Comic Books
"Okay, I'll make friends with [Weasel] again just to tell him, but then I'll break up with him again. Not break up like we're going out or anything! I'm all man, I tellya!"
— Deadpool, Cable & Deadpool
Fan Works
Where did you get him he is very hansom!" dark said but only because he was a clone of him HES NOT GAY.
I luv u 2 Link becuz ur a guy and im strate.
Mio: "Hello, boys and girls! We're so glad to see you all! Especially the boys! We like to look at boys! Right, Azusa?"
Azusa: "Whatever."
Mio: "Right! We love boys! 'Cause we're girls! GIRL POWER!"
"Rico, my close but strictly heterosexual war buddy, I've fallen in lust with a hot space pilot with amazing hooters!"
— Dix Hauzer, Starship Hooters 3: Undresser
Film — Live-Action
I'm so straight that when I bought my house, the first thing I did was board up the back door! Know why? Because MY asshole's JUST for shitting!
— "Straight Dave", Bruno
Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a car horn honks, which seems to snap him out of it] Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!
— Jay, Clerks
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing, but...(increasingly homoerotic statement).
— Dave the Lighting Guy, Orgazmo
I'm not gay, but if I was, I would want equal rights
I'm not gay, but if I were, I would marry who I like?
It's not fair - I'm not gay - that the government has a say
In who can love who (not gay)
Or to which god you can pray (I'm n'gay)
I'm not gay, but if I were, I would marry who I like?
It's not fair - I'm not gay - that the government has a say
In who can love who (not gay)
Or to which god you can pray (I'm n'gay)
— Conner4Real, "Equal Rights", Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Literature
The firemen were very upset that there was no fire.
"Catch that gay little monkey!" they cried.
"Hey, relax with the labeling!" thought George as he tried to run away.
"Catch that gay little monkey!" they cried.
"Hey, relax with the labeling!" thought George as he tried to run away.
— Bi-Curious George (A Curious George parody)
"Yes, there's nothing like a good-smelling man," said John dreamily. Suddenly we were all very uncomfortable and there was a lot of throat-clearing and coughing and we all walked a few paces farther apart. (I haven't told you about John yet, have I?) Then John started to make a great and pathetic show of noticing the women as they passed. "Why, that little heifer would give a man some strong sons," John said in a booming and falsely masculine voice. "A man could surely plant some seed there, he could."
Live-Action TV
Hugh Laurie: You do, Kevin, you look absolutely fabulous. If I was homosexual, I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.
Kevin McNally: Thanks. If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
Hugh: As it is, I like birds.
Kevin: Me too.
Kevin McNally: Thanks. If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
Hugh: As it is, I like birds.
Kevin: Me too.
"We live across the hall. No! We don't live 'together'. I mean, we live together, but in separate heterosexual bedrooms."
— Leonard, introducing himself and Sheldon to Penny, The Big Bang Theory
"Oh, now, Stella, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman, with nice, heavy breasts."
— Captain Raymond Holt,note Brooklyn Nine-Nine
"Ice! I like ice! Heterosexuals like ice!"
— Ellen Morgan (played by Ellen DeGeneres), Ellen
Santana: All I know is, you blew me off. To be with Stubbles Mc-cripplepants. Fine. Your loss. Cause now, I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're gonna sing at Regionals.
Brittany: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana: I honestly don't know what I was thinking...could you stop staring at me, I can't remember my locker combo.
Brittany: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana: I honestly don't know what I was thinking...could you stop staring at me, I can't remember my locker combo.
— Glee, "Original Song"
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heterosexual!
— Tom Servo, mocking Watney Smith in Outlaw Of Gor
Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record — if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
— John Watson, Sherlock
[On arriving at a dinner setting that is surprisingly romantic]
President Bartlet: They thought I was going to be eating with Abbey, so...
Leo: I know.
Bartlet: We'll just, y'know, pretend there's no candlelight.
Leo: And that we're not paranoid homophobes in any way.
Bartlet: Yeah.
President Bartlet: They thought I was going to be eating with Abbey, so...
Leo: I know.
Bartlet: We'll just, y'know, pretend there's no candlelight.
Leo: And that we're not paranoid homophobes in any way.
Bartlet: Yeah.
— The West Wing, "The Stackhouse Filibuster"
Well. That's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
— Frasier Crane after Gil Chesterton states he's married to a woman, Frasier
Music
"Now I'm gonna make you dance, get your chance
Yeah, boy, shake that ass...
...Oops! I mean, girl! Girl, girl, girl!
Girl, you know you're my world"
Yeah, boy, shake that ass...
...Oops! I mean, girl! Girl, girl, girl!
Girl, you know you're my world"
— Eminem, "Just Lose It"
I've seen his jawline, shoulders, and muscles
Push against his fashion sense
I've thought about what he looks like nude
I'm not gay, though
Push against his fashion sense
I've thought about what he looks like nude
I'm not gay, though
— Wilbur Soot, "Your New Boyfriend"
On top of guns, I know karate and ninja stuff
So if you come at me, I'll trip you and I'll suck your nuts.
I- I mean I'll punch your nuts...
Sucking them would be gay.
And I'm totally not gay. I like V-A-G-I-N-A
So if you come at me, I'll trip you and I'll suck your nuts.
I- I mean I'll punch your nuts...
Sucking them would be gay.
And I'm totally not gay. I like V-A-G-I-N-A
A pretty girl walks by my locker,
My heart gives a flutter but I don't dare utter,
A word, 'cause that would be absurd,
Behavior for Little Miss Perfect,
Nanananana No I can't risk falling off my throne,
Lalalalala Love is something I don't even know,
Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward,
Straight girl! ...
Little Miss Perfect, thaaat's me.
My heart gives a flutter but I don't dare utter,
A word, 'cause that would be absurd,
Behavior for Little Miss Perfect,
Nanananana No I can't risk falling off my throne,
Lalalalala Love is something I don't even know,
Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward,
Straight girl! ...
Little Miss Perfect, thaaat's me.
— Taylor Liuderman, "Little Miss Perfect"
Theatre
I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, but you can't because she is in Canada.
— Rod, Avenue Q
Evan and Connor: Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond!
Evan: But not because we're gay!
Connor: No, not because we're gay!
Evan and Connor: We're close, but not that way! The only man that I love is my dad.
Evan: But not because we're gay!
Connor: No, not because we're gay!
Evan and Connor: We're close, but not that way! The only man that I love is my dad.
— "Sincerely, Me", Dear Evan Hansen
Web Animation
On the whole, though, it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls.
(beat)
—I mean, as it used to be.
(beat)
I'm not gay!
(beat)
—I mean, as it used to be.
(beat)
I'm not gay!
Web Original
There is something about a guy who proudly proclaims Scarface is his favorite movie that makes me think they secretly have Sleepless in Seattle hiding in their bedroom.
Chris Brown: You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.
— Michael K.
, "The Difficult Brown Got Arrested For Being The Difficult Brown"
, "The Difficult Brown Got Arrested For Being The Difficult Brown"People preparing for this handshake should anticipate a sudden shift from a standard handshake to a hand with palm facing down and pinkie and thumb extended, followed by jet noises and a zooming motion, some clapping, a single snap, and then a hug where both arms are actually held inward toward the chest so only the elbows of both parties touch. It is also appropriate to shout “We’re definitely not gay!”
I found out my mom's a homophobe. . . . . . I'm not gay, mind you.
— Drunk Poet Girl, Drunk Hotline
Web Video
"Our private parts remain very far away
'Cuz we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not—
No we're not saying there's anything wrong with that!
But for that other team we simply do not bat
'Cuz we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not—
No we're not saying there's anything wrong with that!
But for that other team we simply do not bat
Roku: Here I am, practicing fighting with Sozin!
Aang: Wow! You guys were friends?
Roku: Yes. Friends. Totally friends. In conclusion: friends. I liked a girl! See?
(Later)
Sozin: Right now, we have it all right here in the Fire Nation. We have lots of money, success, and privileges, and you now have a hot wife.
Roku: Once again proving that I am straight.
Sozin: Our undeniable heterosexuality aside...
Aang: Wow! You guys were friends?
Roku: Yes. Friends. Totally friends. In conclusion: friends. I liked a girl! See?
(Later)
Sozin: Right now, we have it all right here in the Fire Nation. We have lots of money, success, and privileges, and you now have a hot wife.
Roku: Once again proving that I am straight.
Sozin: Our undeniable heterosexuality aside...
I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT STRAIGHT!
— Marik, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah: Zell, the most annoying dude in the game and—I hate to say this—more than a little gay. He really wants to see your gunblade badly and he'll pester you about it for the entire trip.
"Remember that 'Valley of Virility' thing I once mentioned ? That's where I feel Top Gun lies. It is so straight that it's looped back around to gay."
Lest you think either star is gay, the film [Showdown in Little Tokyo] goes out of its way to dissuade you of such a notion. Earlier in the film, Johnny Murata and Chris Kenner visit a social club in which naked women are decorated with sushi. Murata loses his composure and is extremely horny. Kenner even beds a woman right before the big "hey, I kinda like your big penis" line. This provides cover for both characters and, frankly, both actors from accusations of being gay. A "no homo" turned up to 11.
Action moves from this era often feature this disavowal, this reassurance to the audience that they're not watching anything gay and therefore not participating in anything gay. The disavowal makes no mention or indication that the male stars of the film might simply be bisexual or pansexual. Their activities in which they perform heteronormativity are enough for the film and for the audience to plant them firmly in the "straight" category.
Webcomics
Social Link, Go!
Yosuke: Hey, let's go to your room. But, like, not in a gay way or anything.
Yosuke: Hey, let's go to your room. But, like, not in a gay way or anything.
- Straight married men have gay sex all the time!
- I'm so mad, I'm going to go have sex with my girlfriend so I won't be mad!
"Hi Aunt Wendy! It's so great to see you. This is my heterosexual girlfriend Stheno. We're heterosexually dating and are heterosexually attracted to each other, but we definitely haven't had heterosexual sex because that's something you don't do until heterosexual marriage. Heterosexually."
Western Animation
I did not want to make love with a young boy! I like men my own age...Ahhh! I mean I like women! Oh God, I love titties!
— Mr. Garrison, South Park
"Even though we are venturing into the world of fashion, I assure you all I am not gay."
— William Murderface, Metalocalypse
