Funny / Norm Macdonald

• "There are now plans in Minnesota to build a floating nuclear power plant. Just like a regular nuclear power plant, but it floats on water. It's all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster."
• His routine about death in his 2011 comedy special.
• This Non Sequitur video.
• Any time he got to play Burt Reynolds on Saturday Night Live, especially when coupled with a Celebrity Jeopardy! sketch.
• "Well, another New Year's Eve is fast approaching, and tourists visiting Times Square to watch the ball drop will be in for quite a surprise: Crazy people will be shooting at them!"
• One of the best examples of Norm turning a badly-received joke around was when he put up a graph supporting the thesis that women, overall, are safer drivers than men, but pointed out that the figures in the chart didn't add up to 100% because "the math was done by a woman", prompting scattered laughter amongst loud booing and cries of "Woah!" from the audience. How did Norm handle it?
  Norm: "For those of you hissing at that joke, you should know it was written by a woman, so... Now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya?"
  *audience begins laughing again*
  Norm: "Nah, I'm just kidding; we don't hire women."
  *audience laughs harder*
• "My dad caught me smoking a cigarette behind the house, so he pulled me into the house by my arm, stuck a gigantic cigar in my mouth and forced me to smoke that entire cigar! (Beat) So that's how I got started on cigars..."
• His Weekend Update punchline to a human-interest piece about a man giving one of his kidneys to his wife for Valentine's Day:
  "Terrified, she dropped the kidney and ran out of the restaurant screaming."
• "I wanted to buy a new dog, and the guy was trying to sell me on a pit bull. I didn't want something that might rip my throat out, but the guy was like "You don't understand, this guy'll protect your valuables!" I said "If I were to buy this pit bull, it would be the most valuable thing I owned. I would have to buy something to protect it! Show me something in a wolverine, my good man!"
• The Moth Joke. Proof, in case anyone needed it, that he can structure and tell a classic joke. Honorable mention to the Tolstoy-esque Slavic names he's obviously making up on the spot ("And my other boy... Gregaro... Ivanalininovich.") for the moth's rambling tale of woe.
• On that note, his Turtle Joke, perfectly showcases that when he told a classic style of joke, the journey was even more fun than the destination. Only Norm could've made the scenario of a drunk eating a turtle alive into one of the funniest anecdotes you'll ever hear.
• Norm almost never played "characters" that deviated much from his normal voice, which is why his impersonation of Slim Pickens is pure gold:
  "Well now, if I ain't-a Sliiiiim Pickens, then my mama told a hwopper of a lie!"
• On the subject of impressions, though, his take on "Super Dave" Osborne was jarringly accurate.
• One of Norm's most famous moments happened during a May 1997 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Courtney Thorne-Smith was being interviewed about her new film, Chairman of the Board, in which she was co-starring with noted prop comic Carrot Top. Courtney put on a brave face and tried to look enthusiastic about the movie, but unfortunately for her, Norm sensed that she was less than proud of working/starring in the film, causing him to...well, intervene. For what it's worth, Norm was right on the nose with some of the jokes: COTB would turn out to be a major Box Office Bomb, effectively ending Courtney's movie career.
  Conan: You have a scene where you and him embrace?
  Courtney: Yeah, lots of making out.
  Conan: Oh, for god's sake...
  Courtney: Nothing but making out. It's like 9½ Weeks, but Carrot Top.
  Conan: [laughs] Wow! I gotta check out that movie.
  Norm: Is it called 9½ Seconds? [Audience laughs; Courtney cracks up] Like he's a premature ejaculator.
  Courtney: [smiling] I got it.
  Conan: You know what happens? This is what happens. You know what happens, he says "9½ Seconds", and I'm looking at him, 'cause...I know there's more. And I wait, and I wait, and I see the glimmer in the eye, and then, bang! I thought you were going to "crack whore", but no. [to Courtney] What's the movie gonna be called?
  Norm: I know what it's gonna be called.
  Conan: Yeah? What's that?
  Norm: If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it'd be?
  Conan: What's that, Norm?
  Norm: Box Office Poison!
  Courtney: It isn't true! Come on. What about my career?
  Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left, is in the movie!
  Norm: I'm gonna go see it, for her! [pointing at her]
  Courtney: [laughing] After you scare everybody else away?
  Norm: No, I love this girl. I'd go and see any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, nice...talk show guest. [Courtney is cracking up]
  Conan: [...] There's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point.
  Courtney: Chairman Of The Board.
  Conan: Oh? All right. [Beat, to Norm] Do something with that, ya freak.
  Norm: [Beat] I-I bet the "Board" is spelled B-O-R-E-D. [Conan immediately explodes in laughter]
• Think about it. A man surnamed MacDonald in the disguise of Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
• Chris Farley was noticeably out of control on his final SNL appearance, and Norm called up Artie Lange to keep an eye on him during SNL's weekly after party. Farley disappears into a bathroom with Andy Dick, and they come out five minutes later giggling. Artie related the news to Norm...
  Artie: Chris just walked into a bathroom with Andy Dick. There's only two reasons you walk into a bathroom with Andy Dick, and neither one of them's good.
  Norm: Holy fuck, I hope he's HIGH!
  • Also, the fact that Chris Farley was apparently so deep into drugs that Norm had to call in Artie Lange to keep an eye on him.
• "You know, with Hitler, more I learn about that guy the more I don't care for him."
  • He then goes on to point out some Fridge Logic regarding Hitler's supposed charisma:
    I asked people, I go "How on Earth could these Germans follow this lunatic?" And they said "Oh, he was a incredible public speaker. He could, oh, he could hypnotize you with his public speaking." And then I see him and he's like: *shakes fist* "Schlankly, klankly! SCHNARRGARAHRR!!" And I go "What?" That's not my idea of a silver-tongued devil, ya know?

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