- Armand's speech about Guatamalan life in the country.
Armand: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens, and a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
- Armand directing a dance sequence that involves an actor, who is directed to sit still for most of the act, and conveying some flamboyant moves ("Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!") and ending that direction with "... but you keep it all inside."
- Drag!Senator Keeley's plaintive "No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress, I told them white would make me look fat."
- Albert freaking out when he's learning how to butter toast like a man.
Albert: [screams] Oh, God! I pierced the toast!Armand: So what? Just remember not to go to pieces when that happens. React like a man, calmly. You say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?" It's not the end of your life.Albert: "Albert, you pierced the toast. So what?" Of course. There's no need to get hysterical. All l have to remember is, I can always get more toast.
- Armand tries to get Albert to walk like a more traditional man, and advises him to copy John Wayne. Albert's version of it is a bizarre, hip-twirling sashay.
Albert: No good?Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized that John Wayne walked like that.
- Albert is finally prevailed upon to wear a conservative dark suit. He walks out stiffly, attempting to hold back his usual mannerisms, and sits down.
Albert: ...What? No good? Why? I'm dressed just the way you are. I took off all my rings. I'm not wearing any makeup. I'm just...a "guy".Armand: [indicating Albert's hot pink socks] What about those?Albert: Those? [hopefully] Well, one does want a hint of color...
- The Goldman's home décor comprised of statues of nude men, erectile figurines, homoerotic china and a portrait of a bald man in a dress.
- Armand's erotic penis pendant.
- The effeminate scream Albert makes upon seeing that the house has been redecorated.
Albert: We've been robbed!
- Armand on Albert driving: "Great, then he's driving back from Miami at 20mph with the parking brake on."
- Albert, as 'Mrs. Coleman', unwittingly listing off the "maids" he and Armand had over the years (all of which whom were men) to Senator Keeley.
Albert: If you knew how many maids we've run through in the last six years, I could name a dozen; Rodney, Bruno, Chuck—
- At the wedding, two of the conservative women in attendance are confused.
First woman: Which one is the mother?
Second woman: [watching both Albert and Katherine crying like mad] ... I just don't know.
- Also at the wedding: "Bob Dole is gorgeous!"
- Albert getting sentimental over Val's wedding announcement.
Albert: Oh, Armand, [beat] our baby is going to leave us and we won't have any others.
- "So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it."
- Armond's response to Katherine apologizing for not being very maternal and being totally out of Val's life since his birth.
"Don't worry about that, I'm very maternal! And Albert is practically a breast!"
- During dinner, everyone takes a sip of Agador's soup, pauses... and immediately reaches for a piece of bread to cleanse their palates. Practically a brief master class in comic timing.