“You haven’t met yet. Veltari is my right hand, my sword in the shadows, a very skilled and powerful operator. And Veltari you have not yet met Stellarosa who, I guess that would make her my left hand. PR extraordinaire, voice of the masses, master at hearts and minds.”
— Count Danto Season 3 Part 34 Obvious Cloaca
Whether they're Player Characters or Non-Player Characters Austin Yorski's podcast of high comedy, high drama, and low taste has featured many charming and intelligent schemers.
All spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned!
- "Lorelei": Jem is a Half-Orc who believes that "sometimes you have to do bad to do good". Disgusted with how the upper class of Mykonos have abandoned the lower class and the Orc army her father serves in to die in the rising waters, Jem starts murdering the rich and powerful. Using her werewyvern powers to keep herself under suspicion, Jem successfully evades capture for months. Upon meeting the crew of the Violet One, Jem falls in love with Lavinia and through her quick thinking and use of her powers, helps everyone escape from the rioting townsfolk and steal a powerful scroll. Upon learning that the Orcs were killed by the Blackhearts, Jem travels to the mountains they were stationed at, recruiting the female relatives of the dead Orcs, and traps the Blackhearts in a cave. When Drop admits to causing the massacre of the Orcs, Jem challenges him to single combat, utilizing several clever strategies to battle the powerful monk. Upon losing, Jem accepts defeat and forgives them after Lavinia removes her lycanthropy.
- "Ilium":
- Veltari began life as a street urchin but through her own skill became the personal assassin for Count Danto, killing the leaders of the Order of the Merciful Sword to expand his power. Arriving in Ilium, Veltari joins the Avant Guards. Befriending the troll Wulf, Veltari uses him to gain information and molds him into an ally that idolizes her while also boosting his self confidence. Forming a relationship with Carrie, the two plan to use a gem to cast Planar Binding on Warden Light to force him to destroy the Barrier around Ilium. Veltari helps form a plan to kill the powerful Lady Nim while using her death as a distraction to steal the gem from Penny. Eventually coming to regret her actions, Veltari admits her guilt to Wulf and Penny, with her sincerity causing them to forgive her. Veltari then leaves with Rolen to stop Danto, pretending to still work for him in order to lead him into an ambush and kill him. When Theodora attacks Ilium, Veltari uses Planar Binding to force her and the evil God Ghaunadaur to kill each other, ending the threat to the town.
- Stellarosa "Stella" Magnificent Legrand is a magical prodigy whose brilliance made her a celebrity known as "the Rose". Recruited by the vampire Count Danto to help him conquer Akamoros, Stellarosa uses her influence to convince the populace to accept Danto's tyrannical rule. In exchange for her help, Stellarosa receives an impossibly complex puzzle box created by the God of Knowledge. When Veltari and Rolen lure Danto into a trap and defeat him in combat, Stellarosa murders Danto, revealing that she was always planning to kill him. After traveling to Illium, Stellarosa reveals she planned to use the puzzle box to remove her sister Zoey's wild magic which she accidentally gave to her as a child. When Illium is invaded, Stellarosa uses her magical might to help save the town before returning to Akamoros to help it recover.
- "Valentine":
- Aeron is the brilliant founder of Aeron Aeronautics who's obsessed with tapping into the power of the World of Forms. When Team Loser accidentally hit him with their car, Aeron feigns unconsciousness to see what kind of people they are before helping Catarina break into a military base. Aeron then shows the team the Einsoft and the Sephirot, devices meant to tap into the power of the Forms, and turns the team and himself into conduits of Forms. When Ash steals the Sephirot to give more people conduit powers, Aeron is unbothered, simply using his ability to track conduits to gain data for his final experiment. Aeron later helps Team Loser track down Ash and asks them to aid him in his final experiment, getting what he needs from Solomon Luna when they refuse. Aeron later unveils his final experiment, summoning the Form of Valentine Itself and announcing to the world that inside is a vault. Aeron sets himself up as the final obstacle, killing anyone who reaches him, and when he's defeated by Team Loser, Aeron accepts his death and opens the vault for them.
- Beatrice "Beau" Beauregard is the fabulous head of the Fashion Branch of the Crown Corporation. When Team Loser steals from her friend, Beau decides to make them her new players in "the Game", forcing them to work for her. Beau sends them to a location that is less dangerous than it seems, hoping to make them look good so she can trade their services. When Ash gives her the Sephirot, Beau becomes a conduit of Miracles and uses this power to scare Bloodmaw the Invincible into working for her. After she is attacked by the Valentine Devil, Beau lets Team Loser investigate before sending Bloodmaw to steal the evidence they find so she gets the prestige from catching the Devil. Even when Team Loser catches the Devil and takes Bloodmaw as their employee, Beau is nonplussed and manages to take control of two more Branches of Crown. When Aeron unveils his final experiment Beau travels into Valentine Itself and contents herself in painting when she realizes she can't defeat Aeron. Beau then has an honest talk with Team Loser about their feelings towards her and gives them a miracle in exchange for them ensuring that her legacy lives on.
- "Markov":
- Dregg Caravella, Conduit of Obstinance, is the hulking Security Chief for the Tuff Bastards who combines immense strength with devious cunning. Dregg consistently manages to overcome obstacles through a combination of his fighting prowess and intelligence, notably managing the near-impossible defeat of a mech piloted by the Invicta member Keyser, before also defeating Keyser despite his dangerous Conduit powers. When confronted with his adoptive criminal brothers Vincent and Anthony Jr., Dregg has the Bastards lure Vinnie into a trap while he rallies support for himself within the Caravella crime family, before saving the rest of the team when Vinnie reveals he has a secret weapon. Dregg then pretends to be a captive to lure Anthony onto a seemingly empty planet, then antagonizes Anthony until he admits to the murder of Dregg’s birth parents, whereupon Dregg has him arrested by a group of hidden police officers. Dregg then takes control of both brothers’ organizations, wiping out a group of potential rebels and using his vast resources to help assault the Invicta headquarters. When Invicta’s leader Colonel Cassius Pire unleashes the destructive Maxwells to destroy Gloria, Dregg uses his strength and intelligence to help destroy the Maxwells and defeat Cassius while also taking over his ship to further strengthen the Caravellas.
- Ragnar Tam, Conduit of Infiltration is an undercover cop working to take down the Caravella organization in Markov. Initially meeting Captain Liamoira Melbeck, Ragnar uses her to get an in with Vincent Caravella before forcing her to help him under threat of arrest. Later Ragnar uses the police’s resources to aid in the arrest of the Caravella brothers before joining the Tuff Bastards. Ragnar uses his connections and intelligence to help the Bastards infiltrate the Cult of the Purists by providing them with weapons to use inside. Ragnar even supports the Bastards when they become fugitives from the Sol government while also setting up a way to protect himself if they get caught. When the universe is threatened by the Maxwells, Ragnar helps the Bastards infiltrate a prison to gain important information and dies helping to stop the Maxwells.
- "Purgatory"
- Blake Ferris in life, was an assassin for the company Failsafe, before dying and being revived by Cato as part of the Furies. As a member of the Furies, Blake used a combination of intelligence, magic, and his Conduit of Mundanity to outwit and defeat his foes. When he attempts to recover his retirement fund, Blake is instead contracted by his former boss Cicero to kill the other executives at Failsafe. Blake recruits Cordelia to help with this job, expertly coordinating with her to kill all the executives. After the executives are dead, Blake is forced to sign a contract promising not to kill Cicero, only to then manipulate the wife of one of the executives into killing him instead. After Nyfix enacts her plan to destroy the Yggdrasil, Blake and Cordelia battle her in order to save the lives of their friends. During the fight, Blake covertly live streams everything to Nyfix’s followers, giving Cordelia the prayers necessary to become a god and save their friends while allowing Nyfix to escape. In the end, Blake fakes his death and donates his money to charity before slipping back into obscurity.
- Camilla is the Conduit of Divinity and the leader of The Believers of the Source. Introduced recruiting Cordelia into the Believers, Camilla then uses her Conduit to push people away from a rival faction and towards the Believers. When she learns that The Lady of Pain keeping the factions in check is actually an impostor, Camilla lures her into a public battle and personally defeats her. With The Lady’s defeat the Athar suffer mass desertions, causing the Believers to win the ensuing faction war and gain the ability to become gods. Camilla then recruits the defeated Athar to help keep the new gods in check before ascending to the position of God of Safety.
- Jean the Demon Queen is the Conduit of Fun and the Furies’ second target. Desiring to become a Demon Overlord, Jean eschews the typical bloodthirst of prospective Overlords in favor of using her Conduit to give Demons what they want in exchange for their loyalty. When the Furies begin traveling through the Abyss to reach her, Jean uses her Conduit to impede their progress by granting their desires with deadly twists, pitting them against several dangerous foes and subtly placing them on a path that will take much longer to reach her. Jean also impersonates Cordellia’s girlfriend to lure her away from the group and offers her dominion over two layers of the Abyss in exchange for her help. After the Furies fight through her defenses Jean battles them herself, weaponizing her Conduit to give them a tough fight. Jean is so charming that Nyfix and King are reluctant to kill her and after her death, several demons try to kill Cordelia in retribution.
- Babble is a Slaad who resents his species’ cursed state and desires to transform them back into the Proteans they once were. Using his Conduit of Primordium, Babble created an army of clones and stole Life Itself. Babble then has his clones enter the Gotterdammerung Grand Prix to get a diamond needed to resurrect the Proteans. When the Furies disqualify most of his clones, Babble has the remaining two impersonate their friends to trick them. After losing the race Babble instead uses the bodies of his clones to fuel the magic needed to resurrect the Proteans. Babble also hides a clone in Cato’s office to spy on the Furies. When the Furies track him down, Babble sends a clone to stop them, killing King in the process. Well spoken and polite, Babble earnestly believes that the chaos the Proteans will cause will bring new potential to the world. When his plans are ruined, Babble accepts his death at Cordelia’s hands, believing that she’ll bring about the chaos he believes in.
- Pope is the name chosen by one of the surviving clones of Babble who took charge of the group to protect them. When he learns that King wants to help the clones, Pope impersonates his friend and lures him into a trap. Pope then cuts off King’s hand and uses his Athar gauntlet to impersonate him and kidnap his daughter, Princess Lime. Pope uses his Conduit of Revenge to revive several people the Furies have killed and challenges them to a “scavenger hunt” to find the person who most desires revenge on them. The Furies find the wife of a person Cordelia killed who will only reveal Pope’s location if King kills Cordelia, with Pope hoping to break King’s resolve and get revenge on Cordelia for Babble’s death. When the Furies find Pope he reveals that Lime was never in any danger and happily introduces the Babble clones to King, having become convinced that he will be a good guardian to them.
