone's failure. Envy so thick, you can cut it with the knife lodged in every other back. The script's going along pretty well. Some interesting changes I sort of like. At any rate, Buddy does, therefore, I do.

— Stine, City of Angels

Video Games

Johnny Cage: I know studio execs tougher than you!
Kabal: No suit's gonna slit your throat!
Johnny Cage: Have you been to Hollywood?

— Mortal Kombat 11

Ashrah: Your Hollywood is rife with evil.
Johnny Cage: You don't need your kriss to know that.

— Mortal Kombat 1

Web Original

Movies have a long and storied tradition of biting the hand that feeds them, lashing out at the callus, cold-bloodedness of Hollywood and the soul-selling 'artists' who reside there. However, the Coen Brother's Barton Fink may be the first to depict Hollywood both literally and metaphorically as hell, going as far as to compare the studio system to the Nazis.

—Matt Muchaley on Barton Fink

I know, BREAKING NEWS, a creepy grown Hollywood director tried to get on a pretty, barely legal girl. The real news is that Woody tried to get with Mariel when she was already legal. But WTF at her parents... “Iss okay, honey, juss share a room with him. He’ll make you faymish!“

—Michael K., "Woody Allen Tried To Get With Mariel Hemingway When She Was Barely Legal"

Britney sits down with the camera and says 'DEAR GOD HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE. I CAN NO LONGER FEEL MYSELF IN MY OWN SKIN. I CAN ONLY SUBMERSE MYSELF DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO MY OWN PAIN. PLEASE SOMEONE, ANYONE SAVE ME FROM THIS.' And then the interviewer says hahahhah Britney you are the best OMG tell us how you stay so fit, girl!''

— Jezebel, "Britney Spears' Delusional 'Documentary' is a Hot, Glittery Mess"

Given the back-and-forth comments between the actress and her director, I suspect the Hitler comparison was meant to be a joke. But Bay doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who can take being publicly embarrassed... In order to revive her flagging career, Fox was forced to issue a public mea culpa and reunite with the man who ruined her reputation.

—LeBeau, "What the Helll Happened to Megan Fox?"

Everyone in L.A. is either dead of COVID or can’t get an audition right now. I know a lot of depressed people in L.A. Know why? Because L.A. treats everyone like disposable chum and then has the balls to say they should be happy because the weather is nice and there are beaches locals never go to. These new logos should be fucking dead gray. The uniforms should be too, but instead you got new threads “Inspired by the color of a ram horn and the sands of L.A…” That shit looks like a new Butterfinger wrapper. Crispety, crunchety, but also socially aware-ety.

—Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Los Angeles Rams"

Here's what I learned in two years of mostly answering phones, typing reports, making coffee and periodically having to run up to the Oscar-lined executive floors: Entertainment is a fabulous business to go into if you enjoy being a nervous, groveling toady, a petulant tantrum thrower and a crafty manipulator—all at the same time.

— Mary Elizabeth Williams

Web Video

"Everything I’ve heard about Hollywood has never been good. You know, they make these movies, they’re supposed to make you feel really good, and make you escape the pains of your real life, but when you go to Hollywood, the pain is there. It’s always there and Hollywood never lets you forget that."

— Donnie DuPre, Demo Reel

Western Animation

Sarah Lynn: Y'know, it's amazing that it's legal for kids to be actors. How is that not child labor? I didn't know what I was signing up for. I was three.

— BoJack Horseman, "That's Too Much, Man!"

Real Life

"In Hollywood, you can seduce a man's wife, rape his daughter and wipe your hands on his canary, but if you don't like his movie, you're dead."

—Josef von Sternberg

"It's about two percent movie-making and ninety-eight percent hustling. It's no way to spend a life."

— Orson Welles, The Battle Over Citizen Kane

"Most of the successful people in Hollywood are failures as human beings."

— Marlon Brando

I'd never seen him before, but I knew of his fearsome reputation. Dexter was not in home in pubs; the crowded and noisy atmosphere diluted his authority. But sometimes, because nearly everybody else was in the pub, he'd stroll in and spoil it for one or two poor souls. He'd pass the time and make a few of his victims long for death.

—Tom Baker on director John Dexter, Who on Earth Is Tom Baker?

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

—Hunter S. Thompson

"She was awfully full of herself. In 110-degree weather, after two weeks of rehearsal, she’d ask the director, ‘What’s my motivation?’ and she’d play her goddamn flute till we were ready to strangle her."

—Anonymous Crew Member on Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, referring to Sean Young

"You must remember one thing about Hollywood. Even if Ishtar is a big bomb, Warren, Dustin, Elaine, and I will all work again … only next time at a higher fee!"

—Paul Williams, composer for Ishtar

"I admit, I became a hermit...I moved my kids out of LA so they could grow up with real people—the kids of gas pump attendants, plumbers, and real family people."

—Kelly Lebrock

"I can't even go to the movies; when I'm there I think about the fact that I have to learn my lines when I get home. And if I go to a late movie, I fall asleep. It's a real thrilling life, I tell you...I've spent many times driving home from my auditions crying, because I put everything into it and the person I auditioned for was eating salad and talking on the phone while I was reading for them."

—Sarah G. Buxton

"The intensity of the scenes we’ve been shooting and the amount of emotional work and concentration that is needed to get through the day are so mentally and physically exhausting that I’m sure I will need to be institutionalized when it’s over. I understand now why most actors are alcoholics, drug addicts, or Scientologists."

—Madonna on the making of Evita

"In Europe, an actor is an artist. In Hollywood, if he isn't working, he's a bum."

—Anthony Quinn

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