Quotes / Dreadful Musician

"Went uptown to see my cousin
Plays guitar, sounds like a chainsaw buzzin'
In the crowd, I see his mom and dad
I said, 'Hey, hey uncle, man, your son is bad'"
Huey Lewis and the News, "Bad Is Bad"

"Oh, I write love songs for my favorite girl
And sing them soft and low
But before I get to finish
She says she has to go
She's nice and says, 'Excuse me,
I've got to find a bar
I think I need refreshment
'Fore I hear
you play guitar'
Harry Chapin, "Six-String Orchestra"

Get off that piano. You're hurting its feelings!
"Jelly Roll" Morton (legendary jazz musician)

Klink: Col. Hogan, I have decided not to play in your prisoners' orchestra. I may, however, do a solo over the loudspeaker system.
Hogan: Well, if I were you, I'd wait until the general leaves, sir.
Klink: Why?
Hogan: I mean, how would it look, a mass escape while he's here?
Hogan's Heroes, Movies Are Your Best Escape

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Cacofonix: I will now sing a song, if you please...
Fulliautomatix: Oh no, you won't! Oh no, won't! Oh no, you won't!

"Just as they did with Sputnik in 1957, the Russian Nerd Program has pulled ahead of the rest of the world. During the Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony, the Russian Police Choir sang Daft Punk's "Get Lucky." It was incredible, with individual performances ranging from cranky to grumpy to Steve Urkellian."

Sylvester Stallone can’t sing. At all. Part of the story should be this caterpillar to butterfly aspect where Nick can’t sing but by the time he gets on the big stage he should sound awesome. In Rhinestone when Stallone has his big coming out, he honestly sounds ten times worse than when he started. A medal should be given to Dolly Parton for trying to carry Stallone because you can see her straining to try to drown out Stallone’s grunting but with no luck. I can’t stress to you how painful it actually is to hear the pretty singing of Parton contrasted to the caveman Rocky grunts Stallone forces out as if a melody is something he should hit like a heavy bag. I was so thankful the credits started rolling despite Stallone doing an encore number because it meant I could mercifully shut off the movie at that point.
Miles Antwiler on Rhinestone

Garfield: The accordion is the second worst instrument in the history of man!
Squeak: What's the worst instrument?
Garfield: What, you never heard of the bagpipes?
The Garfield Show, Not So Sweet Sound Of Music

"Pardus, I use these eardrums occasionally, please don't make me gouge them out..."
Tigris, Panthera

"Music usually has a comforting effect, but that depends on who's singing. Luckily, Kirby has only enough energy to sing three songs."
— flavor text for the "Mike" copy ability, Kirby: Planet Robobot

Up on the pallet stage behind me John was tearing away the solo that marks the end of "Camel Holocaust", rapping some impromptu lyrics, all over the cacophonous drums of Head "the entire show is one big drum solo in my mind" Feingold, and the band's thunderous triple-threat bass. I've been to a lot of concerts, everything from garage bands to Pearl Jam. Maybe my opinion is biased, but I would have to say that Three-Arm Sally is the shittiest band I've ever heard.

"Little survival tip, bud: Never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
Cat, Red Dwarf