Funny / Regular Car Reviews

• From his 1991 BMW E30 review:
  • The "Time attack, bro!" intro.
    "TWELVE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR ENGINE REBUILD, SONNNNNNN!!"
  • "The BMW E30 is hated, mocked, reviled as an emotionless box to hold invoices and printouts from Internet arguments; should anything go south at a car meet you will have damning evidence against your enemies for the inevitable civil lawsuit."
  • His use of "E30" as an adjective or verb (E30-iest, E30-ing, E30-y).
  • Pointing out that the car has four doors rather than the two doors expected of most sport-focused cars:
    "You see, your brain's dick thinks that 2-door cars are faster because structural rigidity or whatever. So when a 4-door BMW passes you in your S13 you're PISSED because there is no M-badge on the back of that car on which you can lay your excuses."
  • "The only difference is, Miatas can be fixed with swear words, but E30's, you need a manual."
  • "The ride is smooth but buzzy, LIKE A JAILBROKEN VIBRATING ASS-TICKLER."
  • "It's sort of like getting to second base for the first time only to discover your girlfriend has PEPPERONI NIPPLES and sure, let's keep going but I'm not going to be storing this in the SPANK BANK."
• From his 1985 Toyota Sprinter Trueno AE86 review (part 1, part 2):
  • Pointing out that because the car is imported from Japan, and thus has the driver's seat on the right rather than the left like in US-produced cars, tollbooths are going to be a massive pain in the ass.
    "...and, if the geek doesn't have E-ZPass, every toll road journey will become a clusterdump of inconvenience for him and any other motorist unlucky enough to get caught behind him at the tollbooths — as he has to get out of his car and walk around and hand the money personally to the turnpike worker who is looking for any excuse to mouth some serious sass and call the state trooper who is inevitably parked nearby."
• From the 2014 BMW 320i F30 review:

  "It makes enough horsepower! I'm a man now! S'cuse me, s'cuse me, s'cuse me, I'm gonna order coffee while talking on the phone. Hey it's me! I just gotta TOUCH BASE WITH YOU! AAAAGH! IT'S TIME TO TOUCH BASE! With you, and the REST OF THE TEAM! WE'RE GETTIN' ON THE SAME PAGE! HWOOOOAH THIS IS CRITICAL! YEAH SAME PAGE! AND TOUCHING BASE! ^{We gotta touch base!} AND LOOK AHEADDDDDDDD! I JUST SOILED MYSELF! IS EVERYONE ON BOARDDDD?! We're rounding the bend! The conference room is reserved! AND MY URETHRA! IS YAWNING! AND WE'RE ALL! GONNA! TOUCH! BASE!"

• On the 1990 Toyota Corolla GT-S, specifically one that has been modified to resemble a Toyota Trueno:
  • The random tangent into Tetris erotica.
  • He has some choice words for people who try to pass off a US-manufactured Corolla GT-S as an imported Trueno:
    "You can have an AE98 Trueno [...] if you desire, sure; find a lawful importer. But if you body-swap a Corolla GT-S, tread lightly, because car enthusiasts are catty shittalkers and bad swapping will put you between judgmental iron sights. If you roll a fake Trueno to Cars and Coffee, here's what's gonna happen: Folks will surround your Toyota and listen to you talk. They'll listen to two things: either listen to denials or confessions. Well, what are you gonna do? Will you say 'Oh, it's not real, it's just a loving tribute'? Or, will you say, with your left-hand steering wheel in FULL VIEW of everyone, 'Oh, it's a real Trueno'? We're all watchin'! You're on stage now and we're all listening! You knew the public's critical expectations when that Trueno badge came from eBay! You knew what you were doing when you screwed it on! You knew what you were doing when you changed the amber marker lights from the USDM ones to the JDM ones! Really? You're doing this?"
• During his 1994 Toyota Supra Turbo review, he mentions that the Supra joined up with the Dodge Viper for "a co-op match of pressing dual middle fingers in the Corvette C4's self-satisfied fiberglass face".

  "Your time's done old man! We make more power than you and the kids like us more! And I can still get hard with a thought, huh?" *cue Mr. Regular repeatedly saying "Hot dicks!" (aside from "Merry Christmas" in the beginning) before he starts to crack up*

• The beginning of the 2005 Mazadaspeed MX-5 Miata review, where Mr. Regular does an imitation of a rude, arrogant and self-centered Miata owner.