Quotes: Former Child Star

Lisa: Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?
Krusty: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

"People who meet me as an adult are often surprised that I'm alive and have never been in prison or rehab. Sometimes they're disappointed I'm not cooler: I'm a normal-looking woman living in a two-bedroom apartment in one of the less cool neighborhoods of New York. I write stuff and tell stories, but I'm not a celebrity and wouldn't want to be one. I'm much more 'reformed drama nerd' than 'former child star,' and I like it that way."

"I tend to think that what fame has done is to replace the sea as the element of choice of adventure for young people. If you were a dashing young man in the 19th century you would probably have wanted to run away to sea, just as in the 20th century you might decide that you want to run away and form a pop band. The difference is that in the 19th century, before running away to sea, you would have had at least some understanding of the element that you were dealing with and would have perhaps, say, learned to swim.

The thing is that there is no manual for how to cope with fame. So you'll get some, otherwise likeable young person, who has done one good comic book, one good film, one good record, suddenly told that they are a genius, who believes it and who runs out laughing and splashing into the billows of celebrity, and whose heroin-sodden corpse is washed up a few weeks later in the shallows of the tabloids."

"Well, it’s good to know that Dustin Diamond Cubic Zirconia is still the biggest yeast infection bump of the Saved by the Bell cast, and that’s saying a lot since Mario Lopez was in that cast...His bail has been set at $1,000, so I’m sure Mr. Belding got a call really early this morning from a drunken mess asking for a loan."
Michael K., "In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, Screech Is Still A Mess"

"Formerly beloved former child star Kirk Cameron is currently a dysfunctional apologist for the ever moronic Ray Comfort. He claims to have been an atheist who later found Jesus (yes, that one again). Since Growing Pains, his most prominent roles have been in the Left Behind movies and Fireproof. So, yes – he is currently a religious fundamentalist touring with Ray Comfort, possibly the most ignorantly inane road show ever, prominently featuring Comfort’s banana argument and the crocoduck argument...The Comfort/Cameron superteam is, I suppose, not taken seriously as anything who could even begin to pose a threat. I suspect their popularity is more due to their breathtaking inanity."

"Lindsay Lohan was on Letterman this week, and the resulting interview was every bit as awkward and horrible as you would imagine. There's Dave asking Lindsay about rehab, while Lindsay sits there dumbfounded, shocked that anyone would ask her about rehab when her whole fucking LIFE is a failed rehab project...Whatever spark of talent Lohan had back in the Mean Girls era has long since been extinguished. She's a delusional drug addict and her face is now more cut-up than a pulled pork sandwich. The freakshow novelty of her career died out a long time ago. So for both "Scary Movie" producers and Letterman to drag her out in public for the umpteenth time, to allow her to continue to believe that she still has cultural relevance, and to subject us to more awkward, deliberately vapid conversations with her is close to being a criminal act. No more. There's nothing there. Move along."
Drew Magary, Make It Stop

David: In this week’s episode, Clark and Lois attended their five-year high school reunion, which gave the producers plenty of opportunity to pad out 44 minutes with flashbacks to earlier episodes...What happened to Pete Ross? Wasn’t he in this show?
Chris: He graduated to the world of celebrity sex tapes.
David: For a second, I thought you were serious.
Chris: I am.
David: …oh, wow, I missed that and instead focused on the part of Sam Jones III’s Wikipedia page where it says he “was taken into custody by Drug Enforcement Administration." I mean, damn. That explains why he hasn’t been in Smallville recently.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Homecoming")

"Kudos to Bieber — a Grammy-nominated singer with an army of fans (over 50 million followers on Twitter) and a net worth of $130 million — for really living up to his reputation as the King Joffrey of Pop."

"Did you ever see the movie Surviving the Game with Ice-T? In the movie, Ice-T plays a homeless man who gets hunted for sport by a bunch of rich assholes who are apparently so jaded by life and how they're so rich and there's nothing new and exciting left for them that they hunt man for fun. I feel like this is Justin Bieber's world now, only instead of killing Ice-T, he just wants to kill tact and good taste...He speeds, he eggs people's houses, he gives the most arrogant and cocky deposition in the history of the legal profession, and apparently he recently got cussed out by someone's dad at Walmart for trashing the place. He trashed a Walmart and got told off by a middle-aged man. He's the villain from a 1980s teen dramedy."