Neal: (about Diana) Harmless flirting. It's like a dance.
Peter: No, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you.
Neal: Um...she digs the hat.
Peter: Um...she'd rather be wearing the hat.
It takes about three seconds for him to realize what Peter just said. The face Neal makes when he finally gets it is priceless.
Later in the pilot is a possibly unintentional one as Peter looks at an old photo of him and his wife on holiday. He comments to himself that she hasn't changed a bit but that he has. Thing is, his face has been clearly photoshopped into the photo while hers is either done a lot better or not actually photoshopped at all.
From All In:
Neal: I think I saw the Ark of the Covenant back there.
Peter: If my face melts, let me know.
"I love your alleged work! Big fan."
Neal and Mozzie using what appears to be an Oregon Trail board game to map out their plan for destroying the tape in Bad Judgment.
In Vital Signs, Neal is strapped to a bed and given tranquilizers after he is caught in Dr. Powell's office. When Peter finds him, Neal's still on the bed (singing, no less) even though he freed himself a while ago.
Peter: We gotta get you out of these binds.
Neal: Oh, you mean these? (Raises arms and straps fall to the floor) What.
The most impressive thing about this moment is the fact that, with just one syllable, Matt Bomer manages to sound deadpan, drugged out, and cocky all at the same time!
Actually, Neal's drugged state is a CMOF itself.
Especially since he keeps hitting the floor.
No kidding! From the the same scene:
Peter: I cannot believe you! Why would you do something like this?
Neal: Peter, I've done sooo many worse things you don't even know about.
Elizabeth thinks Peter having to flirt with a suspect (and later awkwardly explaining it to her) is hilarious.
Most of Vital Signs is hilarious. Mention also goes to the scene early on where Neal shows up unexpectedly at the Burkes' house while they're having breakfast. Elizabeth offers him a cereal bowl, she and Neal both completely ignore Peter's annoyance with him for interrupting breakfast, and then Neal digs around in the cereal box for the free toy—a silver sheriff badge, which he pins onto his suit.
Peter:(as Neal is leaving) Neal, remember, (points to badge) that's not real.
Neal:(mischievous laugh, walks out)
What makes it even better, near the end of the episode, when they show up to arrest Dr. Powell, Peter holds up his FBI badge—and Neal, with the most adorable grin on his face, holds up his sheriff badge.
The entire scene setting up for the FBI to storm Peter's house in Home Invasion. Especially him telling the SWAT guys to wipe their feet!
"Anyone knocks anything over, they deal directly with my wife."
From Bottlenecked. Hughes walks into Peter's office:
Peter: This can't be good.
Hughes: Why does everyone say that when I walk into their office?
Peter: So you have good news?
When Neal has to work with Agent Rice in Front Man:
Rice: Y'know, you kept me waiting outside that rich lady's house for half an hour.
Neal: You can't rush style, Agent Rice.
Rice: Took me less time to get ready for my wedding. (Neal gives her a funny look) It didn't take.
Diana's conversation with Neal whilst sitting on his lap pretending to be a flirtatious call girl in Need to Know.
Neal: Is this doing anything for you? Diana: Not a daaamn thing. (smiling) Neal: What were you going to do if I hadn't come in? Diana: (sensually) Well... I'd have put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, taken him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs—and told him to shut up and sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation. Neal: (swallowing a bit of strawberry)That is really sexy. Diana: Yeah.
The picture of Peter's mustache at the end of that same episode.
Seen again in Forging Bonds, along with an equally hilarious goatee sported by Mozzie.
"Only to distract from the toupee."
Pretty much everything Mozzie says.
"I resent your judgment and your misguided misunderstanding of things you don't understand!"
"Hey, do yourself a favor—never try to send a grappling hook through the U.S. Postal service."
"Contrary to popular belief, I do not have the compassion of Jesus."
"Oh...great. I brought a corkscrew to a gunfight."
In The Teaser for Copycat Caffrey, Peter and Neal say that a crime resembles one allegedly committed by someone familiar. Diana doesn't get it, and asks "Who?". Neal gets the dopiest grin on his face as he answers: "Me."
In By The Book, Mozzie finally walks into the FBI offices, dumbstruck by the very idea of doing so. What follows is a montage of Mozzie noticing details of all the agents, the office, etc., as a clip from The Hall of the Mountain King plays.
Dumbstruck by the fact that he was invited in to help as opposed to being arrested and questioned no less.
Sara losing both bets that she made with Neal and Peter, separately, about what the other one would say in Unfinished Business.
Also in Unfinished Business:
Neal: I'm standing alone by a waste treatment plant...
The banter between Sara, Neal and Peter is just beautiful.
Sara: Neal brought me a gift. Peter: Ah, the Raphael. Cute. Sara:He wants something. Neal: I can't get you a present? Sara: When someone like you gets someone like me a gift, there's a reason. Peter, what do you think Neal wants? Peter: He's never given me a present. Neal: I sent you birthday cards. Peter: That wasn't a present. Do you want something from Ms. Ellis? Neal: I want her to stop pointing guns at me. Peter: That can be arranged.
Elizabeth making her actual contribution to what they originally called the Burke's Six. Also crosses over in-universe as a CMOA as both Neal and Peter look positively dumbstruck/love struck by her improvisation.
Elizabeth: *hangs up phone* Now it's the Burke's Seven.
Also in Burke's Seven when Neal is impersonating Larson with a rather limited voice changer.
Neal: I'll pay you... bubble!
Sara distracting the people on the boat for Neal by playing the part of the rich empty-headed society wife trying to hire it. "How much would it cost to paint the whole thing pink?"
In What Happens in Burma, Mozzie and Neal are in Neal's apartment, working on a plan to steal back a hard drive using a delayed smoke bomb Mozzie made. The smoke doesn't go off—until Peter drops by. Mozzie has to hide the smoke bomb in his jacket and is standing surreptitiously with smoke casually coming out of it.
Diana:(without looking up) Neal, what did I say last time you asked me for a favor?
Neal: I should think long and hard before trying to pull anything over on you.
Neal: And that if I ever did try, you'd break one or both of my arms.
Diana: You know I hate to repeat myself.
In Power Play, Neal and Peter have to switch identities for the whole episode. The agents have an absolute field day with it, from Neal asking Peter to bring him coffee (cream, no sugar), to Jones and Diana's jokes, to Peter pouring in an entire can of sugar. And that's just in the first ten minutes!
Jones: (to Peter) Oh, don't you hate it when Peter makes you get coffee?
Peter: You're getting me mocha chai lattes for the rest of the month.
Diana: Hey, boss. Why is Neal in your office?
Jones: Neal is posing as Peter so a witness will tell us about an energy collusion scam.
Diana:Awesome! I'm going in!
There's also a great deleted scene in this episode, in which Peter has to "Caffrey his way out" of a tight spot.
Elizabeth's absolutely blindsided look when Neal casually walks up to the witness and introduces himself as Peter. Then, after she's played along and the witness has left, they both just stare for a moment in a 'what did we just do?' manner.
Neal: So, who's going to tell Peter? Beat Neal: I vote you.
From Where There's a Will:
Elizabeth: Honey, do you want to grab some mirrors and go play with Neal?
Peter: (big grin) Yes!
And, earlier, Peter's conversation with the little girl.
Savannah:(pointing at Neal) Who's he? Peter: His name is Neal. He knows a lot of stuff. Savannah: What's that thing on his leg? Peter: That's a tracking anklet. Savannah: I have an anklet. Wanna see? (shows Peter her anklet) Peter: Cute. Where'd you get it? Savannah: My grandpa. Where'd he get his? Peter: It's part of a federal work release program where...(trails off) er....I gave it to him. It's so I don't lose him. Savannah: Oh. Are you his grandpa? Peter: Weren't you supposed to go to your room? Savannah: Uh huh!
In Deadline, Neal and Sara attempt a "normal" before-work conversation:
Sara: Sweetie. Neal: Darling. Sara: Did you take out the garbage? Neal: Honey, I shredded the garbage. You know the feds love to rummage. Sara: They're not the only ones; I once tracked a Rothko to the Hamptons using a Jitney receipt.
Also from Deadline, Peter is explaining to Diana that she has to go undercover as the assistant to a very hard-lined journalist who, according to Jones, "puts the 'Hell' in Helen."
Diana: So I'll be at the absolute beck and call of my tough new boss?(casts a side glance at Neal, who laughs.)
Peter: What's funny?
Neal: Nothing. (to Diana) If you ever need any advice...
In The Dentist of Detroit: Peter and Neal's entire fake argument is hilarious, but Peter's face after Neal yells "And the next time your hot wife is lonely, tell her to call me!" makes the scene.
More than that, Neal was mostly okay with being called untrustworthy (real issues bleeding through), but he was just so hurt when Peter insulted his hats, earnestly insisting that Peter loves his hats.
From that same episode: Elizabeth tells Mozzie about the two times she got arrested. The first time was for having a fake ID. The second time was because she streaked across campus after losing a bet in college. Mozzie's half-astonished, half-impressed, "Mrs. Suit!" just makes the whole scene.
Anything to do with Mozzie in the FBI safehouse.
Mozzie: You touch anything and you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Jones: You are your lawyer.
Veiled Threat: Sara (leaning on Neal's shoulder with a goofy grin as they watch Peter "propose" to a suspected murderer from behind a two-way mirror): "Best. Date. Ever."
Earlier in that same scene:
Sara: Can Peter draw?
Neal: Unless she's expecting a breathtaking stick figure, he's in trouble.
From Scott Free:
Man: [Talking about a motorcycle] Have you ever had a hundred grand between your legs?
Neal: Actually, yes, I have. I-
Peter: Don't. No.
It gets funnier when you watch Checkmate and you realize it probably wasn't as inappropriate as Peter thought; Neal was probably just talking about that solid gold tray...
Also from that episode, Neal and Mozzie discuss Scott.
Mozzie: I sense good in him.
Neal: Oh do you, Qui-Gon Jinn?
From Taking Account:
Mozzie: (over the phone) Neal, this isn't a great time. Neal: Yeah, well, you've got the FBI on the line. Peter: We need to talk to your new client. Mozzie: Please call my office during normal business hours to set an appointment. Neal: Look, can you find Sally or not? (Camera pans over, revealing Sally in bed stroking Mozzie's chest) Mozzie: ...hang on. (cut to FBI office, where they hear:) Do you see my glasses? Sally: They're right in front of you. (Shocked reactions all around) Jones: Wait... Neal: (alternately surprised/impressed/amused) Are they...? Peter: (mildly disgusted) I think...they are... Mozzie: Are these your socks? Sally: That one is mine. Diana:I will never unhear that.
Near the end of "As You Were".
Neal: [About staying in the surveillance van] I'm just saying I'd rather pound my thumb with a hammer.
Jones: I'll do it.
Diana: Pound his thumb?
Earlier in that episode, Mozzie expresses his opinion about Neal and Sara's breakup:
Mozzie: For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about Sara. She has an infectious joie de vivre. And she looks terrific in pants-suits.
Neal: Promise me you'll never speak at my funeral.
Peter: I did not hear that. Nobody heard that. Pencils down. Don't write that.
A great non-verbal scene from Countdown: Neal is about to detail his plan for how to swap out the real Degas for his forgery. Mozzie, knowing it's going to be something really outrageous, holds up a hand for Neal to wait. He then picks up a bottle of wine and a small glass. He looks at Neal, switches to a bigger glass, fills it up halfway, looks at Neal again, and then fills it up the rest of the way. Neal's only reaction is to raise his eyebrows.
Checkmate, of all episodes, manages to have a few funny moments.
"I'd shake your hand, but..."
"You walk in front of me."
In Upper West Side Story, Diana is pretending to be Peter's mistress, and they're having a stage fight. She mentions his pretend son's baby brother, and he replies that Peter Jr. doesn't have a baby brother. She tells him he will in about six months. Forget pretending, Peter was honestly caught off-guard by that statement, and it was absolutely hilarious to watch.
From that same episode:
Jones: Hey. Caffrey just gave me two tickets to a Yankees game tonight. And they look real.
Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. Peter wouldn't accept the tickets from Neal, who had originally given them to him as an attempt to get back on his good side. By the end of the episode, Neal genuinely wants Peter to have the tickets, so he gives them to Jones, knowing the first thing Jones will do is invite Peter.
The fact that Neal and Mozzie spend almost the entire episode trying to set up Evan and Chloe.
Neal as a substitute teacher "Tomorrow we're starting Dickens!" and Peter's response "Someone has Great Expectations."
From the beginning of Neighborhood Watch
Peter: I guess the Bureau can live without an MZGSM scanner for a few hours.
Peter: Well, if I'm late tonight, I'm probably dealing with a wireless XD5 Intel motherboard thingy problem.
From that same episode, Mozzie's description of El's driving: "Elizabeth is like a terrifying amalgamation of Danica Patrick and The Man from U.N.C.L.E!"
At the beginning of Pulling Strings, Peter's instructions to Jones and Diana as he's getting ready to spend a weekend at home with his visiting in-laws:
Peter: This entire weekend, assume I do not exist. Don't e-mail me, don't call me—
Diana: Don't even think about calling you—
Jones: Don't even think about thinking about calling you—
Peter: Unless someone dies, or Neal does something big. And maybe not even if someone dies.
And then Jones does call - because someone died. (Lampshaded as such, too!)
Peter's horrible sweater that his mother-in-law made for him.
Peter: Keep an eye on Neal.
Diana: Sure thing, Dr. Huxtable.
Diana and Sara's commentary while watching Neal and Bryan's verbal sparring match:
Diana: Are you going to intervene?
Sara: No, no I'm only concerned with one instrument, not watching them swing theirs.
In "Stealing Home", Neal stops by the Burke household in the morning and is greeted by Elizabeth, who seems to be in rather good spirits. Upon commenting on her cheerfulness, we get this exchange. For someone who's matured quite a lot in the last three seasons, Neal is sure acting a lot like a teenager who's just walked in on his parents enjoying their post-coitus bliss:
Elizabeth: You're awfully chipper today.
Neal: So are you.
(Elizabeth grins to herself.)
Peter:(coming down the stairs) El! You are a tigress! A tigress! I know when you— (enters the room and sees Neal is there, abruptly changes the subject) —hey, Neal. Grab some breakfast?
It's made ten times funnier by the fact that it's just been implied that he and Sara were doing the same thing the previous night. As they're all adults, there's really no reason he should find it awkward, until you take into account that, as mentioned above, Peter and Elizabeth are like parents to him.
From Judgment Day:
Mozzie: Behind every worst case scenario is a worse worst case scenario.
Neal: Isn't there a child whose balloon you have to pop somewhere?
From Parting Shots after Peter makes up a really weak alias for Neal:
Neal: Neal Armstrong?
Peter: ...Arms. All those prosthetics in the evidence warehouse. At least it's better than Neal Hand...le...man.
Neal: No, it's not. I like Neal Handleman.
Peter: Should have gone with Eisenhower (Eyes-en-hower).
Neal: (Abruptly turns and walks away)
Peter: That would've been good.
In "Identity Crisis", Peter is reading the book about the old spy network and starts to say that only a conspiracy nut would believe that the spy network was still alive...then stops when he realizes that he's talking about Mozzie.
In "Compromising Positions", Peter and Sara have to fake a bunch of dirty pictures. Peter is, well - Peter, and uncomfortable at touching another woman, Sara is just as weirded out, Neal is hanging out on the balcony with a camera offering commentary, and El is doing everything from ripping Peter's shirt the "right" way to slapping his butt and telling him to "show her your moves, honey." Hilarious.
By the end, even Neal seems a little uncomfortable.
This entire episode is a CMOF. Mozzie gets several good moments, including what is probably the absolute best use of the phrase, "Drill, Baby, Drill!" in television history.
Diana fangirling over the high-tech bullet-proof vest in Vested Interest.
Family Business has a few good funny moments.
Three words: High. Stakes. Candyland.
Neal and Mozzie getting drunk while taste-testing their counterfeit whiskey.
Mozzie: Y'know, whiskey comes from a Gaelic word—
Neal: You said Gaelic...
Mozzie: —a Gaelic word meaning "water of life." Now I understand that.
Neal: Yeah, and tomorrow morning we are gonna find that name painfully ironic.
Neal's subsequent hangover the next day.
Which Peter cures with pickle juice.
When Mozzie finds out that Peter is in the hospital after being in a car wreck, we get this gem.
Mozzie: Well obviously my liver is a write-off, but my acupuncturist will testify to the virginal state of my spleen.
It's also heartwarming: Mozzie was offering to donate his organs to Peter.
From Empire City:
Mozzie: I'm aiding and abetting the fuzz, and I'm the one in manacles?
Neal: You ran five consecutive red lights.
Neal and Mozzie's customer/cab driver routine.
Mozzie: Whoever said "the customer is always right," never met the customer!
Also, a very quick one when Neal comes up with a plan to replace the stolen goods with a facsimile that will melt.
Peter: Like that ice diamond you sold.
Neal:(smiles and nods) No.
Neal's voicemail message to Peter in Shoot the Moon:
Neal: Peter, hey, three things: nobody's dead, Satchmo's fine, aaand I changed your alarm code, which I'll gladly give back to you in exchange for some maple syrup. Tell Elizabeth I said hi.
In the Wind: Neal has just woken up when James enters his apartment, telling him they need to plan...and then is caught flatfooted as he sees Sara wearing just a short silk robe. It takes James three tries to get her name right.
Mozzie arrives, sees Sara, asks who called her over, gives her his coffee, and pours himself a glass of wine.