Convenience

• Implausible lubrication or complete lack thereof. For example, neither saliva nor water works very well as lubricant. Butter, as in one fanfic (and Last Tango In Paris), might work better in terms of actual lubrication, but not straight from the fridge and never with a latex condom (latex degrades in oil). Blood, seen in vampire fanfiction, is the exact opposite of a lubricant; it is a coagulant designed to become sticky and congeal outside of the body in order to, you know, prevent bleeding. People without clotting agents in their blood can bleed out for this very reason. Menstrual blood, on the other hand, does not clot and can serve the purpose of lubrication. And Knowing Is Half the Battle!
  • Saliva in large enough amounts can be used as a lubricant, but it is really not ideal. However, considering what some people have used as lubricant in fiction (see below for the details), its unsuitability is rather inconsequential in comparison. It works far better than water, butter, blood and... some sugary substances.

Exaggerations

• Doing it twice (in five minutes) — allows for more footage with one character but a man's body rarely works that way (without chemical assistance/tantric training at least). Though it could be plausible with lesbians. Women can easily have multiple orgasms - as long as their partner knows what they're doing. However, this can be taken to physically impossible extremes in some works of fiction.
• Excessive amounts of semen — The average amount of semen ejaculated ranges about 1.5 - 5 ml (5 ml being about the equivalent of a US teaspoon). Especially ridiculous when combined with the quick reload thing.
• A virgin always bleeds — a very common and very old myth in real life, and thus it's no surprise that it turns up in many works of fiction as well. It's still blatantly false, though — 20-30% of girls and women don't bleed during their first time. Mostly used to show that the girl is a virgin and pure, which is apparently very important even when it's not used as fetish fuel.
• All women are born with hymens, and a virgin always still has her hymen. Rare indeed is the woman in fiction whose hymen breaks without sex, regardless of how many horses she's ridden, how many fights she's been in, or any number of other activities which can break the tissue. Even rarer (in other words, nonexistent) is the woman born without a hymen. Only a penis can break a hymen, according to dramatic requirements.
  • In some cultures, this notion (along with "virgins always bleed" as noted above) is so prevalent that there are surgical procedures available to reconstruct the hymen, thus "restoring" a woman's virginity.
    • Doctors who perform this procedure describe it as trying to sew meringue together, and usually the stitches fall out before the lady's even left the office.
  • This can have tragic results depending on the culture and the individuals involved. There have been reports of young brides being cast out, beaten or even killed because they didn't bleed the first time with their husbands due to nonexistent or very thin hymens. They were declared not to be virgins and were therefore considered tainted.
    • The kicker is, the hymen tearing isn't the only thing that can cause bleeding. Blood can also be a result of vaginal tearing, usually due to lack of lubrication or insertion of someone/something that is larger than the body's used to without proper warm-up.
  • It has also become common practice for some OB/GYNs to break the hymen for medical tests when there is a chance of inherited disease that affects that area. Especially for scrapings or blood tests.
  • By the way, a hymen usually does not completely cover the vaginal opening. It's not a lid, it's a membrane with holes in it. While some women find themselves in possession of a hymen that doesn't naturally have an opening, this is a medical condition known as hymen imperforatus (causing a build-up of menstrual discharge, which is just as unhealthy as it sounds). Also, a small number of other women have a hymen that is too thick to be stretched or torn during intercourse. In these situations, your OB/GYN will generally offer to "deflower" you (if he or she offers to do so using methods other than modern medicine, you're either in a porn movie or should probably call the cops).
• Inversely, a lot of pieces focusing on Their First Time or virginity as a fetish will neglect to mention any difficulties with the breaking of the hymen or bleeding or pain at all, or the woman in question is having so much fun she just gets over it without even taking a breather. Realistically, pain in such a tender spot can be a real show-stopper. A disproportionate amount of fictional writing will conveniently forget that pelvic floor muscles exist at all.
• Female orgasm from penetration alone. While it's certainly possible, approximately three-quarters of all women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach climax; and, well, a clitoris is not a vagina.*
  Unfortunately, this is a mistake some people make in reality as well...
  • Unfortunately, it's gone the other way around in some places so that people believe ALL women enjoy direct clitoral stimulation and it's a magic orgasm button. (For some, it's so sensitive that directly stimulating it simply results in an unpleasant or even painful tickling feeling.)
• The Elusive Orgasm — Since the 1990's, it's become a fairly common sex joke in comedies (film, television, whatever the case may be) that a male partner in sex has extreme difficulty giving his female partner an orgasm. Straight guys out there, don't worry: it's really not that hard. If you ask your partner what she likes and dislikes, pay attention, and practice, it'll become no harder to give a woman an orgasm than to reach one yourself.
• All gay men in fiction enjoy anal sex and do it every time they're intimate. And there's never foreplay. They (maybe) go from lovingly making out to diving straight into the buttsecks, with no other stimulation whatsoever. Given the amount of before- and after-work that goes into anal sex, many male couples in real life only do it occasionally—some don't like it at all—and use oral sex, mutual masturbation, and/or other forms of stimulation most other times. Very few people outside of gay and bisexual men seem to know this.
  • It doesn't help that even queer men are divided on whether sexual acts without anal insertion count as sex or just "fooling around." Even in straight couples, even using a fair amount of lubrication to compensate, just going in with no foreplay is still going to be painful. No matter what your sex, arousal is important and if you neglect this fact your partner is not going to be very happy. They may hit you.
• The idea that males receiving anal sex ALWAYS climax with little to no penis stimulation, partly because their partner ALWAYS hits the prostate. The prostate is at a very awkward angle, and the penetrator needs to be either small enough to hit it straight on (rare), curved enough that he rubs against it (rarer still), or so damn thick that he can't help but hit it (very rare) to even touch the prostate. If a guy is balls-deep in his lover, chances are he is not hitting the prostate.
  • Anatomically, the positioning isn't that awkward as long as you know which angle you need to be aiming for (and where). However, a lot of fiction does seem to make it ridiculously easy to find it without a lot of effort or practice - hardly realistic - and, worse, makes it so that virgin couples with no experience will always hit it.
• The Squirting Female Orgasm. First, women have a harder time than men reaching orgasm, and for some, a squirting orgasm just ain't gonna happen. Second, if a squirting orgasm can take place, there must be prolonged, direct stimulation of her G-spot, something the penis isn't that great at doing, as a woman's G-spot is only about two inches deep in her vagina.*
  It's possible that a lesbian couple, who stimulate each other with fingers and dildos, have an easier time reaching a squirting orgasm than a heterosexual couple, but there's no solid proof to support it.
  Third, only a few women will squirt forcefully if they reach this orgasm; more often than not, it's a trickle, or a tiny spray. And remember, kids: If she squirts, there's going to be one hell of a wet spot to argue over.
• Every woman has a G-spot, and enjoys having it stimulated. In reality it is just like the clitoris in that some enjoy it, some don't.
• Sperm as guided missiles. Typically in fiction, if a couple have unprotected sex, the woman is absolutely guaranteed to become pregnant (unless it's porn, in which case it's impossible unless the author is into that kind of thing). It doesn't work like this in real life, as anyone who knows people trying for a baby can probably guess. This is only if the pregnancy can be used for drama, though. Otherwise, you can and probably will have a million James Bond-type characters who go around having rampant sex with the Girl of the Week and never have to face a consequence.
  • Typically, in any kind of sex-ed course in high school, there will always be that one video where a girl and her boyfriend have sex for the first time, and they either forget about or just simply don't worry about protection and she ends up falling pregnant - after which there will be approximately half an hour where the girl bemoans the fact that they didn't use protection, worries about abortion, and has ongoing disagreements with her boyfriend and parents over what she should do with the foetus. Yes, that, kids, is a scare tactic. Getting pregnant is not that easy (UNLESS you have the appropriate amount of luck, be it good luck or bad), sex really needs to be timed with the correct ovulation period and the odds of ovum fertilisation aren't that high. Of course, contraception is necessary but Sex-Ed still Fails Sex-Ed.
• No sense of taste — Literally. A typical porn actress/smut fellator seems capable of giving a blowjob regardless of where the penis has been a moment ago.

Plain impossible

• Weird anatomy — occasionally seen in hentai, and really common in fanfics written by virgins. Virgins who think their hymens are located inside the vagina or, worse, that the penis enters the cervix during sex! The latter is particularly bad: many women find that a penis hitting the cervix during sex is so painful that men who do this are liable to get kicked out of bed. A small minority of women do find this pleasurable. The applicable phrase there is "small minority".
  • Of course, there's an ectocervix and endocervix, but most people don't even know or bother to differentiate.
  • There are pieces of amateur erotica where the character being penetrated is being boned by a Dickus so Biggus they think they can feel it up in their throat. This is not possible, if you don't mind the understatement. Also related are bellies bulged by a massive penis during vaginal sex, even to the point inflating them with massive amounts of sperm. And don't even mention said sperm squirting out of their breasts and bellybutton, and even the mouth if it's anal.
    • This brings up a common terminology mixup: Semen is the milky fluid that is ejaculated during a male orgasm. Sperm are tadpole-shaped reproductive cells contained within. Men with vasectomies can still ejaculate semen without sperm. Sometimes the natural lubricant that comes out in small droplets long before semen ("precum") can contain sperm*
      This is why pulling out during vaginal sex doesn't work well to prevent pregnancy
      . If semen in any of these examples are replaced with pure sperm, that's a Critical Research Failure. Translation issues complicate it further.*
      For example, the French "sperme" actually means semen.
• Mistaking "clitoris" for a synonym for "vagina." The clitoris is a little nub of flesh which sticks out. It is not something you insert things into, unless you're a hyena.
  • A seemingly related one is the idea that girls/women have "only two holes", i.e. they pee out of their vaginas. This one's very common in real life and goes uncorrected so often it's incredible. You can find adult women who think this. For those who want to do the research but aren't sure where to start, The Other Wiki is happy to help here.
  • Also related: referring to the vulva, or even the entirety of the female reproductive system, as the vagina. The vagina is strictly internal. If a woman going commando trips and her skirt flies up and you see her vagina, you are using an endoscope.
    • Although this really only applies to medical terminology. "Vagina" is a long-used and accepted synecdoche for the female genitalia.
• Semen flowing freely into the womb — nigh-universal in hentai, and fairly common in fanfics and erotic literature, even though this is impossible under normal circumstances. The cervix is basically blocked with a mucus plug that lets only a small fraction of the sperm cells through.
• Men having hymens in their asses. This is made worse by the fact that females actually have anuses themselves and should know how they work! Anyone who is bleeding after anal sex - male or female - should go see a doctor.
  • Rectal tissue does tear, so this trope is quite realistic, and yes, you should get medical help.
• Bizarre comparisons — Although it's possible for vaginal fluid to taste like strawberries if the woman is using flavored lube or something along those lines, it doesn't naturally taste like this, and writers with no first-hand experience in the matter should refrain from guessing. This most likely is done for either romantic or erotic reasons.
• Sugary Substances As Lube - it seems no one who writes or makes porn knows that putting sugar on/near/around a vagina can give the woman a nasty yeast infection (fear not, there are substitutes, in appearance and taste). To make it worse, when sugary substances dry, they tend to leave a sticky and very rough mess that will make things hurt...
  • Apparently, it happens often enough that it's filtered down into high school sex ed. Among other interesting things, at least one high school video specifically mentions not to use whipped cream or melted ice cream as lubricants.
• The Happy Easy Birth-Giving Orgasm — Some hentai artists have drawn pregnant women skipping water-breaking and labor with just one good orgasm. "Forget all those painful and tedious hours of labor, ladies, just bust a good nut!" Anyone who has given birth will likely have some very specific opinions on this.
  • ... actually, this ''does'' happen. But it is very, very rare and quite possibly under-reported.
• Implausible positions — especially in hentai bondage scenes. Many of these would dislocate some joints if performed in real life.
• Anything that involves applying an alcoholic beverage to the penis as a lubricant might seem like a nice idea at first, giving a nicer taste to the penis, but will hurt like hell in reality, especially if the alcohol-percentage in the drink is high (like in, say, whiskey). Alcohol doesn't lubricate. It is generally used as a dehydrator and degreasing cleaning agent. It will cause major irritation of the mucous membranes, likely cause major chafing in the penetrating participant, and h.u.r.t. the receiver's orifice if penetration happens.
  • It would also disrupt the normal environment of the vagina, which requires a fairly precise balance between the various microorganisms within it to remain healthy; even taking weak antibiotics orally can disrupt it, so it's no shock that introducing ethanol into the vagina is a really, really bad idea. Between the change in pH, the dehydrating factor and the fact that alcohol kills many microbes, it's a recipe for a yeast infection, urinal tract infections, you name it.
  • There's also the issue where alcohol can be absorbed directly through the thin membranes of the genitals and rectum. It's entirely possible to get drunk like this. And the alcohol hits the bloodstream almost as fast as injecting it directly, so taking it this way would have you wasted very quickly.
• Nipple intercourse. Where the penis enters the lactating hole, which somehow enlarged without any bleeding. It really doesn't take a genius to see what's wrong with this picture.
• Male pregnancy. Even before the whole labor question, the male is going to have some serious, incredibly dangerous health issues. The male anatomy simply is not built to handle carrying a fetus (for example, his hipbone runs the risk of shattering during the third trimester).
  • That said, this is often used in fantasy or science-fiction where concessions are made for male pregnancy to happen which take these things into account. Usually. If this shows up in fiction that does not fit one of those genres you are in for a very interesting story.
• "Go fuck yourself!" often euphemised as being told to go do something anatomically impossible.
  • But it has been done.

• There are many hentai and doujin that depict a woman being impaled with such vigor and with such an endowment that the penis can be seen bulging out of her stomach. This story depicts it more realistically; the penis, just by being there, causes massive internal damage and kills the woman. Ouch.
• In some tentacle hentais, the tentacle penis sometimes goes through the vagina and out of the mouth but for some reason the girl survives.
  • Some go right through the anus and intestines, totally ignoring what comes in the way (digestion and... you know), and coming out of the mouth as if it went through nothing, also ignoring all the internal pain and potential internal damages caused on the victim?
    • It makes things worse when you consider how long the intestines are... and the small intestines are very small in diameter.
    • Also, note the lack of anything bursting out the far end of the body with the inserted object. Despite passing through the anal passage, large intestines, small intestines and the stomach. Those things ain't empty most of the time.
  • There exists an issue of Monzetsu that doesn't ignore that last bullet point, while ignoring all the others—it's exactly as disgusting as it sounds. Of course, Monzetsu ignores anatomy several times an issue.
• Gender Equals Breed... with tentacles or animals... And don't get me started on the birthing process.
• Futari Ecchi has its share of Acceptable Breaks from Reality, but it does a Take That in chapter 156 against porn films for being unrealistic. Specific points that it addresses include:
  1. Having actors/actresses play characters that are substantially different from them in age and experience level.
  2. Making female masturbation look more common than it really is.
  3. Having characters who are supposed to be shy and fearful virgins suddenly start behaving like aggressive experts.
  4. Women starting to moan earlier on during intimacy than they really would.
  5. The partners having limited body contact during sex (so that the woman's body can be filmed better).
  6. Women in porn movies enjoying having semen sprayed in their face much more than most real women would.

• There exists a Futurama fanfic, which shall remain nameless, whose author believes that Rohypnol is a "sex drug" in the sense that it makes the drinker uncontrollably aroused, as opposed to knocking them out for easier raping. Obviously, its use leads to Rape Is Love. One wonders why the author didn't just have them use Torgo's Executive Powder for this.
• Horrifically bad types of lubricant get used in slash fics. One instance that stands out involves melted sugar. Did the writer realize what temperature sugar melts at? Even if, by some miracle, they both weathered out the insane heat, it seems like the fact that it's going to feel essentially the same as sandpaper in a few minutes would put them off the idea. (Really, just watch a show on the Food Network about working with melted sugar. The people there will just go on about how it's basically like touching heated glass.)
  • In other fics, peanut butter has been used. It isn't even slippery in most cases!
  • A Lord of the Rings slash fic involved honey. Honey. Honey isn't slippery, it's sticky. Another fic did this one worse, specifying that it was cold honey, overlooking the fact that that would make it extremely thick and viscous.
    • Similarly, one fanfic used chocolate syrup.
  • There are so many examples of this that some people have started playing Lube/Not Lube.
  • And there's a LiveJournal community for collecting crazy examples.
  • Two separate entries on FanFicRants, months if not a couple of years apart, complained of fics featuring the use of glue as lubricant. Hopefully, they were talking about the same fic. One comm member's response was "OW MY PENIS ... I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND YET OW MY PENIS".
  • A Tenipuri fanfic had vodka used as lube. Even if it were slippery... the burn oh god the BURN.
  • And engine oil, as seen in one piece of otherwise quite good original erotic fiction, probably isn't a good idea either.
  • Speaking of which, there were rumors on the Godawful Fanfiction Board of a fic which used molten iron.
    • That seems closer to horror than erotica.
    • Iron melts at 2800 degrees Fahrenheit. Then again, it's difficult for a penis to cause pain if the penis (or indeed, most of the lower pelvis) no longer exists...
  • One otherwise unremarkable fic may have been intentionally making fun of the bad lube choices common in fanfic; two characters were having sex in a hospital bed, and grabbed what they thought was surgical gel to use as lube. Once they were done, they actually looked at the label: "What's Dermabond- OH CRAP!"
  • This is common enough in fanfic for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to have it as a charge.
  • In some Mass Effect porn fanfics, medi-gel is used as a lubricant. Mind you, medi-gel is meant to seal up open wounds, hardens upon application and requires ultrasound to remove. Sadly, no one's done a fanfic yet where they have to approach Mordin or Dr. Chakwas about dealing the results of such experimentation...
• A Fullmetal Alchemist slash fic wherein one character's orgasm was described as "barely taking the edge off". Ladies, just because we don't come with much of a cool-down period ourselves...
• A Kingdom Hearts Akuroku slash fic where an empty beer bottle was used as a dildo. A beer bottle. With little to no lubricant involved. (It's led to a variety of mocking icons, such as this one.)
  • Just in case anyone is thinking of doing this in real life, using any kind of unsealed empty container like a bottle as a dildo can create a vacuum pump effect that can cause a vaginal prolapse when it's withdrawn - essentially turning her vagina inside out and leaving it dangling outside - needless to say this is a medical emergency and requires immediate hospitalisation.
  • And while on the topic of Kingdom Hearts badfic, fans won't soon forget "LOL have a potion?"
• An InuYasha fic mentioned on Weepingcock claimed that a character orgasmed five hundred and sixty-two times in three days. Someone worked out that that adds up to once every eight minutes, with no breaks to sleep. Even assuming that demons could possibly have more, er, physical stamina than humans and are physically capable of doing so, one assumes it would get boring after about the tenth time.
• Older Than Print: The erotic poetry of the troubadour Duke William IX of Aquitaine (grandfather of Elanor of Aquitaine). In one, a man pretends to be mute so that two women will have their way with him thinking he will be unable to tell anyone. His exploits involve a completely ridiculous number of encounters (188) with these women while they are all locked in an oven... but it is spread out over 41 days, meaning four or five times in a day. Much better than once every eight minutes, but still excessive when you keep doing it for that long.
• There is a Star Wars Expanded Universe Luke/Mara fic called A tangled web that memorably lampshades this where Mara actually thinks during her first time "She had done every athletic endeavour offered by Imperial Intelligence, trained in every form of hand-to-hand combat, rode every four-legged beast in the galaxy that a saddle could be thrown over and her damn hymen had still been intact. It wasn't fair".
• An unnamed story referenced on FanficRants had one memorable problem.
  "Nonononono, vaginal secretions do not come out of the clitoris!"
• This delightful fanfic features the penis ENTERING THE CLITORIS. There are no words.
• "Heather then stretched her cheeks apart and stuffed Lindsay's vagina in the anus, and let Lindsay's cum shoot into Heather." The author of this, and several other Total Drama Island fan fictions seems to be a 12-year old boy who's never even so much as glanced at a porno magazine in his life, because another of his works seems to imply that he believes girls have balls. (They sometimes can, but it seems unlikely that was what he meant.)
  • The author in question may be making them this bad on purpose, not so much from a twisted desire to be a real life John Norman urban legend as in a even more twisted show of appreciation of the infamous fanfic Artemis' Lover. (The link is to the MST of it, so the reader so brave as to read this does not suffer alone!)
• There's a DragonForce Sam/Herman fanfic that fails on so very many levels. To summarize:
  • You can't get pregnant from oral sex. Especially not if you're a man. Not even if you have a "womb implant".
  • If you did get pregnant, you would not have morning sickness a few hours after the act.
  • If you pass out from hypoxia after fellating someone too hard, you're probably doing it wrong.
• My Immortal: "We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)" Yes. Yes it is.
• Star Trek: The Original Series Slash Fic fans: Kirk/Spock Pon Farr fics without lube are not hot. Actually, most if not all anal sex scenes without mentioning lube are wince worthy, but Pon Farr fics in a cave somewhere are especially squicky and wince-worthy.
  • Some of these fics hand wave the issue by saying that Vulcan penises are self lubricating during pon farr (or occasionally all the time).
• One thing both Slash Fic and many, many Furry Fandom smut works have in common is the complete absence of proper lube during anal sex, even when the receiving individual has never had sex in said fashion before. At least Furries tend to Hand Wave it with the "pitcher's" body producing a natural lube, or just out-and-out magic. Expect someone to think that "it'll never fit" and being surprised when It does.
  • The..."exit vector" in M Preg fics. This semi-parody of such fics (Harry Potter fandom) actually addresses it. The answer is both the back and the front; Harry's having twins. And even with a magical juice to make him stretch, it hurts like crazy. There was also an entry(may be NSFW) on the Character Blog of "Dr. Holiday Wednesday". Said doctor, a, ahem, natural dickgirl slips into the bathroom and gives herself an enema.
  Don't look so repulsed... you should be disgusted if I hadn't. I don't know which fantasy world porn stars live in, where one can instantly transubstantiate the contents of one's rectum into Astroglide the moment anal intercourse is proposed (Narnia, maybe?), but it's an awfully convenient place, isn't it? Here in the real world, we're stuck with basic hygiene.
• Also on Fanficrants, there was an entry complaining about a fic which featured the use of a hot wax enema. One commenter said "Anyone who cannot see why this is a bad idea deserves to be made to test it".
• Chocobo Nights. Everything in it.
• The author of Passion Night was told by a reviewer that she needed to include lube. She did, but thought it was an activity, resulting in a worrying sentence about Sirius and Remus "having lube".
• "So when they dyked out they rubbed their cunts together so hard their eggs touched and made embrio, and Kate got pregnint with baby girl!" As an added bonus, this author seems to believe that human beings are parthenogenetic. Although, to his credit, he got one thing right: "It wud have to be a gurl cause renee and kate both have only x and not y kromosimes."
• There's a Sailor Moon fanfic where Minako gets impaled on a giant penis that goes up her butt, through her intestines, and finally emerges through her mouth.
• There's a Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds yaoi fanfic where Jack shoves a half melted popsicle up Yusei's ass and uses it as lube.
• Various fans' explanations for the Mr. Seahorse phenomenon:
  "In a temporary uterus, which develops after the sperm enters the male's body and is re-absorbed into the body after birth. Suethor insisted that this is normal and happens in the real world in one out of three cases."
• Oh. Ouch. Clearly the author in question has never even seen a penis...
  So you feel the need to mention that Ron has a 21 inch penis. Um. No. No, he doesn't. Ow. [...] And then, the last sentence I read before I hit the back button is this: "...and Draco was at least twice as big as Ron."
  That's bigger than some children. IT COULD GET ON DISNEYLAND ATTRACTIONS BY ITSELF.
• "A woman with tits the size of basketballs!" (Illustrated.) Gravity is strange in World of Warcraft.
  • A woman measuring 800-two-400? Inches? Gives a new meaning to the phrase "hourglass figure". For anyone wondering exactly what those numbers mean (in terms of size) that would be 66 2/3 feet-2 inches-33 1/3 feet. For those of us using metrics: 2032 cm-5.08 cm-1016 cm. As for diameter, that's roughly 21 feet-0.6 inches-10 feet, or 647 cm-1.6 cm-323 cm. To put it more simply, her redwood tree sized breasts are being supported by a waist the size of a marker pen and her hips are the size of a large tree.
    • Something along the same lines: this person seems to have never seen a woman (or at least a Night Elf woman) before.
  • Highlighted this response response to an unknown fanfic:
  Dear Writer,
  Pregnancy tests don't work if the female character sticks them in a cup of her own semen.
• Tator Tot Writes Erotica: "And then she spermed."
• Humorous Teen Titans Beastboy/Raven "Why Superheroes Shouldn't Drink" (with a sequel, "Wrath Of A Pissed Off Blond") lampshades the ridiculous penis size when first, BB's penis measures at two feet. Later, him and Raven make love. Later still,, they are both amazed at him fitting - before shrugging it off as magic.
• A Star Trek: Voyager fic features Janeway getting pregnant with Seven of Nine's child. Okay, this is fanfic, nothing weird about that. They determine that it was caused by their molecular patterns being temporarily merged in the transporter. Okay, this is Voyager, stupider things have happened. The Doctor declares that the transporter accident left one of Seven of Nine's ova in Janeway's uterus, and that it merged with one of Janeway's ova, producing an embryo. Seriously? This is Voyager. Babble something about quantum or Borg nanites and then drop the issue.
  • That's actually a possible medical procedure that has been successfully performed on rats, But it wouldn't work on humans without also jiggering the epigenetics of one set of chromosomes to make it look like it came from a male. There are a whole bunch of genetic disorders that occur in humans if they get both copies of a chromosome from the mother or the father. All of them being epigenetically tagged as female-sourced would be bad. (Given that this is a setting where species from entirely separate lines of evolution have no trouble reproducing, this seems a small issue, but this is trope is this trope.)
  • The real problem is that it's overdoing the explanation. Just say it happened in the transporter accident, or that Borg nanites assimilated Janeway's ova. Both fit the setting enough to get a pass.
• Lampshaded in "This Means War". Hermione is looking through a book for witches about sex advice. At one point, she remarks a certain position is quite anatomically impossible. A friend of her states there is a handy spell to temporarily remove a thighbone.
• One fic claims that wet dreams are caused by having "too much sperm" and menstruation by "too much blood". Also, the author seemed to be under the impression that if a guy got aroused the only option to fix it was to go have sex ASAP. Why someone apparently unaware that masturbation exists was writing about sex in the first place is mildly confusing.
• Doctor Who fandom has an alarming number of fans who fantasise and/or write about inserting the Sonic Screwdriver into one orifice or another. Which, if you've had any real experience of penetration, you'd probably find too uncomfortable to contemplate. There's a reason why very very few sex toys, even the kinky ones, have hard edges.
• A Digimon fanfic has the main character engaging in anal sex with a woman. Apparently he hits her prostate.
• One Tekken fanfic seems to imply that either Lee Chaolan has a transparent penis, or it bulges visibly while ejaculating, as Julia is able to somehow see his semen rush underneath the skin.
• A Bakugan fanfic has Shun coughing up sperm because he didn't close his mouth during anal.

• Selene and Michael's infamously awkward sex scene in Underworld: Evolution. The way their bodies are positioned, Michael is basically making love to Selene's stomach, though they were sensible enough to photoshop out his penis. This scene is particularly awkward when you realize that Kate Beckinsale is married to the director, who obviously would have been watching the whole time.
• Similarly, the sex scenes in The Room seem to have some very...interesting positions. Lisa must enjoy having a penis in her belly button or against her knee.
• The second sex scene in Cabin Fever looks kosher enough from its behind-the-cowgirl's-back perspective. But after all the fireworks have gone off, the woman collapses onto the man and he embraces her. If you look at the position of his arms relative to her waist, you realize that she must've spent that whole session pounding on his belly, not his babymaker.
• During Jack and Ennis' first sexual encounter in Brokeback Mountain, Ennis simply applies a little saliva to his penis and starts plowing away... While saliva can be an effective anal lubricant, you'd need a lot of it, not just a little, and (as always with anal sex) be somewhat more careful — rough cowboy or not.
  • Lampshaded by Joe Rogan on his CD Shiny Happy Jihad.
  “There’s a scene where the guy spits on his dick and starts fucking the guy right in the ass. One stroke! Which is both rude and highly unrealistic. What kind of a message are we sending to the children? If a guy can stick his dick in his ass that quickly, you need to get down from that mountain and go seek a doctor immediately. Your insides are going to fall out of your butt hole sir.”
  • Only if you insist on believing that was anal sex instead of, well, "dry humping". According to the short story the film was based off it was indeed anal sex.
• A lot of movies have the characters thinking that interrupted intercourse (the guy pulling out before ejaculating) is a good, safe way to prevent pregnancy...it is not (though it's not as ineffectual as many of us have been lead to believe). This goes along with the misconception that condoms fail all the time - when used properly they are, in fact, one of the best ways to prevent both pregnancies and STDs.
  • In addition, coitus interruptus, condoms, the pill and very occasionally the diaphragm are treated as the only contraceptives available, even in actual Sex Ed scenes. The Depo-Provera shot and contraceptive implants are rarely mentioned. This may be because writers don't have any reason to keep up with current trends in contraception, or because a set-and-forget, 99.9% effective contraception rules out a lot of potential plotlines.
  • A lot of people seem to forget that it isn't really that easy for guys to pull out at climax for...well, obvious reasons.
• No two people have ever had sex as seen in the Showgirls pool scene. You'd drown, or the man would suffer serious injury. Not to mention that she seems to be grinding against his belly button.
• In Pleasantville the character Betty, who has literally zero sexual experience, manages to give herself an orgasm in under two minutes. Quite unlikely to say the least. The Moral Guardians would probably have vetoed a longer scene.
  • It's unlikely, but not impossible. But then again, women generally don't set trees on fire with their orgasms.
• Deep Throat: The main character has her clitoris in her throat. Handy if you're starring in a movie about giving oral sex a lot.

• Lampshaded in Terry Pratchett's Pyramids. While watching obscene tattoos on a large sailor's arms, Ptraci recognizes the scenes depicted and comments that one of them is "anatomically impossible".
  • Later, his entire tattooed back is used by the Mistress of the Women as a lesson guide in erotic history for the Pharaoh's harem.
  • There's a similar gag (though not sexual in any way) on Babylon 5, involving the telepath Alfred Bester and the line "Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi... but you're welcome to try... any time, any where."
• Necroscope uses this trope seriously and beautifully. The shapeshifting vampires of the series often have sex that involves transforming themselves into massive, heaving conglomerations of Body Horror. They sometimes eat their victims in this fashion, but not with their mouths.
• The "virgins have an unbroken hymen" idea is explored in A Song of Ice and Fire. It seems to be commonly believed. But Cersei notes that Margaery, being very fond of horse-riding, most likely broke her hymen for perfectly innocent reasons - not that it stops her from framing Margaery as an adulteress with this as evidence (she's married to a seven-year old).
• The part about the broken hymen is averted in Spine of The World — a girl who slept with a man other than her fiancee doesn't think it will raise any suspicion with all the physical activities of village girls. Pregnancy, on the other hand...
• In universe example: In The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan, a middle school age Ruth believes that she will be pregnant by her neighbor because she sat on the toilet after he left pee on the seat. Her friend told her that men pee inside you when you have sex.
• The Marquis de Sade's Philosophy in the Bedroom on multiple levels.
  • First, the men never seem to need refractory periods, unless that's what the long anti-religion and anti-law speeches are for (though they probably aren't, the book being what it is).
  • Next, the experienced characters reassure the young virgin they're "educating" that anal sex is less painful than vaginal sex. No one ever uses any lubricant, even though anal sex is the characters' favorite activity.
  • The gay libertine, to whom the male readers are supposed to aspire, has an extremely biologically unsound and male-chauvinistic interpretation of pregnancy (compare Apollo's diatribe in Eumenides), with which the female characters agree.
  • The female libertine's boy toy literally has a 14-inch penis, which the gay libertine considers a marker of desirability.
  • Finally, some of the positions described seem difficult to accomplish, perhaps even impossible.
    • Perhaps it should be reminded at this point that the book is a satire, and that the good Marquis was probably heartily chuckling thinking anyone unfortunate enough to try and follow its advice to the letter.
• To follow, there are many many things wrong with the Marquis De Sade's 120 Days Of Sodom... and unfortunately not all of them fall under this trope. The sheer volume of rape, torture and murder really doesn't have anything much to do with it.
  • The word "sadism" is from this guy's name. ("Masochism" is also derived from an author's name).
• The soap-as-lube rape in the Anita Blake series.
  • The vampire whose penis is literally the size of a 2-liter soda pop bottle (and he's considered merely well-endowed, not a freak of nature).
  • Anita, who is supposedly so tiny and petite, lecturing her freakishly-endowed boyfriend about how her, um, netherbits are capacious enough that his size doesn't bother her. Yeah, maybe if she's had her intestines removed.
  • Jean-Claude at one point mentions that "I can enter every orifice of [Anita's] body with every part of me." It is never addressed whether this includes noses and ears. (Or eyes...)
• The Merry Gentry series has a character becoming pregnant through oral sex.
  • Also, apparently lesbian sex can result in a pregnancy. Who knew?
  • These are perhaps justified by the presence of weird metaphysics interrupting the vast majority of sex scenes in the books.
  • There's also the magical pregnancy that has twins who each have three different fathers. The only explanation that really makes sense with anything involve sex in the series is that A Wizard Did It.
• In Geoff Ryman's Air, the protagonist becomes pregnant by swallowing semen and menstrual blood in the same night, then carries the baby to term. In her stomach.
• Sir Arthur C. Clarke's novel Imperial Earth includes a moment where the male protagonist first tries honey and decides it tastes just like his old girlfriend's vulva. Unless she was diabetic, this seems unlikely...
• An amusing in-universe example occurs in Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, where Maggie avoids sex with her priest husband by telling him she's "unclean" (i.e. menstruating). He's so clueless about female biology he never questions the claim that she's been in this state for several years.
• Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted has a doozy. Tacked on at the end of the short story "Gut" is the narrator's claim that after his horrific masturbation-induced accident in a swimming pool, to cap off the pain and shame that already seemed like it could get no worse, his little sister became pregnant. Smart Bitch Candy lists the reasons why this is silly, concluding with, "Unless the sister liked to swim nude while douching herself with spermed-up swimming pool water, I find it difficult to believe that what few swimmers remained were hardy enough to penetrate her swimming suit and make it all the way to her uterus." Then again, the character doesn't necessarily know that, and it was never confirmed that the baby was his as she had it aborted and the family never mentioned it again.

• The final episode of the second season of The IT Crowd featured Douglas accidentally drinking a "love potion", intended for Jen, which actually turned out to be Rohypnol. Douglas became extremely aroused and chased Moss and Roy around his office.
  • Lampshaded in the third season, when a voice-over recapping the events in question pointed out that Rohypnol "would really only make you sleepy."

• The Atari 2600 game Beat 'Em and Eat Em featured an example so blatant it had to be parody: The game is about a guy masturbating and two player-controlled women trying to catch what was supposed to be his semen in their mouths. From the game's manual: "...if you miss, shame on you. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." Yeah...

• Parodied in this Questionable Content strip.
  • Also in this one.
• Softcore porn fails at Sex Ed, according to Rayne Summers.
• Kit 'n Kay Boodle; Most of it can probably be put down to artistic license, but in the horrifying climax of the first storyline Kit orgasms hard enough to propel Kay several feet into the air, mysteriously not rupturing any of her insides. Ow.
• Zii, in Ménage à 3 disabuses Gary of some of his misconceptions about female sexuality. Her take on the facial is a Crowning Moment of Funny.

• Believe it or not, there's one place on the Intarwebz where this trope gets averted, and pretty damn HARD, too: Beautiful Agony. According to some interviews with the site's founders, the whole point of them creating the site was to avert this trope. The site contains videos of real people orgasming, mostly via masturbation. The uploaders also film themselves only from the neck up, and many of them still have their clothes on.
• Cracked has the article "9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences)" discuss this.
  • One of their favorite topics apparently. See also: "7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital".
  • It seems that not even the Kama Sutra could get it right. "7 Kama Sutra Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital".
• A significant proportion of Weepingcock posts are about this trope. The other posts are about interesting typos in sex scenes, highly unusual fetishes(we're talking fetishizing the thought of drinking-ale-that-has-been-used-for-an-enema levels of unusual), seriously cracked exclamations ("Oh JEBEFEEFESUS!"), unintentionally strange descriptions (comparing a woman's vagina to "goo running out of a large sewer pipe" will not endear you to your female readers), and bizarre combinations of all five.
• On The Nifty Archive (a HUGE archive of gay-themed erotic fiction), there is one story called "Seduction Folly" about two gay men having sex for the first time—only to discover that semen is an acquired taste and how painful anal sex can be. The parody is driven home by contrasting a stereotypical first-time porn story and what's really going on. The author got emails from real life gay men saying how true the story rang.
  • The parody was effective because most stories on Nifty play this trope as straight as an arrow, due the writers often typing one-handed.
• "Butt Confidential" sex ed for Slash writers.

• Possibly averted with one bizarre act: ever been told to go Screw Yourself? If you're a very flexible male contortionist, you might be able to auto-fellate. So far, however, no female equivalent has ever been confirmed to be possible.
  • From personal experience, you don't have to be a "very flexible male contortionist" - just young and/or slightly bendy and/or larger than average. Also, it's possible for a man to fuck himself (very much NSFW, have Brain Bleach at the ready if you're not a gay man (and if you are, you're welcome!).
    • Whoopi Goldberg has said she could self pleasure herself orally in an interview on The Graham Norton show. Lends a whole new meaning to "making whoopee".
• Given the nature of the internet, there are a few sites out there which specialize in trying to present a number anatomical impossibilities to the viewer as 'real' in spite of the obvious nature of the staging. A considerable number of these appear to revolve around hermaphrodite/futanari content.