Literature / Uncommon Law

"Uncommon Law" is an anthology of satirical law reports by A P Herbert, originally published in Punch!. They accurately pastiche the style of genuine court reports of the time, and were used by Herbert to highlight areas where he considered the law needed reform. Some of the cases have become well-known enough to be cited in genuine court decisions.

Tropes

• Agent Provocateur: Constable Boot, in "Exploits of Boot", who works in plain clothes tempting shopkeepers and bar staff into breaches of the trading laws — and, in one notable case, seducing a petitioner for divorce:
  In this case the successful petitioner for a decree nisi had obstinately retained her virtue for five of the six statutory months, which, for greater security, she passed in a monastical institution. Constable Boot, however, disguised as a St Bernard dog, obtained admission to the nunnery and ultimately to her affections.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: In Rex v Jackson:
  Sir Ethelred: The coroner, I say, was not content to establish the cause of death, but conducted a minute enquiry into the habits, social life, and moral outlook of all the relations of the deceased woman and as many of her friends as could be identified and brought to the court; also he made a long speech about greyhound-racing.
• Author Avatar: Serial litigant Albert Haddock; it is no coincidence that he shares initials with his creator.
• Bizarre and Improbable Golf Game: Leads to Mr Haddock being fined £100 under the Profane Oaths Act 1745 after repeatedly failing to get his ball across the "Chasm", a sea inlet that crosses the 12th fairway on the Mullion Golf Course.
• Chewbacca Defence: Sir Ethelred Rutt conducts one in Carrot and Co. v. The Guano Association, cross-examining an expert witness with a stream of irrelevant questions.
  [I]t is the general opinion in legal circles that the case will never finish. Had the defendant company been unable to secure his services, it is calculated that the case would have been clearly intelligible from the beginning, and in all probability would have been concluded in a day.
• "Could Have Avoided This!" Plot: "Enter The Lady Chancellor" records a dispute between a newly-appointed Chancellor, who finds the Woolsack uncomfortable and wants to replace it with a chair, and her fellow Law Lords who argue for tradition. At the end, she carries her point and the Woolsack is removed — only for one of her colleagues to point out that she didn't need to be sitting on it in the first place.
• Courtroom Antics: Both sides' barristers in Carrot and Co. v. The Guano Association act up, constantly thumping the desk, raising their eyebrows and blowing their noses. And that's before Sir Ethelred launches on his Chewbacca Defence.
• Cryptic Background Reference: As in real judgements, there are references to earlier cases that set precedents. For example, "The Laywers' Dream" has one judge quote "Silvertop v. The Stepney Guardians", in which it was apparently ruled that training a parrot to insult someone is libel rather than slander. Some of the cases quoted are fictional, some real.
• Famed In-Story: In the later cases, Mr Haddock has gained enough of a reputation that one judge perks up when he sees his name on the order paper, looking forward to "some jolly litigation."
• Gratuitous Latin: Like real judges, the judges in Uncommon Law like to pepper their judgements with legal maxims in untranslated Latin, such as "jus varium, judex opulentus"^Lat. Inconsistent law makes judges rich in "The Lawyers' Dream".
• Have a Gay Old Time: In Trott v. Tulip, the judge mentions "bimbo" and "togg" as examples of words that couldn't be defamatory, because they have no meaning. "Bimbo" has since come to mean Brainless Beauty, and so could now be defamatory.
• His Name Is...: In "The Lawyers' Dream", Lord Goat perishes from a heart attack just as he is about to deliver the deciding vote in the question of whether an audio recording is libel or slander.
• It's Not Porn, It's Art: Inverted in Rex v. The Head Master of Eton in which the Classics master of an exclusive Boarding School is charged with not only possession of lewd books (i.e. all those stories about pagan gods lying with maidens in the form of animals), but sharing them with minors. The magistrates rule that it's not art, it's porn.
• Kayfabe: Pratt, G. K. v. Pratt, P. and Mugg is a society divorce case where the lawyers and judge are well aware that the legal motions being gone through have no relationship to the true facts. Sir Oliver Slick, who's about to retire and can't be bothered to play along, breaks the kayfabe and explains what's actually going on, much to the consternation of his instructing solicitor.
• Language Equals Thought: In "Exploits of Boot", Mr Justice Swallow emphasises that there is no English term for Agent Provocateur, because "the idea is so repugnant to British notions of fair play and decency that it has never found expression in our language."
• Men Are Better Than Women: Played for laughs in Fardell v. Potts, in which the judge rules that the Common Law concept of the "reasonable man" does not apply to women, who can't be expected to behave reasonably.
• Mister Strangenoun: A lot of the judges have names like this: Mr Justice Wool, Lord Lick, Lord Arrowroot, Lord Sheep etc.
• Notably Quick Deliberation:
  • One is described in a footnote.
  In Rex v Strauss (1928) 9 Cr App R 91, a bailiff acting for the Inland Revenue was struck and killed with a book of sermons while removing, from the premises of the accused, a wireless set belonging to the accused; as well as two Rabbits, the property of a favourite daughter. The defence was that distress for income tax was a gross provocation comparable to the discovery of a wife in the arms of another (see Rex v Mouldy, 1 Ventris 158), and such as to produce an uncontrollable impulse depriving a man of the ordinary powers of self-control. The jury, without leaving the box, returned a verdict of 'Justifiable Homicide'; but the following day was Derby Day, and therefore the decision is not regarded as settled law.
  • In Rex v Cochran, Rex v George, MacDonald, Maxton and others and Rex v Jackson, the jury return their verdict without leaving the box.
• Our Nudity Is Different: In a footnote in Urban District of Burbleton v Haddock, Mr Justice Wool goes into a bit of a rant when a man is charged with indecency for entering the sea wearing the "wrong" sort of swimsuit, contrasting the 19th century definition of "indecency" used by the municipal council with a more liberal 1920s definition:
  Mr Justice Wool: Stuff and nonsense, constable! The male torso is not indecent. If it is hairy it may be unattractive: but so is the male foot. So is your face; but the Council cannot compel you to drape it. A lady's back is not indecent: it may be attractive, but so are a lady's eyes. The act says "indecency" not "allure". My father wore nothing but drawers. So did I.
• Poe's Law: At least two cases were reported elsewhere as real court cases. The most famous is "The Negotiable Cow", in which Albert Haddock writes a check to the Inland Revenue on the side of a cow. There was also "Is It a Free Country?" which shocked one American legal commentator who believed a British judge had actually said "It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is."
• Pun: If a Latin legal maxim is quoted, it's often in mangled form. For example, "de minimis non curat lex"^Lat. The law does not bother with trifles becomes "de feminis non curat lex"^Lat. The law does not care about women.
• Pun-Based Title: "Uncommon Law" is a play on The Common Law. "Misleading Cases", the title of the original collection, spoofs the term "Leading case" (a case that sets a precedent).
• Rage Breaking Point: In Willow v Capital Pictures Corporation, Mr Justice Wool (who's just had a pay cut) is in no mood to sympathise with Miss Willow, who's been paid his entire annual salary for five weeks' work, and goes on a pages-long rant about how underpaid judges are before shutting down the court in protest.
• "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Mr Justice Swallow's summing-up in "Exploits of Boot" is not only harshly against Boot, but includes numerous comments about how stupid the jury are.
• Refuge in Audacity: Albert Haddock carries on an endless feud with the Inland Revenue, often writing cheques to it in unusual places. In "The Negotiable Cow," for example, he writes a cheque to the IR on the side of a cow, affixes a stamp to the animal's horn, leads her to the IR office, and when turned away, is arrested for having the cow in downtown London. The judge sternly rebukes the IR and Constable Boot for their actions, pointing out that there is no requirement that a cheque be written on a printed form, and that the horse, a much less useful animal, is seen in downtown London on a regular basis. Haddock also writes a cheque on the shell of an egg, which the IR is similarly compelled to accept. At another time, he puts a cheque to the IR in a sealed bottle in the Thames during a time of labor trouble disrupting the Royal Mail, and then informs the IR of when they can expect to see it floating by their offices.
• Rhymes on a Dime: In one case, Haddock is given a higher than normal fine for conducting his defence in rhymed couplets.
• Rules Lawyer: Albert Haddock attempts this with the actual law — sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
• Self-Deprecation:
  • In Trott v Tulip, the judge recalls the evidence of Mr Haddock: "[W]ho told us that he was a humorous writer, but produced no evidence to support the statement."
  • In "Crime in the Commons", Haddock refers to the real-life case Rex v. Sir R F Graham-Campbell and others. Ex parte Herbert (1935) 1 KB 594 as being brought by "an ill-disciplined author named Herbert".
• Shown Their Work: Herbert was an actual barrister and MP, and used his knowledge of the law to make the cases as plausible as possible.
• Snake Oil Salesman: In Suet v Haddock, Mr Suet sells a medicine called 'Sinko', which is "widely advertised as having the power to remove or remedy 'That Sinking Feeling'".
  The expert medical evidence for the plaintiff is that 'Sinko' is made of hydrogenalin, a new and secret chemical compound. The expert medical testimony for the defence is that 'Sinko' is made from wood-shavings, lubricating oil and bits of straw.
• Stern Old Judge: Given the time period, most of the judges can be assumed to be. Mr Justice Wool moves into Grumpy Old Man territory; his temper is not helped by his tendency to hay fever.
• Take That, Critics!:
  • In "Trott v Tulip", a judge instructs the jury not to discriminate against a critic:
    You were invited by the plaintiff's counsel to consider upon a somewhat higher plane the activities of Miss Trott, which are admittedly creative, than those of Mrs. Tulip, as being chiefly occupied in tearing to pieces the things which other men have made. But this distinction, however attractive to the lay mind, I must ask you to dismiss from your own. In many ponderous and ill‑drafted enactments our ancestors have been careful to secure to the most repellent of the King's subjects the common rights of free expression so long as it takes the harmless form of venomous and enraging words.
  • Suet v Haddock and Bacon v Egg; Kidney v Egg both have judges summing up against critics, with damages of £10,000 being awarded against unfavourable reviews.
• Writer on Board:
  • "Incorporation of Haddock" is a tract arguing for perpetual copyright.
  • "Not a Crime", the final case in Uncommon Law, drops the humorous tone of the other cases in favour of a more serious attack on the contradictions of divorce law as it stood at the time. Herbert later expanded it into a novel, Holy Deadlock.