Funny / Sam Kinison

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• Sam proposes that married men are no longer afraid of dying or going to Hell. The Devil will even hire you as a tour guide if you've been married twice.
  "Follow me folks. I've been married twice. I know this place pretty fuckin' well..."
• After the U.S. went to the effort to bring Vietnamese people over for job placement after the war, Sam mused that it must've been awkward for veterans on both sides.
  "Yeah, you look familiar too pal."
• His real breakout performance at an appearance on Rodney Dangerfield's ''9th Annual Young Comedians Special''.
• His first HBO hour-long special contains a scene where Sam reverts to his old days of Bible-thumping preaching, thirty seconds of intense Honest-to-God revivalism that wows the audience.
  Sam: "Wooooo, what a rush!"
• Joking about the first Persian Gulf War (the 90s version): "I've had parties that lasted longer than this thing."
  • "Hey, were you in World War Three?" "No, but I was at one of Sam Kinison's parties once! I'M LUCKY TO BE ALIVE! I STILL HAVE IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS..."
• Sam's solution to world hunger: "MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING DESERT!"
  • Crux of the bit is "Don't send them trucks full of food. Send moving vans and take them to where the food is."
• One of his more outlandish Jesus jokes:
  Sam: "Hey Jesus do you remember this noise?" (bangs the floor with the microphone like he's using a hammer)
  Jesus: "YEAH I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN TWO NOTES!"
  Disciple crying: It's a shame that he has to die.
  Jesus (screaming from the cross): WELL MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF SOMEBODY COULD GET A LADDER AND A PAIR OF PLIARS!
• Proof that Jesus was never married: no wife would ever believe the Resurrection story.
  Sam: He takes off Friday with twelve other guys...
• Every routine where he cuts down a hypocritical televangelist. Made more powerful by the fact Kinison was an ex-preacher and was personally horrified by the actions of Jim Bakker and Oral Roberts and others during the spate of late 1980s scandals.
  • He also got a lot of satisfaction out of Pat Robertson's failed Presidential campaign. "God wanted you to run for President? God must want you to look like a complete ass in the political arena then."
• "Love Song". Sam starts off with a nostalgic and mellow flashback to a bad relationship and offers up a song... that quickly devolves into a series of insults and a screaming demand "I want my records back!"
• Sam's guest appearance on In Living Color!. He stars in his own family entertainment sitcom "The Kinisons". It's as evil as it sounds.
• The bit about homosexual necrophiliacs. "You mean life keeps fucking you in the ass after you're dead?!"

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