Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians,
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians,
Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights,
Dingy Castles, Daring Knights!
Horrors that defy description,
Cut-Throat Celts, Awful Egyptians
Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes,
Punishments from ancient times!
Romans, Rotten, Rank and Ruthless!
Cavemen, Savage, Fierce and Toothless!
Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages,
Mean and Miserable Middle Ages!
Gory stories we do that,
And your host, a talking rat!
The past is no longer a mystery,
Welcome to Horrible Histories!
Tall tales, tragic acts
We gave you all the fearsome facts
The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
We showed you all the juicy bits
Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
Stuff they don't teach you at school
The past is no longer a mystery
Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories!
—Expository Theme Tune of the BBC adaptation.
Stone Age brought you speech, farms, the wheel and fire.
Then metal was explored which meant we could make swords to kill, and build empires.
Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? Pharaohs, tombs, lovely shrines?
But some were living graves for hundreds of poor slaves and pig’s eye was our cure for the blind.
Greek civilisation our creation, drama and philosophy.
But Sparta praised lying; celebrated dying and Hippocrates drank wee.
We brought you bloodshed.
Greek excursions to battle the Persians.
Disembowelling our dead.
Together we made the world a little bit grim.
Could be fairly dim.
We Romans brought you roads and public medicine,
Gladiator fighting, feeding men to lions, burning Christians. That kind of thing (you know).
Then came the Middle Ages; Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts,
A time of invasion, feudalism, famine, Black Death, bubos and welts.
1066 saw Harold in a fix as William conquered all.
What was the bettin’ an arrow in his retina would lead to his downfall?
We brought invasion and strife.
We attacked monasteries, said “Give us gold, please”, then we took your life.
Our crusades meant slaughter wherever we’d go.
Was it pretty? No.
Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs next in line
Brought progress in science and art.
Also beheadings, burning, civil war
Greed and colonies, for a start.
We gave you plague and disease.
Travelled, found the Incans, spread smallpox in a blink and brought them to their knees.
Dogs, cats and the French blamed for plague along the way.
Not such happy days.
Victorian technology went hand-in-hand with poverty,
Kids up chimneys and down mines.
Improvements to the world did pick up, despite some violent hiccups;
Two World Wars, millions died.
Our times smelly and gory.
We reigned over you and told you what to do
And that is this story.
Thought we were amazing though you may quibble.
We’re History and we made it horrible.
— Song for the final episode