Funny: Shrek

Shrek and its sequels are simply packed with tons of hilarity, but this page is for examples from the first film, as well as any Shrek media without its own page. Keep examples from the other films on their own designated pages.
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  • From Shrek 1, there's Donkey realising that Dragon is a girl dragon, and starts complimenting her on reeking of feminine beauty and babbling about not being ready for a relationship of this magnitude.
  • The entire ogres are like onions bit.
    Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than you think.
    Donkey: Example...?
    Shrek: Example? Okay, umm... ogres... are like onions.
    Donkey: [Sniffs onion in Shrek's hand] They stink?
    Shrek: Yes- NO!
    Donkey: Oh, they make you cry!
    Shrek: No!
    Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs?
    Shrek: NO! [peels an onion] Layers. Onions. Have. Layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers... you get it, we both have layers! [Sighs and walks off]
    Donkey: [Beat] Oh, you both have laaayers... [Sniffs onion on ground and makes face] You know not everybody like onions... CAKE! Eeeeverybody likes cake. Cakes have layers!
    Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres... are not... like cakes. [Walks off]
    Donkey: [Beat] You know what everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious!
    Shrek: NO!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story- bye-bye!.... See you later. [Walks off]
    Donkey: [beat] Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole, damn planet...
    Shrek: You know what? I think I preferred your humming.
  • "We gonna stay up all night, swappin' manly stories, and in the morning — I'm makin' waffles!"
  • When Shrek and Fiona start making balloon animals, from real animals.
  • "What you're doing- do the opposite of that!
  • "Now hand me that big old rock the one that looks like your head."
  • "You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!"
  • "Celebrity marriages...they never last do they?"
  • Donkey's just made of these.
  • Whenever Donkey appears onscreen while singing I'm a Believer. Same thing with the Shrek Karaoke Dance Party, where he sings Baby Got Back. (With Dragon shaking her backside to his tune)
  • Gingy's interrogation is made of funny.
  • Duloc is indeed the perfect place.
  • When Shrek is taking on Farquad's knights at the tourney, he wins over the audience with his fighting prowess, and then a random bloodthirsty granny in the crowd really takes things over the top.
    "The chair! Give him the chair!"
  • Shrek takes a groin shot while he, Fiona, and Donkey are escaping from the dragon's castle (Shrek's holding the smaller two while sliding down a stone banister that has a large bump appropriately placed). His eyes cross, but (being an ogre) he shakes it off more quickly than a human would.
  • Shrek hears noise and gets up from his table
    Shrek: I thought I told you to stay outside!
    Donkey (from the window): I am outside!
  • When Shrek finds that the Seven Dwarfs have placed Snow White's coffin on his kitchen table
    Shrek: Oh, no no no no no! Dead broad OFF the table!
    Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
    Shrek: Huh? (Sees Big Bad Wolf, in night dress, sitting in his bed)
    Wolf: (Irritably) What?
  • "I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'."
  • Donkey, after Shrek roars at him to try to scare him away. "Wow...That was really scary. Now, if that don't work your breath would certainly get the job done because you definitely need some tic tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!"
  • The nervous Donkey has to be goaded into crossing a rickety rope-and-plank bridge over a volcano. He says, before they set out, "Don't look down." Donkey actually manages not to, though he seems like he's about to try once or twice... and then he puts a foot wrong and ends up with his face poking through a gap in the planks. "SHREK! I'M LOOKIN' DOWN! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
    • And then there's this part:
    Donkey: (after Shrek shakes the bridge) Don't do that!
    Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry! Do what? You mean this? (sways the bridge)
    Donkey: Yes, that!
    Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it? Okay! (begins swaying the bridge some more)
    Donkey (backing away): No! Stop! STOP THAT! STOP—(realizes he's now on the other side of the bridge) Whew!
  • The whole sequence with Shrek and the angry mob at the beginning. The mob plot the best way to attack the ogre, as they think he'll make bread from their bones, until Shrek appears out of nowhere to explain, no, that's giants. After a graphic description of what ogres make from their victims, one villager gets brave enough to wave his torch in Shrek's face; the ogre just calmly douses the flame with a moistened finger. Then Shrek unleashes the mother of all roars that gets the mob screaming...and they keep screaming long after the roar has ended.
    Shrek: (Hushed) This is the part where you run away. (Mob flees, Shrek laughs) And stay out!
  • Donkey and Shrek are making their way up the volcano when Donkey smells something foul. Naturally, Donkey assumes Shrek let one rip, prompting the following response:
    Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
    Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither.
  • Right after Shrek and Donkey rescue Fiona, she goes on for a bit about how noble they are for rescuing her and about how she's waiting for Shrek to kiss her.
    Fiona: No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...
    Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think- you think that Shrek is your true love?
    Princess Fiona: Well, yes!
    Shrek: BAHAHAHAHA...!!
  • While Shrek just wants to barge into the wedding, Donkey gets Genre Savvy by suggesting him to wait for the Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace portion.
    Donkey: Wait What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?
    Shrek: Yes.
    Donkey: You wanna hold her?!
    Shrek (irritably) Yes.
    Donkey: Please her?!!
    Shrek: YES!!!!
    Donkey: Then you gotta gotta try a little TENDERNESS! The chicks love that romantic crap!
    • Then they find out they missed that bit and Shrek barges in anyway, but still just in time to say "I OBJECT!"

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