Funny: The Jerk
Thanks to Navin being dumb as a stump (not to mention the sheer silliness of this movie), there's too many to mention. To boil it down to the highlights:
- "I was born a poor black child."
- Terminally white Navin can't keep time with the family's beloved blues music. Then he discovers easy listening, and becomes a human metronome.
- "This music speaks to me!"
- "See that? That's shit. And this? Is Shinola." "Shit....... Shinola!" "Son, you're gonna be all right!"
- And as they walk away, Navin steps right in it.
- Navin and Marie's duet of "Tonight You Belong To Me" is a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, until Marie randomly pulls out a cornet for a solo.
Navin: You know... while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up, float right down the end of this cornet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, come right up against your lips and give you a kiss.Marie: Why didn't you?Navin: I didn't wanna get spit on me.
- The entire "and that's all I need" scene.
- This exchange:
Mother: It's your birthday and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural born child.Navin: (teary-eyed) ...I'm not?Mother: You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us!Navin: You mean I'm gonna stay this color?!
- Navin finds out what his "special purpose" is for. He wishes his family was there for it, but maybe that'll happen in the future because he plans to use it a lot. He also expects extra money next week because his friend Patti has promised him a blowjob!
- Navin's brother struggles to not laugh as their parents read the letter.
- The ending: His family struck it "rich", and Navin moves back home. Their old, crappy house is torn down and replaced with... a slightly less crappy, only slightly bigger house.
- "Well Mom, remember how, I always said I wanted a big house on a hill?" And then some...
- "And remember how I always used to chit-chat with dad about having a bathtub shaped like a clam?"
- "I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big, it's gonna make you PUKE!!" It Makes Sense in Context.
- Marie's sincere reaction to finding Navin under the mud mask she's taking off instead of the old Jewish man she'd applied it to.
- (To herself) "Jesus, this shit really works."
- Navin's monologue to Marie about how much he loves her as she's sleeping next to him. Unless Bernadette Peters was actually asleep, she has the greatest poker face in human history.
- Navin writing to his mom that Marie looks exactly like her... except she's White and blonde.
- When Marie leaves a goodbye letter to Navin near the bathroom door, he accidentally gets it wet, causing the ink to run before attempting to read it... phonetically. Hilarity Ensues.
- Navin celebrates getting his name into the phonebook.
Navin: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin: 'Nothing'? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[Cut to the Sniper picking a name at random out of a phonebook.]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.
- "STAY AWAY FROM THE CANS!"