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"Vae, Gaudium Fugax!"
"There is a garden in the east, serene and perfect, but a Seraph guards it with a flaming sword. For God has seven thousand names, and one of them is Bastard."
"God is loving, woman! He is sending his love to his true followers, the Nazis, and is giving them the power to destroy all of the evil on this Earth, mianly the Jews, homosexuals, and so on!"
— Jesus Christ, The Last Resurrection
"I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs, a very endearing sight, I'm sure you'll agree. And even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters, who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature's wonders, gentlemen. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
— Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals
"A God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell — mouths mercy, and invented hell — mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!"
— Satan, The Mysterious Stranger
"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do? I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition! It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His SICK FUCKIN' ASS OFF! He's a TIGHT-ASS! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!"
— John Milton (aka Satan), The Devils Advocate
"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you."
— Tyler Durden, Fight Club
Ansel: Do you believe in God, Sergeant?
Steiner: I believe that God is a sadist, but probably doesn't even know it.
"Why do our instincts insist on violence? I have studied the interactions between different species. The innate desire to survive seems to demand the death of the other. Why can they not stand hand in hand? So many believe the world was created by the hand of a divine power - but I see only the designs of a madman, bent on celebrating destruction and desperation. Our origins seem chaotic. Unintended. Purpose and being instilled solely by the passage of time. Imposed first by nature - and later men..."
— Altair's Codex, page 8, Assassin's Creed II
"I think back to the sermons of my childhood, booming affirmations in the church of Praise Jesus, The Lord Is Mighty, and I recall how the preachers used to say that God's eye is on the sparrow, that He sees and marks even the least of His creations. [...] Yet this same God sacrificed John Coffey, who tried only to do good in his blind way, as savagely as any Old Testament prophet ever sacrificed a defenseless lamb... as Abraham would have sacrificed his own son if actually called upon to do so. I think of John saying that Wharton killed the Detterick twins with their love for each other, and that it happens every day, all over the world. If it happens, God lets it happen, and when we say 'I don't understand,' God replies, 'I don't care.'"
— Paul Edgecombe, The Green Mile
"It is sometimes hard in times like these to understand God's way... It is then that we must understand that God's sense of humor is much more complex than ours. God does not simply laugh at the "Man Walks Into A Bar" joke. No, God needs subtle irony and farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can do is hope is that God got his laugh and this kind of tragedy can be avoided in the future."
— Father Maxi, South Park
Chef: Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
"Now I know that God is the scariest monster of all in Halloween."
— Orel, Moral Orel
"Since this partial answer to his prayer, Hannibal Lecter had not been bothered by any considerations of deity, other than to recognize how his own modest predations paled beside those of God, who is in irony matchless, and in wanton malice beyond measure."
— Thomas Harris, Hannibal
"Think someone could spend half their life in a slam with a horse bit in their mouth and not believe? Think he could start out in some liquor store trash bin with an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and not believe? Got it all wrong, holy man. I absolutely believe in God... And I absolutely hate the fucker."
— Richard B. Riddick, Pitch Black
"Goddamn, you think bein' fucked over by the Lord makes you unique? Look at it! Look what He made! All them years filled with sufferin' an' slaughter, just like He knew they would be! 'Cause He wants us to choose Him, to love Him, an' how much more satisfyin' that'd be when the hell of this earth makes that choice so goddamn hard!"
— Jesse Custer, Preacher
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you
Fuck your God, your Lord, your Christ
He did this, took all you had and
Left you this way, still you pray, never stray, never
Taste of the fruit, never thought to question "Why?"
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you...
He did it all for you...
— A Perfect Circle, "Judith"
"O Lord, my judgment is not yet complete. There is one more not amongst the chosen that must be judged... one that has committed the grave sin of genocide... yes, Lord, the one I must now judge... is the one, highest god, my creator... You, YHVH!"
— Satan, Shin Megami Tensei II
"Not even thousand deaths would be fitting punishment for thy sins!
I shall smite thee, and in hell I shall torture thee over and over!
After an aeon, I shall reincarnate thee, and thy lives shall be those of endless torment, thy bodies tortured in life and thy souls in death!
The same shall come to thy children, and thy children's children, throughout all eternity until the end of time!
Feel the wrath of my divine lightning, and plummet into the bowels of hell, burning in its unending flames!"
— YHVH, Shin Megami Tensei II Spoiler
"Oh, I love God! He's so deliciously evil!"
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
Tyrion: The Lord of Light has his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where's the god of tits and wine?
Varys: In the Summer Isles they worship a goddess of fertility with sixteen teats.
Tyrion: We should set sail immediately.
"There is no need... for gods that only take! For gods of death!"
—Asura, Asura's Wrath
Chakravartin: I...am the only God....
Asura: That is why I pray to no one. Nor will I be prayed to!
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
— The riddle of Epicurus, also known as The Problem of Evil or The Epicurean Trilemma
"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all of fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully."
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
"If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse."
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
"The root problem with Christianity is that their God is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit you have to come up with all kinds of whacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative, limbless agony for eighteen years."
"Don't you know there ain't no Devil, that's just God when he's drunk..."
— Tom Waits
"Religion has actually convinced people ... that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ... But He loves you! He loves you! He loves you ... and he needs money!"
"God is a concept by which we measure our pain."
— John Lennon, 1970, in the song God
"Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant."
— Edward Gibbon
"How we laugh up here in heaven at the prayers you offer me
That's why I love mankind
I burn down your cities — how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say 'how blessed are we'
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
"Play a Sim game for a couple of years and you'll really reconsider the concept of a kind and loving god..."
"If there is a God, he is a malign thug."
"My response is that when Creationists talk about God creating every individual species as a separate act, they always instance hummingbirds, or orchids, sunflowers and beautiful things. But I tend to think instead of a parasitic worm that is boring through the eye of a boy sitting on the bank of a river in West Africa, [a worm] that’s going to make him blind. And [I ask them], ‘Are you telling me that the God you believe in, who you also say is an all-merciful God, who cares for each one of us individually, are you saying that God created this worm that can live in no other way than in an innocent child’s eyeball? Because that doesn’t seem to me to coincide with a God who’s full of mercy’."
"I get people asking me all the time about religion. You see, once upon a time I was a steadfastly devoted and faithful servant of the lord. I believed with all my heart and my soul in God and Jesus his son. So they ask me, 'Nathan, what was it that caused you to turn away from God?' And I tell them: I read the Bible with my eyes open. And in doing so, it became clear that the God of the Bible is a bloodthirsty, violent, grudge-holding asshole who cares nothing for his creation and who is utterly unworthy of any worship from us, his favorite chew toys. The real reason I am an atheist is that I would rather not believe in any god than a god who was a psychotic murderer."
— Nathan Douglas De Vries
"... not scorning the three delightful children who are everything to me and who are my only chance of even a glimpse of a second life, let alone an immortal one, and I'll tell you something—if I was told to sacrifice them to prove my devotion to God, if I was told to do what all monotheists are told to do and admire the man who said, 'Yes, I'll gut my kid to show my love of God,' I'd say, 'No, fuck You.'"